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My DH told me that if his daughter did not like me (he has 2 sons but never mentioned that they had to like me)....he would not be able to marry me. I thought that was THE BIGGEST crock of shit because his daughter does not even live with him and never visits anyway...so why do I care if she likes me or not??? I told him then and there...I was NOT in a competition for his daughter's affection!!! (Of course SD USED to like me....when we first met. Now she and I keep each other at a distance....I don't like her......she doesn't like me! She's 17 and lives 2 hours away so it's really no big deal to me what she thinks of me.) But when I told DH...that was crap...he changed his tune REAL quick and in a hurry. If he wanted to let a then 14 year old make that decision for him....I would make it easy for him and leave so that she could run his life. Ridiculous.....

****I can do bad all by myself****

This subject is close to my heart.

I get much the same feelings from my DH that I should love SD immediately as my own. I can't make him understand how unrealistic that is, even in a perfect situation where we are both open to it.

He has never made it a deal breaker for us but I know there is a certain amount of resentment between us because of it.

I can understand wanting to avoid conflict and wanting to have a peaceful home life for everyone, especially his child but it sounds like he wants all or none. Can he compromise on a quiet respectfulness, both toward each other and your respective relationships with DH?

I have asked that my DH initiate a sit down with SD and request that the past be put aside and give us all a clean slate to work from. I think she needs help breaking the cycle of hatefulness she has towards me. I think it's misdirected and coloring her perceptions toward any change. He won't do that. Which speaks mountains to me.

I do think you can overcome the resentment with the right amount of patence for the situation. Just how much your DH is willing to compromise and work with you will drive the success.

I wish you the best.

Do you think SD could be jealous of your relationship with her Dad which could be putting a wall between the two of you from having a relationship together?

Before you moved in with BF, SD viewed herself as being the main character in her Dad's life, but when you two moved in together, and started spending more time with one another, SD takes this as a threat to her own relationship with her Father. She probably thinks that now you are more important than her in her Dad's eyes. She isn't seperating her relationship with her Father, from your relationship with BF.

IMO, BF should be encouraging SD to have a relationship with YOU, instead of making you do all the work. Putting these conditions on your relationship is giving SD too much authority and power in the home.

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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Alexandra - I resent my SD and it started long before I moved in with her and DH. Before we got married we told her of our plans and she broke down and had a hissy fit . . at 24 because she felt we were not including her in our plans because we offered to get her an apartment. So we decided she'd stay here with us instead so she could finish school and then get on her feet and get a place. I even put her in the wedding trying to make her happy.

Since the marriage, it's been been nothing but conflict. The first problem was after we agreed on chores, she changed her mind because she felt adults didn't need chores. After that she'd leave the house and not set the alarm. And the list goes on and on. I also resent her because I'll never be able to replace the all important first years of my marriage and the lack of privacy we're dealing with to this day. DH also coddles her to the point of not reprimanding her wrong doing or holding her accountable for her negative behavior.

At this point, I'm civil and I speak but that's about it. I don't care how her day went, blah blah blah. DH knows she's been a witch and is embarrassed by her behavior. He's also admitted that her actions are the result of his bad parenting so why should he hold me accountable for that?

IMO, your situation is a deal breaker because he's making you accountable for the relationship and putting all the pressure on you when it should be on him because she's his daughter.

My DH has a very distant relationship with his older sons and it's starting to look like it might be best if that's how it is with his Daughter - at least from my perspective. I find it incredibly sad that she was the only one that was willing to spend time with Dad, but now I see that it was only for her benefit, not because she needed/wanted him in her life.
She and I used to be close and shared a lot of laughs together, but she has turned vicious for no good reason. We have not punished her, we have not reprimanded her, we have gone out of our way to make things easier for her so she can concentrate on learning to be adult, have responsibility, take responsibility for her own actions and that's where we got stuck. She doesn't want that. She takes no accountability for her behavior.

Your BF is expecting too much from a potentially volatile situation. To ask that you bend and conform to the wishes of a child for the sake of peace only gives her more power and as the saying goes, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Responsibility and Accountability for ones actions are the key to a productive adulthood and unfortunately, these days, parents are lacking that and the kids don't even know what it means in most cases.
I think that there is a better match for you then someone who could even put such a unknown responsibility fully on your shoulders. SD could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened or she could turn into your worst nightmare and at the detriment of your own children and your relationship with them. You must weigh the risk and the reward to find your decision.