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Resentment

frustratedmom_2021's picture

Submitted by frustratedmom_2021 on Fri, 02/26/2021 - 8:54am

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Teenage Stepchildren

I've been a stepmom for 7 years to 2 boys who are now 17 and 19, when I first met my husband I thought he was too hard on the boys and would speak up on their behalf but now a few years later when they're driving and have more freedom I notice things that need to be addressed and speak to my husband about it and he ignores it. My son is grown and has children of his own so my husband has never had to deal with being a stepparent but I live it every day. Everyone says just don't worry about it, they're not your kids but I care for them and worry about things they do that could effect their future. I find myself resenting the boys instead of my husband because I can't spend my whole marriage fighting about the boys and my husband won't do anything now so I catch myself taking it out on the boys by being angry with them constantly. 

GrudgingSM's picture

Submitted by GrudgingSM on Fri, 02/26/2021 - 9:17am

I get it. It's hard to suppress natural caretaking instincts if you have them. And yet, I feel all that other advice about not caring more than the biological parents is true. The thing that has helped me best is focusing more on myself. I have more hobbies than I used to. I spend lots of time with friends and doing things outdoors. I work on my own life and my own goals and things I can control. Because stepparenting it's a lifelong exercise in helplessness. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 02/26/2021 - 1:28pm

They really aren't your responsibility and there is nothing you can do to control or change how they or your husband behave. It's easier if you make peace with that.  If they do things that affect their future, they will have to live with that. 

24 years as a SM's picture

Submitted by 24 years as a SM on Fri, 02/26/2021 - 2:09pm

"You can't more than the parents care." 

It's hard when you see things happening that you know needs to be addressed, but you DH is blowing it off. If it pertains to the Skids leaving a mess in your house, go to your DH and tell him that he needs to clean up what they left. If it's something to do with recklessness while driving and the boys are under 18, remind your DH that he is responsible for their actions and if they cause an accident that he can be sued and loose everything.

Left out mama's picture

Submitted by Left out mama on Fri, 02/26/2021 - 3:07pm

If they are driving drunk or high and Dad won't do anything then call the police. 
If it's nothing that puts anyone's lives at risk then let them fall. A lecture from your or DH won't do anything. Teenagers know everything... I sure did. 
let them learn a hard lesson if need be.

don't stress. It's out of your control so your are punishing yourself if you invest your energy into this.