I want my SD10 to live with her mom.

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I never imagined I could dislike a child so very much. I truly can't abide my sd very much at all. Here's a little back,history: 3 years ago, I met my DH and we began dating. I had been divorced with a BS (now 11), and I met DH's daughter. No biggies, we all had fun and enjoyed spending time together until she starts crying to us after a few months that her mom does drugs and all kinds of things you don't expect to hear from a small child. She wanted to live with us. We debated what to do as we were still fairly new, and DH decided he would see what could be done as they were going through their divorce. Then all of the sudden...BAM!...DHS calls him and informs him that he needs to come get his daughter, that her mom went to jail. Full custody was awarded him with no issues. Great. And then they both move in. From that moment on, everything changed. She would lie about even the littlest things, break things, kick my mentally challenged Chihuahua who has never barked or been mean a day in her sweet life, and cry ALL THE TIME about how mean I was to her!!! My BS and I were in shock! I talked to DH about it all and we decided to set up cameras so he, would see what we were talking about. He was floored. He now pretty much always sides with me when she does stupid or mean things, but through all of this, what gets me, is that I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE HER FEEL LOVED AND WANTED BUT SHE COULDN'T CARE LESS! I showed her how to cook, played dolls, let her do my makeup, hair, painting nails, family game night, had her dad make special nights each month for daddy/daughter date night, I've kissed booboos, paid for her to do Soccer, read bedtime stories...anything I could think of, because BM did none of that. And she would piss in her bed, on my couch and loveseat, steal things of Mine, write on her walls how much she wants to go back to her mom's...and now DH and I finally got married (besides SD life is great! BS loves his step dad as do I!). Bit with SD It keeps getting worse and worse. DH wants to have a baby, and I'm all for it, as is BS. SD had a fit of epic proportion s and broke her bedroom door slamming it so hard! We weren't planning on saying anything till we had talked to a Dr about possibly conceiving, but she was eavesdropping at our bedroom door and lost her shit! Truthfully, I now want her out of our house. Not our lives, but just our house. I'm afraid she would injure a baby intentionally. Hell, im afraid shes going to injure me or my son if she cant have her mom and dad back together again. This kid is scary crazy! What to do?!?!?!?!

She may end up in a

She may end up in a residential facility at this rate anyway. Her behavior is over the top for a 10 year old. I would insist on a psychiatric evaluation on her. I assume these problems continue at school.

She has made your house unsafe for babies and small animals. You are beginning to fear even for yourself and your child who is older than she is. None of this is normal. She needs professional help for her rage and possibly for underlying pathologies. You cannot do this by yourself and neither can your dh.

As far as her school goes,

As far as her school goes, it's like she can turn it on and off. She has friends, does great in school, even has all A's & B's! Okay, I too think she needs help, so how do I go about broaching the subject to DH?

Ok yeah sure, get her

Ok yeah sure, get her evaluated... but I see something else here.

She can turn it on and off.
She functions normally in school.
Cameras were needed to get DH to "side" with SM.

I'm guessing that for some time, this behavior was in essence rewarded by DH. SKid would pitch a fit and lie and DH would side with her over SM. It is a very appealing power play to a child.

I think part of this is your DH needs to put his foot up her a** and tell her this shit is not to be tolerated. Fit over an "ours" baby? SKid needs to be told straight up that they get no say in any such choices, that is a choice for DH and SM alone. Period. No explanations and no hearing out her feeeeeeeeelings.

She sounds like a kid who needs some clear and firm boundaries, and would get some serious stress relief from having some heavy matters taken off her shoulders.

I did tell him that initially

I did tell him that initially when we first got her here, but DH said she was only a little girl, and things would settle down. Apparently, she has been peeing the bed for a number of years, so he just thinks she can't help it. When he confronted her about all the other things, she just bawled and flung herself in his arms saying she didn't do any of that, and that me and my BS are trying to make DH hate her! Oh, he will side with me, but it's reluctantly. I think he just can't face that his little girl is bat shit crazy like her mom. Her mom is bipolar...could she be too?

Me and my son are still here

Me and my son are still here because it's OUR HOUSE THEY MOVED INTO. Of course, I look out for my son the most! I never leave him alone with her, nor do I let her touch my dog anymore. Anyways, I'm wondering why she can't stand to see us hold hands (if holding hands in the grocery store, she will slowly push between us till I end up walking behind DH and SD.) When she sees her mom, she lies and tells her I've said horrible things about BM. She even told DHs mom that I was abusing her! I've never ever ever done that!!! That caused a minor war between his mom and me and DH, and DH got furious at mom, and now SD has lost all access to her grandma. Exactly what SD didn't want. Is it bad that I kind of want to put SD in her place and thwart her every shot?

I've done a lot of

I've done a lot of researching bipolar in children, and SD just doesn't have what it says. I truly think she is just being overly vindictive, and manipulative. But in case I'm wrong, I still agree we should have her checked out. I didn't sign on to raise a kid that has such serious psychological and dangerous issues. Is it unfair for me to tell DH she can't live here anymore?

Fair is a funny word.... Is

Fair is a funny word....

Is it fair to insist that a father can't live with his child? Maybe, not.

Is it fair that you live in hell? Definitely, not.

This is the step-hell impasse... So, it comes down to you, really. Are you that invested in your marriage that you are willing to live in this situation forever? Maybe you are, and that's okay. You just need to be honest with yourself. This situation with this kid is probably not going to improve. You cannot change other people's behavior. You can only modify your interpretation of other people's behavior, and your subsequent reactions. You are the monkey in the middle, and only you can decide what's going to happen next. So if you know in your heart of hearts that you can't live with this kid, then you need to tell your DH that very truth. You then need to be prepared for the outcome of that conversation.

Terrible situation... I hope things work out for you.

It sounds like lots of things

It sounds like lots of things are wrong here....

You've got a kid with a boat load of problems, her mother gets ripped out from her life and ends up in jail.. this kid needs help, professional help.

You can go tit for tat with this kid and try to put her in her place, but sounds like you've been trying to do that and she just ramps up the drama in return. Unless her father steps up, nothing will change, and like sooo many others here, he's likely at the root of most of the problems.

Whatever happens, my 2 cents is that for all that is holy, do not bring a baby into this disastrous mess.

If we give her what she

If we give her what she wants, and send her back to her mom...I think that might at least be a start. She wouldn't have her dad on a daily basis anymore, and no way to control our lives, and her BM can handle her crazy kid and get her some help! He wants a baby so much, so I may possibly tell him that I won't considered it until we get her evaluated, medicated, and moved back to BMs house.

I guess I thought the BM was

I guess I thought the BM was still in jail....

If she's not, and she wants to go back to live with BM, I'd be packing up her stuff as we speak.

If mom is unfit, then her

If mom is unfit, then her moving back there isn't what is best for the kid. Dad has to man up and take care of his child.

CPS pulled her from the home for a reason. The believe she is better off with her dad than with her mom. Telling him that you will only have a child with him if he sends his SD to live with a mom who you both know is unfit, is wrong.

If he won't get her the help she needs and parent her properly, then maybe he should move out.

So, I end up losing anyway. I

So, I end up losing anyway. I lose my loving husband, my son loses his only father figure, and I let the brat win?! I think she should be put in a mental help facility if not with mom, and he can go visit her there. OMG, I swear to God, she just dropped a large glass candle on our stairs and let it shatter, and is now crying & saying my tiny dog did it. Just how did she reach up onto the coffee table, pick it up, carry it to the stairs and fling it?! She's A DOG..I'm so done.

Why are you in a

Why are you in a power-struggle with a child? Definitely do not breed while in this situation since you will be bringing a baby into a situation which your BS shouldn't even be in!

I don't care what fantasy you have in your head about what a great "role-model" your DH is for our BS. He is not. He is not caring for his BD appropriately --- getting her the help she needs from professionals/hospitals. And he is not protecting the innocents in his household.

Why is your son more

Why is your son more deserving of having this man in his life than his own daughter?

Honestly, this shouldn't be about what makes you and your son happy. This is about what is in the best interest of his child. Putting her in a mental health facility or sending to live with an unfit mother so that he can play daddy to his stepson is sick.

She is his responsibility, not your son. Where is your son's dad?

I am putting my foot down

I am putting my foot down this evening. Come Monday morning, he either find her a Dr and gets her some help or they both go. I can't keep making me and my son live like this. I have AFib, and all this stress is going to give me a stroke.

His dad passed away when he

His dad passed away when he was little, and Yes, we are both entitled to a loving husband and a loving stepfather. Others are right, I don't want her to have to live with her uncabable mom, but this child needs more help than we can give.

Wicked, I agree with

Wicked,

I agree with everything you've written except that Drs. can, and do, diagnose children as bipolar. Unfortunately, or fortunately, some of these adult diagnoses have also become child diagnoses.

My friends' son was

My friends' son was institutionalized at age 7. He stayed for weeks. He came back home for awhile, then it was back to residential. It has gone on for years. If they are old enough to run around and cause harm, yes, they can be institutionalized.

Your son isn't entitled to a

Your son isn't entitled to a loving stepfather. That line of thinking goes against everything that is posted here. Many dads think their wives should love their kids. That isn't so. Kids are not entitled to love from their stepdads or stepmoms.

But at the same time, would

But at the same time, would you want your child living with someone who didn't at least care about him/her?

My son's dad died of cancer

My son's dad died of cancer when he was a toddler. Other than me, his stepdad is the only dad He's ever had.

Yes, it would be a shame for

Yes, it would be a shame for your son to have to go through the loss of another caring adult in his life. Kids can be pretty resilient though, and you have to weigh your options. If your SD doesn't get any better and continues to live with you, there may be more long-term damage.

It's a shitty situation on both ends. I would probably have to go with the DH and SD moving out advice. You can always try living together again at a later time.

Good luck. I hope the girl gets the help she needs and you and your son can live peacefully.

Thank you all for your advice

Thank you all for your advice and help. I truly appreciate it. Deep down, I really do want what's best for her, and truly do wish we could be a loving Happy family. I'm just so hurt and confused and at my wits end. What gets me is that it started out so great...and then it all seemed to go to hell in a handbasket. I've needed to vent for a long time now, so maybe this will clear my head some so I can calmly talk with DH about getting her some help. A therapist, or a psychologist, or something. If I can get her some help, Maybe we can still have a Happy loving family. Right???

Yes. I have 3 skids in

Yes. I have 3 skids in therapy on a regular basis. They are 7, 8 & 17.
Things were not all peaches and cream at first but it is working out now.
I hope she can get the help she needs. The place we go to, the first appointment is a psychologist evaluation so they can be placed with the right therapist and discuss possible meds if needed.

I almost gave up before DH and I married but I'm extremely glad I didn't.
Good Luck

Thank you all for your advice

Didn't mean to double post.

Didn't mean to double post. Sorry.

Oh Thank God, there hope! Thank you! I will start with that, and insist we do something to help not only her, but ALL of us cope with things.

I went through the same thing

I went through the same thing involving SS14 now 15 nearly 16 and I can honesty say BM did us a favour by putting a restraining order on my SS and now he is calmer, has structure, is responsible and is trying. He lives with us FT and over the years has improved. He too sounded like your SD and my theory is because they can't handle the emotional fallout from their manipulative probably disordered mothers and over react emotionally and behave badly... Resulting in the SS or SD over reacting and not knowing how to handle their fractious emotions. What helped is my now husband ( married last weekend) being VERY firm and strict and gave him no wriggle room in exerting any power of his own which he tried to do which was just like his BM would do and clearly he learnt how to do from her. He nipped any shitty behaviour in the bud and gave him immediate consequences as well as had him seeing professionals. This kid tried numerous times to over dose ( due to manipluations from BM) and now he is a happy teenage boy.

Your BF needs to be strong and to start riding her back and modifying her behaviur. Will it be hard work? Fuck yes and it's taken nearly 2 years to start seeing any change in his behaviour. What fundamentally helped him is knowing that his father wouldn't ever leave him despite being a shit to him ( and SS knew he was pushing everyone's buttons and BM abandoned him but his father stuck by him) powerful stuff. Kids push to see if their parents abandon them. The shit parent who are weak do... The strong authentic ones who are there for the long haul stick around and do the hard yards and actually parent their kid.

It's really on your boy friends shoulders. Sending her back to her mother wil only continue the " I feel abandoned " cycle which just draws out the time needed to get your SD back on track. She is only 10.. Plenty of time to " fix" things and out structures in place.

You are here

I want my SD10 to live with her mom.