How do you hear things?.
Right - officially exasperated now. For the MILLIONTH time I have been TOLD what is happening in my house rather than being asked. SD1 is cooking dinner for her boyf & then they are going into another room to watch a dvd. She arrives home with the groceries bought for the dinner (at least she got them herself!) and proceeds to tell me this. Now this is after yesterday's antics where the boyf arrived to go for a walk with her just as I am taking up dinner and SD1 proceeds to ask him if he wants any(not enough to go around obviously cos I didn't know he would be there).Being a guy he of course says yeah!. I look to DH for support only to find nothing. I put up 5 plates + passed comment that I hoped there was enough for all only to get the reply that it's the right thing to do to give boyf some. No mention of I'll talk to SD1 + ask her to tell us if he'll be here so we can include him in numbers. Or the fact that if SD2 did this he would be VERY vocal about his disapproval!!.Apologies, rant over. My question is this - how do you hear everything?. I hear everything second-hand regardless of whether it affects me. I have raised an objection to this at times only to be told that if I made efforts to talk to them + ask about their lives then they might tell me. Even when I am in the room they only look at DH when they are sharing details of their lives.
Maybe after 11 years I am just getting sick of the whole thing and am reaching the end of my tether. I'm just so so sick + tired of being taken for granted and being treated like I don't exist in my own home.
You poor thing! It is an
You poor thing! It is an ugly place to be right now in your home life! Stay here with us and we will find some answers. It is too bad it always takes most of us 10 plus years to wise up!
Why difference in the way DH treats SD 1 and SD 2? Just curious.
I think I would write down what part of your life you want to reclaim and have a little meeting with DH for starters. Then lets see what happens. Don't be disappointed when he doesn't "get it".
SD1 is his fave and to me
SD1 is his fave and to me this is obvious (and I believe to the rest of his family from comments they have made to me). He loves having her living with us at the moment but as they are so close I find it a strain because I feel excluded at times. It's fine when it's just us 2 but once she walks through the door the dynamic changes. I have tries and failed so many times to explain how I feel. He doesn't see how he behaves is any different with the 2 girls - he just says his relationship with both of them is different. I was just thinking that maybe I was expecting too much that what was happening with us was actually the norm. The example I gave happens at least once a fortnight if not more. He'll ask me what's bothering me but doesn't want the actual answer!!. She's talking about moving in with the boyf so maybe I should just bide my time.
Why is she living with you?
Why is she living with you? At least she bought the groceries. My SD22 used to cook OUR food for her bf. When I told her to buy her own entertainment food, she whined that bf's M would invite HER to dinner! Too f&$%ing bad. That doesn't mean I have a grinning debt to repay! They are so stupid!
If I were in your shoes as
If I were in your shoes as things stand at your place now, I would probably try and talk SD out of moving in with a boyfriend. Stressing that she will have a long happy life after she marries and hope secretly that she moves in with her boyfriend out of spite. My idea is twisted and cruel but it appears that everyone is happy accept you.
That is a last resort in my opinion, only it does not sound like your husband is going to see her true colors anytime soon.
"I have raised an objection
"I have raised an objection to this at times only to be told that if I made efforts to talk to them + ask about their lives then they might tell me." I agree - it's gaslighting. Really like the idea of having SD share her plate with her boyfriend. LOL LOL Your DH needs to get off his butt and inform SD she will respect you in your home or move. But be prepared for more gaslighting. You may have to take action on your own.
I've never heard of
I've never heard of gaslighting - what is that?. SD1 will talk to her dad + then he will tell me things normally. Whether that is that boyf will be there for Sunday dinner or that she won't be home or that SD2 will be calling over etc. I would safely say I hear 95-99% of what happens in their lives through their dad. It's constantly put back on to me that I don't hear because I don't ask. I spent YEARS making an effort to be included and I've reached the conclusion that it works as long as I step back + they tell Dad.They're happy with this situation so I'm rocking the boat. The sad thing is that DH doesn't see this at all and tbh it affects my faith + trust in him. Does anyone else feel taken for granted + taken advantage of?.
Tbh Starla I want her gone because I want control back in my own house so I'm just biding my time at the moment. How sad is that - I pay half the mortgage + own the house + am a competent capable adept adult yet I feel like this in my own home because of a 25yo who is used to getting her own way?.
This is from
This is from healthyplace.com:
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity.
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can't do anything right.
You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
I did not know quite how much
I did not know quite how much I put up with this! It looks like passive-aggressive behavior and gaslighting go hand in hand. I know when SD and SSIL visited I was always odd-man-out. It is truly when the irrational is presented as rational and something is wrong with us if we do not believe this.
You are constantly
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.WIFE!
You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can't do anything right.
You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
are you sure you're not confusing Gaslighting with marriage?
Anyway.... I would suggest asking the sd outright in front of her father before preparing food as to how many are to eat. If she states she doesn't know then tell her to find out, if she includes boyfriend make a point about how much food you have and ask if she wants to add something. Make sure it is all done in a friendly way in front of her father so there can be no lies about what wss said.
If someone turns up unannounced simply state you weren't told they were coming, if sd complains say she can always give them her meal
Try not to play games, as the old saying goes - never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
Let them do all the
Let them do all the shopping,
Submitted by wowthisishard on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 4:50pm.
Let them do all the shopping, paying, cooking and inviting until she moves out.
Do your own washing, dishes, eat alone etc etc. You live and work as if there were nobody in the house but you. Provide for nobody but yourself and make sure your husband knows what's going on. His daughter can do his laundry.
Now that this has happened,
Now that this has happened, make a mental note of how you would want to handle unexpected situations. He may not have intended to eat when he came over.The boyfriend may have just been put into a bad situation when sd invited him to eat. Next time anyone comes to the door at mealtime, greet them and mention your family is having their meal. Offer a beverage while they wait.
This is weird. I'm looking at
This is weird. I'm looking at the description of gaslighting + I've nodded yes to at least 9 of the points. That can't be good!!.SD1 has said she's moving in with the boyf - this according to DH is my fault cos as I posted previously I had bad depression + couldn't cope with her so I pushed her away. She's moving out cos I treated her badly. It couldn't possibly be anything to do with her taking her relationship to the next level of course (I overheard her saying as much to her sis last month). Sadly I am simply biding my time until she does go which looks like sooner rather than later. To be honest 3 adults in the same house isn't great especially when she's used to taking over like she is. At least now I can write my shopping list in peace without her going through it to check it for me
!!. Oh it's the little things in life... 
Congratulations!!! DH can
Congratulations!!! DH can blame you all he wants. She's still out of your life. DH might find living without the constant conflict is a heck of a lot better. Once she leaves don't let her move back.