Today's Revelation
Forums:
Today I came to the realization that the reason my DH (and maybe yours too!) won't change is because he doesn't WANT to change! My DH text me from work today & said he & the guys were talking about their relationships & their different situations & he said he loves his situation.. I asked what he meant.. he said he couldn't ask for a better wife/kid/family. My jaw just about dropped. Granted, I do everything for him so I am not surprised he couldn't ask for a better wife. But our situation truly, truly SUCKS (guilty dad + SD = enough said). I could think of MANY ways he could be a better husband, but he couldn't ask for a better wife.. well no WONDER he doesn't make any attempt to change! He LOVES his life just the way it is! :?
I've been trying for so long
I've been trying for so long to get him to change his ways (our main issue is that he is a "guilty dad" or "disney dad" which makes me dread having SD over every other week & of course the fact that he refuses to get a real job). I try to talk to him about it all the time, but he will just blow me off saying he doesn't want to talk about it or will ignore me. I have even tried counseling, which obviously did not work. I am just so fed up with the situation & him saying he couldn't ask for a better wife- even though it sounds nice- it just made me sick!! I have even come right out & told him I am not happy & he STILL won't do anything to help/change the situation!
Pretty much. I don't know how
Pretty much. I don't know how I got myself into such a situation. Every morning I wake up & wish I could go back in time & pick a man with a career & no child.
DH here works when he feels
DH here works when he feels like it too, he runs his own business. We do not have a ton of money but we do not go without stuff iether. If I get disgruntled with something the first place I look is inside of me, like what else is pissing me off? What can I do about it? Once I know I have done all that I can do then I let it be. Sometimes the more you try to control others the more defiant they get...let them be! Let them undo their own selves. Imagine someone trying to make you change your ways? You'd kick back, right?
Time really does help, the only thing DH and I fought about was how the kids should be raised. I quit banging my head against a brick wall and just let them get on with it. If stuff impacts me directly then I speak out, I used to wonder what in hell I was doing here on occasions but the bottom line is I love them and I chose this.
Every now and again I need to vent feelings and the fantastic folks on here listen to me without judging me. It is now 8 years on for us here, we've both been to hell and back with SKids and he's realizing stuff now that he denied back then.
OH! Helpful hint...later these guys develop selective memories so it's absolutely pointless keeping your own negative memories fresh.
Start being more devious, plant the seeds of ideas that you believe are best for everyone and watch them flourish and grow inside his mind. That scalp massage you gave him? That was nourishing the seeds you planted! The foot massage, so he has fresh feet for new terrain. The back massage, that's for his new spine...you get the picture...right??
For me it's 18 year old
For me it's 18 year old SKids, boomerangs! SS came back a month or so ago. No money, no GED, no job, a truck that needs work done to it, he got into community college with a promise of getting GED, fell out with that plan and has been laying on various folks for over a year now. Each time they ask him for rent or contributions he vamooses with some bullshit reason/justification and moves on to the next victim...he's currently buttering up his older sister and creating a new exit plan since DH is not meeting ALL of his expectations.
I do not know what to tell the boy! Shape up or ship out buddy.
DH has never issued a consequence to them or given them chores, EVER! I quit with stressing over that, I gave them stuff to do and DH did it with or for them. I am EVIL (wicked grin) and the source of all their ails...one day they will have to take some responsibility for themselves though. Meanwhile, have it it kiddos!
He's not going to change
He's not going to change either. Either you put an end to what is bothering you or ..... carry on.
You are in control of your life.
He wont change anything until
He wont change anything until what he is doing makes him uncomfortable. You have to not make it so cozy for him.
Christinen, is he not wanting
Christinen, is he not wanting a real job so he can look after SD every second week and doesn't need to organise care for the 'poor child" ?????Just wondering as my SO when I met him at the very beginning was working less hours because he wanted to be a "parent" as he said , eg be there for SDs sports events etc.....I was like WOW!Is that for real?Especially since BM and her partner plus extended family were around for her, too.
oncechoosetosmile- SD is in
oncechoosetosmile- SD is in preschool so DH has all day during the week to work, BUT yes, he will not work nights/weekends because he wants to spend all his time with her so that has a huge impact on the jobs that are available to him. It's just extremely frustrating because I just finished my Master's degree and have a career of my own but it's like no matter what I do, it's not ever going to be enough if he does nothing and besides that, it's just not fair! I work very hard and he is just LAZY! }:)
Sounds like you're being a
Sounds like you're being a "Disney wife" to this Disney dad and enabling his laziness. Stop spoiling him or it will never change. Just my humble opinion, of course.
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your revelation. The details of my situation are different than yours, of course, but it all boils down to the same thing. My SO is happy with how things are. I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but he just won't see the urgency for change that I do. It sounds so obvious now that you mention it, but it's a revelation for me too.
Phew me too, if only I could
Phew me too, if only I could see into the future, my Bf just dos'nt parent at all, I mean he takes proper care of her, but he dos'nt teach her manners or expect them, he runs arround like a servent, if I complain, Im being unreasonable or too hard, if I had seen what things would be like, I would have finished with him and found someone else.