The plans to disengage.
So after all the horrible drama that went down last week I've been doing some serious soul searching. My DH & I are mending our relationship thankfully. I truly feel for him having to live with the train wreck that is his DD13. We both agree we have to come up with a plan to live peacefully with his kids (very part time). I've decided I cannot be responsible for his kids in any way. Disengaging is my plan going forward. No more laundry, cleaning their room, buying them anything, cleaning up after them or any involvement outside of being cordial & civil in their presence. Their, esp SD13's level of disrespect is not acceptable in my eyes. She's been diagnosed with some pretty serious mental health issues that lead her to lash out in some pretty horrible ways towards him & my DD's. My DH has basically told me while he doesn't agree with her behavior he feels she cannot help it. Given this opinion what other choice do I have? I was hoping for a happy blended family but that as it turns out is just a pipe dream. We don't have any plans to have them back as of yet as neither of them want to return (they call the shots). I cannot control that, their behavior or the outcome from the horrible choices SD13 makes by mistreating people. Therefore I have to for my own sanity disengage. Wish me luck!! This forum is great- I'm thankful for all the advice.
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She is in therapy twice a
She is in therapy twice a month & is medicated.
It's particularly hard for
It's particularly hard for him when his ex seems to think she knows all the solutions. She stated early on in their relationship after they became parents that she has her masters & has read all the books. His opinion has always taken 2nd billing. Not only that but his ex & his daughters call the shots as far as visitation goes. If they receive an invitation to see friends & they'd rather go with them they can go. No priority is given to their father UNLESS their mom has plans. Then they have to go. The three of them run the show. He's just a babysitter in their eyes really. I'll never understand that. I agree he has an obligation to us all to ensure she gain control & handle her impulses in a positive manner. However given those obstacles how can he possibly have any real sway? It the end, his ex has taken to running the entire show. She can have all the credit. Good or bad. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing person & I think given what she's been handed she's done an amazing job but she's done a pretty good job at making it clear he is not a priority as a dad. In actions- not so much in words.
She's in treatment & is on
She's in treatment & is on medication & has been since she was 3. He tried for 10 years to assert his power as a husband & father. That's one of the direct reasons for the failure of their marriage. His not having a voice & her not willing to hear, surrender power, trust his judgment, respect his role.
We're getting off topic. I
We're getting off topic. I want to be there to support my husband through any & everything. I don't want to pass judgment on him as I truly feel he is doing his best given a really tough situation. I'm going to do that by disengaging myself from my skids, stop judging their behavior as its not my job to correct them & I cannot take on that role anymore. It's just too much. All I'm going to focus on is being his wife & a mother to my 2 daughters & act as a buffer when all 4 of them are together.
You're absolutely right. He &
You're absolutely right. He & I have had that exact conversation. I stated I no longer want SD13 around D11 & he agrees. This isn't the 1st time she's lashed out at her over some petty argument. She cannot learn from her mistakes (it seems) so I am not willing to subject D11 to that. We are going to move forward with SD13's visitation on days D11 is with her dad going forward. I am thinking aways down the road if & when they are together again. SD9 is a completely different & wonderful kid. I have no problem wit her interacting w D11 at all.
My kids are the most important people in my life & ive devoted myself to them. They know this as does anyone who knows me even remotely well. My husband is very important to me as well, as it should be!