You are here

Separate Computer logins

Kirby24's picture

Submitted by Kirby24 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:08am

Forums: 
General Discussion

Hi
This isn;t related to SKs but just a random survey - my SO has got a new compute we can share and he has set up separate log ins where he wants to keep his password secret. Because he set it up, he knows mine.

Anyone else have SOs who want to keep their computerlife secret?!

Sweetnothings's picture

Submitted by Sweetnothings on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:13am

Hello, mine did that for awhile, and as it turned out for good reasons !! I've posted on here already about our ongoing conflicts with sharing the email account and the secret to- ing and fro-ing between him and SD21.
Now we share, and it's going okay..... Ask for the password, and see what happens......

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:14am

I would find that disturbing, I know my husbands email and facebook passwords and he knows mine. The only password not shared is password to here because my husband says I deserve this one place to vent. I would ask him why he thinks his computer activity has to be so secret?

Kirby24's picture

Submitted by Kirby24 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:15am

He refused, saying that 'you shouldn;t give away IT passwords' or some baloney like he was head of an IT department!

Kirby24's picture

Submitted by Kirby24 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:16am

Oh, and I asked him if he had anything to hide and he said 'no'! Advice please, it is really annoying me now

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:24am

So change your password to something HE doesn't know. Or set up a FB account that you "forget" to tell him about...but leave it up "accidentally" when you know he will see it.

Passive-aggressive, yes. But what the hell is he THINKING?!?

If you can't trust your wife, who in the hell CAN you trust??

Now, if he is Administrator on the computer, he would be able to change your password to whatever HE wants to be able to snoop on you (if he chooses) but then he'd have to guess as to what it WAS or you would know that someone changed your password.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:28am

Here's how to approach it:

"Spouses do not hide things from one another. Unless you are saying it is fine for me to have secrets from you, I expect us to share our computer passwords."

If he says it is FINE for you to have secrets, then I'd really worry.

Kirby24's picture

Submitted by Kirby24 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:31am

OK thanks, I feel a sense fo dread, I think I know what the answer will be. Thing is, do I end it because of this, I suppose if I don;t trust him the relationship cannot survive. Any other thoughts?

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:39am

I feel the basic foundations of a successful marriage are good communication, trust, friendship and (in most cases) physical attraction.

In my mind, he is violating at least the first three of these.

What is a marriage to you? What are your basic foundations for a successful one?

Only you can answer that for yourself.

Kirby24's picture

Submitted by Kirby24 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:41am

we are not marRied, but have been going out a few years. Still, it is a long time, and if I can;t get him to open up now, or if I can;t trust him..... god it is so depressing.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:45am

Not as depressing as deciding, 15 years and two kids down the road, that you can no longer be with this guy.

But talk to him. He might just be on a stupid ego trip or something. If he realizes how serious this is to you, he may back down.

Kirby24's picture

Submitted by Kirby24 on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 8:54am

Thanks, this is all really hard to take but it is true. I am gonna give him an ultamatum. I don;t want to live like this. Thank you for your support, I am gonna find it bloody hard for the next few months but it is better to meet someone who will share with me.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 2:15pm

I agree. It may have been a non issue until he refused to give her HIS password when he clearly had hers.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 07/08/2011 - 11:11pm

Talk a look at some of Unlucky Lady's blogs. I would be seriously considering leaving. I wouldn't feel he was trustworthy since he wants to keep secrets. Better to know now, then later.

qtpie013178's picture

Submitted by qtpie013178 on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 3:48am

I don't mind the passwords, but how come he picked yours? THat is such a double standard. But if he paid for the PC alone, it may be so that he can control the activity on it. Buy yourself a laptop and let him keep his computer to himself.

roseslady2's picture

Submitted by roseslady2 on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 5:54pm

DH has his own computer, but we have both agreed a long time ago that all electronic communication is never off limits. All passwords are known, we can check each other's cells at any time. We both agreed early that if we wanted our marriage to be good, we had to know everything they were saying to other ppl and getting from other ppl. More than once, there's been indecent stuff, but because we have this policy, there has never been any kind of cheating, lying, or sneaking around. We find, confront and find a way to end the problem. In fact, there was info that I found sent to him from a mutual friend that made me stop talking to her as much and ask DH not to see her outside of work. He agreed and lets me know every time they have any kind of contact.