I am in the same boat. My step daughter is 8 1/2. Things have gotten so bad with her and her Mother in the past that I have pondered leaving my husband. But the reality is I just couldn't do that to him. He doesn't deserve it. He is a wonderful Father, a loving husband, and a smart, hard working man. We don't have too much longer to endure with our step children...we can do it!!!!!!!! I too want a child of my own with my husband and I think that will change things a lot! I think I will have more of an understanding of where he comes from and how it feels to be a parent.

So far we've made it. We have been together for 8 years. Sd was 10 and SS was 15. They are both on their own, or at least they are not depending on us for anything. SS was a breeze; Sd very intense and with a mean streak that is to be reckoned with. \
It's a challenging family life for sure. The rewards are few but quite special.
If BM is not a nightmare and SO is not a guilty daddy and you BOTH care about one another's feelings, including the love the bio parent has for the kids....then you have a pretty good chance. Some stepmoms here have made it, even without the above and my hat is off to you ladies..

My SS is 19 and no longer lives at home. Well, he doesn't live with me and DH although I've heard through other family members that he recently moved back home with BM. DH and I wouldn't know because SS hasn't called to talk in almost 2 months now.

I don't think mine is a success story, but I did survive 17 years as a SM.
DH and I have 2 bios together and are raising an in-tact family. Occassionally, when SS needs help or money, he will come to visit or give us a call. Otherwise, I just remind my bios once in a while that they also have a big brother who we don't get to see much.

We have been together for 12 years, married for 10.

DS21 is out on his own and has been for a few years.

SD18 is a single mom, out on her own and PASed out by PB (BM)
SS17 is a Jr in HS and his visitation is sporadic

LUCKILY enough, we don't have to deal with PB too much anymore. THAT would have been what killed OUR marriage.

DH and I have been together 14 years and married for 10.
Up until 2 months ago I really didn't think we were going to make it.
I totally disengaged from my Sd(now 21) almost 4 years ago.I do not see her or talk to her nor is she welcome in my home when I am here.
Her father has an active role in her life. They talk almost every day and he sees her and her two children (aged 3 and 2)weekly (they live almost an hour away). I have meet the children several times and of course they are sweet little babies and I certainly do not hold their mother against them. I also refuse to be a babysitter so my DH knows that he is on his own if he decides to babysit for her. My BD17 has a very close relationship with SD but my BS19 not so much (he had his own nightmare dealings with her).
I loved my DH so very much for years but the step-family situation took its toll and I ended up with very little respect for him and a ton of resentment. So I had firmly put my boundries up and my DH, in his infinite wisdom, respects those boundries.
It took me until now (4 yrs later) to finally be able to let go of most of the resentment that has been ripping me apart for so long...DH has had counseling, I have had counseling, we have had counseling over the last 6-7 years.
I can finally say that I feel safe and secure within my marriage. I love him very much and he is my best friend but I would never, ever do this to myself again

oh darling, i hear you..i remember nights like that myself. i read the stories of the other step moms who "made it" and they made me feel hopeful las well. im a little ahead of you in the sense that my SD is 12 and i already starting disengaging a couple of months ago...it feels like im at the beginning of the solution while 3 or 4 months ago i felt like i was drawning in the problem and i was feeling depressed, confused and lonely. today is is not ideal and continues to be challenging but the roles of hte adults have shifted and i can see some tiny light at the end of the tunnel. igot my husband back because he is notw acting like an adult and taking care of stuff, we also figured out that we needed more time and space for the couple instead of being parents all the time, AND he is in charge of EVERYTHING for his daughter...i mean everything. if he needs a favor (picking her up from somewhere) i ll do it but it is not longer my responsibility by default. this change is helping my marriage, let's see if hte marraigne is solid enough to survive the teen years coming up...

I wish I only had 11 more years to go - try 16! A true feat!

yes, talking about it REALLY helps. once you atart talking and listening other stories you realized that we are all people trying to do the best we can, you also realized that you are not evil, a bad person for feeling the way you do. it is normal, these are not our children, the usually have deep rooted issues, they ususally have absent parents and they usually use you as a scape goat...now, THAT sounds to me like soemthing to be worried and depressed about. dont beat yourself over it. if you have a great partner and you have your head screwd in right, you have goo chances...but pleases remember that once the kids have theri basic needs covered (clothing, food, health insurance, education..all the basics) therre is not a whole lot more You can do as a step parent..the rest (all the emotional wellbeing, the contention ,the chats ,the cheering up, etc) that is the role of the bio parent...did you read the great article about disengaging? it will help..go to steptogether.org and go to resources...therer is an article there about disengaging that helped me so much!!!!!!!! stay in touch

I have spent the past 4 years thinking "she will be 18 soon", but as it turns out, she has been effing off at school, and even though she SHOULD be going away to college in September, she is still in 8th grade at almost 18.

(grr, Christian school lets em work at their own pace)

So, my sentence just got longer. Miss Snitchy can still tattle on all of us for a few more years, or maybe FOREVER.

I have an aunt who made it!! She married my uncle when his kids were about 4 & 6. (The kids are now 38 & 40). She went through all the same crap we are going through, and her and I talk about it all the time now, since I can totally relate to her. My uncle was a total "disney dad"-never wanting to discipline and feeling guilty all the time. She stuck it out (and the kids hated her through most of it), but now they are long gone and her and my uncle are totally happy.

I don't know if there is even the slightest chance that I will make it that long, but...in some situations, the marriage can survive. Of course, the stepmom always goes through hell in the process. I guess it depends on whether or not you are willing to put up w/the BS for that long.

Mindygirl1 is correct.....they do not go away. We just got SS24 out of our house, for the 3rd time in 2 years! It's a never-ending, vicious cycle with this guy. He's mooching off his gf now. At least until she tires of it and she will. They all eventually do. DH can't "just let him live on the streets". WTF? Why not? LOL!

My SD is 21, still comes over every other weekend, sits on her dads lap, wants money for gas, college, her cat, etc. Sleeps on the couch all day. They don't go away. They never go away. Think of it this way - if it were your child would you think that after they hit 18 they would be gone and leave you alone. My daughter who is 16 tells me she's not moving out till after college.....

I think most people that “made it” were married in the 70s when things were different. With today’s permissive, child-first parenting, there are very few blended families that are going to survive.

At least in my case, SD15 has told her dad over and over again that she can’t wait until she’s 18 so she can never see him again and he’ll be out of her life forever. I completely believe her so as long as DH will accept her decision and walk away, I’ll never have to deal with her again in 911 days.

I am of that older generation who married in the 70s. I've seen many who have made it.

But I have only been with dh a couple of years. I'm still not sure we are going to make it and his are 24 and 34.

The one who is 34 (ex con gang member) is terminally ill so is really out of the picture. Fled the state on horrible violent charges.

The 24 year old is the problem. I know dh loves him very much, but I have no use for him. I don't care if he drops dead. I know that makes me sound awful (okay I am awful), but I just don't have a place in my life for a homeless druggie even if he is kind of sweet. I did not produce him. He's the result of a ONS between DH and BM years after their divorce. I hate that he even exists. He is evidence that BM and DH could not keep their f((&ing hands off each other. Who needs to see proof of that in their life? In my opinion BM is a f*^*ing whore who cannot keep her legs together or bother to use birth control. DH hates that and will defend her.

I hate it when they defend the very b!tches who wrecked their lives! Makes no sense to me. My DH's ex couldn't keep her fat thighs shut, either.

Raising a hand for my own parents on this one - my father and SM have been together for a long time, then they adopted my younger sister and now they're raising my nephews. If they can do it, especially after all the personal heartbreak and life-changing decisions they've made over the years, then I think many of us can. I asked them how they did it (since I'm starting out with a ss) and they said "love, honesty, forgiveness and a whole lot of patience". Good luck!