I do hope both you and your husband congratulated your son on his achievement before the harsh comments. A kinder approach would have been to ask how it would be funded. I can imagine if I had gone to all that trouble of study and than accepted to go further in my academics that if that was the response I got I would be very hurt. 
so to answer your question, yes you were wrong. A little bit of support and pride at your son's achievements were what were needed at that point. 

Oh and your husband is wrong. Your son will have many more career options with his Phd and even if he chooses not to follow a career after that, a doctorate is something to celebrate. Brian May is a great example- phd in Astro physics and one the best guitarist in one of most famous bands in the world. I hope your son shoves that example up your husband's jealous backside too. 

It sound like there is lots of history here. Has your DH always responded this way when your son has shared his acomplishements? Have you ever countered his harsh responses?

To answer your question, yes - both your and your husband were wrong. If your son didn't ask you to pay for the program - why would that be your DH's first response? Has he ever paid for your son's schooling? It doesn't sound like you congratulated your son - so I can understand why he was upset.

You said your DH was often "too honest" - is that it or is he just rude? While your son should not have talked to your DH in that manner, my guess is he did it because your DH has always been negative towards your son.

Know that truth.

I have put some thought into this since the other very long thread on this situation.

Your DS was much kinder than I would have been if I were him and my StepDad pulled that inferiority complex driven crap with me.  I would have peeled him to the core pointing out how I am so much better than he is and that his asshole presence in my life is now over. I would then turn to you, mom, and tell you that I would swant you in my life but no mention of your asshole DH would happen or I would be done with you too.

smh

there are lots of answers on your blog post.  the consensus is yes.. you were both wrong.. and your DH sounds like an AH.

So how many years has your husband been putting down your son? Trying to crush someone's spirit is NOT showing tough love. He's being a mega-arse. Why do you allow him to try to break your son? You have a son that many parents would be proud of... why aren't you?

Usually I stay in the anti skid corner.  Not this time. You need to explain the history a little more clearer. You did mention your son and DH never had a good relationship.

Your son hit a major accomplishment and he got shit on by the obviously jealous step daddio and you.

I am glad even though your son has had a tough road with step daddio and you, that he is accomplished beyond most.

Maybe your son was a lil prick to step daddio. Maybe he was an ingarateful teen, maybe. BUT dang it sounds like no matter the crap that life gave him he succeeded.

I know we mostly say the couple should be a united front. This time step daddio was in the wrong . Imagine how your son feels. This shoulve been a proud mama moment, instead your son was treated like a mooching drop out that was antagonizing step daddio.

What led up to this exchange?

How old is your son?  Has he ever been gainfully employed?  Have you and your DH been footing the bill for his “studies” or has he been amassing student loan debt?  If your son has been milking the school gravy train all this time and your DH is tired of funding it I can understand his upset.  If your son has been paying his own way then yes your DH should STFU because it’s not his problem.  Unless your DH knows that your son won’t do anything once he makes this accomplishment and will move home with you guys and default on all his debt and just be a dead beat living in your basement.  Either way is sounds like there are deeper issues between your son and DH.

A PhD degree in theoretical physics is an accomplishment. Don't expect it to be easy finding a job in that field, unless you decide to go into academia (and even those jobs are pretty hard to come by these days - 70 years ago it was a different story). That being said, the degree can potentially translate into other fields if he's willing to learn a few other (more marketable) skills. Your DH isn't wrong, but his approach was. Congratulate him (this is after all his road to travel... for better or worse... and it DOES take intelligence and dedication to get to where he is) and say that while you're proud of what he has accomplished, you would suggest he explore all aspects of the degree including what jobs he can reasonably expect to get afterwards. Then let it go. 

Wow.  I could only have dreamed my ex SS would have accomplished something like your son.  I know nothing about physics but have no doubt that one must be super smart to get into one of these programs.  I would've been bursting at the seams if my ex SS had done something like that and would have offered to help in any way I could.  Your DH should be proud and supportive too.  I had a worthless, hostile, rude, nasty ex-SS.  And I would never have said anything like that to him - even if he deserved it. 

I'm very sorry this incident happened.  Try to mend things with your son and tell DH he needs to apologize.  And please, offer to help support him in some way (gift cards for groceries or cleaning his apartment, something!) even if paying/helping with tuition is not on the table.

Maybe have DH read my previous posts about my stepson so he can see how lucky he is to have a stepson like your son?

Hang in there - but please, make amends with your son. 

**HUGS**

As you can read from my post(s) about our own situation, I'm certainly no expert!  But even I know that if something POSITIVE is happening, either keep your mouth shut, or reinforce that positive thing!   Or speak to the mom later to get the 'skinny' on what's actually going on. 

Maybe he meant it as a 'cautionary', about limited employment after graduation...but rational thinking suggests there would be a MUCH better way to approach that!   Just my opinion, I'd suggest DH approach SS and apologize for being so brash, and explain just what WAS he getting at with the comment??  

You could ask him if there are reasons for that attitude...past attempts at doing 'something big' that wasn't followed thru?  Giving him a reason to think this will also be a non-starter?   There may well be something that set off DH, but it seems important to know WHAT that was, and also for him to own his actions.     We all fk up now and then, LOL...maybe he should try to not let this turn into a major event...

I have a science education (biologist by degree, now tradesman by choice) - if in fact your son was accepted and has shown the talent to pursue an academic program like that - there will be opportunities for him, even if as a college professor, IF that's what he really wants to do.   The true research hardcore positions are, of course, limited, but with good academics, a 'job' is most likely there.  Financing the endeavor may be another story entirely, LOL...

Your son has achieved something major, and has a bright future ahead of him.

Most posters on here in most circumstances will advise spouses to assist and back each other up against kids. That's not so with what you describe here. This was the time to take your kid's side against your spouse. You owe your son an apology. Please make it as soon as you can.

Your DH's response was another thing entirely. I fully sympathize with him--really and truly. He probably feels like a dirty old dishrag in comparison with your son. But he needs to grow up and grapple with the annoying fact that there's always going to be someone smarter, richer, better-looking and more accomplished. Let him pull up his big boy pants and apologize to your son. He's acting like a 2-year-old around his new baby brother, and it's not a good look.

Disengage,  if he can't be supportive of such a huge accomplishment.   I understand not wanting to finance it, but a congratulations and celebratory dinner would have been awesome,  I'm sure.

As you probably know, this is a huge big deal and even if he doesn't have job offers piling up, it's still amazing and he will find work, even if not in his field...he sounds determined enough to make it work. 

But after that blow up, if it were me, I'd tell DH to stfu, disengage for him and take my son out to celebrate.  

We all know there are issues with step relationships,  that's why we're here...but it sounds like your DS was only asking for a little acknowledgement, to let you know he's climbed an academic Mt Everest.  Hug him and tell him you recognize what he's accomplished and how proud you are. Maybe if you can, get him some groceries or meal deliveries or something to help a little