disengaging help
Forums:
I have decided to disengage when it comes to SK so I guess I need some help on where to start. When he brings up that so and so called meaning one of them do I tell him I don't want to be involved or do I just agree and then keep my mouth shut?
As an SM, its your choice to
As an SM, its your choice to be involved or not, not your responsibility. Choose not to involve yourself in things that you will not get anything from.
For example, SS8 has a limit on video games put in place by DH.
I watch SS8 exceed his time daily, excessively, not 5 mins, talking 1 hour.
OK - so how does this effect me if I open my mouth??
1. I have to tattle tale on SS8 - makes me look bad
2. DH KNOWS SS8 is over, he isn't stupid, he is choosing to ignore it therefore its not important to him and if I push him to enforce the rule he put forth, he will be angry at ME. As well SS8 will be angry at ME - this isn't fun for me.
3. IF DH proceeds to kick him off the PC, then SS8 will be up DHs ass since he is incapable of playing or doing anything himself without constant entertainment - so DH will he fully consumed, and angry, and frustrated that he has to entertain SS8.
So... Why would I open my mouth?
The other thing I do often is answer a question with, Um I don't know, ask your Dad.
That phrase puts the responsibility back on DH to manage the decisions for his kid - you don't have to be rude, just redirect the child to your DH.
Oops, didn't catch yours were
Oops, didn't catch yours were adults...
So you don't announce like StepAside said, you just do. You change you, your actions, your involvements.
When DH goes on about BM, I simply redirect the conversation politely - truth is, DH doesn't want me to actually SAY anything anyway - nothing I say will be taken into account, put into action or matter - so I just redirect, change the topic.
If he asks me, 3Fam what should I do, I simply answer with a question, I don't know that is tough, what do you want to do? What do YOU think you can do? and redirect the conversation.
Thanks for the advice.. I
Thanks for the advice.. I have another whole can of worms that was just opened up for me regarding my BIO-son. I swear if it was not for bad luck I surely would't have any.. Oh and by the way tough love sucks.. On both ends.
At smom101 - I have said many
At smom101 - I have said many things I shouldnt have, being a bit of a hot head I couldn't help it! I've called Skid many things I shouldn't have and used hand gestures to re-iterate :O .... again at his age he should show respect and he doesn't and screams and shouts at you! He intimidates. He has gotten away with it for so long and that's how he communicated when he lives with his mother. I'm having councilling next month and will hopefully learn how to deal with 'issues' and disengage.
Due to an incident where
Due to an incident where people's hostility toward me was finally put out on the table, I did announce my disengagement to DHs family. I didn't make a specific list of all I wouldn't be doing except to basically say "don't expect to see me anytime soon".
I found it helpful to announce my disengagement. As I read other's circumstances I realize our situations are all unique. For me, my husband prefers it this way, it's less gray hairs for him.
Communicating my disengagement to DH and his family has been helpful for me because DHs family know why I'm not there, there aren't endless questions etc... It's nice for me mentally because I no longer worry about upcoming events and not showing (I also moved, which helps!). I laid the cards on the table that I'm not going to be in their presence because they were so rude.
If they start to gossip about me when I don't show to a family event, it might just occur to them "hey, this is why she isn't here in the first place". Maybe I give them too much credit, but it's a nice thought anyway.
If a specific opportunity (things were brought out in the open by family) hadn't arisen I would have had a silent disengagement. I was fortunate in this respect as I did not know how to directly confront this passive aggression. It was great to have the opportunity to call a spade a spade and verbalize my perspective. Now, there is little question as to why I backed out of the family.
I think those of us who deal with relational aggression, rarely get these type of opportunities (where their aggression is finally brought out in the open). I know due to a variety of reasons, making a declaration is not in the cards for most of us.
There are different ways to disengage... announce, not announce, be somewhat involved, not at all etc... For me, announcing my disengagement has provided a lot of closure mentally.