Step parent advice
Hi all. I'm a fairly new stepmom. My husband and I started dating when my stepson was just turned 8. He just turned 11. When we first dated my stepson was a lot more interested in a relationship with me however as he gets older it's fading as he is more into his phone and computer games than socializing with us anymore (that's a hole other issue). My husband has a little bit of the Disneyland dad syndrome. He's a great dad but as a new mom myself and now a wife and stepmother I see a lot of things that my stepson gets away with that I wouldn't agree with if he was my own. My husband travels extensively for work. This time he is gone for two months. We are half way into it. I do not see my stepson when my husband is away and he stays with his bio mother. My struggle is I am trying to maintain a relationship that's dwindling away with him while my husband is away but my stepson does not respond back to my messages (he sees them as he has a read receipt on his phone) or also his paternal grandparents either. This may have to do with his bio mom but I'm not sure. We know he sees them tho. I had a talk with him before my husband left and told him that it hurts people's feelings when he doesn't respond or stays in touch with us. It's really frustrating to me. Yesterday was his birthday and I sent a few messages and didn't even get a thank you in return. Am I over reacting? I told my husband he needs to have a talk with him about being polite and he kinda just brushes it off and gets frustrated with me about bringing it up. It's really hard because when my husband is not working we do have him 50% of the time. He is starting to disrespect me a little here as well as I try to make rules and consequences here at our new home where he had none before. I just see him turning into this teenager soon and the little things that he's doin now will be much bigger. The relationship is fading fast. Do I just need to suck it up and be the adult and keep trying at this relationship or does my husband need to step up and have a heart to heart with him? Thank you all! Any advice is welcome. This is all new to me.
I am not bothering him. I'm
I am not bothering him. I'm wishing him a happy birthday and sending him photos of the pets we have here and or of his brother taking his first steps. I think two months is a long time to not communicate with someone you are helping to raise. No?
She has a kid of her own. She
She has a kid of her own. She sent SS a photo of kid taking first baby steps. Aren't all eleven year olds, who don't see their father for two months, thrilled to get baby pics of little brother? :?
I should correct and give
I should correct and give details of contact I sent him. On his actual birthday a text with a photo saying happy birthday (Sunday) on Friday I sent him I hope he has a good birthday weekend and I heard he got a motorcycle that's so cool. Monday I sent a video of his baby brother taking his first steps. I'm not calling him or nor do I think that is bothering him.
I don't expect phone calls. But when someone contacts you to wish you a happy birthday or shares something with you ignoring that person is a little hurtful I think. But I guess I am over reacting and I appreciate the advice. Two months to me is just a bit of time to not have any contact.
Does he respond to and have
Does he respond to and have communication with his father during Dad's long absences?
My hopes in this is to
My hopes in this is to maintain somewhat of a relationship with him when my husband is away. Even if it's just a short text once a week. I want him to know I care but when it's not reciprocated it's hard on me to want to continue building the relationship which makes me feel shitty for thinking like that. Because we do have him a lot when he is home. This age is hard because he is changing into a young man. I also have an issue with manners and being polite to people and that's why I wanted my husband to remind him of. Saying thank you to people and acknowledging contact is just polite. He does talk to my husband when he is gone. He also ignores his paternal grandparents. It's hard on them too. The divorce was a little messy as I'm sure they all are. It's just sad kids get mixed up in it. And with my husbands work schedule it just adds to the issue. I might add that he is only gone about 4 months of the year and the rest of the time home full time.
I know I signed up for it. But felt like I needed to reach out And hear other people's opinions. I dont want to ruin my marriage over it. Or nag my husband when it's not justified you know. Thank you everyone
My son is in his twenties now
My son is in his twenties now but at about that age and through high school he seemed to not want his Mom so much. I was a very involved parent and drove him back and forth to school, took him to all his sporting events, volunteered at school, etc. They only way I knew what was going on was because of what the other kids told me. My son told me nothing. At home he didn't have much to say and spent time in his room. I remember that I bought books because I was worried that something was wrong. Long story short my son and I are back to being very close. I love him with all of my heart and he is a husband and dad now. I am so proud of the man that he has become although he is a man of few words. Don't push it. Just be kind and let him know that you are there for him. Include him in family activities. But as the others stated don't call or text when he is with his BM although the Happy birthday text was fine. It's all about the boundries. Good luck to you.
Politeness and manners and
Politeness and manners and acknowledging people are key, key, key. Kudos to you for wanting to make sure he learns those.
However.
Teach him those things in your own home. The longer you are in step life the more you will realize how disruptive and intrusive contact from the other parent is while the child is in your home. It stirs up the kid's feelings about the divorce and the absence of the other parent. How much more so when it's the step contacting him, not even his parent? It's better to just let the kid live with his mom in peace. Believe me, you will learn to appreciate it when his mom backs off while he's at your house.
I suggest when a bday comes up or whatever while dad is gone--assuming all else is well in your parenting partnership with dad--send skid a bday card in the US Mail and sign dad's name then yours and baby's. That's plenty while skid is with mom.
Welcome to steplife. Boy will be all wiggly and attention-seeking or distant and rude-ish when he comes back and hasn't seen any of you for 2 months. Seems universal that transitions wind up the skids during every single hostage exchange. just deal with it.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your suggestions
I will def use them going forward.
BM however is constantly calling and texting him while he is with us. If he doesn't reply to her. She contacts us to get him to respond. I get it now that I have a son of my own. But she def has a different set of rules for herself. He's actually nervous if he doesn't get back to her in time. So maybe there's a bigger picture with him not replying to me or the grandparents that I don't know about. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I'm more social and friendly to people and laid back about this kind of stuff and have always been friendly with her. But if she doesn't get her way sometimes it's hell to pay for the next few months.
You see? Wouldn't it be nicer
You see? Wouldn't it be nicer if his bm let him enjoy his time at dad's and to deal with attending the rules of that house in peace?
She's his mom, though. It's primal and hard-wired into him to make sure that SHE makes sure he survives. That's the law of the jungle.
You're thinking of him almost like a girlfriend who is supposed to follow rules of reciprocation and relationship nurturing. (Ok, girlfriend is such a loaded word these days I feel compelled to give this disclaimer: Girlfriend like Lucy and Ethel, Hazel and her maid pals, Aunt Bea and Clara, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, Your mom and her bookclub gals, You and your sorority sisters)
He's not your "friend." He's a kid who comes and goes from your home. You can hope for a warm and friendly relationship with him, keeping your authority-figure status, but mostly out of mind when he's not at your house. Believe me, this is what you WANT!
My ss15 and I have a fantastic relationship. We really do. But I have never ever texted him or contacted him in anyway when he was at his mother's house. That's her time. None of my business.
I would do anything for this kid and, frankly, have. He also cares about me and draws me in his family pictures etc. But I doubt he has more than one or two thoughts about me during the days I am not standing in front of him, if that. Those thoughts would consist of, "How come CGU never plays video games?" or "No, thanks, Mom. I already had salad when I went out with CGU last night."
You have a good heart and want to be there for this little boy as a real family member. That's great. But you have to look at the nature of your particular family. He has two parents -- you are a special category that, believe me, he is trying to work out in his own head, too.
BTW, don't forget he is acutely attuned to his mother's feelings about you. He won't do anything that screams "Danger, Will Robinson," to him when it comes to his mom's feelings. Just leave him in peace and be a great stepmom when he shows up to your house.
Besides, I gotta say, you are getting some great alone time to enjoy your baby! Stop spending one second of it worrying about this kid when you don't have to!
Thanks for the advice and
Thanks for the advice and offering another point of view. I do appreciate it. I really didn't think I was over stepping any boundaries and this is new to me. But I see the other perspective now.
I think you're gonna do
I think you're gonna do great. One day you will look at a hulking 17 year old out on the front lawn playing tackle with your 6 year old and feel a lot of joy. You will know that kid well by then and have it all worked out.
Sounds like things are going really well for your family. Most of us came here because things were going horribly. I don't mean to downplay what is worrying you nor discourage you from sharing other things that come up, but from what you've posted so far it sounds like you're one of the lucky ones. Rock on!
But it is certainly true that in the early days of step life you find you had NO IDEA what you were letting yourself in for! We all relate to that.
Also, for the record, I think "overstepping" is an overblown concept. I wouldn't accuse you of that. I think you are full of enthusiasm and pink clouds of romance from early love and want to make it all perfect. We were all like that once. It's not the worst thing to be guilty of!
Thanks! I'm sure I will be
Thanks! I'm sure I will be back. Things are calm right now because it's just me and my baby but there are a few other issues which I don't even remember right now! Glad I found this site.
I don't think three messages
I don't think three messages in a four week period would be considered numerous. Specially when one was a happy birthday. The other congratulating him on his birthday gift and 1 sharing a video of his brother (who he does love) walking for the first time.
Bab1977 - this is not your
Bab1977 - this is not your child, you are not married to the child but to his father, this child has a mother
You have no right texting the kid and calling him and BM has all the right to ignore your calls, you are not the kid parent, respect the boundaries now and be grateful later in life...
let me ask you this - do you text and call your cousins and nephews and nieces daily/weekly/monthly....
We would call SS once a week
We would call SS once a week while he was on SpermClan visitation. If he answered we would talk and then call once during the next week. If he didn't answer, we called daily until we spoke with him.
The SpermClan never played the interference or harassment card. We were never unreasonable about it, never interfered, and they never bothered to call the Skid just to check in with him. Never once in the 16+ years we lived under the CO.
Rags, your kid was gone for
Rags, your kid was gone for weeks on end. And his mother was at your house.
My skid I see every couple days. It would be seriously weird if I, the sm, had to check on him every 36 hours. My dh does have some contact with his kids when they're not here but it's pretty brief -- usually the exchange of a joke or some info.
But when the skids are at our house, bm can certainly get SD all worked up over some balderdash. Instead of encouraging the child to work things out with dad, she likes to stir up drama and get involved in the "let's play one parent off the other" game. BM's not here -- she has no idea what's going on. It's just making a mess. Other times it's just truly disruptive of a family activity or etc. Kid's having fun -- suddenly they're mentally and emotionally absent and conflicting feelings are stirred up. Great, now they're sullen and fussy. Just great.
Your kid was having severe neglect and was far away for long periods of time. No one on earth is going to object to you guys keeping your eye on the situation and making sure he had a lifeline. But in less extreme situations it can be a very different story.
No doubt at all that our
No doubt at all that our situation was far from the usual EOW/EOWE situation and far easier to deal with than a regular interface situation with a toxic blended family opposition. Though the SpermClan was manipulative, toxic, and neglectful the kid was only cursed by the courts to have to spend 7wks a year with them the longest visitation being 5wks in the summer.
I have no idea how I would have dealt with the situation you and your family struggle with. It is far more challenging than what we lived during out CO years.