Same issues with sd10 different day, just need to vent
So yesterday I had problems getting sd10 ready for school, she continually tried to drag ass and refuse her meds, put on ill-fitting clothes, didn't want to listen, couldn't tie her shoes etc. Well, I told her daddy to handle it and she obviously charmed her way out of it. She said she couldn't help it, she was just so tired (even though she was bouncing off walls and hyping the younger kids up) and obviously dad thinks I'm overreacting. She comes home and as soon as she gets off the bus starts with the baby talking, yanking things out of my hand and being hateful to the other kids until daddy gets home then she's perfect little angel and has no idea why I got so mad that morning. Ugh. Well DH told her she was not to give me problems this morning. She promised to behave.
Well this morning I woke her up early and gave her her clothes, she got dressed and I woke the others up. Suddenly I hear my youngest SD arguing with my oldest when I asked why, SD6 said SD10 refuses to wear panties under her leggings and you can see her butt. I told her to go put on panties and she whined and cried about how all the panties in our house hurt... They're the same size and style as the ones BM buys. I told her to stop complaining and put on panties, she was not to go commando let alone at school. She fought me tooth and nail then went in her room and came back out but I dont know if she actually put on panties because I don't want to pull her pants down to check.
Then I tell her to take her meds. She told me she already did. I told her I didn't see her, but she insisted she did. I left it alone. They got on the bus and I counted meds but she had in fact not taken her meds. She has a therapist appt today and I KNOW that just like she tried to blame me about meds yesterday she will tell her therapist I didn't give them to her today. I so want to disengage but my husband works long hours and has an hour commute to and from so he's only here for a few waking hours and the rest is on me. I just hate how she switches to bratty as soon as he leaves but he doesn't see it.
Do y'all's DHs listen when
Do y'all's DHs listen when y'all throw down about SKs? Everytime I get serious about SKs and making them respect me (or more specifically sd10 since the others love and respect me already) he gets so hostile and defensive and says I just need to pay her more attention but my god she gets 100% of the attention in this house because she steals it from everyone else.. He just will not admit she's got terrible behavior problems. He says she's just acting out like a normal kid... I have five and this is not normal! It always turns into a blow out where he gets the last word and raises his voice and I just walk away because it's like talking to a brick wall.
No, he doesn't listen at
No, he doesn't listen at first...and he gets defensive. He raises his voice or gets really aloof. And when he's losing the argument, he compares his kids to others (they're not that bad!). Or he'll go extreme sarcasm - "Okay fine, they're the worst kids in the world!" Then he vaguely attacks my parenting. Or brings up a sore spot. Then he shuts down. It's the same tired pattern.
And guess what? I ignore his drivel and stick to the facts.
Why?
Because whatever I'm complaining about needs to be fixed for the good of our family. It's for his kid's future. It's for peace in our home. I refuse to back down, and I make it clear what he needs to do to fix the situation, and what I will do if he does not.
Men push back like toddlers whining for a cookie. Don't cower or give in. See your argument through, no matter how angry he gets, or else he won't take you seriously.
So you wake up every morning and take care of somebody else's shitty kid, for free, and then your DH gets defensive and tells you to pay more attention to the brat? And you're okay with that?
Either your man gets his child to behave or you stop taking care of her. It is that simple. You do not owe anyone free babysitting, not even your husband.
This is how you get your man to listen... tell him you're done watching SD in the morning until he MAKES HER BEHAVE... and if he doesn't, then follow through on your threat.
Also, you don't have to pull down her pants to see if she's wearing underwear. Have her pull one side above her waistline.
But really, I don't know why you're taking care of this brat unless your husband has your back 100%, which he clearly does not.
Omg I'm beginning to wonder
Omg I'm beginning to wonder if you and I are married to the same man! Only difference is I get tired of listening to him act all butt hurt and give up. I feel attacked just for raising awareness about behavior problems that, left untreated, will probably lead to jail time (not just the morning routine, obviously, but her violent behavior and blatant disrespect for authority)
Oh who has time to watch a 10
Oh who has time to watch a 10 yr old get ready in the morning, especially with other kids in the house? No thank you! I suggest daddy get her up and ready before he leaves for work (no matter how early) and let him deal with it. If it is super early, she'll just have to have an earlier bed time to make up for it.
not your monkey and not your
not your monkey and not your circus.
disengage.
Talk to your DH. Tell him
Talk to your DH. Tell him you have a time-management issue stemming from how SD needs more attention. You have other kids who need exactly how much they get now, and you don't have time to give SD any more AND still get everything done.
Ask him if there's room in the budget for a mother's helper for a couple of hours in the mornings. Maybe a teen from the high school can come over and give SD attention and make sure she's wearing underwear and taking her meds. Or you're willing to save the money and make sure she's clothed and medicated, but you need him to give it some thought first, because it means he's completely supportive of how your reach these goals while balancing the needs of your other kids. Either way, you support his decision and give him the contact info for the local high school and a sample flyer, with HIS telephone number and the start date being next week. If there's no mother's helper ringing your doorbell, then you can reasonably assume he's got your back.
If he doesn't, disengage with him.
I am aggravated to the point
I am aggravated to the point of tears now. I tried to disengage on DHs time with the understanding that I would care for her for the two hours before school where she was getting up and ready and otherwise he would deal with her, i thought he'd actually meant it when he saw how bratty/immature/embarassing she acted at the doctors office yesterday. Today he woke me up at 3:50 am to clean her puke and shit off the bathroom floor because he was running late for me work. I don't know why she didn't come get us but there was puke from one side of the bathroom to the other and her pukey clothes were on the floor and everything and I told him "nope I said I am not doing anything for her unless you're not home. You're running late you can run a little later." He said "fine, I'll get it when I get home just hope none of the little ones slip on it and hurt themselves and that's kinda unsanitary but if you're gonna be like that..."
I don't mind to clean up after them but when it's the one that's so mean to me and disrespectful and manipulative ughhhhhh I got so sick cleaning it up
Your sympathy is appreciated
Your sympathy is appreciated it's more than DH cared to give we got into it so bad when he called me from work! Ugh I'm still pissed. He thinks I'm so unreasonable I'm just drained this is the third day in a row we've argued about her. She is awful and I resent cleaning up after her. It's mean it's horrible it's absolutely hateful but it is totally and completely true.
You're right, I know. I'll
You're right, I know. I'll try again when he calls me on his lunch break maybe I can get my point across.
Thank you! That kind of
Thank you! That kind of support/advice is exactly why I'm glad I found step talk!
And now I get to keep her
And now I get to keep her home with me! Yay!
I should have! But no my butt
I should have! But no my butt cleaned it all up and got sick doing it.
Exactly and the smell and
Exactly and the smell and just seeing it... Ew. Plus the other kids have to get ready in the mornings one of them was bound to run in their and step in it... Ewwwwww.
Yeah, but if that's the only
Yeah, but if that's the only bathroom, and she's got other kids to take care of, plus, ew.
I would have cleaned it too, and then seriously invested in figuring my way towards retaliation.
In my own personal life, I can't even imagine my DH ever being so rude to me or behaving as though he truly believes I am the maid to him and SD. But if that were to happen, I would have to start out hoping I just misunderstood and that once I tell him how I saw his behaviour, he would back track and try to make amends.
If you've already told him this, and he's not taking serious action to try to fix this hurt, then you have no choice but to assume he's not interested in making you happy.
So I would lose my interest in him too. I don't know how long I would be willing to live with someone who treated me badly, who I no longer trusted, and who I was starting to care less and less about. Especially with puke and that awful child involved.
I know I do tend to be unwilling to push past a certain point in conflict, I'm sure there are steps between what you're going through now and leaving where something much better can be found. I just tend to assume - look, if the person I'm building my life with doesn't act like what I want is super-important, then I'm not willing to make their shit important either. And with that attitude, I'm outtie. You know?
THANK YOU! So I'm not
THANK YOU! So I'm not overreacting?! He told me I was just sleepy and grumpy and about to start so I should just clean it up and go back to bed so I'd lose the attitude! I was fuming! Guess who couldn't go back to sleep after that?!
So now revenge... How would you suggest I get back at him?
Lmao love the laundry idea
Lmao love the laundry idea but that would backfire god knows he won't do laundry no matter how much I tell him to so it would either sit and smell horrible or I'd wind up doing it. Ugh.
Hahaha!
Hahaha!
Ha! Psychological warfare,
Ha! Psychological warfare, great idea... It's pretending to be nice that will be hard.
There ya go! That's what I
There ya go! That's what I should do lol he would look hysterical at work
Well, the thing is, the
Well, the thing is, the revenge or retaliation is more a matter of looking for ways to stop showing DH your love.
Make a list of the things you do to show you love him. For me, I spend time looking for healthy recipes, preparing a variety of healthy, nutritious and delicious meals, he eats very well and really enjoys my cooking. I make sure the laundry is done and he has clean clothes, that there is food in the house for him to get his breakfast before leaving for work. I make sure he has shower gel, toothpaste, deodorant, and clean towels so he can get a shower. I make sure that he has time to relax and play with our kid when he comes home, even if there are chores for him to do and I've kept her up an extra 15 minutes to be able to have a story with him. I keep our house organized and tidy. I thank him for the things he does to contribute to our home, I tell him I love him, I tell him he's my favourite person, and I hug him. I give him kisses and touches when I pass by, and I listen when he wants to talk to me about something (even if I really don't care, like fantasy football).
If I stopped doing these things, I think he'd be shocked. There are days when I make less of an effort, and after a couple of days he always comes to ask me if I'm ok. On ocassion, I've stopped doing most of those things, and he's noticed almost immediately and jumped up to ask how he can help. Usually I've been sick, but once it was a communication issue that, in hindsight, he needed to show some leadership in.
So look at all that you do for him. And look for the things that you can stop doing without causing yourself or the kids too much trouble - when lives get entwined, it can be hard to stop one thing without affecting others.
Part of what you risk here, is the more you stop your 'care' activities, the more your caring feelings might stop too. What if that happened? Are you really willing to risk this relationship? Not to say it's not already at risk due to your DH. But what if you find out you don't feel the love you think you do? What then?
Oh honey this is just the tip
Oh honey this is just the tip of the iceberg with SD10. She has put all our other kids in the hospital (made one eat pills, yanked the baby up by his arm at the babysitters, pulled sharp objects on the other ones) she's a holy terror and BM won't discipline her because she has ODD and dad won't discipline her because he thinks she just needs more attention. Ugh!
And yes very old school, very bossy. We have five kids (3 sd and 2 bks) and our house still is expected to be spotless, food should be ready when he gets home etc. used to love being a mommy and wife, but I wouldn't mind if he'd help with the behavior problems but no his kids hung the moon. Don't get me wrong other two sks are amazing little angels who I think of just like my own but sd10 is rough! She acts one way when dad's home and different when he's gone then manipulates him to think I'm evil step mom.
And BM is in the picture but she's on drugs we just started doing 50/50 after doing EOWE for a long time because she needed "me time" and we were THRILLED to have them since Sd8 and sd6 wanted to be here so badly with us and baby half sibs. But sd10 obviously isn't happy here and trying to sabotage her time here so BM will take her back.