Welcome!

I wish I could give you some sound advice, but I have a big mouth and really would not be able to stay out of it if my DH's kid treated us like that. You have a right to speak up. You are paying her to do a job and she's not doing it.

The fact that you have to pay her to help with her own father speaks for itself.

This likely won't be the popular opinion. I'm going to give a different perspective as someone who was a young adult caregiver to my FMIL and who watched their mother act as caregiver to both her parents over a 2 year period.

Watching someone die is hard. Watching someone you love and care about die is even harder. Watching your parent die when you've barely entered adulthood and trying to help take care of them (or being expected to take care of them) is hell.

My XH had a really hard time taking care of his mom while she was sick and dying. They already had a strained relationship, but that didn't mean he wanted her dead. Watching her deteriorate, having to help feed and clean her, taking her back and forth to appointments, etc just wore him down. He want from being a college kid whose biggest worry was getting a paper turned in on time to making sure he didn't accidentally overdose his mother on morphine in literal weeks.

I'm not saying kids can't or shouldn't help. However, I think there needs to be a realistic expectation based on age and experience. My mom was able to physically take care of her parents because she had a medical background and was in her 30s. She still relied on hospice nurses, friends, and other healthcare providers because she couldn't mentally handle it all.

Honestly, I think your DH needs to back off on giving his kids grief for not being as helpful as your kids. Your kids are older and less connected to him. His kids are barely adults and watching their dad suffer and die. Those are two vastly different experiences. I held it together much better with my FMIL than my XH did because I wasn't dealing with guilt, sadness, mourning, anger, etc the way he was.

Additionally, I'd take the job away from SD and hire professionals. SD and her siblings should be able to spend time with their dad without the expectation of being his caretaker. Sure, they should offer to make his favorite meal or bring his some water or something. Beyond that, though, it's a lot to expect.

So how do you handle it? I think you talk to your DH about how you two need to hire help instead of relying on the kids and help him come up with ways to spend time with his kids while he still can. If he wants to keep making them feel guilty, that's his right to do so. You just wash your hands of it. But having someone professionally help you take care of your husband so you don't have to be involved in the personal side of his relationships with his kids is probably for the best. Not everyone handles these kinds of situations the same way so you either continue to try and fit a square peg into a round hole or find a round peg. I doubt your DH wants to spend this time being frustrated with his kids so help remove those frustrating pieces.

I agree with  lieutenant_dad and was also going to suggest hiring a professional. But, little things like doing the dishes is not a big ask for the 18 year old.

1. Hire someone else. Sd is too close to the situation emotionally.

2. SD needs to do for herself. You can discuss with her that you recognize she needs to get her life ducks in a row, and figure out where she wants to do for her future. She needs appreciation? Everyone needs appreciation. 

3. Discuss with your DH that going forward, all kids need to be involved but not with care. Hopefully you have it in your budget to hire someone.

Welcome Lura. And I am very sorry about your husband's diagnosis.

I'm going to give a different perspective to Lt. Dad.

I'm a healthcare professional. I see many situations just like yours. My main point is, there is no one size fits all in these cases. Lt Dad and others said that it's hard for young adult children to nurse dying relatives. Yes it is. But in some cultures they would have it no other way.

I went to a family the other day...the patient is 32 yo and has the same condition as your husband. She is at home, being cared for by her family which includes her brother, SIL, Mum and Dad, AND her 13 yo daughter. Yes, 13. I asked them if they have any outside help and they said no, they don't want or need it. 

It was an absolute privilege to talk with them and witness their love and commitment. 

They are of a culture that is very much collective. Family is everything.

Personally I would hire someone else to do the heavy lifting while you are at work.  At 18 SD if probably not even emotionally mature enough to understand her father is dying and she will never have him in her life again, let alone deal with all the physical aspects of helping him through this process. 

I understand wanting a functional home while going through this, but sometimes sh@t has to slip while you all deal with this.  Dishes may not get done, paper plates may become the norm for a bit.  Remember you are all processing this in a different way.  Maybe for your kids it’s easier to help because they don’t have as intimate a relationship with your DH.  Maybe his kids are in denial and feel like if they just act normal this will all go away and dad will get better.

Most importantly take care of yourself, stop worrying about his kids and how useless/useful they are, focus on the time you have with DH and trying to make memories with him while you still can and he can still be present. 

My steps (in their 30s and 40s) are in complete denial about their father's health. I expect no help from them at all when the time comes. SD, when presented with evidence, shut down and then later rewrote the story to suit her own need for her father to not grow old.

It must be really hard at 18 to deal with this, especially if the SD is self-absorbed anyway. I think the only thing I would do would be to encourage his kids to spend time with him, maybe give them some ideas about the kinds of things they can do for him or bring to him. They seriously might not know.

You are under tremendous pressure. Be kind to yourself, and make things as easy as possible. Hire help, hire house cleaners, etc. so that you TOO can spend wonderful time with your DH.

Nothing about this is easy, and I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.

That said, based on your past experiences with giving this Skid jobs, it was a bad move to engage her as the care giver for your DH. 

So, fire her, and engage a professional.  The sooner the better and the more drama and future butt hurt Skid drama you will avoid.

My condolences on your DH's prognosis.

We made the mistake of engaging my Uncle's wife as my GM's care giver.  She was a certified care giver and had cared for her own parents during their end of life process.

Sadly, all that ended up being was the uncle's wife asking my GM if she was hungry and then telling her to go make her own dinner. So... we fired the Uncles wife, moved my BM into a beautiful assisted living age in place retirement facility near us, and my GM's quality of life sky rocketed.  There was of course butt hurt fee fees from the Uncle's wfe, but... it had to happen and should have never happened to begin with because we should have never hired her in the first place.

Business with family, is rarely a good idea and even more rarely a good idea in an end of life care situation.

Take care of yourself and your DH. The SKid's really are irrelevant. Don't forget that.

IMHO of course.

I'm so sorry! I lost both my parents to cancer and its definitely hard.

When my mom was diagnosed she was an inpatient in a hospital at the time. I'm a medical professional and to cope I went into nurse mode. My mom asked me to stop treating her like a patient,  but that's was how I kept from breaking down knowing I was going to lose her in a matter of days (lung cancer that metastasized everywhere except her brain). Being in that setting, I didn't have to do everything,  but still...

Maybe make an ala carte list of tasks that need to be done and pay by the task, that way you're not overpaying if she under-works. I understand some things may be hard for her to do, but talk about it and let her know YOU appreciate the help and really need it right now.  Another option might be hiring a caregiver for things she's not comfortable doing. 

With a brain tumor, its not uncommon to have someone behave in ways they wouldn't typically behave,  so that maybe playing into him praising the kids that are there mov. I'm sorry you're going through this.