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Getting stepdaughter to feel safe?

Sarahredfox's picture

Hi, i have a 8 year old soon to be step daughter and a 4 year old soon to be step son. We have a wonderful relationship and they are really good kids except... They lie. We ask what they did with their mom casually, like did you do anything fun? They always say they dont remember. Or get really quiet when asked anything about there. We feel their mom has scared maybe them to tell us anything that goes on. To a point where she even lied to her dad and basically was calling me a liar over something that happened with us. It worries us because we know her mom tells them lies about their dad and hateful things. I know her moms boyfriend cusses a lot and is around them a ton. My fiance heard him call his daughter an asshole. Thankfully he was there to witness? Confront and have a talk with her. I was thinking of starting a journal just between us but how do i ask and her tell me whats its really like there. Its driving me crazy not knowing what its like only to be a fly on the wall. I want her to feel comfortable opening up but dont know how to ask the right questions? Any advice? Also i would love her to be able to take it home to write letters to me there as well but terrifes me to think her mom will find it. Thank you for reading..i just need to do something while were waiting to go to court..and this wouldnt be necesssarly for court unless unimaginably awful things are taking place. 

Winterglow's picture

Please stop trying to get information from this child. It really isn't any of your business what happens at her mother's place. Just as it isn't any of her mother's business what goes on at yours. I think  it's perfectly normal for the kids to not want to tell you about anything that happens over there - it would make them feel like spies if they did. They'd feel they were betraying their mother. I understand the curiosity but the more you find out the more you'll want to know and this can end up consuming you. 

Trust me on this - your SD ill feel a whole lot happier and safer when you stop prying for information about her mother and her mother's home. The more you interrogate her the more insecure she will feel. So, keep on letting her know that you love her and that you're there for her and you'll increase the chances of her coming to you if she has a real problem a hundred times over.

BethAnne's picture

What the children need to know is what is and is not acceptable. They need to know that being called names is not acceptable, that being touched in ways that they do not like is unacceptable and being hurt physically is unacceptable and being made to feel scared is unacceptable. They need to know who safe people that they can talk to about things upsetting them are. I usually tell my sd that means her mom, her dad, me, her teacher at school...your husband could ask sd who are the adults that she feels safe with that she could tell if there was something wrong. It could be grandma or a teacher or a doctor, as long as she has a few appropriate adults to choose from.

Having a book each that the children can write messages in could be helpful but I think that the messages should go between their father and themselves, not to you. They also need to not be directed to write about their mothers house but allowed to write about anything to dad that they want. Most of the messages will probably be silly things but they may use it for more serious topics if they want to. 

I also agree with the poster above that the children are entitled to privacy at their mother’s house and pressuring them to answer questions is not helpful as long as they know what abusive behavior is and have adults that they would feel comfortable confiding in should anything bad happen. 

Let their dad take the lead on all of these things.