Im DONE with this kid!
Hope your New Year went better than mine! 18 YO Stepson and i got into an argument yesterday. He was puppy sitting and wanted to keep him at my house for the weekend. I told him no about a week ago and we were in an argument at that time. I work nights and was trying to go to sleep at about 11am before work and heard the youngest SD mention the puppy is in her brothers room.
I wanted to see what was going on and i open the door and theres the puppy walking around in his bedroom. I told him he could bring him for a couple hours but he is to be in the kennel unless he is brought outside to go potty. I told him he needs to be put in the kennel and i do not want him walking around in the house. He replied that i said it was ok. I told him no, i said as long as he is in a kennel and not for the weekend. He got angry and started raising his voice at me. I stayed calm and said im not mad im trying to talk and let you know my point of view. I said i dont want him going to the bathroom on the floor and he needs to be in a kennel and that i dont want that smell in my house. He said puppies have accidents and that he will clean it up. I started to get mad but kepy my composure and told him well its not happening in my house and he needs to get it out of the house right now. I wasnt going to argue with him at that point.
He stormed past me and told me he was sick of my "shit" and is tired of me treating him like a kid, hes 18 and an adult. I told him well if he was to act like an adult and stop throwing a tantrum every time he was told no, maybe i wouldnt treat him like he is a little boy, and that since he is tired of my shit, theres the door and he can move out of my house.
His mother got angry because i told him he can leave my house. She said its her son and she will not allow him to have to move out. I told her that its my rules at my house and i do not answer to an 18 year old kid. When i tell him no, there is no discussion he will abide by it or get the *&%^ out of my house! I told her that once he moves out it will be less tension and be much better. She said for me it would be better but its her son and she doesnt want him to move out.
I love my wife, but this has been an ongoing issue for 4 years now and this past year since hes turned 18 has been the worst. He feels hes an adult and that any discussion i am having with somebody, he has the right to get involved and interrupt.
I want this kid out of my house and hope to NEVER see him again once hes gone. I have no use for him and could care less where he may end up. He is nothing but a free loader and does nothing to contribute around the house. I know that once i tell him to pack his crap and boot him out, my wife will want to leave because she doesnt have the heart to be strict and let him learn a hard lesson. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? I love her and she does treat me well but has no control over her kids and that is tearing our marriage apart. Im stressed when i go home and deal with stress at work so cant get away from the bullshit and it is taking a toll on me health wise.
I just cant do it anymore!!!
If you want to save your
If you want to save your marriage, make clear that there needs to be a launch plan for after he graduates (though very few 18-year-olds move out on their own the day after graduation nowadays). If not, then kick him and your wife both out - after all, she's the real problem here. She's planted herself "in the middle", instead of being a parent and an adult who supports your discipline and disciplines her children herself.
For some reason
For some reason even if i talk with him and do not let her know about it, she is quiet and upset with me because he calls and complains to her about getting his @ss chewed, but if i say something to her that she should get on him for the way he is treating her, that puts her in the middle??? This step kid stuff just isnt for me. I love the middle daughter like shes my own but cant take this constant battle with the older one anymore!
He sounds like a kid that
He sounds like a kid that basically got to negotiate himself out of things he's done wrong in the past. My SS is also the same because his parents allow him to do it. He figured the "no" to puppy sitting at your house meant maybe and that he could change it to a yes once the puppy was there. I also think he needs a dose of reality. It is yours and your wife's house and your rules that he blatantly disrespected. Your wife should have been the one yelling at him for it. She should have been the one to argue with him and tell him that a puppy was not allowed.
He knew stepdad would blow up
He knew stepdad would blow up and scream and yell, but that mom would rescue him from it, since that dynamic has apparently been going on for years now.
Your right
Couldnt agree with you more on that! I dont see it changing even after hes out of my house to be honest.
Exactly what happened
You are spot on with that comment! Not just this situation but many others that have been the same way. Multiple times ive told him no to something and all the sudden theres a boat in the yard or ATV parked and when hes told to move it out im the bad guy. I cant be nice and civil about things anymore. I am at the point where i have NO use for this kid and hope i never have to see him once he leaves...if i can even tolerate it that long before i kick him out.
I'm with you bro
My ss is 24 and for the past two days has verbally abused me as I'm kicking him out. His mom/my wife is a big time enabler, so it's been rough. These adult stepkids need a reality check. Take my advice and kick him the f#@$ out and never let him back. I've let my useless stepson back four times now and the thanks I get is him swearing at me as I'm the only adult to have ever given him boundaries. So he hates me for it. This time he's gone for good and I will divorce my wife if she ever lets him back as it will give me a heart attack or something else due to stress.
I hear you!
Yes it is STRESSFUL as hell! I work as a CO at a jail and deal with enough stress as it is and then to come home and have that stress??? I have already said that once he is out, thats it and he will not be coming back. Since he is always throwing the "im 18 and an adult and am tired of being told im acting like a kid" he can figure it out once he is on his own. I love my wife and she treats me very well, but for some reason just cannot see that she is enabling him and making it worse. Every time i try to sit down and talk about it, she gets defensive and upset at me and comversation goes nowhere. It feels like i am at a crossroad where i either need to call it quits and be on my own or better learn to deal with the $hit! I have been biding my time and want to see how it is once he is out of the house, but am afraid that once hes out, the wife will resent me for making him go and we will drift apart. I will NEVER get into a step parent situation again!!!
We did have our version of
We did have our version of the teen boy bigger balls than brains behavioral crap. However, unlike you and your DW, my DW and I were pretty much in agreement that he was either a full time student, working full time, or half time student/half time job to remain in our home after HS graduation and turning 18.
He decided he was not ready for college (he was right and I am actually proud of him that he knew it) and told us that it would be waste of his time and our money. He also had no interest in getting a job. So, we turned him into our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch and worked that kid's ass off.
After several months of being our unpaid immediate response servant he enlisted in the USAF. In 4mos he will reach his 10 year enlistment anniversary. He pinned on his E-6 stripes on Nov 1 of 2020.
The key was that his mom and I raised him with clear standards of behavior and performance and did not tolerate the lippy crap.... ever. If your DW does not have the character and intelligence to understand that her son is a POS and needs boundaries and standards of behavior and performance, what makes her such a great partner for you?
Hmmmmmm?
Until the later of age 18 or HS graduation, parents raise them. Once they hit the milestone of graduation or 18, their presence in the home and support of the family resources is a day to day decision that they make by their behavioral and performances choices. As soon as they play the "I am an adult" card they can continue their progression into viable adulthood on their own dime and their own time in their own home.
I was delivered this lesson by my parents when I was 16. "You are 16, you do not have to go to school any longer. Here is a check for $500. Good luck. Make sure to write your mother to let her know where you are living." After 15mins of holding that check in a very heavy silence I handed the check back to my dad and said "Yes sir. I will go to Military School." Teen boys can gain clarity and start the recovery from an extended bout of Cranio-Rectitis when the right size of 2X4 is used to deliver the message and to knock their head out of their own ass.
Make sure that both he and his mom have this message with absolute clarity.
Good luck.
He is obviously stubborn and
He is obviously stubborn and pigheaded and needs a reality check. If your DW isn't willing to go along with launching him then Thier is no point in staying because the problems will SS will never improve.
If she is willing to throw her marriage away over wanting a young adult doing what young young adults are supposed to do. Then that says a lot about your relationship.
I love DS more than anything because of that I want him to grow up to be an independent, successful adult.
Sadly, I am dealing with the
Sadly, I am dealing with the same thing. I been raising two step children since they were 1 and 3 yo, but the day they became teens they have no respect for me what so ever. I am counting down the days they finish school and get out. Our relationship is so strained it just can't be repaired I don't believe. If I ask them nicely to clean up their mess, do their chores, walk the dogs, or even take the trash out they completely ignore me, but if a yell for them to do it after asking nicely they run to their mother and I hear this is why I'll never marry you and this relationship will never work because you have no respect for my children thats why they don't respect you. For one I am a person you have to earn things its just not given, but her they can have the world without doing anything that's why they feel so entitled.
Just yesterday I made my way down to the first floor after sleeping all morning and afternoon because I work night shift. I find the house in disarray while their mother is upstairs working from home. The boys are on the game consoles playing games while their room looks like a tornado ran through it, dishes in the sink, trash over flowing with garbage, cereal spilled all over floor, dogs barking to go out because it's 9pm and the kids haven't took them out since yesterday... mind you they are 16 and 14 now, not some little children. I tell them get off the game and clean the house calmly and I get smart mouthed saying our mother said we can play the game yet she hasn't even been downstairs since the that morning and went up to her office so she going off of the kids word that they did all their chores. I yell ger off the game and clean up this house and she comes down stairs to yell at me and saying don't yell at my kids, you need to respect them so they can respect you.
IM OVER IT.. 13 YEARS OF THIS BS, I DONT KNOW IF I CAN LAST UNTIL THEY ARE OUT TGE HOUSE TO HAVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS.
The hell with that! The nerve
The hell with that! The nerve of her to tell you to respect her kids so they can respect you! I really don't understand these parents mindset now days! We all have stepped up to the plate yet we get slapped in the face for trying to be a positive adult figure in these kids life
Exactly
Your so right....you try to be a good step parent and teach them things but biological parent doesnt agree and thinks your being too mean or strict and makes you look like the bad person. Its draining!!! I pretty much have nothing to do with the kids at all anymore. I will speak to them but never make initial conversation. Its pretty much short answers and they leave me alone unless they have to speak to me. If she doesnt want me to reprimand them, fine i wont have anything to do with them and will only enforce things that affect me or my house.
I just dont understand their line of thinking?!?!?!
They never go away
Even if sks launch, some never grow up. My sks were 23 (triplets) when I married their dad. The level of enmeshment and financial drain on then dh appalled me. (His choice to give them money) but they spent their part time job money on tattoos and travel.
23 yo Ss was ejected from the military, got involved in some shady/criminal stuff n moved back in with his momma
. One sd lived with us n made my life hell as I discovered she was actually the other woman (barf) ...oh,I mean I was the other woman interfering with sd 23's love affair with her dad.
The other sd 23 was living in CA, not working n living in a drug recovery house. She moved back to mommies after ss23 suicided. Then hubs said she would live with us.
So I got out. Divorce from circus nightmare on Monday.
If your so doesn't unite with you as a unit, the kids sense that n literally ruin YOUR life. They take n take. They run to mommee n tell her lies, etc. Even AFTER they launch. Your wife will cater to all their trumped up "emergencies ". It might continue to prevent your happiness.
If a parent is enmeshed with their child, there is no room for a spouse and I daresay it will never change even if sks don't live with you. They might want to move back in after launching. Or make your life hell in other ways.
If a parent worships their children, there can never be a healthy relwith a so, ever. In my own experience at least....
Wow
Wow, youve dealt with alot! I dont blame you for divorcing!
I know that once he moves out, she will have him come over for dinner and all that, but i have told her and him that when he moves out, i want the house key and when i am at the house, i better not see him just walking into my house. They didnt like it but know im not kidding around. I said it will no longer be his place of residence so he has no business just walking in and helping himself anymore.
I told her just the other day that once he is out of my house, he will not be moving back in and will have to figure it out. I am not a person that goes back on my word as they all have found out the hard way previously. She didnt argue with me and really didnt say a word. The house is in my name only and i pay mortgage and pretty much everything else so i set the rules for the kids in the house and am pretty strict with them. I said i was at my limit and cant do it anymore so he has to leave after graduating because it wont be a good situation if he tries to stay there.
Re-key the locks.
Do not trust that you will get all of the copies of the key that he has. If you ever give keys to anyone other than your mate it is a good idea to periodically re-key your locks.
Just to be sure.
Good luck.
I got the same treatment,
I got the same treatment, asked nicely to do the chores and got ignored amd then after a while the backchat started, thing said to me like do it yourself and I'm not your slave, all from the mouth of a 13 year old step daughter who cannot be nice to anyone. She too then runs to her mother and complains to her and I get the same from the mother. Fuck both of them amd when I stood up for myself I got shot down in flames in front of the stepchild. My marraige is done. Finished. Best of all my wife says that I abused her. Biggest kid of crap I have heard from someone's mouth in all y life. Leave!!!!!!! Leave now!
od rather be single than a step parent or married to put up with this garbage.
Take care of yourself. Put
Take care of yourself. Put that shallow and polluted gene pool behind you and enjoy your new life adventure.
Count down
I am counting down too!!!