She sounds like my exBF's son, very smart and used to being treated like a mini adult. One minute butting into the adult conversation, the next minute crying like a two year old and hanging onto his daddy.

No, I don't think you are expecting too much, especially at age ten. You have a ten year old so you know this already, don't second guess yourself. There's nothing wrong with her having some alone time with daddy, but she should also have some time on her own, playing with your sons, or with other girls her age.

Are there any girls in the neighborhood she could play with?

Oh boy - the mini wife!!!! Yeah, your husband isn't helping her grow and become independent by allowing her to hang all over him, chase him around, follow him and basically be a 3rd arm.

You're NOT expecting too much. The girl needs to have her self confidence boosted, get some friends, enjoy an extra curricular activity (martial arts, gymnastics, cheerleading? SOMETHING that gets her interacting with other kids her age) and dear daddy needs to back off and foster some independence and growth in his daughter.

I went through the same with DH and his daughter, who was 12 at the time. It was hard to watch. The kid would literally follow him to the bathroom and sit outside the door waiting on him!! When he came out of the bathroom, she'd rush to his side, grab his hand, interlace her fingers and lean against him. She sat on his lap at the dinner table! Everywhere we went, she had to hold his hand, fingers interlaced and with her head on his shoulder, sitting on his lap. It was out of hand when she'd spoon him on the floor and grab his arm and throw it over her body, holding his hand, her butt in his crotch. It was that time that I spoke to him about her clingy, needy, mini wife unhealthy attachment and CONSTANT need for his attention.

Until dear dad decides to allow his daughter to grow up and get her own life, I'm sorry, but she's just going to get MUCH worse. Search the term "mini wife" on this forum...you can read a LOT of stories like mine and get good suggestions.

I do hope your husband is supportive of you. If you approach him with SD's best interests at heart, he should be receptive. You can do some research online about inappropriate father/daughter relationships (sorry I can't seem to locate the links I'd saved before on this subject) and approach him with the fact that she's growing up now and needs to do things other 10 yr olds are doing, not being so dependent on daddy for everything. He's hampering her growth!

Wow, I have different take on this all together. There is room for everyone in a family. My bio daughter and I were like to peas in pod. But she has grown to be a very secure, self sufficient young woman, moved away and working on her doctorate degree. Your step daughter is probably missing something and feeling very needy. Or she could be just a brat needing attention, but either way you and your DH need to be on the same page.

Fdh's daughter was nine when I came into the picture, clingy needy, drama. Slowly I started peeling back the layers. When she would lay down on her dad and complain how she didn't feel good and then want to play with my god kids 20 minutes later. I would say oh no fsd then 9, you can't go out side and play you were just telling your dad how bad your stomach hurt. You need to lay here and rest. In about 2 months the I don't feel good, hang all over daddy deal stopped. So then I said to FDH, did you notice how fsd9 doesn't tell you how she doesn't feel bad anymore to get attention? He acknowledge it immediately.

Second problem. She wanted to sit in the middle of us all the time. Once again I looked at her and said oh, FSD9 there will always be room for you. Let me make room for you. If a few months she could have cared less. Also FDH hated it, so her started telling her no, sit here.

She just wanted to feel secure an loved, when she figured out I was no threat, most of her insecurity subsided. I tell her often she will always be daddy little girl, and FDH immediately tells her, dragonfly will always be my number one lady.
There is room in all relationships for everyone as long as there are healthy boundaries.

If her behavior has changed she is feeling insecure. Sometime FSDnow12, get the clingy needy dad thing again. I look at FDH and say FSD12 is very needy what's up?
He talks her and 99 percent of the time her crazy mother has said something stupid, to make her feel insecure, like you know your dad would rather be with dragonfly than you....what insaine person says something like that to a child.

My suggestion is address is head on with your DH tell him that you are worried about her being so insecure and encouraging or accepting her behavior is not healthy for her. Make a plan on how you both will be dealing with her drama.

Good luck, I do know how difficulty the clingy, needy step daughter can be!

wow-with the exception of the 2 boys this is my exact living situation. I HATE it. I am a third wheel in my own relationship. She needs to touch him and be near him at all times so that we NEVER have alone time or can even hold hands without her on the other side. I have brought it up in numerous occasions but he thinks it is all normal and I am overreacting. Don't get me wrong- she doesn't dislike me by any means, I am just tired of her being coddled and not encouraged to be independent. He still walks her into school in the morning when he drives her in.
Thanks for the suggestion on looking up mini wife.

I have a very similar situation with my SD10 and SS5. Finally at dinner one night after they fought over who got to sit by dad for the 100th time, I asked them to consider something.

"How would you feel if every time we went to dinner, your dad and I fought over who got to sit next to "Timmy". It would make "Sally" feel sad and unwanted. This is how I feel when we go to dinner, and it would be nice if we could come up with a solution where we don't fight over dad each time".

I feel your pain!! I've been a part of my SD life for 9 years. She's 10 going to be 11 in a month. She, too, is mature and bright. DH, SD, and I have been living together for 3 years, and for the first 1 1/2, she was very clingy with her dad. She'd sit in between us on the couch, lay on him, hold his hand all the time, and sit next to him at a restaurant. If DH were to leave the living room, she'd follow him. SD would ask DH to come in the bathroom with her to time her while brushing her teeth. I expressed my concerns with my DH, cause like you, I felt SD should be more independent. DH thought she felt threatened, so I assured her that her dad loves her, and he's not going anywhere. I told her I care about her, and I'm not trying to take her place. I tried my best to make her feel welcomed when she was at our house. DH provided her with assurance as well. The clingy behavior has gotten better. She's still clingy at times, but not all the time. She also has an ipod that consumes much of her time...maybe you can buy your SD one if she doesn't have one already It helps when SD has friends around. She'll play with them and forget about us. Good luck to you and your husband!

I know this feeling very, very well. I must admit it is slightly reassuring that I am not alone. I have lived with my DH and his daughter for 4 years now. She is very clingy to her dad, and although we get on pretty well, I can't help feeling left out and awkward when we all go out together with my SD holding daddy's hand and not wanting to let go (she's 10), or she sits between us at meal times, watching tv on the sofa. I know she loves her daddy etc but I feel left out of their bond, and like she is constantly trying to put herself in my place. She always wants to 'look after' her daddy and kiss him - on the lips, massage his feet. I find this very uncomforting but I love my DH very much.

Any help or support is very much appreciated.

The one thing I would worry about is her being dependent on the BF. I think it is very important that children get a sense of self reliance at an early age. I am sure the little girl is just in the habit of spending a lot of time with the BF and does not understand sharing time but needs to learn. My SD use to be very dependent on her BF. He tucked her in at night until she was 11 after that I said enough is enough, she is too old to be tucked in. She whined about it for weeks but she got over it but now had to have the bathroom light on to sleep (age 15). I think biological parents need to carefully balance their affections to their children. One of the goals should be teaching children to grow up to be independent adults.

Hi new here. This is sort of off topic, but here it is. My SD and her mother insert herself in the Family as thought there was no divorce, more the Mother. She all of a sudden after 6 years of silence has suddenly become my sister in law's best bud. SD call her deeda (yep at 31 still baby talk)... we had a blow up 4 years ago about her and her dad sleeping together till she was 16. I just went off, I had heard that before and dad told me she was wrong she was little. Well turns out that was not what she said the second time in front of both parents. The Mother fell on my husband and wept like a baby (this has happen before)
Am I just nut to find all of this offensive? Now when she calls she lets the phone ring twice, and my 65 year old husband dives for the phone, he can't stand the thoughts of upsetting her. I feel like I can win for loosing in this situation and after 10 years the first 6 she had little to do with him, now she calls several time a day, she has no friends. She got PG and no one at the company offered to have a shower for her, so her boss's did... I am on the verge of just giving up with this sister in law deal... am I the nut or have I just found the tree? :O

I have the same issue currently but it's an almost 11 year old boy who lives with us half of the time, 50/50 with his 

I've been dating his Dad for over 3 years and have known him for 2 years. I moved in 6 months ago and the behavior has gotten worse.

my boyfriend is incredibly amazing and tries to please him and is easy on him, maybe due to "divorced dad guilt" who knows he needs to focus his attention on him when his son says "dada, i want to spend ALL DAY with you" on the weekend and I'm there.

Speaking of, he still says dada and uses it so frequently that my boyfriend had to tell him he wanted to be called dad, and does it more often now knowing well that it's not what he's supposed to say. 

also- I am not the type to be around all the time. I work outside of the home and am gone all day, and his dad works from home. I give them plenty of time together as I liked down time. 

he also needs him to read to him, have a full bedtime routine that's longer than 30 mins and has to be told to do everything because he's not responsible and likes to be babied, have his father sleep in his room once a week, and I just feel like I'm a huge problem. 

how can I help the situation? I am so frustrated because I know his BM is encouraging this behavior and wants him to stay little. I just sound so resentful and I'm trying to stay away from that. Help! 

Thank God for this blog and everyone that has posted on this topic specifically! It is so Nice not to feel alone in this.  I'll share my 2 cents on what has worked for my boyfriend and now 12 year old Daughter ( who is still needy, coddled, smothering , attention seeking and very  immature for her age although the past years we've started to make progress.  I decided to firmly establish boundaries and my personal space but also , Stopped using  my vacation days to spend with your child because it completely defeats the whole purpose of vacation .  This was the best thing we've decided to do!! Now when my boyfriend has to spend and entire weekend with his brat , alone, he is able to see what I've been talking about .  By the time their weekend is over, I have enjoyed a wonderfully quiet weekend with my dog ( my real child)  doing whatever the F I want and boyfriend comes back with new found perspective  for what I've been trying to warn him all these years.  let them spend time alone with the little monsters they created!!! 

"She is a very bright girl and very mature."

She is clingy and incapable of self play and self soothing. If anything she is extemely immature and sadly her daddy tolerating her clingy mini wife bullshit is the cause of the problem.

Even worse, she is a manipulative and conniving little shit.  Also tolerated by daddy.

Daddy needs the message that if he does not get this under control that he will find himself looking for his next wife. No marriage can survive in an form of quality condition when one of the spouses is engaged in a full on emotionally incestuous relationship with a child.  Even if it is their own child.