Everyone is awkward

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So in the beginning, the relationship of my stepson’s mother and I was a little rocky but I feel like we are at least civil now or at a generally ok point. At least, I feel that way because she hasn't shown me otherwise that we are on bad terms. We have talked one on one and express the same amount of care for her son.

This past year my husband and I have tried to do things all together with her and her husband so that we can all be there to share special things like Halloween or a school event. We enjoy being apart of those things as his son lives mainly with his mother. The only issue I have is that I can see that our son feels awkward. I can see that when we show up he feels that he doesn't know who to choose to walk with or stand by. We are all very awkward in that sense, which is probably why he feels that way. How do we break that tension? I feel like when we are all together no one wants to initiate conversation or anything. Its very weird because I would like to talk and have that but it feels like no one else wants that.

Is this something we should bring up to them? Something I should just initiate on my own? What if that doesn't work? Or maybe the relationship between his mother and I is ruined based off of how things started?

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Sarah

How did things start?

It's not your responsibility to communicate or build a relationship with them. Some people can get along with the exes, but your SS's behavior tells me he's in a loyalty bind because of something he's seen between the adults (the awkward tension) or because his mom is telling him negative things about you and your DH.

I would stop trying to pretend y'all are one big family if all it causes is tension and makes the kid uncomfortable.

We attended plenty of school events and sat by ourselves, away from bm.

Yes, I agree. First off, OP -

Yes, I agree. First off, OP - there's no "our son" here, except between BM and DH. Seeing yourself as somehow providing the "same care" for SS as his mother (who he lives with the majority of time) is a distortion.

Just go to events, be kind and civil to BM and her husband when you need to be. No one has to sit together or be pals, we went to lots of events and never spoke to BM.

And all your DH can do (not you), is tell his son that he, DH, will not get upset with SS for where he decides to sit or who he talks to (unless he's rude).

I'm guessing BM is not as friendly as you think she is or want her to be.

When I first started dating

When I first started dating my DH there was a lot of unecessary comments and assumptions that she would make about me and I just defended myself. No huge fights or anything.

We try to do these things bc since then she has expressed that she wants us all to get along and even brought up how her DH’s BM and her text each other “all the time”. So it seemed like she implied thats where she wanted us all to be. Also, shes the one who suggests we all go to these events together.

I think some may have digested the “my son” comment more than intended. I only said that for the use of the sentence, as he is my DH’s son and my SS. In no way, do I try to take his BM or DH role.

It doesn't sound like "doing

It doesn't sound like "doing things all together" is working, and is creating more stress and tension than is necessary. If conversation is not happening naturally, there's no reason to try to force this fake "friendship", it's just not meant to be. Stop sitting with them at events.

The kid's parents are divorced, so that means his time is split between the two. That's just the way it is.

If you feel the tension,

If you feel the tension, everyone probably feels the tension. And no, you're not responsible for making everything normal, but it sure would be better for all if you could make it a little more normal. Make this your rule: treat them the way you would any casual acquaintance.

Talk about the weather. Or talk about how great SS did in the game or concert. The more you all talk about little things with no controversy attached, the easier it will become for all of you and SS. They will see you're trying and might be grateful for someone to break the awkward silence. And I think talking about their kid is the best way to melt a chilly atmosphere as long as its complimentary and supportive.

When SS walks over and sees you're already chatting, that will probably put his mind a little at ease.

I imagine how hard the loyalty piece is for skids, even in the best situations. You're adults and you don't know how to handle the situation. Imagine how SS feels...ugh.

The more natural you can make the interaction, the less awkward it will be for SS. You don't have to be best friends, but just treat them the way you would another parent at the event. If you talk about the weather and they just stare at you, then you know there's nothing more you can do. But maybe you can bring them around if they're willing. Be yourself and (as the counselors say) fake it until you make it.

I really am not a fan of

I really am not a fan of enmeshing all the families together. Alternate events.. alternate holidays.. let each parent have quality time.. and he is not your son.. maybe that is part of the awkwardness and tension?

Go to the same events? don't sit together.. say hello and go your separate ways.

Thanks for the input, I agree

Thanks for the input, I agree, I’m not sure that doing things all together is working. Feels forced. The BM has expressed from the beginning that she wants to have more of a close relationship, whatever that may mean to her. Should have mentioned that she is the one who invites us to these things as me and my DH prefer to do things separately. In the past we have rejected birthday invites from her and try to keep personal things separate. Maybe that is why it is awkward.

Also, the “my son” comment was not intended to be that way. Only said it for the use of the sentence, as he is my DH’s son & my SS. Take a breather!

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