My DH doesn't allow BM to sign the skids up for anything on our time unless we want to take them.  In fact, BM just had to change a dance class she signed SD6 up for from our Monday to one of her own days (we do 2/2/5/5, so we have the same weekdays every week) because we had already agreed to SD8 playing softball on Mondays and we weren't willing to run ourselves ragged and spend every Monday evening going from one activity to another.  We also don't have the kids do more than one activity at a time.  Luckily BM here isn't crazy like your BM is and she agrees with that.  Also, unless there's something special going on, like a dance recital or a championship game, we don't usually go to skid activities on BM's time and she doesn't go to skid activities on our time.  (I grew up in an intact family, and rarely did both of my parents attend my games or activities - it was usually one or the other, and sometimes neither).  That leaves us two weeknights every week when there are no skids and no skid activities we need to attend.

We also have a standing date night each week, on a weeknight when the skids are with BM, and we get a sitter for our DD that evening.  We do family things together on the weekends we have the skids, and on our skid-free weekends we spend time together but each of us also hangs out with DD while the other does "hobby" stuff, so we also have time for our own interests.  Maybe one weekend a month, when skids are with BM, we'll drop DD off with my parents overnight.  They love having her and we have a completely child-free night to ourselves.  

Frankly, if your DH is going to attend his kids' sporting events every night of the week, I don't see how you'll find much time to spend together.  Something has to give there.  It sounds like you're the only one who is determined to not make everything about the kids.

I know what you are talking about.  Back in the day, we ended up with all 5 of ours (my 2 + his 3) full time.  He and I both worked after the initial years when I was a sahm.  I am not a ball of fire but DH was hyper.  How did we do it?  It seems like we got into a routine. We just tried to get thru each day.  I am not an immaculate housekeeper, that probably helped.  It seemed like I had to pick my battles.  I didn't stress about messy rooms or anybody eating nutritionally all the time.  If I didnt get the laundry folded, it went into a pile on a chair and the kids had to pick thru the pile to find things. We did demand that everyone treat each other and the world politely and fairly  I never raised my voice (but DH did).  They all had to go to school and graduate.  I didn't monitor their schoolwork nor drive them to school.  This was back in the 70s and 80s, there seems to be an expectation now that parents monitor and drive but I felt thst was their job: get yourself to school and pass.  

YSS was active in sports year round.   I drove to practices and games hundreds of times, especially in the summer when DH worked long hours.  That was a time drain but it was so good for him.

DH and I were/are wrapped up in each other.  We went out most weekends and had an active se* life.  We played cards monthly with two other couples for years.  I dont think we put the kids first.  Mostly, we were just clinging on for dear life and responding to each day's crisis.  I realize now that we could have done better with each child, thats if we'd only had that child to concentrate on.  I regret that.  But the upside is that each child learned how to live with stress, they became more street smart.  We had many, many of their friends here. Our boys certainly learned in depth how girls are and the girls became savvy about boys.  

I guess my main thing was cutting back where I could.  I didn't spend much time with my original family, friends, volunteering, etc.  I hired a cleaning lady periodically.  I saved my energy for DH and relating to the kids.  

Not easy being a SM.  It's my life achievement.  Lol.

What is with BMs loading kids up with after school activities?  Is there a handbook on how to be the most annoying BM or something? 

The adults at the heart of the blended family have to prioritize each other and their marriage/relationship above all else.  PERIOD!

Kids, regardless of biology, are the top responsibility but do not trump the adults and marriage in priority. Ever.

Beyond that... balancing it all is an excercise in "I have people for that".  You know, kids who do chores, keep their crap clean and organized, are polite, perform to behavioral and performance standards set by the adults, in an age appropriate manner......  and Xs who are kept in their places

And the most powerful word in any language.... NO!

These are the keys to balancing it all in a blended family.

Keep it simple.

IMHO of course.

He cannot possibly be successful by trying to make everyone the priority. Neither can you. Only you and his relationship with you can be his priority. Just as he and your relatioship with him are your priority.  Kids need this message and you and your mate modeling this for them is arguably the most critical message they can receive during their entire course of growing up. It sets them up with greatest opportunity for successful adult relationships and to raise their own children with the same example.

The whole jump through our asses backwards, X catering, kid worshipping travesty is a sure way to fail as adult, fail as an equity life partner, fail as a parent, and fail as an example to children of what to be a viable adult means.

Anyone who brings CODs or any other flavor of failed family progeny to a new relationship has already failed to model viable adult relationships to their children.  That cannot repeat and if it does, that parent has no business trying for a third time.