Im a struggling step mom....
My situation is a bit complicated and my story will be a little choppy to try and cut down on rambling. I am divorced and have raised my ex's son since he was 4 1/2, he is now turning 16. I have no children of my own which makes my step son a very huge part of my life. Ive always wanted to have my own but just havent yet. My step son has had some trying times in his life. Lost his biological mother at 8yrs old and has had to deal with the struggles of his father and my dysfuntional marriage over the years. From the day his father and I started dating I have raised him as my own. Since the divorce his father has moved to Orange County and my step son and I reside with his grand parents from his biological mothers side in Southern Cal. (His grand parents are very generously loving people and appreciate all that I have done for their grand child over the years hense why they have taken me in. I mentioned complicated....) Well since we have been staying with his grand parents, life have been less stressfull. But lately, I dont know if its because hes at an adolesent age but he has been harder to handle. Major drop in grades(barely passing) and bad attitude.
He visits with his bio dad on the weekends. Bio Dads role is he is the fun parent, who takes him out, buys him stuff and has NO financial responsibility for his son what so ever. I on the other hand am the disiplinarian, pays for his medical insurance, the one who does the daily parent grind mon-fri. When it comes to responsibilty bio dad and I are like night and day.
Matter of the story, lets face it....I obviously cant stay at g-parents house forever. I have to eventually move out before I over stay my welcome. My current situation is Im moving out. How do I deal with the stress? Im scared my step son will phase me out of his life because I am moving. I feel he has adimosity toward me because I didnt stay with his dad. Who by the way cheated on me several times during our marriage hense why I divorced him. Im scared my step son is going to feel Im leaving him again, once because I divorced his dad and secondly because Im moving. Im not moving because I want to leave more so because in order for me to have a normal life I have to. I feel bad for moving because that would leave him with neither parent and only his gparents. I dont want him to think Im abandoning him. I work 15mins away and moving about 30min away but I will still be here to help with anything and everything I can. I know the move will be hard on him. Its bad enough he only sees bio dad on the weekends and now hes losing me on a daily basis during the week. Im having such a hard time and I dont know how to deal with my stress.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can keep a close relationship with my step son after I move? I want to believe everything will be alright but deep down inside I worry about how this move will affect my step son and how he will feel and react. It hurts just thinking about the day I will have to move my stuff and be apart from him but what else am I suppose to do? It is not an option to bring him with me. Bio dad will not allow it and because of that my step son would not agree to move with me either. Im a step mom torn....
Wow. That really sucks. I
Wow. That really sucks. I think you haven't gotten responses because nobody knows what to tell you. I don't know that I do either. Jeez...
I was going to suggest taking him but you already ruled that out.
What about going to court for some sort of visitation plan? Is that feasible? Maybe you get him every other weekend or something?
Here's the next question, will the BGPs support you if you press the BF for visitation?
Oh God. The next thing is this: If I were in your situation I'd just stay there. He's 16 right? In two years he'll be off to college. It's only 730 days. You can tough it out for that period of time. Clearly the kid is hugely important to you or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. Yes, you need a normal life but the best thing for him may be for you to simply stay in his life during this tough time, where his grades are suffering and he's going through adolescent trauma, at least until he's matured and is a young adult.
In your pickle that's about the best I can tell you. I'd just suck it up and stay for two years. Tough call but maybe the best of a bunch of bad options.
First, your step son is
First, your step son is blessed beyond words that you are in his life. You say you have no children. I'm not sure your step son would agree with you. You were there for him from the time he was 4 1/2 and helped him when his biological mother died. Her parents clearly see what a blessing you have been in his life.
You want to move on but you clearly love this kid--if you can find it in your heart to give him another 2 years, it would be an incredible gift.
You might also want to speak to the grandparents--is there some way you might be able to move out "part time" to get your feet wet and maybe spend a couple of nights or the weekends at their house?
I am in the same situation in
I am in the same situation in a way. I am 22, married and custodial parent of ss5. I am in college and run my own just me myself and i housekeeping business, as well as doing tutoring on the side. Dh is an independent contractor and most of his business is moving accross the country very very soon. We are faced with moving (which we have always wanted to do) or staying for family who is all here. DH will be making much more money and we will be able to support ourselves if we make the move. Problem: My parents financially support us about 60% now and like it that way because it keeps us close (very long story), my mother will absolutely lose it when we tell her we will be moving, BabyMomma is going to lose it and will probably drag us through court, and of course all our family is here. It is a really really hard decision but we have made up our minds that we are going to move and deal with the consequences as they come. You cant prepare for things when you dont know what you are going to prepare for. Just have confidence in yourself, and that you are makign the right decision for yourself and your family - its all you can do. Very very good luck on your journey.
Thank u everyone for your
Thank u everyone for your very supportive insights. I don't really choose to move but I feel I may be over staying my welcome. I don't want to make it uncomfortable with me and the gparents so that's my reasoning for moving. They are my strongest bridge to my son and I want to keep it that way. I've spoken to gma and she said I'm always welcome and I can visit anytime. I will suggest staying a couple days during the week to help out. His bio dad picks him up every weekend so I don't have any weekend time with him. Which makes it even harder for me because I have to be the one who has to grind him about school, cleaning his room, discipline him. While dad gets to take him to fun places and do cool things over the weekends. Makes me sad cause we don't have fun time or laugh as much as we use to. I'm trying to hold strong and hoping to pull through all this with some sanity and my son by my side. My son is my heart and the air that I breath. I just hope that one day he will realize how much I love him.
You don't need to tell him.
You don't need to tell him. He knows. And when he has kids of his own, he will know even more. You are an inspiration.