Step parenting when grieving
Hi all, I'm new here! My father passed away 3 weeks,after 91 years on the planet. I had been highly involved in his care. I'm intensely sad but getting through with the support of my husband. However on the days my stepson is here, I feel very lonely. It's as if the two of them are carrying on happily, talking about any topic of no consequence, and inside I'm screaming 'How can you just carry on as if nothing has happened?' My stepson is 15, he was very involved in the funeral and I understand that death is difficult for a 15 year old. He's being the best he can,asking me if I'm ok etc...but still, I just dont feel I can be myself or howl when I need to, with him in our house(which is very a very small house). It is as if I need to fold away my grief. He's coming later in the week to stay 3 days and I'm dreading it.
Any words of wisdom to help cope?
Firstly, condolences on the
Firstly, condolences on the loss of your father. I'm so sorry.
It sounds like your SS is a good boy, am I right? Maybe a quiet word to your H, explaining to him that you are still feeling overwhelmed with grief and need space and peace right now.
Perhaps your H and his son can go out for part of the days that he is staying, to give you that space? Just an idea...
Step parenting when grieving
Hi Kaylee, yes he is a good boy. He has mild autism,is more comfortable in the adult world, so when he's here the 3 of us are all together a lot. However I just don't have the energy right now, as sometimes the relationship takes work. It's a good idea to talk to H, but I'll have to be careful how I approach it as H gets very defensive about SS. Thank you!
I'm sorry for your loss....
I'm sorry for your loss.... it's difficult losing a parent at any age.
That being said, I think you have to give some lattitude towards your spouse and his son. While they may have had a good relationship with him, obviously, there is a difference when it is your own parent vs the parent of someone you cared about.. Your step son's autism tendencies also could feed into the way he might react.
And... while you have every right to grieve at your own pace and in your own way.. at some point, you have to understand that not everyone should or will participate in that process to an equal extent. After several weeks, they may be personally ready to focus on other things aside from his death. In fact, that may be how they are both coping.. taking a mental break from thinking about the sadness?
I think a fair question from your husband might be.. "how long do you expect for us to tip toe around the house so that you can grieve?" It's not fair to put YOU on a timetable to just be over it... but.. the flipside is that it isn't fair to them to expect that they will sit in quiet depression because it fits your agenda?
So... I think the answer might be in how you frame it. Try not to focus on the fact that you think they are being insensitive or excluding you...ignoring your feelings. I might approach it from a point where you tell your husband that you are having a hard time and aren't really ready to rejoin "normal life"... that you appreciate that they may be more ready to move on.. but you really aren't and need some more time and space to process your grief... it would be great if he and his son could make a point of getting out a bit more so that you have some time to yourself.
You might also see if there are any grief counseling services.. via your religion.. or otherwise.. maybe some online resources or support groups that might help you. While they should certainly be kind and aware of your feelings, this is a journey that you need to walk yourself... and there is a point where you may need to adjust expectations on their reactions and behaviors.. they obviously aren't feeling this loss in the same way you are.
Grief needs an outlet. When
Grief needs an outlet. When my mother passed away, my kids were still realtively young. I felt that I needed to present a strong front to them so my grieving was done when I was alone - in the car driving to and from work each day. Looking back, I think that slowed my grief process and it might have been better for them (and me) if I had grieved openly. I do remember wondering how the rest of the world just seemed to go on as if nothing had happened so I think that is a natural feeling. I'm sorry for your loss. I've said that it felt like my world turned upside down and although it never turned right side up again, I did find a way to move forward in the upside down. Be kind to yourself.
Upside down
That's a super way to put it - upside down. I'm just wondering how one would show grief in front of kids - maybe if they're your own it's different. My stepson knows I'm sad but I wouldn't feel comfortable crying my eyes out in front of him. I think my husband is the only one I would do that with, or one really close friend. I sympathise with your grief in the car - it's a great place to howl - but tough if that's the only place you can do it, or you have to pretend to be fine outside of there. I guess there are many ways to show grief, crying being only one of them.
Honestly, I think that an
Honestly, I think that an honest display of grief would be ok for a kid his age to at least have some glimpse of. He is old enough that it isn't like it is some scary loss of control that a 4 yo might see when mommy loses it. If you begin to lose your composure, I think it's perfectly fine to excuse yourself to go have a cry and if he hears some of it.. it's a natural response and maybe it might even impress upon him that you are not entirely "ok" and that he may want to be more subdued and aware of what he says and does when you are around?
Im so sorry for your loss and
Im so sorry for your loss and whats to follow with greif, its never easy . My husband died in an accident 11yrs ago when i was 27,so many had to have an input on what i should be doing or shouldnt be doing , how to act etc ,,then i met a wise widow that told me the best thing that you can do is to feel whatever your feeling and not hold it in,,, it was the best advice i was given and it really helped me move forward . So if i felt like sobbing on the floor in the middle of the living room , I did. If i felt like screaming till i lost my voice , i did. If i felt like telling everyone around me to fuck off , I did. You need to do this too. Your DH and SS sound like they are good people and probally not sure how to deal with your sadness,,, dont worry about it , sobb your heart out. Its not a bad thing for people cloeset to you to see this . I still occasionally have those moments of grief wash over me where i will uncontrolably sob infront of my son ,, its taught him so much about grief and compassion and that we are all human. Dont hide it and allow yourself to feel what your feeling and it doesnt matter who sees it xxx
Sorry for your loss hon!
Sorry for your loss hon! What you are feeling is completely normal- I remember feeling so insulted that life went on/people moved along while I was trying to process this huge loss (my father passed of cancer in his 70's) Spot on advise here about feeling whatever you need to, at your own pace, in your own way, don't rush or surpress the feelings that wash over, no matter who is there. It's important to be present in your grief....to be in the moment, to feel what you do-even if that sometimes includes a distraction, a laugh, a sob...nothing is wrong, nothing is good/bad-it's just the healthiest way to cope with grief. Be kind and patient with yourself and your own feelings.
It would be good for your dh and ss to learn some compassion also and just let you grieve however you need to-if this means you ask them to go out a bit and leave you alone, then that's what needs to happen. Again, very sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss!
I'm so sorry for your loss! I too remember trying to hold it together after my dad passed away. I never have felt comfortable crying in front of SS and he was living with us when my dad passed. It's ok if you need to go in your bedroom and cry and he can hear you. He is old enough that he will understand. He sounds like a nice kid too and isn't sure what he needs to be doing. But that's true of adults too. My dh has lost all of his siblings and I never really knew what to do to help him. I never knew what to say. I'd just hug him and listen mostly. I lost my dad 20 years ago and it still hurts. I still cry sometimes. It's only been three weeks for you. It's going to take time to go through the stages of grief. Talking about it helps. Take things one day at a time, deal with issues as they come, and don't give yourself a time limit. Remember this isn't something you'll "get over", rather you'll come to a place of acceptance. Or what I call grudging acceptance. "I'll accept it but I won't like it and you can't make me" is pretty much where I am with it. Everyone gets there at their own pace.
Texas, my son was diagnosed
Texas, my son was diagnosed with bipolar a couple years ago and schizoaffective d/o with bipolar type now. It's honestly really hard to read when people refer to them as nut cases. Most of these people also have anosognosia -which is lack of insight into their condition so they often self-medicate and refuse treatment. It's not out of being stubborn-it's part of the disease. I used to think this way about BM too as she is bipolar and sd showed signs also.....until it hit my own and I have learned to have compassion no matter how much of a hell it is going through it. Please consider there are people on the board that themselves may have this condition or their families and it can feel very hurtful. Mental health already carries a huge stigma in society.
Can your dh look into possibly group/transition housing for him? Is he on SSI or can he work? It's a lifetime burden for parents when their kids have this. Either they need help for life of some kind of assistance. Is he meds and therapy compliant with bipolar? Is he actually diagnosed, and is BM? Has he considered getting him into a longer-term treatment that has residential? It's SO much easier getting them in when they are minors vs adults...he should jump on it now before he's a legal adult.
My son has mentioned not wanting kids because of his mental health- though he does not fully understand the severity. I personally really hope he never does because it can be genetic.