Absolutely Heartbroken
Ok, I'm sitting here at work and can't concentrate.. need advice - non biased, non hateful true from the heart advice.
I'm a stepmom to two SS's (12 & 14) who pretty much wish I were dead. Their dad does things right (hasn't always, but he's human and no one gives you a handbook on how to handle these things) with regards to enforcing rules of the house and not letting them be disrespectful, entitled little brats.. even though they are to the core. Truthfully, I don't like them either - lord knows I try to see the good in them, but I'm not their bioparent, therefore that "unconditional love and forgiveness" bond isn't there.. You can't force it either. Their yelling, complaining, talking back, disrespect, give me this, give me that, everything isn't good enough ways are constant.. fights and arguements are daily.
How can I possibly grow to love that unconditionally? I'm not saying I hate them.. I just don't like how they act or treat their father or each other. How can you possibly feel all warm and fuzzy towards two people that treat their own father, who you love dearly, like crap?
Now, I'm not disengaged.. I do all the mom stuff for them, help with homework, projects, go to their games, take them to the doctor, etc.. I don't hand out punishments (but oh do I want to), however, I do tell them things like "put your dishes in the dishwasher, pick up your smelly socks, etc." because I do live there and I have some skin in this game too. I have a daughter who is 10 and she loves them and her stepfather dearly.. she is the polar opposite of these kids, so I know my expectations of them are not unreasonable - she is just a product of good consistent parenting - they are not.
Anyways.. their biomom hates me. It's fine - she is crazy as a shithouse rat. She and her sociopath husband have always lived in the same community as us - so 50/50 shared parenting is our way of life. It has it's ups and downs, but the kids get to see their parents equal amounts of time and that is important.
Last week, she hits us with "we have put an offer on a house" - it's an hour away and in another freaking state! And before she told DH, she already talked to the kids and told them all about her dream house - oh, and that they have a say in where they want to live since the 50/50 plan is now off the table.. Here's the bombshell.. the kids told her "we will not live full time ______ (insert my name here)" So, that means, they would live with him if it weren't for me.. lovely. I'm the reason he is going to lose his kids full time when they move.
How in the hell am I supposed to deal with that burden? First, knowing 100% for sure (as if their daily actions don't show it enough) that they don't want me in their lives and second, if he does lose his kids, it's my fault?
I don't want to lose them to BM and Sociopath. Those kids will be so screwed if she has them full time. Their father is the only one who provides structure, rules and cares to have them in any type of extra cirricular activities..
Part of me can't do this.. can't sit here and be the cause of pain for my DH.. How could I make him choose his relationship with me or his kids because clearly, he can't have both?
It's not your fault! Get that
It's not your fault! Get that out of your head right now.
BM did the exact same damn thing to us when SD was 11. Moved an hour away for no reason (she doesn't work and her husband's job remained in our town). Before that she lived 6 miles away and custody was 50/50. I told DH he had to decide if he wanted to be the parent or the fun one, i.e. parent who kids live with primarily or fun one who kids see on weekends. He eventually chose parent, and we put together a plan that gave DH primary custody but BM regular visitation. DH would have SD during the week and one weekend a month and BM would have her the other weekends. BM would get half of all vacations and school holidays.
We did that for four years, before SD decided the grass was greener and asked to live with BM. DH decided not to fight it, and SD has lived with BM ever since and is 20 now.
Whatever happens, it is not your fault, responsibility, anything. Just support your DH as much as you can without getting run over.
That's it exactly: We
That's it exactly: We represent a structured family with rules and expectations (not a bootcamp, nor unreasonable).. She is the opposite and goes out every weekend to "nuture her marriage".. SS12's exact words "we love it when they go out - I get the run of the house".. lovely.
Skids blame me for the structure and rules. It's true to a degree. When DH had them every other weekend he was textbook disney dad. He gets that and has admitted to them "I was in no shape to be a real parent back then - I was still trying to get my own slef back on track." They moved in with me and OMG.. we had to have a talk about things.
I don't care that they hate the house rules - they can shove that opinion where the sun doesn't shine for all I care. I'm not changing my expectations to suit your spoiled selfish ways.
What I do care about is the fact that I am being blamed for them not wanting to live with their dad. That is wrong and if they truly feel that way, I can't change it, but dammit.. the rules are not just mine. I don't think they want to share their father with anyone either, so that plays into things as well. It's just their effed up way of thinking and their effed up biomom feeding and watering that toxicity to suit her needs. It's their tactic to try to manipulate their dad as well.. "maybe this will get rid of her."
In the end, they are old enough to choose where they want to live (I think). If they live with us - fine. I will deal. If they don't - oh well.
The kids dislike me. It's a
The kids dislike me. It's a fact. And they told BM that they "won't live with ___ (my name) full time"... and that's the way it will have to be - on parent gets them full time - 50/50 can't work when they are and hour away.
If they choose to live with bm it's because of their hate for me. They would live with DH if I was 6 feet under or on another planet.
I know she is the one breaking the deal, but how does that factor in when she moves and the kids choose to live with her?
DH can spend thousands of dollars to fight for them, but if they don't want to be part of this family, why should he? I guess because it's the right thing to do?
He is being nothing short of
He is being nothing short of amazing right now. He has my back 100% and I hope to god that doesn't change.
I do think he needs to sit down and "come to jesus" with them and their crap. This is the ultimate manipulation.
I would be having a party at
I would be having a party at this point. Seriously. This could be the best thing that has ever happened.
I cant imagine why you would think YOU are the reason that dh is going to lose 50/50 of the kids. As someone else said that is bm. I dont know what his kids really said or really didnt say, but these kids are going to serve their own interests. Are bm and sd more lenient? Less rules? sounds like bm has buttered them up about how great this new place is. of course, they are going to chose her in that situation. And they just USED you as a convenient scapegoat for their choice-as that way they dont really have to chose between their mom and dad-because honestly that is something no kid should be in a position to do-instead they can just put it on you.
You, are just not that important here. I dont mean that in a bad way. Im just saying that bm moving, these kids wanting to go with their bm (I think mosst kids actually would)-really is NOT about you-even if the skids want to pretend it is. If the kids really felt like they would get more benefits living with dad-I think that is where they would choose and they'd just ignore you and continue to treat you like crap.
Does your dh know what shits his kids are? If so then that IS somethign to be sad about. But maybe it's time just to accept that moving would be good for everyone-maybe they'd have less behavioral issues if you just did eowe? My ssstb15 lived with us for 7 years-things got very ugly-he moved with bm-then he visited-less than 48 eowe. He'd get here late(10pm) Friday night and leave by 10 am Sunday morning. Those couple years that we had that schedule-were the most peaceful, drama free times we've ever had with my ss in the almost 15 years I've known him.
They said they would live
They said they would live with him if I wasn't in the picture. I've known/felt this for a long time due to their words and actions - it screams "we don't want you here" daily.. now it's just confirmed. Plus, over the years I've heard my fair share of "if she wasn't here we wouldn't have a bedtime or rules or ____"..
You are right - biobitch has done her fair share of damage.. undermining me, making things up about me, etc. I am the convenient scapegoat for all that is wrong in her life.. oh, if only that were true. She has NO rules.. has let them have eminem on their ipods since age 7, watch family guy, eat whatever the hell they want, create facebook accounts with not so much as asking them for the username and password to them or their laptops, etc. I just recently discovered the 12 year old is "in a relationship" on FB and has 30 friends..most of which are adults in other states.. WTF? DH had no clue because SS12 hid it from him.. yet his mom is one of his friends.. She is the ultimate path of least resistance as far as the kids go.
Correct - they want 50/50 to continue, but if forced to choose.. they won't live in the same house as me full time (their words, not mine). They still come over and live with us full time 50% of the time.. if they hate me so much then why even do that?
DH knows what shits they can be, but he's feeling sorry for them at the moment. I do too.. this is one hell of a burden for a kid (I lived it too as a kid).. however it doesn't excuse their manipulation tactics.
They said they would live
They said they would live with him if I wasn't in the picture
And I don't believe that for a minute. It's nice to have you to blame, though.
Eh.. They really don't like
Eh.. They really don't like me. You should have seen the fit they threw when they finally knew they couldn't get rid of me (marriage).. oh lord!
And they say things like "if she wasn't here we could/would do this, that, etc." "They liked it better when their dad wasn't with me" (aka - the good old days)..
Yep, it's pretty much founded on their words and actions.
They may not like you but
They may not like you but they are still using you as an excuse.
If they have no rules or structure at their mom's, that's where they would probably want to live anyway. But they are not going to admit that, much better to say it's because of you and try to drive that wedge in between you and your DH.
You are not making your husband choose, his kids are trying to make him choose.
This is not your fault.
^^^YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
^^^YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing to do with control.
Nothing to do with control. This is hurting DH and I'm the convenient scapegoat. He's not blaming me, BM and Skids are.. I get that that don't like me - it's expected and oh well, their loss, because I am a kick ass awesome mom - just ask my daughter and all her friends..
Oh, it definitely is her
Oh, it definitely is her fault. However, she blames everyone and everything for her selfish decision. And she wonders why her kids do the same.
DH's was worded the same way,
DH's was worded the same way, BM just didn't bother to follow it. Court doesn't do anything about it. BM was supposed to provide DH with a written parenting plan a minimum of 60 days before her planned move. She didn't bother. They ended up in mediation, which also is not legally binding. Finally came to an agreement that they followed for the next four years but it had to be tweaked because BM felt that despite the fact the move was her idea and was not NEEDED, DH should provide half the transport. And guess what, the judge agreed. So DH had to drive an hour twice a week to drop SD off and pick her up. Then BM got it changed to say the person taking SD into custody had to do the driving, so DH had to drive 2 hours once a week, while BM got her DH (who still worked in our town) to pick SD up on his way home from work. So it went from equal driving to NO driving by BM and all driving by DH. Sneaky, huh?!
I feel for you! You are
I feel for you! You are being put in between a rock and a hard place, and you can't win for losing. Kids don't necessarily know what's best for them, or they would eat nothing but icecream and candy and drop out of school if they had the choice. So of course they want to live where they'll be catered to and not have any rules, responsibilities, or consequences. That is their mom's fault for basically creating that scenerio and rolling out the red carpet for them. Since your DH sounds supportive, then rejoice! That's really all you can hope for. The rest is out of your control. So just don't blame yourself--or let anyone else's blame stick to you. You do not deserve to be the scapegoat, so don't accept it!
Don't even feel guilty about
Don't even feel guilty about it for a minute...that's what they want. You to feel guilty & run for the hills because of them. They are just manipulating the situation. Just let them go. He can still be a great dad when they visit, nothing is stopping that.
My SD27 asked DH to leave me many years ago (I didn't know this until she was grown & gone). Obviously he didn't, but she wanted her dad all to herself and to have the run of the house. She also wanted her way & didn't get it. It's called being selfish and she finally learned that she couldn't always have her way.
Act happy for them. Talk
Act happy for them. Talk about all the great new experiences they will have in their new town, new school, making new friends, in a great new house. "Oh, sure, we will really miss you, but we won't stand in the way of all your happiness to come!"
Then think about all the peaceful days you will be having with your DH and BD, free of drama and conflict and wretched people making rude comments. Think of all the time you will have to simply be with the two people you really want to be with, free of their miserable presence, their hurtful remarks, "yelling, complaining, talking back, disrespect, give me this, give me that, everything isn't good enough ways". Think of the peace you will have free of arguing and fighting with them.
Blaming you for their decision is simply deflection. They may be doing it at BM's instigation, to stab the knife a little deeper into your DH, but it is NOT ABOUT YOU. Really.
They HAVEN'T made the
They HAVEN'T made the decision yet. All of this was just dropped on us this week. Kids haven't decided where they want to live and both parents say they want them. It's a cluster. The kids have said to BM - according to her - that they don't want to live with DH full time if "she is there"..
Let the girls know how
Let the girls know how THRILLED you are that they won't be around as often. That will piss them off royally!!!
Yes, she has totally tainted
Yes, she has totally tainted their view of me. She tells them all kinds of lies about me and encourages them to have no respect for me.
We really can't afford to fight this. She hasn't said she was "taking them from him" - only that she is moving and the kids have a say in where they live. DH has talked to the kids and told them, "hey, we want you here and changing the living arrangements wasn't our idea - your mom chose to move and this is all happening as a result of her choice - it sucks for everyone. We want you here, however, we aren't going to force you to live here full time if you don't want to be here."
I know it's not about me - but biobitch made it about me when she told DH the kids told her "they won't live with _____ full time" (meaning me)..
Shared parenting won't work
Shared parenting won't work if she's an hour away. We can't possibly have them 50/50 and take them to school and sports when they are that far away - and vice versa. They will have to live with one parent most of the time and do the weekends thing with the other.
Dh told them he wants them, but ultimately what's the point of fighting for them? Both parents want them and a long drawn out expensive court battle will still result in the judge asking the kids "where do you want to live and why?"
DH and I discussed all of this and basically have decided that if the kids want to live with us, we would love that (and we told them so) - however, if they don't, we aren't going to force them to live somewhere they don't want to live. With their attitudes/perception now, the last thing we want to do is force them to live with us and "keep them from their mom." (which is how she is setting it up for them if he fights her for them).. she has already set the kids up to blame DH if this goes to court.. she is such a manipulator and just pollutes these kids heads with so much BS..
you mentioned that she goes
you mentioned that she goes out all the time and likes her downtime, and her me time, i wouldnt be surprised if she makes them come stay with you and dh bc she doesnt want to deal with all the responsibility
Yes, she does. 2 softball
Yes, she does. 2 softball leagues and date night every Saturday and the kids are home alone till the wee hours of the AM.. 4 kids - BM's 2 boys (12&14) and her hubbykins kiddos (13 boy & 11 girl).. On the weeks she has them now, she is only home to cook dinner and tuck them in Sunday night, Monday night, and Friday night (if she doesn't go out that night with hubby as well)..
The skids like her being gone - they have the "run of the house" can play video games, on ipads, watch movies, etc. until their eyes fall out and their brains rot.. and eat whatever they want and stay up as late as they please.
She has already stated that she "won't fight DH for them and put them through a court battle".. meaning if push comes to shove she will give them up.
But my issue is this - as they have indicated through actions and words, if the kids don't want to live with me Full Time.. not DH.. ME.. then I don't want them around. They don't like me - I get it.
However, I love my DH and I know he loves his kids. He wants them, but is on the same page as me - if they don't want to live with US then he isn't going to force them. WE are a FAMILY and either they take it or leave it.
He has stated his case to them - "we want you to be part of this family, but won't force you to live here if you don't want to."
The kids respond with.. nothing about what they want other than they want shared parenting.. which won't work.
I guess I'm torn.. As their true feelings about our household come out it hurts. Part of me wants to say "good riddance, you ungrateful brats" and the other part of me feels sorry for them because they are children.. and this mess is not their fault.
Ugh.. it just sucks
Hats off to your DH for being
Hats off to your DH for being a MAN.. he's a keeper for sure. Glad it all worked out for you guys
I/We are keeping the blame where it belongs - on BM. She is the one that began all this crap with the lies at first and now the move an hour away..
But the kids feel what they feel.. and that sucks. Kind of.
I get why they don't like me and want me out of their lives.. DH was Disney Dad before he met me.. then he got with the program and began parenting.. really, it wasn't my fault - he only had them on weekends, so of course it was all play. Then we got 50/50 parenting and had bedtimes, homework, structure.. ya know, things a normal household have. Somehow though, I'm the bad guy and it's all MY fault.. Whatevs' I don't give a crap about those opinions.. fine, ya don't want to live here because of me and my rules.. blame me, I won't lose any sleep.
DH has told them repeatedly the rules are the "house rules" and not HER rules - falls on deaf ears. They want to make me the bad guy - want to hate me and BM just feeds that monster all it can eat.