Kids every weekend
Hi everyone, I’m new and this is my first post. Im struggling with my relationship at the moment because he just doesn’t get it or seem to care about my needs. We both work full time 5-6 days a week. He says he hates being apart from his kids so he takes the opportunity to have them every weekend. I find this exhausting as I never have a day off. It’s all work and someone else’s kids and that’s what my life has become. He says he wants them every wknd but every wknd I find myself babysitting because he goes to work or has something else to do. If I don’t have “plans” as such to go out anywhere, he just assumes kids stay home with me. Why say you want them every wknd when the responsibility just falls on me. I have tried to disengage and say no, or make other plans, but everytime he either he’s shitty that I’m doing nothing so why can’t I watch them for 10 hours, or expects me to some extent to have them before or after whatever it is I’m doing. I’m tired. I don’t know if I should just give up now. I should point out he is choosing to work too, he is his own boss.
Have you asked him
Have you asked him what the point of them being there is exactly? Since they are not seeing him him, it seems rather pointless. If he wants them for dinner, he can pick them up from their mother's house and take them for dinner. But having them spend the day staring at you is not "parenting." If he does not get that, make sure you have *firm* plans well in advance of the weekend for enough weekends straight that he either figures it out or you get tired enough of it to bail. You are not a free babysitter.
So train him. Have plans.
So train him. Have plans. Put it on the calendar. Week end work outs, girlfriend lunch dates, wine and cheese events, spa appointments, visits with your family, continuing Ed classes, etc.... If he is home... cancel the appointments and spend time with he and the Skids. If he isn't there... go to your "pre-planned" event.
There is no need for you to be his live in child care/beck and call girl. Equity life partnership requires an equitable investment from both partners. Dumping his prior relationship spawn on you isn't living up to his half of required investment. Raising children together is but only if he plays ball with you.
Good luck.
Yes I have tried having
Yes I have tried having breakfast plans with girlfriends. He doesn’t try to stop me going, but when I do this he makes a point of saying “I didn’t tell the guys at work the real reason you can’t look after the kids (my kids!!!) is because you have breakfast with a friend” as if it’s not an acceptable excuse. I’m beating my head against a brick wall to get him to even understand. Then when i say I just want to be appreciated, he argues that we have date night. It’s not enough. We should have date night one a fortnight anyway. Isn’t that just a requirement of being in a relationship? That doesn’t mean it makes up for all of the babysitting I get lumped on me. I’m so confused because I know he is generally a stupid boy, I just can’t find a way for him to understand that this is a two way street. Maybe he is just too hard to deal with overall. Love him to death, but I can’t go on like this feeling used and trapped into doing things.
At this point, it seems you
At this point, it seems you are at the point of potentially ending things if they do not change. The way I see it, you have nothing to lose by laying it out there. Point blank explain that you are in this relationship for HIM, not his kids. Yes you will treat them with respect and care about them as much as you can because they are part of him and they are important to him, but you need time to yourself and don't feel that it's fair to be expected to watch them when he isn't there. Tell him that you want free time, so from now on if he wants them to be there on the wknds, then he needs to stay home. That's it. I wouldn't even mess around anymore with trying to make other plans, etc...it doesn't seem like it's working and your SO is just trying to make it seem as if you are doing something wrong by having plans. Tell him that the current situation does not make you happy and is causing resentment towards him and skids, so it needs to change or this will not work out. And that you are happy to spend time with him and his kids when he is home, but being expected to watch them all the time when he could be home also flat out does not work for you. If you lay it out there and he still doesn't understand or try to change and stop guilt-tripping you for making other plans, I think you have your answer.
There were times when my SO had unrealistic expectations of me as well...he thought I should just have a wonderful relationship with skids, play with them outside, SS12 should want to come hang out with me instead of playing video games...I told him I have a good relationship with skids and I treat them well, but i'm in this relationship for HIM. He is the reason I stay. He needs to have reasonable expectations of me, as I am not their mother. My SO is trainable, so when I lay this out for him, at first he gets mad, but then he starts to understand and things have changed almost dramatically. If your SO isn't willing to work with you, I wouldn't be able to stay.
You are amazing
thank you for taking the time. I’m glad your SO has worked it out
Ill pay
Pleeeeeeeease can you come train mine?
Stop trying to make him
Stop trying to make him understand. And stop feeling guilty.
Who the heck CARES what the guys at work think? You have a LIFE!
So next time he pulls a "I didn't tell the guys at work..." type stunt just smile and say something totally uncommittal like "oh really?" and walk away. Don't let him suck you in.
his responsibility
I'll also add, that your SO needs to realize that HIS kids are HIS responsibility, not yours. If you want to go out all weekend when they are around, that's your choice. If he needs to work or wants to go out when his kids are around, then he needs to make separate arrangements, including asking you if it's ok and if it's not, finding a babysitter.
My DH used to do this a lot to his mom when he was single - assuming, she would take the kids whenever he wanted and she did, but in return, she felt entitled to meddle in his life. He used to do this to me on occasion, but I've now had to remind him that they are HIS kids, not mine and it's his job to entertain them, feed them, etc, when they are with us. If I do anything when they are around, he should consider it a favor, because they are not my kids and expecting me to just pick up the slack for him is not ok.
Also, BM tried to get DH to take the kids for more weekends and I also told him that, that wasn't ok with me. If she wanted to give him more time, then it shouldn't just be when she wants a babysitter or needs a break. He's their parent, he's not there to make her life easier. I even told him that I would make 50/50 work if that was really what he wanted, but I wasn't just going to give up every weekend. My SSs are essentially like houseguests when they come (they expect to be catered to, entertained, and not to have to contribute). There's no way I can handle houseguests every weekend.
He is his own boss, you be
He is his own boss, you be your own boss. Tell him, no, this does not work for you.
Honestly, if he has a problem with that, maybe he's just using you. Maybe you should move out. Are you married? How long have you been together? Did he have is kids every weekend before you?
I've been with my DH for 22 years and in the 13 years that my SD was a minor, I watched her a total of 4 hours, because DH HAD to work and he asked me if I would watch her. And for 2 of those hours, she was sleeping.
Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you.
Hi, not married but living
Hi, not married but living together. We have been together for three years. He had them every wknd before he met me but that had only just started happening upon his request which I personally believe was driven by guilt. He used to spend every waking spare minute with them and at the time I asked if that would be sustainable....it clearly isn’t!
If he had them every weekend
If he had them every weekend before you, I guess he wasn't working those weekends, right? So, there is no excuse for him to do it now, just because you are there.
If it was driven by guilt, how is working when they are there any better? I guess men like him feel that as long as the kids are in their home, they are being a good dad. Laughable.
He's completely taking
He's completely taking advantage of you. They're not your responsibility. If he wants to have the kids and also work those days, then he can get a sitter, which is completely different than a girlfriend.
Oh no. He expects you to
Oh no. He expects you to watch his kids and then guilts you if you have plans? Your gut feeling is right. What he is doing is unacceptable. He needs to watch his kids. You're not a babysitter. You have your own life. Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree and he is risking losing you. If he is working he needs to find a sitter or send them on a long playdate. I have a DD and if I have to work all day while she's at home, I arrange for a playdate well in advance and drop DD off at her friend's house. Luckily DD has good friends with decent parents so I can do that. I never ask DH to watch DD and I never watch my two skids. DH knows I won't babysit so he makes sure he's around for skids on skid weekends. Of course I'll do him a favor if he's in a bind like when he had to go to urgent care.
not good
I get on really well with my partner's kids and I enjoy spending time with them. But I am not free childcare. I have taken care of them (or one of them) when he can't. I have twice taken them back to BM's - a 5 hour round trip once for work and once for illness. I regularly take one of them so he can spend one on one time with each of his boys. This is a favour I provide. I have a bio kid as well, so he does the same for me - and the time when I hang out with one of his kids so he can be with the other is almost always when I have my bio son as well. I don't mind doing this, I want to facilitate his time with his kids and in some ways I think this is part of my role as his partner - as an adult in the family I help make the family work. BUT I would be pissed if he DUMPED his kids on me on a regular basis so he could go off and do stuff.
And he does the same for me. This weekend I was sick and he took my son out for the afternoon. Yesterday he picked my son up from his summer camp so I could spend a halfway decent chunk of time in the office instead of working at home all week.
You are right to feel resentful because you are being taken advantage of. His kids are within their rights to feel resentful being dumped with you - (even if they really like you!) because they are there to see dad. He has ZERO right to be crappy about your refusal and that is a MAJOR red flag. His behaviour is sowing the seeds of resentment and discontent in the family relationship.
Guys, and I hate to gender stereotype, seem to get some kind of emotional charge from just having the kids under their roof. I know my SO does. He's said so. Our kids get on really well, so sometimes they leave us boring old adults alone for long periods, but he is still happy that they are 'there'.
And more on gender stereotypes... just because you are woman it is not your job to look after children especially when they are not your children, but also when they are. You can be sure that if you have bio kids with this man, it will ALL be dumped on you.
I agree
I feel like he enjoys the idea of pretending we are a normal family and that I am Mum. He likes the idea of coming home to spend the evening catching up with the kids and hanging on the couch together. But that’s not what it’s all about. It has to be all or nothing (don’t have them every week) OR do have them by take care of ALL of it, not just the fun relaxing final hours. I feel like everyone in this forum understands me for once. I don’t feel so bad anymore. I should mention the kids are well behaved too, the only issue is with him not bothering to do anything nice for me once in a while and just expecting it. You’re so right.
See even if you were a
See even if you were a 'normal' family - it would not be your job to look after those kids half of every weekend on your own without any kind of reciprocity, especially if you are also working outside the home, too. I was married to a guy like that - a guy who basically got shirty if I wanted him to hold the baby so I could take a shower on my own. He used to leave him on the bed to cry and cry while I took a shower - so I couldn't even enjoy 5 minutes of no-baby time in a day while I was on maternity leave. This was his own kid.
Since you've used the word 'mum', I'm going to assume you're in the UK. I suggest a visit to Relate sharpish. And if you're at all inclined maybe go join a rugby team - that saved my sanity.
oops Australia, sorry -
oops Australia, sorry - forget the relate thing and do whatever relevant relationship counselling you have there. Good luck.
My SD was very well behaved.
My SD was very well behaved. It still didn't make it desirable, nor my responsibility, to watch her.
You are not a "normal" family and your boyfriend needs to realize that. His kids are HIS responsibility. Is he with you for YOU or for the idea of having a family?
Remind him you are in a
Remind him you are in a relationship with him not his kids. You are not a free nanny/sitter. Now one day if you marry him and several years pass down the road after marriage then maybe you can play stepmom. Even then you do not have the same rights as bio mom so why have the same repsonsibility? Explain to him you are worn out and he will need to hire someone. That will get the message across loud and cleer.
Tha'ts unacceptable, your
Tha'ts unacceptable, your partener isnt being fair at all and he is taking advantage of you. Those are his kids he shouldn't forget that. Why take them when he won't be there to baby sit them? Even if he will be there, the two of you need some time alone during the weekend, best you take kids one weekend and the following you don't. Talk to him about how you feel, men are dumb people sometimes they really don't know how the way they act and things they say makes us feel. So spell it out for him, if he doesnt want to understand and compromise then find somewhere else to be on weekends and he will hire a baby sitter for his kids, don't make yourself available.
His kids are there to see HIM
His kids are there to see HIM; not you. If he "goes to work or has something else to do", then his kids CANNOT BE THERE TO SEE HIM.
You need to point this out to him. If you have to work, the kids cannot be there. If you have plans, the kids cannot be there. If you two break up, the kids cannot be there.