Great relief when I realized I had enough.
My wonderful husband and I have been married almost 15 years. His ex is a narcissist, along with his youngest of two daughters. I have been fortunate all these years that the daughter has never lived with us full time. She is highly intelligent, lives on her own now (unmarried in her 30’s), but has a drug and alcohol problem. However, when she visits, it is all about how we will entertain her during the visit (skiing, dinners out, bringing her boyfriends along with her and expecting my husband to foot the bills for both of them). If she wants my husband to babysit the older daughter, who is handicapped, while she and her mother travel, she will lecture my husband on the divorce agreement. It would never occur to her to come for a weekend and say, “Dad, I’ll come and help you with whatever you need done”. Growing up, when her father was still married to her mother, she had every upper middle class advantage, along with an excellent education. She always wants more. When she was not dating, she would ask to come with us on our vacations, expecting her father to foot the bills. My husband is aware of this, but does not want to lose the relationship.
One day, I realized that I had enough. It was very difficult to tell my husband that I was not going to have any more contact with her. She is welcome to visit our home anytime to continue her relationship with her father, but I go out of state during the visits and assist elderly relatives, or have a girls weekend with my best girl friends. Since the step daughter and I have been out of contact, I am happier that I have been in years. And my husband treats me like gold, and in a strange way, respects me more, and realizes he has no choice but to get through his visits with her. I wish her well.
Awesome!
Awesome!
Good for you!
Good for you!
Wisdom for us all, "Since the
Wisdom for us all, "Since the step daughter and I have been out of contact, I am happier that I have been in years. And my husband treats me like gold, and in a strange way, respects me more, and realizes he has no choice but to get through his visits with her. I wish her well."
Too many people mistake kindness for weakness. What they don't know is that nowadays, kindness takes more strength than visciousness. A kind person pushed too far should be more feared than a vicious one.
You Make a Great Point Idvilen, It Takes The Emotionally
stronger one to keep calm, cool and collected. Anyone can scream and throw a fit, and it may feel great at the moment, but you know anyone with a sensible conscience will have reflective thoughts later, and hopefully come to the conclusion they could've handled things much better. After SD had her volatile confrontation with us, I remained completely calm and smiled, trying to diffuse the entire thing. As miserable as it was for almost an hour, I remained calm throughout the ordeal. Later DH told me, "I'm really proud of the way you handled yourself with grace and class." Ok. But I'm not proud of the way he said and did absolutely NOTHING.
'Later DH told me, "I'm
'Later DH told me, "I'm really proud of the way you handled yourself with grace and class." '
But this gave him the green light to say and do nothing. If you'd lost your sh!t, as you had every right to do by the sound of it,it might have been a different story.
Yes! It's akin to "Be the better person" a little coddling to
apease me, so as not to report her to the Bar Assn, or her Board of Directors, report her for elderly abuse and exploitation or to file a Restraining Order against her.
And believe me, you have no idea how badly I wanted to channel my inner white trash and go crazy. However, I do know, (and have great satisfaction in knowing) that I am emotionally far better equipped than this nightmare of a person who is emotionally disabled. When I put my head down on my pillow at night, there is solace in that.
People say, "karma", "what goes around comes around" and "let God be your vindicator" , all of which are good cliche's, but at some point a person has to take solution focused steps to insure this type of horrible mistreatment and abusive behavior does't occur again.
I couldn't believe a professional we counseled with told us, "Boundaries are not walls." Really? Much of what I have read, says they ARE WALLS, particularly if you're dealing with a classic narc. You will forever be inviting that back into your life if you keep allowing them in. Complete and total disengagement is the key, whether enmeshed DH's like it or not.
Well said!!
"People say, "karma", "what goes around comes around" and "let God be your vindicator" , all of which are good cliche's, but at some point a person has to take solution focused steps to insure this type of horrible mistreatment and abusive behavior does't occur again"
Remain calm. Let them be the
Remain calm. Let them be the ones to rant, scream and foam at the mouth. Then call in the total destruction air strike with every legal, financial and social consequence you can bring to bear.
And have fun with it. Watching them flop around and foam at the mouth has great comic value. Particularly if we stay calm and confident.
Ah yes Texas, you and I both
Ah yes Texas, you and I both had to sit through the loooong berating session while our DH's did nothing to defend us. I sat quietly too, but I have to admit that a week later I put a post up on FB that I shouldn't have, it was a Scott Ritter quote and read: "If you attack my integrity I will defend myself, if you attack my patriotism I will defend myself, if you come after my family I will counter attack viciously, I will destroy you" To be honest I just couldn't stay silent anymore - what they said about my DD's, my siblings, my parents was untruthful and hurtful - and DH just sat there.
It is too funny reading these
It is too funny reading these posts. When they were attacking me, we both said nothing. When they were attacking our marriage we both said nothing; that did not work so they started attacking my daughter. I finally said something, it is over now.
People like this are going to up the ante until they get your reaction, it appears. Still, make the final reaction a classy final exit from their miserable drama filled lives and move on to people who appreciate spending time with you.
That's called disengagement, and you're doing great
Sometimes it's mind over matter. We have to take a giant step back and look at what isn't working, and be solution focused. I'm glad you did.
I have a horrible problem where DH and SD have colluded against me, and I want him nowhere around her because of it. The more people are around one another, the more they start to behave and think like one another.
I was shocked when we spoke to our pastor who's always taken a marital stand, said, "If he wants to have an abusive relationship with her, then that's his choice." Really? What about putting your spouse ahead of others and third party intrusions on your marriage? We all participated in a huge book study on boundaries, and this was covered extensively.
At any rate, I'm glad you're on the right path and feeling better.