Step Finances
My 14 yr old SD comes to me for everything. Well, to be fair, at least as much as she goes to BD. Everything she asks for she "needs". Much of it seems small on the surface but I know by experience that if you take her to a store, then she "needs" much more. Even if you just purchase the this or that she asks for, you'll go broke. The problem is that her father and I do not combine finances w/regards to the children. It's complicated but the short and long of it is I already have two coming to me for every need. My two won't ask him for anything. They never will because they're already older and well, I think they're normal. I think it odd that my SD thinks it fine to ask me for everything under the sun. I know I'm rambling but I'm fairly distressed because just looking at individual requests doesn't do it. I feel petty saying no to hair ties and curling irons but he still does not correct her even when she asks me in front of him and I don't have it to endlessly do for her...ya know? (this sounds petty, maybe I am but this issue is driving me insane)...also, when it comes to money, the SD is very manipulative. She'll ask an opinion about an item just to draw you in and then ask you to buy it. She'll have a pocket full of money but still expect you to buy her a soda because that's "food". My kids spend what they have and then ask for more. (and by the way, I have no problem spoiling my SD with surprise gifts and things I'd know she likes, the problem is neither she nor her father are hearing me say "ask your dad" ask your dad and I'm growing inordinately resentful of it...) HELP
Well at 14 she is certainly
Well at 14 she is certainly old enough to know better. I would put an end to buying her even little things until she and her dad get the idea. Maybe telling her "ask your dad" for each individual thing isn't getting through and you need to be more clear "DH please talk to SD14 about asking me to spend money on her. For starters, it is rude. Secondly, she is not my financial responsibility and having her put me on the spot every time she wants something is unfair and uncomfortable". Then, when he doesn't address it (and he won't), you need to address it directly with SD14 in front of him "SD14, I've asked your father to please talk to you about this behavior. I don't want to sound uncaring, but it makes me uncomfortable for you to consistently ask me to fund all of your wants when you have parents".
What is wrong with you? Just
What is wrong with you?
Just tell her to talk to her father.
Do you say yes to anything anyone asks you? Grow a spine.
Repeat after me: "Ask your
Repeat after me: "Ask your Dad". Again. Again. Again. Again........
She won't stop until you stop effectively saying yes. Why should she?
I don't think a spine is the
I don't think a spine is the problem. I think the problem is (well Im on my way to making it was), that the requests, at first were not as frequent and the items requested seemed rather insignificant. As such, it felt petty to be like NOOO. Additionally, she was savvy enough to approach it like it's a girl thing. Like her dad just doesnt get it. yea, im thinking he gets it pretty good. I see what I've done and Im going to stop. Yes, the requests just come faster, the items bigger etc. i i have said to both that I already am supplying the needs of my two and that she must go to her dad for financials. It was like talking to the wind. Just gotta keep saying no. No. Nooe. Yea thats a no. Hey,
um no. Lol. Practicing.
Thank you all
I have the same problem with
I have the same problem with my SD! You cannot take her to any store without her thinking you have to buy her something, and if you tell her no, she gets an attitude about it! My husband wonders why I never take her with me shopping any more. I've told him, I'm tired of having to tell her no and then her having an attitude with me about it. Oh, and if I tell her no, she surely goes to her father and tries to convince him. Only problem, in our house, our money IS combined, so I then have to give him the "no look" or pull him aside and tell him he better not give in because we simply cannot afford to give in to her every whim! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Perfect example...my son is a HUGE TCU fan...so much so, that he is trying to go to school there. We happened to be in Dallas, and since TCU gear is limited where we live, we stopped at an Academy to get him a couple of things. My SD went asking for this $20 TCU hat (which she NEVER wears hats), and finally talked my husband into buying her this $25 TCU shirt. THE KID IS AN A&M FAN!!! But, because my son was getting something, she thought she HAD to get something! Where is the shirt now? In a ball stuffed in a corner somewhere in her room here at our house, because she never wears it!
Oh, and I forgot to
Oh, and I forgot to mention...she does this to EVERYONE...not just me...her grandmother, her aunt! A family FRIEND takes her to the store, and she always ends up coming back with something that she ASKED for. Just recently, said friend bought her a brush because my SD said she lost hers that morning, and that is why her hair wasn't brushed. Um, if the child would have picked up her room, she would have found the brush, which she did finally two weeks later when she was told she had to pick up her room for the billionth time!
Oh yea, mine doesn't hesitate
Oh yea, mine doesn't hesitate to hint or ask whoever for anything. Went w my sister to the mall (and myself) and when I wasnt there played the "id love to have this but i only have 20 dollars (it was 40). Didnt work. If you give her a generous amount, like 40 bucks to shop w her friends that becomes her money, her mall money, end of story. Socks, bra's and other like objects she deems should not come out of "her money". If she has 30 dollars left and asks to go to the movies two days later then how dare you tell her to use that money. In her mind every outing requires new money. Only because im apparently a B sometimes do i keep the BD aware that "um hey, she still has about 100 bucks, tell her to use that. Then he does. She drives me batty about money. Right now were heading to eat by the mall. She knows were not going in the mall. Its all good now. Any takers on the whining to ensue?
The way I see it, I will only
The way I see it, I will only buy essentials, if needed...and those essentials are not going to be the fancy ones. Socks, bras, etc...SD from me will only get the simple cotton variety. If she wants the more expensive fancy prints or words on her butt, then she needs to go to her parents for that (not to mention, at age 13, I'm of the opinion that undergarments don't need to be cute...no one else should be seeing them anyway). When my daughter was younger (she is now 21), she understood this, and she had no problem going to Arie or whatever with her own money that she got in cards or working (after she was old enough to get a job, or when she did babysitting).
These days, when my SD starts bugging me for stuff, I remind her that she is 13 (will be 14 in a couple of months), and if she wants all of this extra money for these things that aren't "needs", that maybe she should start thinking about ways to earn money on her own! Maybe if she would actually clean up after herself, and then offer to do things like vacuum the house, etc., she could get some extra money for chores...but the kid won't even rinse and put her own dishes in the dishwasher, though that is house rule! Oh, and if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, you will never catch her putting them away. When I was 13/14, I had regular babysitting jobs. When my daughter was 13/14, she became the neighborhood dog walker...we live in a neighborhood where there were a lot of elderly people with pets, and they would give her like $5-$10/week to walk their dogs so that the dogs could get their exercise, as they were not up to doing it for various health reasons.
So, how long did it take for her to hint about going to the mall? Before the meal, or about half-way through?
I lucked out on the mall
I lucked out on the mall issue because it was Sunday and closed by the time we had finished eating. Funny you mentioned the dishwasher. Emptying it is my SDs chore. Like most kids I have to tell her to do it every time but she doesn't give me any real grief about it. She did give me a total look of disdain the other day when I advsd that I would appreciate if should would rinse and load her own plate or cup into the dishwasher. You know the look, the one that says "Moi, really now, isn't that your job Hazel and Im much too good for that". I snapped a little and then reigned myself in. Lol. That aura of entitlement drives me insane. My SD will ask me for house jobs to earn extra money and that's good but I have two issues with that request. One is that, like most kids, they want you to respond with a job like "ok, how about you sweep the kitchen floor for a million dollars?" My second and larger issue was (yay on the was) that she asked me. ASK YOUR DAD. ASK YOUR DAD. ASK YOUR DAD.
I so know what you are
I so know what you are talking about with "the look"! I also know what you are talking about when they expect you to pay them something outrageous for something little, especially when they do a half-arsed job at it! Sweeping, vacuuming, and dusting are my favorites...you know, they never move anything so you still can see all the junk under the table and/or chairs, or you see all the dust rings around things because they couldn't bother to move the items (like the DVD cases sitting next to the TV) to dust correctly! If I have to go back and redo the job, there will not be payment for the job!
My favorite "entitlement" to this day...I have a couple of cats...real beautiful, one is Siamese and the other is pure black. My son has a dog, which he takes care of. My SD was upset that she didn't have a pet of her own at our house, and started begging her dad to let the black cat be her cat! Really? First of all, they are MY cats, not my husband's, and second of all, she doesn't lift a finger to care for any of the animals in the house...won't vacuum hair, clean out a litter box, or even fill a water bowl (and if asked, like if my son is at football practice and the dog is looking at her while she gets a glass of water and his bowl happens to be empty, has that "look")! I had to quickly put an end to that one, which she got upset about and just stormed off to her room. Like you said...the aura of entitlement!!! UGH!
Most recently Ive decided
Most recently Ive decided that my BS and SD could both do just a tad more of the bare minimum to help out. Specifically, and please dont think Im horrid, instead of just throwing their dirty dishes in the sink, how about you scrape, rinse and place in dishwasher? I know, right, how dare I?!! From my son I got the "ok but mom I always do that". Um no ya dont so try harder. From the SD I got the "look" that said, "Hazel, you done bumped your head, how dare thee expect moi to sully my hands". Lol. Ok maybe I read too much into the look. I do admit that I have to think before reacting because the Gods honest truth is my son could do a similar wrong and annoy me one half as much so thats my shortcoming and I fight to be fair all the time. Having said that, i told each of em twice yesterday about dishes. This morning ther was one dinner plate, one cup, fork and spoon in the sink. They werent my sons. Its just that his failure to do something seems more born of being lazy or not forgetting whereas hers is kind of more of the "im above that" and thats what drives me batty!