I was wondering the same thing. Ive done everything for my stepkids for the past six years. Anything a mother would do, I've done. Homework, books, swim lessons, soccer, parks, taken them on vacation, thrown birthday parties, tucked them in, hug kisses and I love yous and EVERYTHING. And yet, already at 9 years old SD has a huge chip on her shoulder. Reading that girls post was like reading something written by my SD in the future.

Every percieved slight is stewed over and every nice thing is instantly discounted. I honestly can't figure out what to do to turn her into a well adjusted adult. Treat her as my own child (with discipline and boundaries mixed in with time and love) and she's resentful that she didn't get more...... But if I just let her do what she wants so that I am not the "bad guy" and she continues to be a self entitled sellfish brat.

I mean, that girl was literally still holding a grudge over her sm saying no to icecream! There's no hope.

I believe that most skids that are NOT well-adjusted, etc...are that way because of the parent that was CP...No, I am not saying that all CPs are bad, but I do believe that the CP has a major role in that kid's life...One where they can either tell them they should be THE CENTER OF EVERYONE's life and if they are not, people don't care about them or one where they tell them, divorce happens, we both love you, but lives change and life is all about change...and trying to figure out where you fit into everything. It may not always be what you expect, but that does not mean your parents love you any less.

If those things do not happen, that kid WILL end up feeling insecure, blah, blah, blah...What makes me sick with skids is that they normally blame it ALL on the NCP and SMOM, but NEVER on CP and SDAD. The fact is that the SDAD is seen by skids as BRINGING MONEY to their home, while the SMOM is seen as TAKING money from them...that will NEVER change in their eyes or in the eyes of society, thus no matter how hard we as SMOMS try, no matter what our DHs do...it will NEVER be enough.

I had a boss who once told me EVERYTHING in life is about money...I thought he was wrong. I hate to say it, but that is absolutely 100% true in our situations. The problem is that nobody complains about a wife that does not work or makes less than her husband UNTIL she marries a man with kids and is divorced...then, she's a witch. But NEVER the 1st wife is seen as such. The kids definitely pick that up from the CP, usually the MOM...and it never ends. The view of WOMAN takes AWAY man has not changed much in the eyes of these kids...the only difference is that BEFORE it was EXPECTED and thus kids more or less accepted it. When the courts/psychologists got involved in divorce, they taught these kids and ex's that it was WRONG and thus, no matter what, the skid will always see it as someone taking away from them...again, unless the CP ensures that is not the case.

By the way, my sister is divorced...her kids are 20, 18, 14...the divorce took place a couple of years ago...they are NOT made to feel they are the center of the universe by either mom or dad. They are made to feel that just like THEY have their own friends, lives, etc...outside of their mom, so does their mom and dad. They are VERY WELL adjusted kids. Always respectful of anyone their parents sees, dates, etc...I have not seen ANY change in them at all and I am VERY close to them. It is 100% related to the view of the CP (by the way, the CP is DAD in this case as well), although the kids go from house to house weekly.

"Thinking like a kid, how can you help a sk feel loved and protected?"

I think everything you said works. The operative word, though-is KID.
Once they become teenagers or adults, nothing you ever did will ever be right.
You read her books? She will say they were the wrong books, and her mom picked better books.

Calmed her night terrors? She only had them because of the D I V O R C E, and if you hadnt been in the way mommy and daddy could have been together and she wouldnt have been traumatized.

My ex, who was an idiot, said one smart thing in his whole life.
He said "Sorry people always have an excuse."

^^LIKE^^ b/c it's too true!

herewegoagain -- my saying is, "Money isn't everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen." so you are correct, in the end pretty much everything boils down to $$

I try really hard to keep my kids in line, I have rules and expectations. Their father passed away when they were both very young, and I have always held to the belief that life sucks sometimes, we can't always control what happens but we can control how we react to it. The world is not all about you (my kids), you are only a part of the whole. You are not the only ones to lose a parent, and many have demonstrated that life goes on. It may not be quite the same, but it goes on.

My kids, almost 10 years later, are happy, healthy, respectful... the things I wish most for them in life. I know it's not all due to me, but I'd like to think that taking the "hard line" with them and not fooling them into believing they were the sun, moon, and stars had a lot to do with it.

I also read the same stepdaughter post, but I refrained from responding because I know I would have flipped my lid at her.

How to raise a well-adjusted child to be a well adjusted adult? That's a question that could probably warrant a million pages and still not be complete.

Everyone feels jealousy, anger, sadness, insecurities--but how we deal and act based on these feelings will define who we are and how "well-adjusted" we are.

I think the problem lies in the fact that most people believe they figure out (whether it's a biological or evolutionary issue, I will never know, as I am not a scientist) how much they are worth based on a comparison:

"Friend A treats me better than she treats Friend B, therefore Friend A must like me better than she likes Friend B."

Which turns into:

"If Friend A likes me better than she likes Friend B, then Friend A must treat me better than she treats Friend B."

They believe correlation must necessary be causation, when that isn't the case at all. Then, in order to confirm their idea, they create situations in which there will be that choice:

"I believe Friend A likes me more than Friend B because we have been together longer, so I will test Friend A by making her choose between my opinion and Friend B's opinion to confirm that she does indeed like me more than Friend B. If she chooses my opinion, it necessarily means she likes me more, if she chooses Friend B's opinion, then she likes Friend B more. I will hate Friend B if Friend A likes her more, based on whether or not Friend A chooses her opinion."

Sound familiar? No one likes feeling INSECURE (the root of possibly all this), and making these "tests" are a result of trying to empirically confirm or deny their suspicions. If they get an answer they like, they will keep using this test periodically as a maintenance issue. If they consistently get an answer they do like (being "chosen"), the moment there is an inconsistency (being not "chosen"), their insecurities come back ten-fold and they retaliate even harder. If they get an answer they don't like, they will also retaliate.

This example gets superimposed upon the relationship of the Bioparent, step-parent, and stepchild. Now, since we know we are prone to this find of logical fallacy, how do we teach our children? I believe the answer lies in honesty, disclosure, and communication.

I personally think these steps (which my parents, who are still married, used on myself and my sister):

By working through the child's feelings with them, getting to the root of why they feel the way they do (which, we must remember, is totally natural), and pointing out why it is irrational (although always letting them know that feelings are feelings, and many times they will be irrational), and how to overcome them--because being the bigger person is morally correct, because treating others badly will come back on you etc.

Most of all, help them SEPARATE, in their mind, ROMANTIC love and PARENTAL love, ADULT power and CHILD power, which they can often be confused about especially if it wasn't stressed early on in life.

The best thing, of course, would be to show that the child's wishes are OPTIONAL for the parents to fulfill, not a REQUIREMENT. Making this separate distinction, especially by not acquiecsing (be it in an intact family or not) to their demands, will soon allow them to find a different option of coping than the usual tantrums. If tantrums don't work, blackmail doesn't work, threats don't work, and any attempt to try to influence the situation from the outside DOESN'T WORK, they will have to turn to themselves to change. They either adapt or break, and 95% of human beings will adapt themselves. The 5% includes those with mental illnesses and lost causes (those who were too old when this lesson occurs.)

It will be hard if it's for older children/young adults, because they have more means to create situations that favor them. A toddler has no choice on their survival, so it is harder for them to rebel, while older children/young adults have more resources at their disposal. (Being able to find their own food, walk away, etc.)

Anyway, this is just what I believe. Intact family or not, a child needs to know that love for a child means you want the best for them, and in order for them to have the best, they must become well adjusted adults, and gain the skills that will allow them to do so.

I will tell my children: You might hate this now, but one day you will look back and realize we wanted the best for you, which is why we're not giving in right now. Because of today, you will have the skills and the ability to deal with all the hardships that come your way, but first and foremost you must learn that the world is NOT FAIR, and that it WILL NOT BOW TO YOU, no matter how loud you howl or scream. Once you realize the that truth, you will be able to keep walking forward in life, and not be stuck on what you could not get, but what you have and can achieve.

PS - by the way, my son sometimes thinks I don't love him because I don't buy him everything, because I make him clean up his room, blah, blah, blah...but when he grows up he will realize I did. The difference with skids is that they NEVER realize it because the parent they are closest to will more than likely agree with them, just to make themselves look good and the NCP/SMOM bad.

I wouldn't blame it all on the custodial parent. We have my skids full time, no visitation to the bm. And still my SD has this same attitude issue.

I have a theory on these SK's. When the divorce happens, mom and dad are in such a bad place themselves, they parent very little. My SK's lack compassion, gratitude and sympathy. I think their parents divorce happened when those things were forming. They didn't notice because they were too busy dealing with divorce issues to teach those things. Kind to others, do unto others as they would do unto you. By the time the fog lifted, these kids were formed and they now lacked those core values.

You can't unring a bell....They are who they are. SS was younger and he is still a work in progress. I try and impart empathy on him and how to be a friend and it is an uphill battle that I am making headway slowly.

SD16 is "cooked" as my husband says. Enough said.

Now my BS17 is a good kid that has all these things. He could have gone a different way with the losses he suffered at 4 and 6. But, I put him in scouting and catholic school and made him understand that our past does not define us, it is what we make of it that does. That has worked for him. He is a good kid that will go on to have a good life, god willing. But, I worked with him constantly to make sure that his fathers death did not make him hard.

Yes our parenting can screw these kids up. But, the Steps have had a knock down and unfortunately rather than have parents pay attention to how they are parenting them, they are too caught up in their own mess until it is too late and then they want to parent them and can't understand how 'little johnny" got this way....

Bio's have continuity that the steps did not and thus someone catches the issues, before they are permanent.