DH Still Sees SD As Young Child
DH and I had a long talk last night...she got married a couple weeks ago and her simple minded mother took her out to some seedy bars for a bachlorette party. Just her and her mother..weird. I was invited but I would have rather ate glass and ran down the center of town naked as I did it.
I got the chance to see the pics from that bachlorette party...SD is only 19 and she was taken to some of the trashiest bars I've ever seen. Guys were hanging all over her..she was dressed in skin tight jeans, low cut shirt, and was so drunk she could hardly stand up. She was dancing in front of some guys and her mother was laughing in the pics like a raving lunatic. For one - she is a MINOR. In bars drinking..scantily dressed...if I was her fiance I would have been pissed.
DH never saw the pics but I told him about it last night...when I proclaimed that my daughter was 20 and I would NEVER think of taking her out to act like that, he promptly asked me to stop talking about it.
DH then told me he still sees his little girl as the child that he was throwing up in the air in a picture he fondly remembers..her smile and how happy she was at the time. He didn't want to think of his little girl being taken out to act that way.
My thoughts? Sorry daddy...your 'little girl' has acted this way for many years..it's not just because BM is an idiot and did it just this one night. He feels BM has corrupted his daughter..yet I feel his daughter has freely accepted this lifestyle on her own. SD is happy when she gets this attention from her mother.
It's a sick and twisted relationship and one I want no part of.
If DH wants to live in a dreamworld and fantasize about his daughter as she was when she was 5 years old, that tells me why he has chosen to let her run wild for so long.
I see SO MUCH how he blames the BM...yet he fails to see his own failure. He had the chance to leave the BM when she first cheated back in the last 90's..but he stayed. Afraid to be alone. So he stayed with the BM out of fear.
And for that...now he blames the BM. Bullshit is what I call. And I told him that.
Thoughts?
Completely agree with you. I
Completely agree with you. I know that my parents still sees me as a little girl, but they don't expect me to act like one. Seriously, don't get involved with BM, SD, and DH. Disengage. That's their emotional black hole. I tried to get involved and tell my DH that he is not doing the right things (common sense). He would not listen. There was a dark period of my life, where his problems and SD's problems are all I obsesses about. I was so bittered and anger all the time. No one wants to be around me. I did not even like me. It does not worth it. For sure, it will destory your mental health. It almost destory mine.
** Don't expect a crazy person to act normal... That only drives you crazy.
Exactly. You know what one
Exactly.
You know what one of the saddest moments in your life is? When you realize how much respect you've lost for the man you love because he just can't and won't deal with his spoiled, out of control children.
My DH is a doormat to his daughter..calls her 'baby', 'sweetheart', 'honey'....and she calls him 'daddy'.
They function on a childlike level. I don't think they've ever learned how to act as adults with one another. Because to DH if he did, he'd have to face his failure as her father.
DH spent so much time obsessing over his failing marriage and chasing after a worthless piece of crap human being he just lost sight of what his already drama-filled daughter was doing. She became a very possessive, jealous woman who doesn't know how to act any different.
And it's all the BM's fault...yeah right. And I have some swamp land in Hawaii I can sell ya for $5 an acre. DH will never get his head out of his ass and grow a set because his daughter has taken all his self respect away. And I don't know how much longer I can keep reminding him that he's lost it all. Deep down, he knows it. He just can't admit it too loud.
Because then he'd have to face himself.
Ha.. That's so funny.. I feel
Ha.. That's so funny.. I feel the same way about H and SD. Your articulated well. In our positiion, as wives, we can only do so much before call it quits. H and Sd is now living together. I am wondering how their honeymood is coming along. I am sure having a blast, not dealing with incest-like relationships, where H can not keep it straight. He does not know who the F*** is his wife.
Awww..honey, I'm sorry things
Awww..honey, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I am. Too bad a child can muster up enough bullshit - AND our DHs allow it - in a relationship that things end.
I love my DH dearly but I can honestly say I do not love his daughter in the way a parent should. I have had no opportunity to get to know her on a level of understanding to see why she is the way she is. I can empathize with her as to how she got this way - her parents allowing it - but I can't excuse she is now an adult acting like a child again. She is way too old to act like someone stole her blankie and daddy has to make it right again.
DH needs to grasp that he will NEVER be able to make things right until he acknowledges her as an adult and accepts she has become her mother in a younger form. I know you love your child, but he had better strap on his boots because he is in for a long and bumpy ride. He about lost his mind due to letting his ex control his life, now he pretty much bows to his daughter.
He has no boundaries..and when he tries to enforce them, he gets threats of never seeing his grandchild again. I'd call her bluff out..and tell her if she was that evil of an ADULT...then so be it. She threatens this when she gets called out on her lies by him. She cannot take being called a liar when she is the biggest one I've met to date.
Should get pretty interesting...she is still wanting money from daddy and so far he's told her no. Hard to say what she'll do when she sees he actually means NO - for once.
If SD19 got married.... she
If SD19 got married.... she is a woman now.... so for me... I would care less if she was traipsing around the bars on her bachelorette party. She was with her mother, (whether MOM is a lunatic or not... hahaha)
Fathers always have a hard time with their daughters growing up. No amount of dissention on your part regarding how they treat them like babies will change that. Believe me.
5 years later and my DH still does the same thing. Its because they love them so deeply.... and they were obviously doting fathers when the child was young and adored them. So they automatically revert to the those memories and hang on to them. Remember... those were the days when the DD ADORED THEM TOO!Now... she has no time for him.... etc..
Maybe it will change when his DD gets pregnant. I wonder myself.
Have you seen the commercial on tv about the father who gives his daughter driving directions, etc...rules....as he hands her the keys.... and she is like 4 years old in the front seat of the car... and she says... DAD! I'm not 5! And turns into the 17 year old.... the dad hates to realize..... and she drives away.
Every time that is on... I ask my husband... IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL? He says.... "yes. Its sad."
I think it is pretty common. Some fathers disconnect easier than others.
I think about myself and my three DD's.... and I can see that. I feel that way sometimes about my daughters... finding myself longing for the days when they were little and we were all together. Sometimes... I guess I mother them too much... when that happens they tell me. Then I feel bad. I just say.... I'm sorry. I just love you, that's all.
Good for your DH... I hope H
Good for your DH... I hope H can be like that. However, that is a distant dream. She has all access for a free checking account. I think it's really hard for H to accept that his daughter had turned is into a monster, because of his inability to say no. Don't feel bad for me. It's a growing pain I have to go through. Reevaluate my life and where is going. Learning to love myself like never before. I never knew that our marriage would end up like this, but that's the reality. It sucks but better now or never.