You are here

I’m struggling

Ducky1's picture

I have been married for a year and my husband has two boys (14 and 12). I find myself struggling a lot to even like them. I don't want to tell my husband because I dont think he will respond well. I don't have kids and I have never been married, so it's ALL been a big adjustment for me. Is it normal to not like your step kids? Sometimes I just want someone to talk to about how I'm feeling that is where I'm at.

PetSpoiler's picture

Are they well behaved?  Are they likeable? If they were your friend's kids or neighbors what would you think of them?  I didn't like my SS at times when he was a kid.  It got better when he got to be a teenager but my husband was also very quick to correct him when he acted up.  I did also notice that after my daughter was born, SS didn't annoy me as much.  Also, that my son can do some of the same things or similar that SS did, and it doesn't annoy me as much.  I'm definitely more tolerant and patient with my bios.  I think that's normal.  Too much dislike may not be normal but it depends on their behavior and your tolerance level. 

Ducky1's picture

I think overall they are well behaved. I've was on my own for so long and don't have kids of my own (nor will I) I think it's just hard. I know it's stupid stuff like him lying about something dumb, talking non stop, or other things. I'm honestly just struggling with the whole thing of being a step parent in general. They have both become a lot better kids since I've been in their lives, because their mother doesn't pay any attention to the hardly, and I have. 

strugglingSM's picture

My name on this site is "strugglingSM" for a reason and yes, I think it's normal to not like your Skids, especially if they have not been raised to be likeable and if your partner is a guilty parent. 

Being a stepparent is hard and society puts a lot of pressure on stepparents (especially stepmoms) to have everything figured out, "love" the children immediately, and "solve" a lot of problems that were created by the parents and in some cases are unsolvable. It's not only a thankless job, but you will be blamed for a lot of things that have nothing to do with you. It definitely changed a lot of my views on family dynamics. 

I will say that it's gotten easier (DH and I have now been married for almost 7 years), but that's mostly because Skids have been partially alienated and now don't come around much. DH and I have also built our own family that Skids are not really part of (by their own choice and again, the alienation). Not an ideal situation for them, but it does feel like we've settled in to something together and if they don't want to be part of it, I can't fix that. 

Ducky1's picture

There really isn't an option for my husband and I to have children of our own so the thought of us having our own family isn't in the picture. My husband is very involved and does get on to the kids when needed but I still struggle a lot. I don't always wanna feel like this and I hope as they get older it will get better but right now I don't feel very good about it.

CLove's picture

Especially if you have a strong parenting from your partner.

And read on here - there are many different "flavors" of love. You can love them in your own way and thats ok!

pengu66's picture

I can strongly relate to most of this.  I have no bio kids of own. And absolutely hate being a stepparent.  I can't even call myself a stepmom because the title revolts me. I hate the Skids.  They're annoying and energy draining and leeches. Suck everything that you thought was good in you, is gone. They talk all the time, and they're here all the time too.  I have a very turmoil relationship with SD.  We have absolutely nothing in common.  No relatable grounds. We used to have the fact that we both hated birth mom, because she's a useless POS but of course SD changed her mind on that as well.  I struggle daily with thoughts on how to escape. But I'm madly in love with SO. He is a great dad and excellent husband. If he was bad....I'd almost prefer it.  Make it so much easier to leave and never look back.  They're older now too and it did get easier for a bit.  But then teenager years happened and I'm right back where I used to be.   Looking for ways to escape daily. I can't wait for them to move out.  I literally count the days for when they're gone.  I long for when it can just be SO and I but I can never escape them.  There's always going to be Christmas and shit like that, you have to smile and pretend to enjoy those moments.  It's the most thankless job I've ever had.   And I'm starting to hate my life...but love my life with my hubby.  I'm so torn. I have never been more torn in my life. 

Rags's picture

like the spouse's children?

The issue is not that you dislike them. No doubt there are reasons for that. The issue is that you would even consider telling your DH that you don't like his children.

Discuss their behaviors, their performance, the need for enforced boundaries and effective consequences, discuss their toxic tendences, their rudeness, etc....

DO NOT.... tell him that you don't like his kids.