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Help! Stepson taking pics of daughter

Snoopy75's picture

Hi Everyone 

Blended family here. Eight years in. The kids have all been with us most of their lives. Other parents didn't participate/ died. 
 

Anyway my 17 year old stepson has always been the odd man out. For the most part everyone gets along but the other three get annoyed with him. He has always acted years younger than he is. He was a premature baby and has a slight processing disorder but is very bright. 
 

So last night I checked his phone for something and found a huge collection of screenshots. Before I took his phone he broke down and said he needed to talk to me and was super embarrassed and could he please delete some stuff? He said he had been taking screenshots of influencers on Snapchat. Then he admitted he had taken some pics of girls in real life at school. 
 

I assured him we wouldn't think differently of him and it was a teaching moment. I explained women aren't objects and taking pics of someone without permission is wrong etc etc. 

So.. when I look it isn't screenshots from snap chat but he had searched up particular girls from his old school and saved VSCO pics. There were also lots of random pics from YouTube. The reason I'm here is there were around 10-15 pics of his stepsister who just turned 15. He took these when she didn't know. He obviously has a thing for legs and feet because that was a common theme. There was even one pic of my legs. Ugh. 
 

My daughter has always clashed with him. She gets mad and says he's in her space. I have noticed this in the past too and we worked for a long time when he was younger to stay out of other peoples bubbles. 
 

He is a generally sweet kid but this really disturbs me and I don't know how to handle it. There was a time when he was in middle school when we considered sending him to boarding school because of his various behaviors. He was wiping his butt on the floor of his closet etc. He also made me feel very uncomfortable at times being weirdly affectionate for a teenage boy. I would feel guilty for feeling creeped out but now I think maybe my instincts were right?  It was always hard to tell if he was manipulative or just slow. His mother was a drug addict and barely saw him from age 9-14. She now has him four nights a month but doesn't offer to be more involved. 
 

I'm just torn. When he's not around everyone gels and is happy and he walks in and it's like a record scratches. All the other kids slowly leave the room. He has whined to me about how they leave him out and I've givin him Dale Carnegie books etc. He has a therapist. He is the oldest but is a junior, my bio son is also a junior and gets really annoyed by him but is always nice. 
 

I also saw in his phone lots of unopened emails from teachers. Lots of time spent stalking? Girls and wasting time. 
Also, he is very underweight and always has been. He spent a month at an eating disorder clinic in middle school. He just doesn't get hunger cues. He complains about being left out, is scared to grow up, has no goals or interests other than video games. But he doesn't do anything to change his situation. We got him a trainer, taught him about food, SAT prep, nothing seems to motivate him. 
 

When he told me about the pics I told him what he really wanted was connection and we should work on thinking about how to talk to girls, what girls like etc. This was before I saw my daughter. I don't think he would ever do anything because honestly she would probably rip his eyes out but when I think about it objectively.. if he wasn't 5'6 100 lbs and was a bigger kid... I think I would be freaking out more. 
 

Sorry for the total word vomit here. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. 

SteppedOut's picture

You wrote a lot about the conversations you have had with him and the bm is worthless and doesn't do much....but what about what your husband - his dad does? Does his dad parent him? Perhaps he should take a more active role and allow you to step back some. Perhaps it will do him some good to have a stronger relationship with his dad.

Snoopy75's picture

His Dad does parent but is not a natural. I have to tell him what to do and say. If I wasn't around issues wouldn't be addressed because he doesn't have the time to deal with it. I know I know. My biggest worry is my daughter's safety. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Listen to your "gut." Your intuition has been telling you there was something "off" with SS for years, and now you know why. While it is great you want to help him and were letting him confide in you - your ultimate responsibility is to your daughter. She needs to know that you are there for her and if she feels uncomfortable around SS in any way that she needs to tell you. While she may be able to physically protect herself, she shouldn't have to.

It is time for a serious talk with DH. He needs to step up and start parenting his kid. It sounds like SS has some urges and feelings that he needs to learn how to control. Maybe a therapist would be helpful.

tog redux's picture

Sounds like he has a lot of mental health issues that are not being addressed, including some budding fetishes that could get him in trouble. If BM had issues he well could have inherited them. Your DH needs to sit down with SS's therapist and discuss the treatment plan. He's on the road to a very difficult adulthood, including failure to launch. 

Loxy's picture

Agree with notsurehowtodeal and tog redux - you know there is a problem and need to take direct action as the safety of your daughter is at risk. Talk to DH and tell him that getting SS properly assessed by a phychiatrist is not negotiable. Once you know what you are dealing with, you can put a plan in place that is guided by a professional. 

Rags's picture

March him down to the recruiter and put his ass in the military.  Too late for boarding school though Military School is a great idea.  It worked wonders for my SS.