Putting foot down re: Custody Battle

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Hey everyone!

This is actually the first time I'm posting here because I seriously need to vent. Usually reading other's posts with similar experiences help, however I am far beyond that now. So brief background: DH just completed a very long, costly (40K and counting), and emotional custody battle with his ex over his 2 children (7&9). The custody battle began in 2018 when DH's children moved here with us because DH and his ex had an agreement to live with her for one year and with us for one year, and based on their academics and if they liked it here, they would stay and live with their dad (all of this was written down in an agreement that was handed to the court). We do not live in the same country as BM. A couple of weeks before the children were supposed to come here, BM put in an ex parte to get emergency custody because she was afraid of them coming here and wanting to stay. Well that blew up into a custody battle because we end up finding out about countless cases of neglect (months living lice; living with abusive husband which we had no knowledge of the abuse because she hides everything and manipulates the children into thinking it's okay and not telling us; not feeding the children properly or showering them/giving them basic hygiene, etc.). She is also not financially stable...or stable anywhere else in her life. Long story short - after a child custody investigation DH managed to get sole custody of the children and 50/50 legal. BM only gets the girls on spring break, summer vacay, and one week of winter break. WELL. DH's kids went back to be with their BM, and once again the manipulation is beginning. One child all of a sudden doesn't want to come back (she did the same thing when she was about to leave - crying for weeks, asking us not to let her go, writing letters about how she doesn't want to go back, etc.), the youngest however does and told us that her BM told her "Well if you don't wanna stay then you and your sibling will be seperated." So she's scared. The two daughters are fighting cause the oldest one is just as manipulating as her BM and is trying to force her to say that she wants to stay. We also found out they have lice again, do not shower or brush their teeth, and have been left alone at least once for 30 mins. She also doesn't pick up her phone/messages because supposedly the children "don't want to talk/are scared to talk to" DH. Well this week, BM decides to put in a request for an exparte because the children supposedly need family therapy (which she put them in without DH's consent/counsel - which is against the court orders) and she wants them to stay there to complete the therapy since they are "emotionally destressed about the changes they had to do cause of their father" and change custody eventually so they stay with her permanently and DH gets visitation (which can't happen due to DH & immigration barriers). Well just this visit is costing us another 3K (Which will probably be denied because it's not an emergency) plus the next hearing which will be another 3K. The worst part is that we have just bought a house and can't afford more court - so I had to put my foot down with DH and tell him that after these 2 court hearings I can't do no more court. I am not about to sacrifice/lose my home to pay court/attorney fees. I am beginning to feel anxious/stressed because of the finance issue and resentful that all of this is happening...I feel bad about putting my foot down because I know how important the children are, but at the same I need to look out for myself and my family.

Ugh thanks for reading, any one else in the same situation?

So, this is parental

So, this is parental alienation, and BM is likely to continue until she gets custody of the kids. Can he go pro se (without an attorney)?

Unfortunately no. We were

Unfortunately no. We were told he has to be in court (or at least someone representing him) in order to file the response/objection to the ex parte. Because we are in a different country, and DH would need a Visa to go there, it's just not feasible. We had no choice but to contact an attorney as him not appearing would be default. And knowing how manpulative she is, I don't know what would happen...

I wish I had hopeful advice,

I wish I had hopeful advice, but my guess is that if he can't afford ongoing litigation, he will eventually have to give custody back to BM. People like her don't stop trying to to manipulate the kids and get custody back.

That's what I fear. Which is

That's what I fear. Which is so messed up...

Have your spouse file charges

Have your spouse file charges for kidnapping, then once you get custody and the kids are back with you, don't send them anymore....cops aren't going to arrest him are they? For what not following a court order...um okay BM isn't following the court order either and nobody is arresting her.

Well we were just informed by

Well we were just informed by the attorney that her ex parte has been denied and the children have been ordered to come back on their return date. Will definitely keep that in mind if they don't show up.

Yes, yes - turn the tables on

Yes, yes - turn the tables on her and file charges for kidnapping. He really does need to play hardball with all the obstacles in his way (different country, etc).

Another hearing was scheduled

Another hearing was scheduled. Attorney is planning on going in guns blazing with all of the recent evidence we have already provided her to this one..and a sanction.

So she did get an ex parte

So she did get an ex parte hearing?

No thankfully it was denied.

No thankfully it was denied. But they scheduled another hearing later on in the year.

It is a relief to hear that

It is a relief to hear that the ex parte was rejected and she must send the kids back.

I agree with the hard ball advice. DH needs to go on a destroy the BM campaign and keep her destroyed until his children are 18+ and can make their own choices regarding a relationship with BM.

We did not have the level of issue that your situation is but we did have to smack the SpermClan around in court a few times over the years for failing to return SS from visitation on time. It was always some bullshit excuse. First was that it was their opinion that travel was on our time Vs theirs. Nope, the judge had clearly stated that travel was on their time. Unfortuneately it did not make it into the written CO so we had to drag them back to court by the short and curlies to be smacked by the judge and they had to pay for half of the court costs to get the CO updated. The Judge lectured them and their attorney for that crap.

After that it was that they periodically missed getting SS on the flight, or the flight was cancelled, etc, etc, etc.... Invariably they claimed to not be able to get him on a later flight for several days. We always had him booked on a flight within a few hours of their bullshit claims and informed them that they had him at the airport or we would have the police or Sherrif come to their home and shuttle SS to the airport. Not hard to do since my DW's life long BFF was the daughter of the the chief of police who ran and won the office of Sherrif after he retired from the PD. Her BFF is one of the SpermIdiot's statutory rape victims, as is my bride so the Chief/Sherrif relished in keeping the SpermIdiot under a tight leash with law inforcement.

Zero tolerance eventually kept them fairly in line.

BM needs to feel pain any time she plays her toxic games.

Good luck.

Literally what's going on

Literally what's going on with us right now. Shes saying she cant afford to accompany them (she booked return tickets to bring them back but never booked her return from here back cause she said she cant afford it). Not sure what's going on but attorney mentioned that if she refuses to bring them that DH should get the Sheriff to escort the children, and if she refuses or is "not home" then there will be a warrant for her arrest.

Typical games by the blended

Typical games by the blended family opposition.

My SS's SpermClan would pull this crap. When he was too young to fly unaccompanied then he had to have an adult fly with him. Our CO stipulated that each party was responsible for getting the child to their location. My wife used to fly back to her home town to pick SS up from SpermClan visitation. Never once did the SpermIdiot come to get the kid. It was always a GreatGrandParent or it was the SpermIdiot's sister's husband's mother. There were a number of occassions over the 16+ years we lived under the CO that they played the "we can't afford it" card and refused visitation.

You should follow your attorney's advice and prime the Sheriff to escort the kids or to throw her ass in jail if she fails to put the Skids on the plane.

Good luck.

Thank you for the advice. It

Thank you for the advice. It's nice (but unfortunate) to know that there is someone else out there that knows what we're going through. In her case she doesnt wanna send them back cause she cant afford visitation. She wants to switch the custody so that shes the CP and DH has the breaks as visitation. Now the problem is DH needs a Visa every time he would have ti travel so that makes it very complicated to go and get the kids. That plus she can't even support them or take care of them. Like there's a reason why the court gave us full custody...

GreenEyez---your dh is very

GreenEyez---your dh is very fortunate that the court is on his side.

, WHO is paying for her lawyer? Or is it a pro bono. Just curious.

What many step parents have figured out is, this. MOM pays for the ticket when the kids go to her. DAD pays for ticket when the kids go to him.

IF we were in your shoes my dh would have gone to get the child himself. I get it a last minute ticket is lots of money... BUT made for darn sure the very next transportation event, BM paid for them to visit with her, dh paid for return home.

You are not alone with what you and dh are going thru. That is for darn sure.

Please keep us posted.

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you for your kind words. This time she represented herself. The first time, she had an attorney which we believe was pro bono (as she claims she couldn't afford anything not even $50 for medical bills..but yet always has her hair and nails done top notch) but then was dropped cause she went rogue. Lol. The agreement between DH and BM is they pay half and half for the children's tickets (which is essentially what you said). She agreed to escort the kids and pay her own ticket which is on the CO. However, she owed DH attorney fees for her mishaps in court, so she's been covering the fees for the last 2 trips (court ordered this way as she doesn't pay money back lol).

Unfortunately, DH cant travel that easy due to immigration barriers so he can't just go get them or else he'd definitely be there by now. Lol.

So update: Skids are with us

So update: Skids are with us now. But if course BM makes a scene at the airport when SD9 cries and brings up court stuff right in front of her instead of comforting the child. DH simply replies with "This is not the time nor place. If you have any questions or concerns, call my attorney". Once BM left, SD9 did a 360 and is okay.

The calm and mature

The calm and mature environment that you and DH provide for all in your home is the best counter to BM's instability and manipulation.

Keep up the great work.

I am happy to hear that the SKids are back home with a minumum of conflict.

Thank you. So am I. However

Thank you. So am I. However they were so dirty and actually infested with lice poor things.

And for some reason though I have such a bad/weird gut feeling like something is wrong...

Hopefully you took them

Hopefully you took them directly from pick up from BM to the doctor so that you could get their condition documented for future recounting if necessary.

We used to do this with SS when he returned from SpermClan visitation when he was a toddler. He would leave a clean, well groomed, mostly toilet trained happy little boy and return a sullen, non communicative, dirty, smelly little waif with puss filled welts all over his buttocks, diaper rash so bad that his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, with black sludge on the backs of his knees, inside of his elbows, around his neck and waist and in his crotch.

Even then the Judge ruled that "any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this family". After we presented the Doc reports and pics of his grungy body, half inch long finger and toe nails, etc.....

Document, document, document.... it may be important to help protect your SDs as you deal with the toxic BM

DH has already taken pictures

DH has already taken pictures. But if the lice don't go away (all are dead after the first application of the lice med - now the nits...we haven't found anymore after the first comb through but those are more difficult), then off to the clinic they go.

I'm so sorry to hear that about your SK. How horrendous.

Update: DH put his foot down.

Update: DH put his foot down. He will no longer be paying any more lawyer fees. SD9 has come back with a rotten, secretive and very cold attitude thinking she's 19yrs old and runs the house. DH has said that our house here is priority. if she doesn't want to respect the rules and the adults in it, and if she will be continuing this attitude then she can go live with her mother. But when shes dirty, lice filled and has a crappy life, she can turn to her mother for help since shes 'always there'.

The child is 9

and mom is playing games with her mind and this is your husband's response? The kids were returned dirty and with lice, mom tried to keep them, obviously told them what she was doing AND stole their belongings and your husband's attitude is 100% worse than a confused child's. WTH is wrong with him? He basically told her that she is only worth his time and money if she is obedient and acts as if this past summer didn't traumatize her.

I get what you're saying

I get what you're saying however when you're more than 40K in Family court and BM keeps taking you to court after every visitation because SD cries, it gets ridiculous. Then we have to deal with all the shit she sends us with and still have to pay up more court fees. Unfortunately, DH doesn't grow money on trees. Do we want her to go back? No. If the court says she stays with us, that's whats going to happen. However, DH can no longer afford the back and forth for insignificant arguments. Also, does she know anything about the courts/lawyers? No. DH keeps that info away from SDs.

The other problem: We started to see that she was getting her way all of the time at her BM and that's the lifestyle she wants to live. She's given attitude to everyone including SD7 and has been secretive about many things including hiding her phone she all of a sudden got (from BM), and has gotten so bad to the point where we cannot even have a conversation in front of her. She's turned into BMs little minion. Confused? I dont think so. Last year she was totally against BM and her living conditions. This year she got her way with BM and that's what she likes. This isnt your classic inter state divorced family, it's international. It's way more complicated than what you think, due to the fact BM and DH live in 2 different countries.

Your situation sucks

Im sorry you and the kiddos are going through all that (even nasty little SD9).

We had to deal with head lice ONCE. Toxic Troll BM blamed it on me and told then SO all kinds of horrible things - that he is a horrible father, I am a horrible person. You see, I had previously given SDthen9ish an old birds nest, and of course THATS where it came from.

It turns out:

1. Munchkin had been sent home with a note with a school-wide warning of head lice outbreak, but kiddo had forgotten to give it to parents. It was in her backpack the whole time.

2. You cannot get head lice from birds - sure birds have their own thing - mites- but its non transmittable to humans. To this day, Munchkin STILL tries to tell people that you can get head lice from birds nests. EGADS. This just shows how children are vulnerable to brainwashing by parents - especially the bio mother.

UGH. We cleaned and vaccumed the house several times, did the shampoo, and daily head checks with a comb. Its horrible that these kids have this going on.

This is our second time

This is our second time dealing with lice. Apparently it's a "friends daughter" that's always around them who have it.

Also you definitely cannot get lice from birds LOL

If BM was worth a shit as a

If BM was worth a shit as a parent her daughters would not be anywhere near the chronic bug basket of a kid (friends daughter).

Or if they're that close,

Or if they're that close, treat the little Lice Bag too. This "friend" of hers is her on and off again girlfriend (she's a cheater, shes still married - which we didnt know she GOT married until a couple of years ago. Not that we care about her personal life..however we do care who SKs are around and that's when we found out from SKs and we're like :O . During this time DH and I thought she was dating this "friend" but she was actually married also. The SKs are completely oblivious to all of this).

Update on court hearing:

Update on court hearing: court denied all of her claims as she had no proof of anything. Judge also stated that for the next time she does not release the children or severely goes against the court order (not consulting DH about therapist or other decisions outlined in CO) then she will lose all visitation (children travelling to her); and any visitation that will be permitted by court, will have to be within 15 miles of our house. They also recommended that due to BMs misuse of the court, purposely leading to DH not being equally represented in court because of immigration barriers, that all court pertaining to this matter be held here where we live.