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Any way to stop this?

Biostep7777's picture
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Our over the top super insanely HCBM is constantly playing games. Wondering what we can do to stop this (if anything) So, younger SS plays travel ball. In the spring/fall mom and dad go to the weekend games (I go occasionally and we all go occasionally but usually we have other things going on but DH goes to all SS games. When it's BM's weekend older SS is never ever at the games. He has not come to one. He does not want to sit there for hours. These things can go on for 5-6 hours. But on our weekend she will say to him "are you coming to your brother's games?" She has a way of manipulating them into doing what she wants them to do. SS knows this means "mom wants me to say yes so I better go" even when we all know he absolutely doesn't want to go. He reluctantly says okay I'll go and it's beyond obvious he doesn't want to. If DH says "you don't have to go bud" he's like "I want to go I guess" 
 What would you do? 

JRI's picture

How aggravating.  I dont know what you can do.  So, i'd try to ignore it.  Your husband has given him the green light to stay home.  Look at it this way: SS HAS to live with her,  he's doing what makes life easier for him.  The opposite spectrum was our BM who very seldom attended any of SS's games and I know it was disappointing to him.  Steplife....

Biostep7777's picture

Yeah I know. She has been using sports to completely take up DH's time with the kids. It's obvious. She didn't do this until we got engaged. They did one sport a session and maybe a music lesson or something. We got engaged and a month later they were in 3 sports having games/practices the entire weekend. It's annoying! DH put his foot down and said "I will only agree to one sport per session" they were on multiple teams and she would tell them to pick which one they wanted to go to when games overlapped leaving the other team out a player. DH did not want them thinking that's okay. He told her if they join a team, they need to commit to that team and show  up. That's impossible to do being on several teams when games are overlapping. They were exhausted and even the therapist said it was way too much. (She fired him after he was their therapist for 4 years saying her and the kids are no longer comfortable with him) yeah okay. So, now what she does is when one doesn't have any games that day and can stay home and relax, hang out with his friends or stepsisters she wants to make sure he comes so she can have him sit with her the entire time. She's insanely jealous and doesn't want the kids with me EVER. She had a fit and told DH that if he's not "personally" with them the entire time they are here then she wants them. Lol!! He was like "not happening" (unless it's overnight where she has first right of refusal for overnights only) So now, she tries to manipulate ways to get them to be with her all weekend and sports is the perfect way to accomplish that. It's been a huge struggle but almost impossible to prove that's what she's doing. She just says "I'm an excellent mother tryjng to give her kids all the opportunities. They love being active and they get good grades" so, it's very very hard to fight against that! DH wants them In extracurriculars. Just not 3 at at time. Travel ball was her way of doing one sport that still took up the entire weekend. Ugh! SS seems to like it though so whatever. Although he keeps moving his arm and it's cracking like crazy! It's only a matter of time before he starts having issues. He's 10. He shouldn't be playing 16 hours of baseball a week. But, whatever. He's not my kid. 

JRI's picture

My impression is that once she was aware of you, she started doing this over-scheduling to fill up DH's time with his "real family" (cough cough) obligations.  It has the secondary goal of keeping the kids away from you.

Don't you wish she'd get a nice new hot boyfriend to occupy her time?

Biostep7777's picture

That's exactly what happened. She has this thing that my kids will take away from her kids. She even screamed at me once that "her kids won't miss out on anything because of mine" So, she makes sure she takes up as much of DH's time and money as she can to make sure that happens. Which I don't even know what that means. Nobody cares if the kids play sports and my kids don't "take" anything away from the other kids. Like, what is she even talking about? She's constantly CONSTANTLY asking for him to agree to more and more and more  and if DH says no then he's an "unsupportive father" and she tells the kids he's the reason they can't do what they discussed (before she even mentions it to DH)  if she had her way we would be paying hundreds of dollars on top of child support per month for all sorts of things. It's obnoxious! 3 more years and at least the oldest will be off to college. Ugh! I hate thinking that way but to not have to deal with her on a regular basis is going to be amazing! 

tog redux's picture

Do nothing and let him decide whether he goes. Otherwise you will have to deal with him, since DH will be gone, and SS may realize it's better to go than deal with an angry BM when he gets back to her house.  DH has already given him permission not to go, there's nothing more to be done.

Not your monkey, not your circus.

Biostep7777's picture

Yeah I agree. I do feel bad for him though and wondering if there was a solution. DH said the same thing. He can decide. Yes, actually initially I told DH that SS had to go with him because I was not going to be responsible for him the whole time. However, we worked out a plan. If SS stays, he is on his own. I do not need to alter anything. He's 15 and stays alone at BM's house the entire time they are at younger SS's sports. Also, he told SS if he needs anything to call him directly. SS keeps to himself mostly and just does his own thing so it's been fine. Which, is exactly why BM has been pulling this new stunt the last couple of weeks. The thought of him being here, with us and being happy?? Ohhhh hell no! That hurts her fragile ego way too much. How dare him do that to her. Because we all know that's what this is all about. He's fine! He likes being here instead. He goes for walks, hangs out with friends, cooks (I cook with him sometimes) bike rides, plays his video games. Why is that an issue for her? Why must he go sit a games for 6 hours instead? Why is that what's best for him? Yeah. It's so obvious this is about HER. She thinks we do not see right through her? Lol! 

Rags's picture

I don't see a problem in mandatory participation in family activities. Even attending a sib's sports events.

That said, there is no need for him to sit there are be miserable. He can go for a run, engage with the elder sibs of other kids who play on his brother's teams, or.... he can bring a good book to read while the family is present for the kid participating in sports.

Though we always benefited from an intact family, mom and dad will celebrate their 59th anniversary in a couple of months, and we pretty much all supported and enjoyed the sports of who ever was participating, it was also okay for my brother(s) and I to enjoy behaving the ages we were and when I was the one on the field, my younger brother(s) were in the playground with other young kids, nursing, etc... as was appropriate for their ages.  As I got older and they were the ones in sports, I was there cheering... in between crushing on the elder sisters of their team mates or goofing off with the elder brothers of their team mates I cheered on my younger sib(s).

That said, a toxic X cannot be tolerated to manipulate or pollute a new family/marriage and has to be met with zero tolerance, full confrontation, and with as much misery as can be brought to bear.  

If that toxic opposition parent is using sports as an invasive method of over scheduling... then that parent has to be forced to be the one to deal with that choice and  deal with pissed off coaches and their kid's team mate's parents.  On your side of the fence, the Skids need the message that their mother cannot stipulate what the kids will do on Dad's time and they need to be continually seasoned with that fact and with the message that their BM will not be allowed to be toxic, manipulative, or invasive.

Lather... rinse... repeat.

Biostep7777's picture

It's only mandatory during dad's time. Never on her time. That's the issue. Siblings going to sporting events? Sure! Siblings going to sporting events based on mom's manipulation. Nope 

Rags's picture

An X should never to allowed to interfere in the life of you and your mate or interfere in a kid's time with the other parent.

Period.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

That does sound like manipulation from BM and a form of control. I wouldn't use that example with the kid since I wouldnt want the kid to feel pulled in two directions, but in general I'd make it a habit to empower the kid in my own home to make his own decisions and exercise his agency. He sounds like a really good kid. It won't be long until he sees BM for who she is and starts to make his own decisions. 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Your DH is in the court process, right? One thing he may want to consider is to ask for an order that the parents cannot attend extracurriculars on the others time unless it is an end of season award ceremony, parents night or playoff (something special). 

This applies to both parents so he doesn't get to go when the kids are with her, she can't come when the kids are with him. Our lawyer told us this is a common ask in high conflict cases (and we have this order). It keeps the kids from having any kind of loyalty conflict while they're participating in their events, they don't have to deal with mom and dad being around each other, and it would stop your other SS from feeling obligated to attend.

DH never went to sports on BM's time but she was there at every single one on our time and the kids would just ignore us. Also, a football stadium isn't big enough, neither DH or me want to be within 100 yards of that psycho. Since the order went in she also has barely signed them up for any extracurriculars. Though there are a few other reasons for that, I'm sure the fact that she can't attend every single one plays a part.

Rags's picture

Building an ever tightening box around the toxic opposition is a great strategy for continually mitigating their crap and to get them under control.  You did just that by adding this board to the contain BM box.

 

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