No, you are far from being too harsh IMHO.

Poople are treated as they earn.  In TT's case... blank her when the youngest turns 18.  I have never comprehended the "mother of" or "father of" thing when they are toxic evil POS morons. Just because they had sex does not crown them with any special status.  Sadly, these dipshits end up ruing the lives of the children who were cursed to have their gene pool sullied by these poople.

btw, "poople" started out as a typo.  I decided I liked it and let it ride.

People are treated with some level of respect.  If an X as the mother or father or "our" children earns respect, treat them with respect. If they are toxic POS manipulative morons... poople they are and are treated accordingly.

IMHO of course.

DH needs to call TT on her threat bullshit.  He should roll up his sleeves and tell TT "let's go" when she threatens court.  Be ready to highlight the abject failure to launch that TT is, FF is, and the new crap that Traitor/Munchkin is perpetrating.

If I recall correctly you are in an 18 and done with CS state.  Your close enough to the finish line to start destroying TT when she plays her threat games.  She can get her own car fixed.  Better yet, have her bring it to where DH works so he can watch when she is handed the bill for repairs at the cashiers desk when she comes to pick up her car.

DH needs to learn the sentence "I am not married to you." and play it over and over with TT.  Swap the word "you" with "your mom" when TT starts trying to get the FF and BS/Munchkin to play the pout to daddy card.

As for TT telling DH that he is Pussy Whipped.... you can have some fun with that one.  DH should point out that TT is pissed becaused DH is no longer going to be controlled and weak with her and she is now done as any influence in his life. Period! Dot!  Let her rot on the side of the road with her broken down car.

I would not waste the piss to put my XW out if she was on fire. The same with anyone in the SpermClan.  When they would play games with SS's travel money provided by us when he was on SpermLand visitation we shut that crap down in a hurry by not giving him cash. We gave him a ZRO balance debit card that we could load directly from our bank accounts online.   That ended up stranding the SpermClan at restaurants or gas stations a few times when they could not pay for gas they already pumped or a meal they already ate.  We would load the debit card for SS's flights out to SpermLand and when he would call us to let us know he arrived and someone from the SpermClan was there to pick him up we would pull all of the money back from the debit card.  

We had some entertaining ranting calls from SpermGrandHag when they were stranded for hours waiting for SpermGrandPa to come pay for their gas or bill at a restaurant.  SS understood.  He knew that they taking his money was wrong and that money was for travel emergencies.  SpermGrandHag would rant that SS's travel money was out of the CS she paid for her dead beat POS serially out of wedlock breeding son.

Ummmmm. Nope.   How could CS provide for SS's travel emergency money if it was buying our new home's, new cars, expesive vacations, etc.... as SpermGrandHag had been ranting about for years.  CS was either $110/mo  then $133/mo for 10 years then settled at $385/mo for the last 6 years after two years at $785/mo after the SpermIdiot no showed for a CS mod hearing and physically ran from the Constable who was serving him.

Boxing in the toxic opposution is one of those things that often has to happen.

No, he's not obligated for the rest of his life to help her because they made children together. That's ridiculous.

Am I being too harsh, considering that she continually degrades and demeans our relationship, diminishes and degrades me, him? Fights him on parenting issues, threatens him if he tries to parent?

Too harsh? No. Frankly, I think it shows how little respect he has for himself, and you, to continue to help somebody who demeans the two of you and your relationship.

He is whipped and being controlled, but not by his wife.

BM over here tried to tell DH that she would be in his life forever, he disagreed and told her that once CS was done, he never had to speak to her again. He has not spoken to her since SD was 18.

No way should he be there to wipe her ass. Divorce means they have chosen separate paths and now need to do things on their own.  I would have a big problem with this if my SO/DH was still running around trying to make her life easier. Fuck that. 

Nope, any need for contact ends when the womb rental fees are paid in full when kids age out from under the CO.  Unless the other side of the blended family equation is balanced and reasonable.  In which case do what makes sense. 

BM here is cooperative and pleasant.  She is supportive of my relationship with DH.  She occasionally tries to exert control, but for the most part is OK.  That said, the only reason we have anything to do with her, or her with us, is because of the skids.  Once they're 18, I cannot imagine we will have any contact with BM except for major events such as weddings, showers and the like.  We don't do her favors now, other than switching days from time to time and other things solely related to the kids.   I cannot imagine doing any favors for a toxic BM,  or maintaining contact with her for one second beyond the date the youngest turns 18.  Considering how he and you have been treated, your husband does more than he should just by working on the Troll's car. 

Divorce means he is no longer obligated to help out BM. Quite frankly, I would be livid whether skid was under 18 or not. I can only think of one time I helped out exH & that was definitely for DS benefit. They went to the Auto Show downtown and the train you would normally take to/from my home was not running due to accident. Of course I picked up my child & reluctantly gave exH a ride to his truck parked at my home. Mostly because my son would have been worried.

Clove, can you give examples of what he's still doing for TT?  Or are we speaking of past things?  IMO you have always been correct to be upset about these things.

As much trouble as BM here caused a couple of times, she never asked DH for favors, other than switching weekends or something like that, or something else to do specifically with SS.  DH couldn't stand her for one but she usually had a boyfriend to do favors for her.  It probably never even crossed her mind.  

Sounds like your husband gives in to the Toxic Troll to "keep the peace" but that doesn't work long term.  It causes a war somewhere else, either between the peacekeeper and someone else, or within the peacekeeper.  Either way he needs to quit.  Let her pitch her fit.  

The day ss turns 18 is the last day bm will be mentioned in our home. The only contact we have is through the lawyers and we are COUNTING THE DAYS until we are free. She's an ex because she's a selfish toxic person. She can take care of herself. At this point, if ss gets married or when he graduates he likely won't invite her. Her own kid wants her to stay away 

My general view is that all adults should be responsible to take care of themselves. So, no BM should be entitled to help from another adult that is not married to her. I also hate the "but that's the mother of his children" comment. How many people ever say, "but that's the father of her children?!" When a BM is causing drama or issues for the father of her children. Also, that woman is also an adult and therefore, shouldn't need help for herself. If there is something the kids need, then fine, up for negotiation (but still not something to be dictated by BM), but if it is only for BM or for something that is under BM's complete adult responsibility (e.g. BM's house) and especially if it's something that would be considered a husband's responsibility...then BM is on her own. 

I laid down the law with SO doing anything for BM. I thought it was ridiculous him fixing her car, helping her out, giving her money, letting hwr borrow his car. When this POS wouldn't even watch her own kids when he needed help. 

Over time he has learned that she was just using him, unfortunately it took him being burned by her over and over again to learn that lesson. 

I totally agree with ya.

People not in a step situation do not understand the dynamics. Who cares what some drunk ex says. Like really?? 

Your DH is married to YOU. Toxic Troll is the mother of their kids, but thats it. PERIOD. He has no obligation to help her. PLUS if someone is not friends of the marriage , regardless WHO they are, they should be put out to pasture. 

I think the favors should dry up if the other parent isn't doing anything to help themselves. Can't afford car repairs on a vehicle that isn't taking BM to work or the child to school? Why is that a default to Dad to be responsible for? The same w/ gas. If BM is doing nothing to remedy her situation or help herself, it's vinegar on a paper cut to have her expect your husband/family to do it for her. 

DH used to do "favors" for BM often. At Xmas he would buy her a Xmas tree and haul it up to her apartment. But it's for the "kids" he would say. He would leave from our house to go "buy the kids" fast food because they were hungry. Meanwhile, she lived around the corner from a Mcdonalds and he had to drive 30 minutes to get there. He did things like this fpr years. I eventually threatened to leave him. That's when he stopped. BM used to guilt trip him. He's one of those really nice, passive guys and she would use "the kids" as the reason for constantly infringing on our time. It gets old real quick.

Frankly DH should not be 'helping' TT at all but since that's the pattern he's established I wouldn't rock the boat now.

But he has to live up to his end of the bargain - once B/M is 18, TT should be banished from your lives, forever.

It is no longer the responsibility of the ex husband or ex wife to help the ex spouse, their responsibility has ended. If BM in my situation fell on hard times or something, we wouldn't help BM, but SD is always welcome in our home if that were to happen, we would never help BM because "it is helping SD" because in reality it is not SD's issue it is BM's issue.

My husband HATES and I mean hates the whole "BM is the mother of child/children" and I mean that in regards to anyone. He believes it is an excuse and if you aren't with that person only the child/children matter, not the biologicial parent.

Always be in the other person's life forever. Plenty of times we see abusive cheating partners who end up making a spouse/partner end the relationship and its no amicable. The abusive partner wants revenge and uses the kids against them.

my husband divorced his ex over 12 yrs ago, she has been married 12 yrs, played the whole innocent victim in court like the poor single mum housewife whilst already hooked up with hubby #2 in secret whom she was having an affair with whilst married to my husband a year before they separated. 
 

We got married 5.5 yrs after his divorce and about 3 yrs into our marriage when sd's re-connected after a 5 yr plus hiatus, they inserted their mum and stepdad into every conversation and trying to make them relevant to our family unit when they were not. It took another 2 yrs before my husband put his foot down with sd23 and said i am his wife, not his ex and my husband has no care or concern for the exwife and that she was not part of our family unit and it was tiring hearing eldest sd rant on non stop bullshit about bio mum and stepdad. She is remarried and somebody elses issue to deal with. She and hubby unfortunately had 3 kids together in the past, that is it!! There is nothing beyond that. Hubby has survived 12 yrs never seeing or having any contact with her. He paya his court ordered cs and that is it. 
 

he doesn't entertain anything beyond that or whatever sob story exwife has eldest sd send 

He must stop doing hubby duty's for TT or any BM.  BM is a functional adult

Shr should grt her own gas. Find someone to fix her car. No free labor, ended with marriage.  If he actually did something for his kids that different.  But not to help out TT.  BUT. He didn't care about his kids when he divorced TT .  ( I know many don't agree with me,  because the kids come first. To me there NO three way affair going on )
Your DH is still attached to BM.,He still worries about BM more then his marriage to you. 
 

That going to become a breaking point where his dysfunction will be too much for you.  And he will have another ex