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Confessions of a guilty SM

Makingitwork's picture

I may come off as the worst sounding step mother alive here but I am going to confess something....

1. As much as I absoluely love our life and our children, both my bilogical and step kids, I am beyond relieved when the weekend that we have all of us in the house (every other weekend) is over and I have a week or so ahead of me with just DH, my child, and myself. 

Our step kids are wonderful. Thier mother is not. She is highly critical, demanding, always watching and waiting to tell the kids how she would have done this or that differently. As a result, our weekends are enjoyable, but also full of little comments like "mommy says we should eat less take out at your house" after we severed pizza at a visit, and "why don't you make your own peanut butter like mommy does, she says you should. It's better for you". Every day it's a new illness we need to treat because their mother has made a mountain out of molehill,  a new thing they want because mommy said they need it to survive (a hot water bottle or a body pillow).or a new battle over bed times or bath times because "mommy doens't make us do that" . The end result is 5 years of trying to anticipate where the next comment is going to come from and I hate that in the past I found myself putting way more effort into making sure things like lunches, outfits, bed times, and homework get done a perfectly as possible when we have all 5 kids with us just so I minmize what we would hear about next. Now I am a firm believer in not adjusting our behaviours to suit BM's or trying to please her so we do things our way in our home but it's like I still feel they have to be the best of our way if that makes sense just to avoid more drama. No matter what though we will hear about something at drop off. Things like "You know,  the kids said they really aren't loving the lunches you make them...they are used to eating so differently at my house since I make everything from scratch...I guess they will just have to get used to it".  

I am at the point where I have stopped caring what she thinks, but it still hurts like hell when despite all efforts and all love that I have to give given, I am still talked down to by the children on behalf of their mom. We have talked with them about two different households, two different ways of doing things but it doesn't help.  We have asked her to stop using the kids as messengers to push her various agendas and requests but she knows there is nothing we can really do to stop her so she continues here I am; happy as hell that it's Tuesday, that tonight the only mommy being talked about will be me, and yet missing my step kids too and feeling guilty at my own sense of relief. 

Sorry for the rant.

Lollybobs's picture

'I am at the point where I have stopped caring what she thinks...'

Good...this is the right place to be because you will never win. It won't stop and if it wasn't the food, it would be something else. Be prepared for many more battles like this one.

ESMOD's picture

Your DH should be stepping up and into these comments.. he needs to make it clear that just because "mommy says" things.. that doesn't mean they are always true or necessary... that he and his wife run this home the way we want..and see best.  and.. perhaps they would be better served by not piping up to share these things as they are annoying.  (he can call his kids annoying.. lol).

markwvualum's picture

Exactly. Why isn't the DH stepping in and defending you when his kids make these rude snarky comments?

bananaseedo's picture

Well, the way things are so bad on this board-when I saw 'confession' I was wondering what poison you were using to erradicate yourself of your skids...instead it's relief they are back to their mothers?  Honey.....there is NOTHING to be ashamed of or feel bad in even the most remote way, this is TOTALLY a normaly feeling in the BEST of situations.

Shoot, I enjoyed it when my own kids left to their dads to get a break, and I LOVE them lol

shellpell's picture

I would just ignore any "mommy says"  or "mommy does" comments. Just flat out like you didn't hear them. Same with BM. 

simifan's picture


Sounds like it's time for paralell parenting. I'd give a rote response of "Every person is individual. This is the way we do things in this house. Just like you and your siblings like and do different things." Then complete the tasks how you feel it should be done. Eventually they will tire of gettig no response from you. 




markwvualum's picture

-The vast majority of step parents do not love their stepkids like they do their own kids. 

-When you meet a man (or woman) with kids you are never their number one priority. You are often their second, third, or fourth priority. This gets old and wears on the relationship.

-Not spending enough time alone together and always having stepkids around will cause a divide in the relationship that will eventually lead to its demise. This also gets old too, fast.

Rags's picture

Not necessarily. My SS and my son are one and the same. His mom and I married the week before SS-27 turned 2yo. I raised him as my own.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.

My wife and I agreed early in our relationship that our marriage and each other come before all else. Including SS. He was our top marital responsiblity but not out priority.

Having time together has always been a critical commitment for both of us.  We had SS 24/7 except during SpermClan visitation time. (5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring).  We learned to enjoy our non kid time during SpermClan visitation though we would have much preferred that the kid not be exposed to the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool or their neglect and manipulation.

I agree that the majority of SParents struggle with love for their Skids. Particularly the ones with BKs. But, it can happen.

Siemprematahari's picture

Whenever the kids bring up "mom does this or you should do that" you SHUT IT DOWN right than and there EVERY single time. Your H should be doing this but in case he lacks the nerve I'd take over. I'd say it in a kind but stern voice, that this is YOUR home and things are done differently HERE. Whatever they do at moms is fine and dandy but that's not the way it goes down here in MakingItWorks home and they need to check that at the door.

Trust me they'll be tired of hearing you say it just as much as you are about hearing it from them. Your H needs to step it up in this department NOW. Nothing more annoying than kids telling you "what you should do and how mom does it".....

shamds's picture

life speaks volumes!! It says she isn’t confident of herself, that she is jealous and she doesn’t have a life.

my sd23.5 & 14 would enter our car and suddenly rant about mummy this and stepdaddy that and it went on and on. Their mum and stepdad are not relevant to us or our family unit but i also got to a point of not wanting to put myself in a depressing state of so-called quality family time when there was no such quality family time happening.

the day i told hubby that his kids weren’t worth me and our kids sitting throught this bs was the best day of my life. Because it was after that when hubby was alone woth skids that he really felt what i had been feeling. I and our kids was his distraction.

my hubbys exwife is jealous as f*#k of hubby and me. All those years playing the pity me party and trying to destroy hubby’s reputation didn’t work and karma hit her way

Climbmountains91's picture

Sounds exactly like our BM at the moment, trying to control and ruin our relationship because she has nothing better to do.