H Called DD House and Wants to Know if We are Going Down There for Thanksgiving OR

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should he get a ticket and come up here. She told him that we were all going away for the holiday and he should make his own plans. He said he figured I didn't want to talk to him, but she should let him know I called and what he said.

DD then said she couldn't help but tell him that I was finally getting back to somewhat normal. That I was a wreck from the last year dealing with him and his family and was just starting to get back to being the person she knows. That he should be ashamed of himself for what he did and allowed his daughter to do to me. Told him flat out his daughter was bat sh*t crazy and what she brags about doing to people is not normal at all. She brought up how Twit cheats people by hiring them for a job and then complaining that it isn't to her liking wanting a lot of money off the job (Sure, there are contractors that do shoddy work, and one should have something done in that case, but with Twit, it is just a ploy because NO ONE that she has ever hired has done a good job.) How she loves geting the best of people and even stole things from Me. But I digress on that.

She went on to say she was sorry his grandson was in jail, but he deserved it. In fact she told him it was a good place for him to be because he is away from Twit and will get sober because booze is not availble whre he is. That the real tragedy is that he, her husband, etc. enabled Twit to do the things she does with out any consequences.

I was glas to hear this because she was telling him all the things I would have liked to if I were to talk to him, which I don't want to.

DD said he was almost crying by the time she finished her rant. He told her he was SOOO sorry he didn't take things in hand long back. If he had to go back he would have done things differently. He knows I have been jumpy, scared when his Twit reared her fangs etc. But, what could he really do....she is his daughter and no one else in the family will have anything to do with her except him. He did tell DD that he has not heard from her at all.

DD said she could not resist saying that was probably a good thing, but not MY (meaning me) problem. that he should make plans to go see his Twit for Thanksgiving because he has hurt me enough.

Woozer!

She held my hands as she told me all this, telling me that I am finally starting to do something besides read, take walks with Scully and sleep most of the time as I am exhausted physically and mostly mentally. She knows I am handling a lot emotionally and is there when I want to talk and leaves me alone when I don't.

DD also said that if I wanted him to come, that was okay with her and she would call him back and tell him.

Oh, I told DD that I didn't

Oh, I told DD that I didn't want to see him.

SIL told his friend, the lawyer he has in mind for me, about what had happened to me. Lawyers are somewhat counselor's on their own as they see so much of the human drama. The lawyer said that amounted to abuse, mental abuse. Steps can get pretty nasty if they smell money and don't think they will be getting any of it. But also added that it happens with bio children too.

His friend and his family were here for a football party Sunday and he talked to me privately about the situation. He and my SIL go all the way back to high school together so they know each other well. I feel good about him.

I love your daughter!

I love your daughter! (and your son-in-law, too) She has held her tongue and she finally let him have it. Good for her! It is telling that even when he told her he regretted the way he had handled things, that he still felt like he couldn't have done anything different. I'm glad you are not seeing him for the holidays. Keep moving forward - you have go this!

Mental Abuse

"The lawyer said that amounted to abuse, mental abuse." And it was! It is just wonderful that your DD stood up for you like that. I agree seeing him right now is not a good thing. You are still dealing with the PTSD that all of Twit and DH's created. When the smoke settles and you get back to being the real you, but not now. You're going in the right direction. (((HUGS)))

Well he's got some freaking

Well he's got some freaking nerve doesn't he? He is still trying to push you around and be in charge (he gave 2 options: you going down there or him coming up; trying to "force" a decision in his favor).

Hi hope you are able to file for divorce soon and cut tires hard.

Your.Daughter.Is.Awesome!

Which part of "we are

Which part of "we are separated" is not clear to him? Why did he think you would spend Thanksgiving with him?

Your daughter is wonderful. You clearly raised her right.

And I'm confused by his answer- he "should" have taken things in hand, but he chose not to because she's family?

Ugh - it's time to cut off contact with this one. He can cry all he wants, he doesn't really get it.

He really doesn't get it,

He really doesn't get it, does he?

But, what could he really do....she is his daughter and no one else in the family will have anything to do with her except him.

So, she is his daughter, his family, what were you? There comes a point when it is not about blood, it's about a person's actions and behavior, about how they are affecting you and your life. He let her abuse his wife and destroy his marriage. He is finding out that it was not worth it, daughter or not.

There is a reason that no one else in the family will have anything to do with her, she is poison. No one else is willing to let her destroy their lives and happiness, and hurt people that they love. No one else is willing to sacrifice those that they love, for Twit. But, your H was.... and now he's alone. And now, conveniently, he has not even heard from her.

He obviously thinks that this is temporary, as he assumed that he would spend Thanksgiving with you, one way or another.

The thing is, if he does hear from her, it will be the same thing all over again. The only reason she is not an issue, now, is becasue SHE is choosing not to contact him. That is a bit different than him having nothing to do with her. If she called him, he would surely take the call.

That, hereiam, is the 64

That, hereiam, is the 64 billion dollar question: "The only reason she is not an issue, now, is becasue SHE is choosing not to contact him. That is a bit different than him having nothing to do with her. If she called him, he would surely take the call."

Seemed everytime he was making progress she would have a crisis of some kind or another.

With Drunkie in jail you can bet that Twit is playing the sypathy card for all she can get but I know that she knows what I thnkof that situation with Drunkie. She started his path to jail a long time back. First time he rolled his car, because he was drunk and miss the curve in the road she bought him the big screen TV he wanted. Bragged about how he didn't get a ticket because when the car was found he wasn't behind the wheel or even around it. Normal people just woundn't react that way towards the young man.

Even today I will bet the farm she doesn't have a clue, well she has a clue, but doesn't care because it keeps her Babies tied to her. Sick, sick, sick.

Wow! Have a wonderful and

Wow! Have a wonderful and delicious thanksgiving!!

Note one thing. H told DD

Note one thing. H told DD that he has not heard from Twit. The BIG thing with that is that Twit changed her phone number and H doesn't have it otherwise I am certain he would be in contact with her.

One other thing DD told H was

One other thing DD told H was that Drunkie never had a chance becuase Twit enabled him. That Twit didn't want her son to be seen at any of the AA meetings because it would, in her mind, look bad for her and her pot and pan business. After all, Twit has to maintain that facade of being perfect. Her buying booze for drunkie under the guise of controling how much he drinks was nothing more that BS and being destructive to Drunkie. DD told H he needs to look at what happened to his Grandson and why very, very clearly and carefully without making the usual excuses for her.

I have to agree with her. Same with Fatso. When he started ballooning in weight early in high school she did nothing but let it happen. Now he is huge, has a low end job as a stock boy at a grocery chain and, franky looks like Big Foot with his height, weight, long, long hair and wild beard. Menwile she cries about what is she to do etc. Poor Fatso is just another way for Twit to get attention just like Drunkie was. You all know, poor her, she tried SO HARD and look what she deals with.

I may also add something that we only find out just before we left that area. Seems Fatso, too, is a big drinker, but at least has the smarts that when he is going to drink a lot he walks instead of drives (mainly because he can't depend on his old beater car).

Your H may be a victim of his

Your H may be a victim of his daughter's cruelty, but really, he's a victim of his own monster. Making the assumption that you'll spend Thanksgiving with him? Always assuming you'd turn the kther cheek? Twit learned well how to put people in situations where the benefit would always land in her favor, and she learned that from Dear Ol' Dadikins.

I wonder if your H has some

I wonder if your H has some cognitive problems, possibly age related? He really doesn't seem to understand what's happening and is just living day to day. Has he found more permanent housing or made any plans for his future?

Morning Julie - You hit the

Morning Julie - You hit the nail on the head when you said that about possible problems in his old age. I have suspected that for quite awhile as it took him so long at times to register what I said, about normal every day things. I would have to repeat sometimes several times. He would blame it on his hearing but he has a hearing aid so that was bogus.

That is one of my concerns because aging like that is something you can't stop. And I took the vows I made 25+ years ago seriously when I said in sickness and in health. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a conscience and common sense....life could be so much easier to just barge through like Twit does and let everyone else pick up the pieces.

That may be why Twit has dropped him. She sees his mental state is failing and doesn't want to get stuck having to help take care of him. Let her Father be someone else's problemm especially if there is nothing in it for her. I can't help but think that if he won the big lotto and had milliions that she would be stuck to him like a fly on......you know.

Yes

Good point. Perhaps Twit sensed DH was not quite as lucid or cognitive as he once was and added it all together. No, SHE'S not going to truly make a sacrifice for anyone but Twit. She has never really sacrificed anything for her children. All activity, every interaction, enters Twit's mind as, "How is this going to effect me?" Taking care of her self-interests far supersedes future care or concern for DH. If she asks him over for Thanksgiving he might drop the bomb - you know, where he wants her to actually care that he might have to spend the holiday alone, have some expectations of her, be treated like part of her family. As long as DH has little or nothing to give to Twit her phone number will never be shared with him. Sad.

One of the other posters wrote that this has been going on for a lot longer than the onset of his cognitive problems. I remember when you had cancer treatment and you were STILL dealing with Twit. DH SHOULD have told her at that time to stay away. You wrote about "In sickness and in health" and "-til death do us part." It seems like DH abandoned that concept a long time ago when he allowed you to be emotionally abused. He sacrificed the 'honor' he had vowed to give you to gain Twit's approval rather than yours. Marriage vows could be considered a verbal contract. Your DH did not honor his end of the contract, therefore nullifying it.

I sincerely hope you are healing and moving forward in your life. There should be no regrets when you have to take care of you.

No, SHE'S not going to truly

No, SHE'S not going to truly make a sacrifice for anyone but Twit. She has never really sacrificed anything for her children. All activity, every interaction, enters Twit's mind as, "How is this going to effect me?"

Sandye, you are so right on there. Her actions are always to get what SHE wants. Buying them expensive TV's etc. keeps them all tied to her. It is so sick.

Op, your daughter is your advocate. She said things bluntly

To your ex all the things you couldn’t or gave up telling him.

we’ve all been there when shit hits the roof, bad behaviour, disrespect, abuse etc and we’re told to suck it up because the bio parent won’t grow a pair

my husband told his son (21.5 yrs old), that he can’t come home and pretend me and our 2 kids (his half siblings don’t exist), that ss made home life environment so miserable and hostile.

ss21.5 had the nerve to say “i’m not wrong and i’m not ignoring stepmum and my 2 half siblings, that stepmum is a stranger and he feels so uncomfortable and clumsy to say a basic hello, that he is incapable of affection to his 2 half siblings”

isn’t that an admission that you intentionally do this and make pathetic excuses. The way ss referred to me really angered hubby and he told him i was his wife of 5 yrs, not a stranger and that we had 2 kids together and ss attitude was “can’t give a shit”

hubby told me that he is guilted with his parenting of skids because of his choice to marry their mum and have 3 kids stupidly with her and allow them to be raised by crazy bio mum (batshit dysfunctional) and so he just can’t find the courage to say no and address the issues

i told hubby that makes me feel incredibly neglected like i’m expendable and no spouse wants to feel that way.

I disengaged from skids over a year ago, i do not talk to or acknowledge ss in my home. I go about my day with housework, fulltime university studies and our 2 toddlers.

me and hubby have planned to buy a nice coastal home on the coast to retire in, it will be skid free because they are rude, disrespectful, no respect for iur privacy and boundaries. Also when they have done everything in their power to sabotage my marriage and relationship with hubby, they don’t get to profit or benefit from the luxury of living in a first world western country in a luxury home.

They can rant and sulk and be petty back in their asian country. I will never go out of my way to subsidise or care for them as they have lived through life guilting others and not standing on their own 2 feet...

the world won’t reward them for that behaviour

'He told her he was SOOO

'He told her he was SOOO sorry he didn't take things in hand long back. If he had to go back he would have done things differently.'

OP, you have a great daughter! Good for her for telling him all that stuff. You can say it yourself till you're blue in the face but it DOES make difference when someone else is seen to have your back, so it's not just your opinion.

Now, OH can't go BACK and do things differently. But he sure as hell can do things differently moving forward. Daughter or no daughter, there has to come a point when bad behaviour isn't acceptable simply because someone happens to be a relative.

SDM, I really feel for you

SDM, I really feel for you (and envy you for having such a wonderful daughter and SIL). Your feelings about your marriage are complicated by issues with aging and your own sense of honor. It's tough, indeed.

Have you found a therapist in your new town? It might help to have an unbiased professional to help you sort out your feelings. It might also be worth it to have honest conversations with your H's other daughter and his son. Perhaps in a letter or email if you don't feel like talking to them? They need to know what's going on, and your concerns for their father's cognitive deficits. Ideally they'll step up and become more concerned with their father's welfare, freeing you to make decisions that are best for you.

Your daughter is an amazing

Your daughter is an amazing woman, you must be so proud to be her mother. Truly a testament to the wonderful person you are, you have raised a child who has grown to be the same. Bravo to her, and bravo to you for taking your life back. Best to you all, I hope you have a lovely worry free Thanksgiving

Thanks all for the comments

Thanks all for the comments on my daughter. Raised her as a single Mom from the time she enteed 1st grade. Oh I can't tell you how many times we butted heads as parent and child but she saw the light especially when she became a Mother.

We now laugh about how, when she wanted something and I said no, she would give me the ole "this is a democracy we live in etc.". My response was always that yes, the country was a democracy, but I run a dictatorship. I know she has plagerised that a few times in her career as Mom.

Go daughter go!

I was cheering when reading your daughter reading the riot act to your H.

We hear all the time that kids wont stand up for things that are important unless its on a tv screen or computer screen, so yay for daughter.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate with H in his advanced years. I know you said vows, but he has violated them. The Bible (if that is your thing) sais that a man must put God first and then wife, before children even. Any culture its wife and that marital family where you become one, being first. That promise made during wedding vows wasnt all one-sided meaning you.

Take these holidays to really consider that you have a road ahead of you, and choices. But if you go back to the same situation your choices will severely diminish.

Amazing

I find it amazing and presumptuous that your DH assumed that you guys would be spending Thanksgiving together. He phrased his request without any concern to your feelings at all. Then again, he seems to have been ignoring your feelings for a very long time. He obviously is out of touch with the reality of the state of his marriage. The fact that he allowed his daughter to treat you so badly shows whose feelings matter the most (his and his disfunctional daughter) and it doesn’t sound like he has changed one bit.

Holidays should not be fodder

Holidays should not be fodder for family drama. Enjoy your TG with your family. You are getting to a place in your life that is positve. Do not expose yourself to a set back. For DH to make a come back, he needs to actively demonstrate that he is done with Twit and is dedicated to insulating you from her and her toxic clan.

Enjoy your family.

Take care of you.

Hi all - Been focusing on ME,

Hi all - Been focusing on ME, what I want and how I want to do it. Nope, no H at our Thanksgiving though he has called several times about it. DD told him to make his own plans down there. He actually wanted to know if he came up here and stayed at a hotel, would I talk things over with him. She said nope. That my health etc. has been improving and she doesn't want me to go back down hill.

Mischief got into her and she told him to go visit hiss Twit, DD was sure she would love to have it. Seems that was a sore spot for H. He broke down crying on the phone. DD is not heartless so she listened. Seems he has no where to go and doesn't want to be alone for the holiday season. He really misses me, loves me etc. Knows he was wrong and on and on.

DD said she had to end the call because she was starting to feel sorry for him. You see, DD likes him except for how he has let the Twit mistreat me for the last 8 years.

That is sad. However, he is

That is sad. However, he is the cause of his own problems. Do you think if you would have left him sooner he would have realized how much you meant to him and set your SD straight? Do you think he is ready to set your SD straight or have you decided it's too late?

Eventual Consequences

SDM, You are much like your DD. You have a big heart. as you wrote, your DD had to end the phone call because she was feeling sorry for DH. You put up with YEARS of abuse because you valued DH more than he valued you. He failed to take action for the entirety of your marriage but still expects you to feel concern for him. I remember when you had the cancer scare and STILL had to deal with the crazy stuff. He failed to be a true husband to you and is experiencing the consequences of his actions / inactions. Sorry, but he left it too late and not enough. By the way, did he ever actually CALL Twit and tell her not to phone him again?

Hi Sandye - In answer to your

Hi Sandye - In answer to your question about H ever calling Twit and telling her not to phone him again. I can't answer that. The last I heard months back was that she changed her phone numbers and he doesn't have them. But then I do not talk to H any more. I just can't.

Call it silly, but I still am just numb about the whole sorry situatoin. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to deal with any of the stuff pertaining to the divorce, I just want to be left alone. If that make any sense. I just don't want to go stir up all that angst of the past when right now the present is so peaceful.

GD and I have been working for weeks on our family tree. We are having a ball with the things we are finding out about our family....on just one branch! If the rest are this colorful it is gonig to be interesting. Seems one 3rd great grandfather ran away with his neighbor's wife to one of the western territories. He was later sued by her husband for alienation or some such thing. We are trying to decipher the court record and it can be difficult at times. They both wrote and spoke different back then. What a SCANDLE!

Scully is doing well too. With the cold weather he has put on quite a bit of a furry coat.

I think it's completely

I think it's completely understandable - you have been through quite enough trauma for a while! I'm really warmed to hear of the activities you and GD are doing, and that Scully is doing well too! How big is he now?

I agree

Really, who would want to go back to the frustration of dealing with DH. He just didn't seem to get it for way to long - and there is no guarantee he will EVER get it. You gave him more chances than most anyone would have.

So glad to hear you are having such a good time with GD and Scully. And think of it: If you go back to stephell you would not be able to give your GD moments which she will cherish for the rest of her life. And isn't THAT more important now? Good luck and have a wonderful holiday.

Wishing you happy holidays and new beginnings

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H Called DD House and Wants to Know if We are Going Down There for Thanksgiving OR