Losing my mind
I’ve only been a step parent to a 10 year old girl for just under a year. It was a great experience at first. She lost her mom to cancer right before her dad and I started dating. To add to the mix her dead mom’s family is very unhealthy (untreated mental health issues) and they have limited contact with her. When they do it’s like playing clean up for a week. Her attitude, lying, and being really crappy to me during the day and an angel when her dad walks in is really getting to me. I’ve tried to teach her structure, discipline and respect as she’s never had anyone really guide her. Her dad does but he works out of town and wasn’t home much prior to our relationship. I have her all day now that schools out, we live in the middle of nowhere and there aren’t activities to go and do within two hours. To add to the situation even more, we’re unexpectedly having a baby in the next two months... doctor said I couldn’t have anymore kids (my daughter died in 2015 at 33 days old due to medical conditions).
I have almost went home (California) but hate to end my relationship over his daughter’s behaviors. He tries to help me manage it but there’s only so much he can do or that he actually sees. He told me to get nanny cams so he can see what she does but I feel like why should I be a prison guard on top of a walked on step mom. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t need criticism but helpful suggestions please. I already feel bad that I’m feeling this way about his kid.
If he is her only surviving
If he is her only surviving parent, how/WHY does he have a job that keeps him out of town frequently? What did he do for child care prior to being in a relationship with you?
The video camera idea... Personally I wouldn't want to live with someone(s) that I had to have video constantly rolling in order to "prove" I was being "done wrong" or keep me safe from lies being told about me. That is not a good way to live.
Also...perhaps living in the
Also...perhaps living in the middle of nowhere is not the best place for "the family" to live. SD is at an age she should start being more social with her peers... and you are going to go stark raving mad out there.
I have actually heard good
I have actually heard good things about using cameras to catch skids true colors on camera for dads who don’t want to believe it.
However, why are you home watching his kid all day? I would put an end to that right away. If he isn’t home then he should find childcare. I’m sure he can find a summer camp for her until school starts.
How long ago did her mom pass?
I have tried so hard to find
I have tried so hard to find summer camps for her. The closest one is a day camp but it’s over two hours to get there, the other direction of where he works. Being 7 months pregnant i don’t want to be driving that far twice a day. She died a year ago.
Yikes! Why is this all
Yikes! Why is this all falling on you?
Honestly that’s so recent she’s probably really grieving the loss of her mom and needs her father around and also probably could use some counseling.
That doesn’t excuse her behavior but her being dumped on you like this isn’t fair to anyone involved.
Do you guys have any plans on moving?
He’s always worked out of
He’s always worked out of town. Right now he commutes everyday about three hours each way. He might be home an hour before she goes to bed. Before I was in the picture the neighbor watched her, before her mom died her grandpa had her... since the mom died they’ve all been disconnected. I agree on the camera thing I’m not living like that.
That is absolutely crazy. The
That is absolutely crazy. The poor child has been passed from pillar to post for so mong she probably thinks nobody wants her. And living so far from civilization must be making you feel like a prisoner. Tell your partner that it's time to move and to take care of his daughter a little more and his work a little less. He couild be gaining HOURS of transport per day, not to mention the cost of it, that could be invested in his family. It's time he got real!
Start looking for places closer to his work so you can start the ball rolling.
Yeah, that commute makes no
Yeah, that commute makes no sense. That's almost a full workday just commuting. It's almost like he doesn't even want to be around... any reason you can't move closer to his job and put an end to this?
Y'all need to move closer to
Y'all need to move closer to civilization. A three hour commute each way is REDICULOUS, in addition to putting stress on you and his kid.
We have nanny cams in our
We have nanny cams in our house. It’s awesome! I’ve caught which kid lies and one time I replayed it when my DH said something rude to me then went back and said he never said it. Ha! He felt stupid.
My mom told us that Dad was watching us through a wicker monkey.
it hung from a curtain rod and we younger ones believed her. It was totally impossible, but it also totally worked to curb our behavior. Maybe just consider that if the little girl knows that her dad can see her all the time it might curb her behavior too and this time it woudl be real!
Your mother is/was a genius.
Your mother is/was a genius.
"The wicker monkey is ALWAYS watching !!!!!!!!!!!"
Just the sound of that is terrifying and I'm 52-years-old!
You have to move so BF can take care of his kid
He May have to change jobs so he can be home at a decent hour to take care of her, HE must have weekends off. You are doing way too much taking care of this S.D. That BF number one job his DD. Moving to a more city type place where there are thing to do could be helpful. You are not S.D. keeperv
So did Dad start dating
So did Dad start dating immediately after his wife passed away, or were they divorced before she was sick? I’m just wondering why he continued to work away when he knew this was happening, why he moved on so quickly (if they were together when the mom died), and why HE hasn’t done a single thing to accommodate HIS child, when he’s the only surviving parent.
This isn’t working for any of you anymore, but your SO has his head in the sand because ‘this is how it’s always been done’. Well.... how it’s ‘always been done’ isn’t working anymore. He needs to step up, and quickly, because his kid freaking needs him to.
No offence to you whatsoever, but this poor kid has lost her mother within a year & is now living with a complete stranger, still grieving the loss of her mother, and her dad is where? At work? 3 hours away??? This isn’t ok.
Youre in the middle of nowhere from what you’ve written, either your SO gets himself a new job, a nanny for his kid, or you move. His poor daughter should probably be in therapy as well because she’s gone through significant changes & doesn’t sound like she’s had the support from the person she needed it from the most. She’s also been disconnected from her maternal grandfather, and, depending on their relationship, that’s likely caused issues as well for her. None of this is your fault, but none of it is ok either. I hope for all your sakes your SO gets his head out of his @ss & actually puts his family first instead of just what works for HIM.
Why do you live in the middle
Why do you live in the middle of nowhere, 3 hours from where the child's father works? I'm not sure of your relationship - are you dating him, living with him, married to him? Is there anything that really prevents the three of you from moving close to where he works so that he has more time with her? It's not fair to you or to her that you're doing all the heavy lifting with SD. You can be a support to them, but you should not be the primary caretaker. This child has recently been through the death of a parent - she needs her dad. As for the nanny cams - if he trusts you enough to leave you with his daughter all day, he should take your word for what his daughter is doing while he's gone without having to see it on camera.
Answers
So his job changes location based on where the union sends him. He’s lived on this piece of property his whole life. It’s easier for him to maintain this place than to move every time his job changes which could he 2 months, 4 months, etc. you never know how long each job will be. He was laid off for six months and this is the only job open with his union. He won’t work non union because he’d lose his benefits and retirement... already tried to get him to do that. He’s tired of being so far away and not being able to spend time with her too. He’s been looking for other jobs to switch to but there’s nothing so far that has come up. I know he’s doing the best he can I just don’t think he knows what to do.
Were not just that far away from his work but 45 minutes to a grocery store and 2 hrs from my ob office. Everything is a drive.
Technically when his late wife died they were legally married because of the health benefits. They had split up two years prior but right after she had her health problems start and so they weren’t together but that way she was on his insurance.
As as far as a nanny goes, I can’t even find summer camps or activities that don’t include a butt load of driving and being this pregnant I can’t be doing all that by myself.
I’ve told him things need to change that this isn’t working and he just feels like with time it would. I don’t know how to get him to see I’m serious unless I temporarily leave.
Oh oh and she is in counseling has been since September of last year.
Well I'm glad she is in
Well I'm glad she is in counseling. She must be going through hell right now with losing her mom so recently and being dumped by her dad as well. It honestly makes me sad reading this. But it isn't your fault, it's dad's fault.
The job situation.... meh ... I had an awesome job opportunity not too long ago but it involved a lot of travel so I had to decline since I'm a parent and those jobs typically don't work for parents unless there is another BIO parent at home. Unfortunately it is what it is ... he might have to come to the realization this job isn't working for his family and find something else, even if it means taking a pay or benefit cut.
You can not have it both ways
He can not travel to work that far, but you seams like you are ok with him working so far away time wise, but venting about SD. Unless you do something, any thing nothing is going to change.
That child is an orphan, and
That child is an orphan, and you are the only person actively trying. Your husband should give you full rights to parent as you see fit. It would matter if the child's mother was alive, but she is not. If you're actively trying to adopt an orphan to hold your standards and values, then it's your husband that isn't letting you. You can punish a child into submission, and build them back up with rewards. You can't do that with your husband.