Out of state trip for sgd B-day
My sd and her husband recently moved back in with her bio so now when we go for visits we will be spending more time than I am comfortable with at her home. Thankfully the birthday party itself will be somewhere else, I have no doubt we are going to spend every spare second with sd, sgd at bio mom's house....
I get it...dh is gaga over the baby, but I feel sooo left out because I'm not from that area and they are all engrossed in conversation about loc people they all know and whatever...I'm very much left out and just basically sitting there, smiling, hoping we can leave soon....but nope, its always been awkward for me. Sd is in heaven because her parents are there together, like one big happy family. She even said her mom wants ro make Christmas dinner when we come for Christmas! I am already panicking
Dh says I'm overly sensitive, but who likes to be ignored? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I just suck it up?
Why can't SD come to you for
Why can't SD come to you for Xmas?
SD doesn't drive and we are
SD doesn't drive and we are out of state and she and her husband wouldn't be able to take off work for 3-4 days to make it worthwhile. They are very young and don't have much income or budgeting skills to save for a trip (though we would give them money for gas and food when they got here).
This is a pretty tough
This is a pretty tough situation. Obviously, it will be easier for SD to be at home with all her baby needs vs packing up to go visit her dad wherever you are staying... .and the unfortunate reality is she lives with her mother.. his EX.
Now, it would be politeness under these circumstances if her mother would give her daughter some time/space so that she could visit with her dad without her there.. but that doesn't seem to be what happens.
Personally, I wouldn't make the trip.. or if I did, not go to any of the BM house events or visits.
The only other solution I can think of is if you guys rent a house on Air bnb for your visit.. and encourage SD to come stay with you for a day or two so that he can have uninterupted time with his grandchild and daughter?
Indeed biomom should back off
Indeed biomom should back off and let SD have time with her dad. But grandparents get batty over grandbabies and this is probably more about being possessive over the baby and asserting her role as THE GRANDMA than anything.
Seconding the Airbnb advice. My parents started doing this when they visit and it give everyone space so welcomes aren't worn out quite so fast.
AirBnB or VRBO is a great
AirBnB or VRBO is a great suggestion. Many are family-friendly and have extra playpens, high chairs, etc for small kids. OP, if you can find one that has a hot tub or something else that SD could use as a little break from baby, that might entice her over versus everything being at BM's house. Then you'd have the ability to disappear to your room, or the hot tub when not in use, or a fire pit to decompress and enjoy.
I really like that idea! I
I really like that idea! I will definitely see if I can find something along those lines!
Definitely uncomfortable
If I don't go, I appear jealous, which I suppose isn't incorrect.... plus I do enjoy seeing the baby, too.
BM will not step aside and allow us privacy for a visit in her home...she's front and center. I think she looked enjoys it because dh will engage in conversation with her while I'm tucked away in a corner because I don't know the people they are talking about since I'm not from that area. BM has a boyfriend, so I pray he's around when go.
I will definitely mention the air bnb idea! That would be great and make me much more at ease....but SD doesn't drive, so that may be an issue. It will definitely be a consideration.
I think we will only be there 2 nights, but with a second trip expected in December, I'll have some thinking to do. At Christmas I will have my bio son from 12/25 until school goes back, so the window for me to be included in the visit has to be before that, and I would hope DH doesn't plan for us to spend Christmas Eve in a hotel room...but who knows.
It feels like DH doesn't have boundaries with BM now that they're back on speaking terms, which happened about 2 years ago. Now they act like the best of friends and it makes me uncomfortable.
It's perfectly acceptable to
It's perfectly acceptable to tell your DH that you feel excluded and ignored, and that makes you feel uncomfortable.
"DH, I'm glad that you and BM are no longer adversarial. However, when we visit SD in her home, you make me feel excluded from conversations. I don't know who you are talking about and cannot join in, so I end up feeling uncomfortable and like a third wheel. I want you to be able to ask about how friends are doing, but I also need you to make an effort to redirect the conversation so that I, and BM's boyfriend and others who aren't in the know about these people, don't feel excluded. It's rude to the rest of us to walk down memory lane when we can't join you and basically have to remain silent for two hours with nothing to contribute."
If he gets snippy with that, then you need to decide where your line is and act accordingly. Always put it back on DH acting poorly as your husband - because that is the problem in this instance. You are extending yourself more than most would, and he can bend more than a bit to be accommodating.
She could also look for
She could also look for entries into the conversation by bringing up relative memories with her Ex or exes.
Oh.. fishing? My ex Bob loved to fish. Especially offshore fishing. I remember one time he came back from a day out with the boys and he had a whole 5 gallon bucket full of fish and he wanted me to clean them.. I explained that he had the fun of catching.. he could have the fun of cleaning them.. oh.. the look on his face when I handed him the filet knife.. but yeah.. I miss that fresh seafood he use to bring home.
or.. that sounds like a wild party.. my ex fred used to get pretty wild at our parties.. usually ended up with someone naked.. or passed out.. sometimes both... oh our misspent youth.. haha.. right hubby?
Or you can just bring up your next vacation plans with him.. Oh.. honey.. did you tell your daughter we are going to Aruba later this year? It is going to be so fun.. we have snorkling packages all planned out.. and the beach is clothing optional.. wink wink.
Yeah.. a bit passive aggressive.. but if the asking him to be more mindful that not everyone in the room wants to go down their memory lane.. doesn't work. more ammunition may be needed.
Also, if BM's BF is there.. you could always loudly say.. "Oh.. Tom.. they are going over those HS stories again.. let's go mix some drinks in the kitchen.. or take a walk around the block!"
Oh, I love this! I had
Oh, I love this! I had considered bringing a gift of alcohol that could be medicinal in this situation! I always bring a small gift to BM to show appreciation, kinda trying to be the bigger person.
I'm not above being passive aggressive if it makes my point in a subtle but effective way.
Honestly, I know my husband loves me and he's happier than he's ever been, becausehe tells me as much. But I also think he feels like he may have been an unfair jackass to BM at times in thr past. He has apologized and I don't know the facts of whatever happened then and honesty don't care...it was waaayyy before me. But I don't like his pity party of making amends or whatever making it seem like he forgot I was there.
I think I probably need a boost of self-confidence before I walk into what feels like a lions den.
I did exactly that after
I did exactly that after hours of memory lane. I was losing my mind, and everyone else left the house (I wonder why) so I had no one else to talk to. I tried interjecting my own stories and my own husband shouted me down. "WE''RE TALKING." "Yes, and ignoring me."
We left shortly after. DH had seen glimpses of my inner bitch but she came out in full glory that night. Scared the sh!t out of him and hasn't happened since. He has the good sense to be ashamed of his behavior.
I definitely need to toughen
I definitely need to toughen up in this respect. At DS high school graduation this past May (baby came before finishing high school), it was outdoors and we brought umbrellas to shield from the sun...DH and BM kept leaning around me to talk so I moved...I didn't know what else to do...then he kept knocking me in the head with the umbrella because he wasn't paying attention...I am done tolerating the bad behavior. I appreciate how you phrased it...bad behavior as my husband.
Have the conversation before
Have the conversation before you go, and lay out to him what you will do if he can't be accommodating.
"DH, if you can't work with me to make these changes, then I will leave BM's house and head back to the hotel. I won't spend my holiday in silence because it's easier for you to ignore me than it is to include me. If you can't figure out how to include me, then I don't need to be there."
Then leave if he behaves poorly. Either politely excuse yourself and let BM and the rest know you're leaving, or just get up and call an Uber. I'm generally not pro-passive aggression, but I think you need to see how egregious his behavior is. I'd vote for quietly getting up and leaving while he's chatting and see how long it takes for him to realize you've gone. It might wake him up, but more importantly, it might give you the spine to stand up to his crap behavior.
Because this is crap behavior. If he feels guilty and like he owes BM something, then he can either divorce you and marry her again OR get the therapy he needs to let the guilt go. But using you as a crutch is not okay.
You read my mind!
I've never said it out loud before, but, yeah....I've thought exactly what you said about divorcing me and remarrying her.
And my spine is growing...he works long hours and often 6-7 days a week, so he can get grumpy because he's tired, but I'm starting to show much less tolerance to the bullshit and snapping back.
We've had a couple of discussions from previous trips and this has all been within the past 2 years that there have been issues, but those conversations left me in tears and I'm over it. I don't like to feel that way and I'm the only one that can put an end to it.
Thank you all for the advice and encouragement....I needed to hear that! All of it.
Investigate museums, high end
Investigate museums, high end foodie restaurants, local winery tasting rooms, historical building to tour, etc, etc, etc.... They can talk about it, you do it.
The suggestion to get an Air B&B or Vrbo is a great one. Find a place that will be appealing for SD and the GSkid to visit you and DH rather than making it about the XW/BM. If you can shift the interface to your space rather than going to BM's, that is a huge win and at least puts her out of her comfort zone. Find a place that is large, comfortable, and that makes entertaining easy. Look at catering dinner into your B&B/Vrbo from a notable restaurant, etc...
We adopted this model when we are in SpermLand for holidays with my IL clan. The root reason for it is that none my ILs have a home that is presentable for entertaining and though I am far from germaphobic I just can't stomach being in their homes for more than a very short time and I will not eat off of anything in their homes. Though BIL1 and his wife keep their home fairly presentable.
We rent an event room at the only decent local hotel which is also were we stay. There is room for 20-ish people to comfortably mingle, several tables for them to eat and plenty of room for food set up, etc... and a large TV for kids to watch holiday movies while the adults adult. There is no arguing over whose home will host, no post event harping on who did or did not clean up, we have the catering company take it all away with them, and everyone usually brings their single favorite dish. The caterer brings the mains and main side dishes. There is a local foodie restaurant that my DW loves and who she works with on the food.
Inject some you into the mix and filter our some of the BM. She can of course be there, but... there is no need for you to be other in reference to the worship of the multi generational progeny of DH's failed family coupling. Be present, involved, and actively guiding as much as you can.
IMHO of course.
This is right up my alley! I
This is right up my alley! I feel that if we could find a suitable location, having my space to preside over would lessen tension for me enough that if a stroll down memory lane were to find it's way onto the agenda again, I could excuse myself more comfortably and reasonably.
I would at least feel more in control over my environment and that would make a huge difference alone.
The area we are going is literal Podunk....nothing there in terms of quality catering, so I wouldn't mind doing a fair bit of cooking, provided we can find something with a well-equipped kitchen.
I plan to bring this up to DH over the weekend and hopefully it's received well!
The anxiety is already strangling me, so hopefully finding a rental will be the relief I need!
I don't put myself in that
I don't put myself in that sort of position any more. Last time it happened was at my SO's mother's birthday party. I felt like I should have brought a date. I was on my own while my idiot boyfriend and his kids went out of their way to make sure I was ignored and his sister and mother loved every second of it. My boyfriend is incapable of not being manipulated by his kids and family so is on his own with those types of things.
Update
We weren't able to find a good Airbnb....the area we were in is very rural, so it just wasn't available. That doesn't mean I won't keep looking for future trips, though.
We stayed two nights at a local hotel. We arrived late in the evening and of course went to visit SD and SGD at BM's house. BM wasn't in the living room for several minutes and SD said she was cleaning, so I hoped that meant she was giving us space to visit....but I was wrong. She joined us and at some point SD's husband went to pick up some pizzas. The first visit wasn't too bad, although I'll never be perfectly at ease.
The next morning as soon as we got up SD sent a msg to her dad, wanting to go to breakfast. Well, that meant no time to actually get ready like I normally would, but we threw on clothes and went. Of course BM was there. I sat between the two of them and focused on my coffee and pancakes. We went back to the hotel to shower.
We all had dinner again that night at a local place then went back to BM's again. This night was the worst. DH and BM conversed about people they know/knew, a job BM had a long time ago, how much the SGD is like SD.... and I sat there, trying to join the conversation whenever I could, but I was at a loss because I don't have much to add on those subjects. Before we left for the evening, I asked SD if she needed us to pick up anything for SGD's birthday party the next day....she gave me a small shopping list.
The next morning SD sent a msg to DH about one more thing to add to the list....I pointed out to DH that we would need to go to a different store for that past item and why didn't SD pick it us when she went to pick up the cake? DH didn't have an answer but went out to pick up those few things while I got ready. When he got back he said he was actually behind BM and SD driving to/ from the store, so they just met up in the parking lot and he gave them the things SD had wanted us to pick up. If you haven't noticed, SD is very crafty about setting up situations for her parents to be together and BM doesn't protest...it seems to me DH is oblivious to it.
Anyway, we go to the birthday being held at a local hall that was rented for the party. I am trying really hard to keep my head up and be sweet and helpful, holding my place as DH's wife. I go to BM who is working on some last minute food prep and ask if I can do anything to help. She tells me no while she is rushing around. Ok, I don't insist but I offered. I honestly just sort of walked about looking at decorations and chatting here and there with SD and her husband and his family (they are kinda trashy, but I did get to talk to one of his relatives who once lived in my hometown, so I was grateful to find someone I had something to talk about with). I actually avoided DH so if he wanted to be near me, he had to find me.
On the way home he commented that everything seemed to have gone well and it was a good visit, blah, blah, except that for some reason I didn't like being at BM's....he dropped the subject when I said it did go well and it was a nice party for SGD.l, but I was uncomfortable hanging out with BM so much because they have a conversation about people they mutually know or the area around there, bygone days and I'm left out because I have nothing to add.
I actually spend some time texting a girlfriend while they chatted.
He obviously knows I'm not comfortable because he acknowledged it. He seems to think its a requirement to go to BM's to visit SD and SGD since SD and her husband and baby live there....
BM's boyfriend was absent except for a few minutes when he stopped by the party because he had to work.
BM made sure to tell us to let her know when we would be visiting for Christmas so she could make a big dinner...
Ugh!
I honestly avoid visits over there unless its around a holiday, but I don't like going then. I don't want to be a big happy family with his ex. He must know this, right?
I don't want to start a fight or seem petty, but how do you talk about this, especially if he gets upset?
I don't know about Christmas yet....I hope by that time an airbnb or vrbo might be available that would suit us. If it's not, I need to have another talk with DH, but rocking the boat isn't my strong suit.
I am trying to figure out how to handle this all peacefully and I'm willing to compromise, but I need him to give a little, too.
Is there any reason why SD,
Is there any reason why SD, her DH, and SGD cannot visit your home for Christmas?
That was my first question -
That was my first question - lol. Here's what OP siad:
"SD doesn't drive and we are out of state and she and her husband wouldn't be able to take off work for 3-4 days to make it worthwhile. They are very young and don't have much income or budgeting skills to save for a trip (though we would give them money for gas and food when they got here)."
Oops, missed that. Thanks,
Oops, missed that. Thanks, Winterglow!
This is definitely what I
This is definitely what I prefer! And I'm already starting the push for this. It is a little difficult, since the baby is a year old and packing her up with everything she needs can be a challenge.
I don't blame you for pushing
I don't blame you for pushing for that. While my DH and I have had to associate with his ex, BioHo, there is absolutely no way we would spend one minute in the 'Ho House.
Why doesn't SD drive? If an emergency occurs and no one else is around...
We've all encouraged her
Everyone has encouraged her...she's failed the written test 3 times and is at the point her state will require her to take a special driver's ed class before she can try again.
Not to put SD down, but being honest, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. And other people do things for her, so she's never had to shoulder real responsibility by herself.
Ugh. Learned Helplessness.
Ugh. Learned Helplessness.
I get that he wants to build
I get that he wants to build a relationship with his grandchild. But it isn't necessarily fair and balanced if he gets to monopolize every holiday with a trip to his Ex wife's house. I think you are really within your rights to ask that not EVERY major holiday involve this trip... that perhaps one holiday (like the one you JUST had) would be good.. then perhaps a summer longer visit so everything isn't just compressed into november and december.. and so that you and he can enjoy your OWN holiday together without the hassle and all of the trip!
So.. Christmas? Honey.. we JUST got back from there... let's plan a visit for you maybe in February or March? I would really like to spend this Christmas just relaxing and having fun with you.. of course we can send a lovely set of gifts and do some facetiming Christmas morning.. of course we can.
If he presses.. you can come back with the fact that he knows that these trips are a little difficult for you.. and you know he doesn't intend that.. but that is just what they are. You of course are supporting him.. and grin and bearing it.. but if you could not be made to endure something that honestly is a bit unpleasant at each major holiday.. well.. that would really be nice of him to consider your feelings TOO.
AND... I would also push and say... that at least once a year.. that they really need to be making an effort to come see you.. yes it's a trip.. yes.. BF will need to probably take a day or two off. .but you are sure he has some small lattitude with that.. and it is only fair if they make at least some effort to bridge that gap.
Maybe even something like her BF delivers her and baby one weekend.. he leaves to go back to work and returns next weekend to pick her up?
Perhaps offering to pay for that special driving school? might be a lovely gift for his daughter?
Can you make arrangements to
Can you make arrangements to spend Christmas with your family instead of BM? I don't see why you should spend every festive moment with the woman who should be in your husband's rear view mirror ... Why on earth did they get divorced if they get along so well together?
I have one kiddo that's
I have one kiddo that's married and in the military and 2 kids still at home, but my parents are no longer living, so I'm happy doing Christmas without traveling. If my oldest is visiting during the time DH is off work for the holidays and able to travel out of state, then I will definitely be staying behind.
DH and BM didn't always get along so well...but they did have a meeting of the minds when SD ran off with the boy she eventually married. We went and found SD and took her back to her mom...DH and BM hadn't spoken more than a few words in the 4 years we've been together until that point.
DH has seen I have a good, civil co-parenting relationship with my 1st ex-husband and he thinks this mess is like that....but we don't go to dinner together or meet up to visit. We get together when needed for one of the kids and that's it.
He doesn't see the differences between the relationships.
I DO feel your pain.
I DO feel your pain.
DH and I always travel to Skidville. SD comes to visit us occasionally, but SS hasn't been to see his dad in almost 10 years. TEN YEARS. DH is 72 with health issues. I'm younger but can't drive at night. So long distance travel is hard for us.
I agreed to go to Skidville again this Christmas, provided that it was our last. Then DH had a major health scare just last week. Now I think it's foolish to go there. But I feel awful for DH that his kids don't visit him, so I'm not sure what we'll do. I'm hoping the Doc we see next week will tell him not to travel.
Anyway... Surely your DH understands that hanging out with BM is uncomfortable? And leaving you out of conversation for an extended time is rude? SD can figure out how to visit you.
If he remains stubbornly
If he remains stubbornly obtuse, be unflinchingly direct, "DH, do you SERIOUSLY think I enjoy sitting beside a woman you used to F@CK when I could be sticking forks in my eyes?! And having to do it for EVERY holiday? "
If you want to be a little gentler, ask him when you've ever inflicted such torture on him.
Gold
This is pure gold and really does a great job at expressing my feelings in a language he can understand!!!!
You guys were just there
You guys were just there visiting. Spend Christmas at home. If he cries over not seeing them at Christmas then he can go visit alone.
I'd be done with hanging out at BMs house and watching SD orchestrate little "whoopsie" accidental meet ups. If you don't stay home in the future while he visits on his own you can read, watch TV, relax in the hotel room, go shopping, go sit on a park bench, etc when he goes to spend time with them. Drop him off at BMs, say hello to the grandchild if you want, and say see ya, pick you up at xx:00. But, I'd rather just stay home.
Oh I agree. BM didn't HAVE to
Oh I agree. BM didn't HAVE to come to breakfast. She could have dropped them off or DH couldn't have picked them up. The fact that she was there shows she intends on being queen bee and OP better know it.
You're right
You're exactly right. There are lots of things BM shouldn't have done and hasn¹t needed to do over the past couple years.
She is in a relationship, but it seems she enjoys being in the mix of things and I can only assume the reason is because she feels like she is in control.
I can't seem to make DH understand, and I know he's afraid he won't get to see the baby if he rocks the boat.
My only options appear to be to 1. Suck it up and deal with it or 2. Not be involved in the visits.
My big concern about not being there is what could be said in my absence....and that may or may not be rational, but it's honestly been what had kept me from just not going.
I feel like damned if you do, damned if you don't
Yes, that's exactly it..
Yes, that's exactly it...damned if you do/don't. I decided I'd had enough. I'm too old and tired for bullshit and don't care what they say. People like them will always talk, regardless, and always believe what they want to believe, regardless.
I don't care how long it
I don't care how long it takes for you to drive or fly or teleport yourselves to go see them. I'd be telling DH that this arrangement is not even close to being reasonable in light of the fact that SD still lives with BM.
Six to Eight hours! That's it. That is all the time needed to catch up with family, fawn over the baby, eat a few snacks and say Sayonara until next time! When SD because more independent of her BM, and has her own place, then I could see increasing time allotments for these precious family visits. But until then, not a chance!
Christmas is around the corner
Christmas is around the corner and I keep suggesting to DH that SD, her husband and sgd should come to our house....his response is "that would be nice..." I think if he won't do it, next time we have a video call I will suggest it and try to hype it up. They like it here, we take them to the mall and nice dinners out....anything to avoid being in the presence of BM is on the table for me.
It sucks that I'm willing to shell out hundreds of dollars just to avoid BM.
If its out of the question for them to come here and we end up going there again, I will try to talk to DH....I feel like he doesn't understand how I feel, despite trying to explain to him countless times before.
I feel like he will do whatever he has to do to see the baby....he's over the moon in love with sgd....and it may take me just not going to make him see that I do have boundaries and won't keep putting my hand on the proverbial hot stove.
My military son doesn't get to take leave for Christmas, but is stationed within a days drive...I could just go visit him when DH goes to see SGD and SD..... but I'd rather we could make our visits to the kids, his and mine with no BM drama
Toxic Skids and toxic Xs
Toxic Skids and toxic Xs cannot be tolerated in allowing them to leverage a GSkid to their evil and manipulative purposes.
Your DH needs clarity on this. His place is with you as yours is with him. Together you need to be an unassailable duo and a force that cannot be reconed with.
Time for daddy to tell his toxic failed family dogs to get back in their kennel and give them clarity that their mother is not his family any longer. They can interface with him and his wife without their mommy present.
To provide clarity, DH should inform his daughter that until further notice, if she insists on forcing his time with her and his GK's to include her mother that any time SD has with him, will be free of her DH.
See how she likes that.
smh
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
So here's where I'm at...
So here's where I'm at...
If it appears that a trip has to be made to Podunk to see SD and Sgk, I will tell him that if I am to accompany him, I have a request. I need him to arrange our visit to exclude BM's house except for about an hour so they can open their gifts (just because of the volume of things we've got for them and to make a small cameo). Beyond that, I want our interactions to be elsewhere and he should tell SD that while we appreciate the hospitality, its not really appropriate.
He may buck and tell me I'm a jealous nutcase, or he may see my perspective and honor me as his wife and assure me he will do just as I have asked.
I don't know what he will do...I've never given him an ultimatum like that before. If he says no way he will do as I've asked, then I don't think I can go with him. And it makes me question our marriage.
I have good intuition often and I've I've been denying my gut feelings because I don't want to be right...but I think he may still be hung up on his ex wife. If that's the case, then I need to go. I don't play second fiddle.
Of course I'd love it if he chooses me and can carry out my request, but I don't think he will.
I asked that question above...
And it seems like you have brought that shadow thought out into the light.
I dont know the circumstances of things in a great amount of detail, but if you are questioning things now, this is a good time to really look at the bigger picture. It may be more than just this situation. Im glad that you gave the choice. its not so much an ultimatum, he cannot have his cake and eat it too, and him wanting to have BM and You his wife at the same time, fighting for his attention, is very carcissistic. He perhaps enjoys the "pick me dance" that happens when you and BM are around each other.
I haven't given the choice yet
I haven't given him this choice yet....I'm hoping we can get SD to come visit us instead of us going there. DH agreed it would be better, but it depends on whether they will or not....
I think its fair, especially that I am willing to go to BM's for an hour or so to let them open their Christmas gifts, but beyond that, I don't want BM around. Why the hell would I?
Honestly, if he wants to be with BM longer than that, I don't want to be there because its not pleasant for me. I essentially sit there while they all chat and I am excluded. I have to force my way into a conversation and that's not what I do. I think it's rude to behave that way and I don't want to accept being treated that way. I've spoken up and let DH know and that didn't help. I feel like it's left to me to protect myself and I love myself enough to do that.
Back in the summer on our way home from a trip over there, I asked DH if he might take a day or 2 off to spend with me (he's got a demanding job that doesn't offer much time off at all)....and he got angry. He asked me if I wanted him to quit his job....I tried to explain that he had taken time for SD's events, and he planned to take time for SGD's bday...so why not take a day or 2 for me, if it was possible. He said that he would be at SGD's birthday regardless. He didn't say anything else about time with me...so I just cried most of the way home. I was hurt and angry, and resolved that I'd never again ask him to take time for me, but that I would love myself more.
Since then, I have done well for the most part, getting in deeper touch with myself. I remembered who I am and what I've been through in the past and overcome...this isn't my first rodeo.
DH has a lot of stress and fatigue because of his work, but that's no excuse. He can make time for others, and that's great. I deserve some too, if he loves me. If he does, he needs to show it more because I'm holding on my a thread now and when I'm done, I'm done. And I also don't deserve to feel humiliated, sitting there on BM'S sofa while they chat it up.
Don't think of it as an
Don't think of it as an ultimatum. Your DH is asking YOU to do something uncomfortable (spend time at BM's house and with BM). That would make almost anyone uncomfortable.
You are communicating to DH that this is not something you want to do. You tried last time, and you don't wish to be in the same situation again. You are asking him to take YOUR feelings and preferences into consideration. Nothing wrong with that -- that's what loving couples do.
If he can't or won't do anything to make you, his wife and life partner, happy, then you will know that you are solidly in last place, and he places HIS desires and that of SD (and probably BM) ahead of yours. I guess wives are just supposed to suck it up and plaster a smile on their faces, but husbands don't have to do anything uncomfortable themselves? Eff that.
I AGREE!
I AGREE. Whole-heartedly. I feel like I have tried very hard and have gone way above what alot of women would do.
I don't mind events....that is something most of us have to deal with. But not every visit (even though its only maybe 4- 5 times a year or so).
The last 2 visits I've hoped against hope it would be different...I voiced my discomfort and expected my husband to respond like a husband...with concern....but he didn't. That lack of response and indifference really was all I needed to hear. It won't change if left up to him, so I have to be the one to change it. Ok, I've changed my life before when I wasn't satisfied with a situation....I can do it again, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.