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Being asked to leave my home when the kids visit??

safyre745's picture

My fiance (Sam) is moving in with me full time at the end of next month when his lease is up. He has two kids 16 (Molly) and 13 (Ella) from a previous marriage. His kids want little to nothing to do with me as they are still hopeful their parents will reunite and they'll be a family again.

Recently the kids have stated they will not be comfortable being here if Sam is living with me full time as they will feel like they do not have a home with their dad anymore when they are with him. The kids have been to my house before and I've tried to make them feel welcome and prepare their favorite meals and plan outings with them.

The kids and their mom are requesting that I leave and get a hotel room or stay with friend/family member when they want to spend the night after Sam moves in full time so he can focus on just the kids and they can feel like my house is their dad's home and be more comfortable here.

Sam says no way, that this time they need to adjust and accept because he's catered to them and their whims since the divorce 6 years ago and he sees them every week. That it's not ok to ask me to leave my home when he's moving in with me and I've been really good to them when I see them. I already tolerate being excluded from a lot!

The kids are refusing to visit if I stay there when they come over and their mom is saying she won't make them because it will be uncomfortable and traumatic for them to see their dad living with me and they are still struggling from the divorce and need to see their parents as a united front. The custody agreement us 50/50 on paper but there is no set schedule. 

I know Sam wants his kids to come over and I don't blame him for that but I refuse to leave my home to make them happy and so it can be like I'm not part of the picture anymore. 

Am I being unfair to my fiance and his relation with his kids if I refuse to leave every other weekend??

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Do not have him move in. I know that is not what you want to hear - but if you read around this site you will see that there is nothing but misery for you if you let this man move in. It is great that he is willing to stand up to his kids, but this is a no win situation. If he moves in and insists the kids come half the time, one of two things is going to happen. They will come and make your life miserable, or they won't come and eventually he will resent you for the bad relationship he will have with his kids.

I just looked at your bio - what are your kids supposed to do while you are out of the home? Are they supposed to leave also?

How long have you been involved with SO?

Stepdrama2020's picture

Congratulations on your marriage.

BUT the BM and cant get a grip on reality SD's will always be a thorn in your side.

Your fiance is supportive, so thats good. How long will that support last? Will he sucuumb to the manipulations? That will always be on your mind. Make sure he is worth it because you are headed for a bumpy ride. 

I truly hope I am wrong, but your pre marriage has been marred by the two lil B, and the major B BM.


Winterglow's picture

There is abolutely no reason for you to leave your home for his kids. Absolutely none. Your SO also thinks you should stay.His opinion i that they should get used to the idea of you and him being together and he is right from all points of view. If they don't come over it's because it's their choice. They do not get to run your life or their father's life. End of story.

safyre745's picture

My older ones are in college and my younger dd would go to her dad's she drives a bit and goes back and forth as she likes, she tries very hard to not lose her shit at the future sds'. My ds7 is on an opposite schedule so he's rarely around df kids as is, but they adore him tho!

JRI's picture

Hiw dare they even suggest something like this.  I'm glad your fiance understands and backs you up.  I'm concerned that you are walking into a toxic dramafest with BM and those kids.  Its easy to say, "That's his problem how to see them" but how is this going to work out on an ongoing basis?  I wonder why he hasnt ironed all this out by now.

safyre745's picture

I guess they never thought or it didn't occur to them that when we got engaged and started planning our wedding that we would like together?? Idk. Maybe they thought it was a joke or not going to last??

Kaylee's picture

It is YOUR home.

Sam's children have ZERO right to ask you to leave when they visit.

What planet are they from???

shamds's picture

To leave your home that you own so skids can play princess precious and pretend you don't exist!! The audacity!!

If you are married and your husband asks you to vacate your home he has no respect for you!! At least in your case he is calling absolute bullshi* on their attitude and behaviour.

when 2 people divorce, they can meet other people and remarry and its bloody time they accept it. If they have 50-50 and bio mum is saying she will go against court order, file her for contempt so the kids are held to it. Kids don't get to have this amount of power.

they start with this little one thing then another and another till their alpha female miniwives trying to actively rid you from your husbands life. 

shut that shitshow down now!!

i refuse to attend any meets or events sd's will be at. Too much stuff happened thats crossed the line and they have actively tried to play fantasy family and rather my husband not spend time with our then 1 & 2yr old just to pamper them. No just NO!!

strugglingSM's picture

If they are still struggling this much with their parents divorce 6 years on, they need to find a good therapist who will help them move on.

If they don't feel comfortable, then I guess they will need to stop visiting with their father. He should have a heart to heart and tell them that he loves them and he wants to see them, but you are part of his life and you have been kind and welcoming to them, so he expects them to accept you.

It sounds like BM is the one who hasn't moved on and she is seeing just how far she can push to continue to control your SO's life. 

Rags's picture

Now Sam needs to smack BM with a contempt motion every single time she fails to surrender his kids for his COd visitation.  They visit him where ever he says they visit him. Particularly they visit where he is living whether it is your home or not.


Thank him for having tresticular fortitude and knowing where his priority lies for me.  It is good to see a man with confidence and brains as a man, husband, and father in the blended family world.  Far too many are ball-less, intellectually stunted, wilting delicate flower non men instead of strong willed, confident, intelligent men/fathers/husbands of quality.

justmakingthebest's picture

At 13/16 these girls have the ability to make your life hell. If they refuse to visit fine. Good on your BF for refusing to give into their demands. 

Also, something that was hard for us to do but we have done is- No visits, no perks. Relationships are reciprocal. If they refuse to visit that means no back to school shopping spree. No vacation. No Christmas gifts. No birthday gifts. 

You/ your BF can buy them things, wrap them and stick them in a closet. When the realize that they don't get to dictate their father's life or relationship, they are welcome to come over and start being a part of the family you and your BF are building, they can get the perks of being in your family. 

The_Upgrade's picture

It's always harder to undo an agreement once the dynamic has been set. If you agree to this just once, you'll be painted as the bad one for going back on your word if you decide you want to stay in your own home. Like if an insane adult stepdaughter asks to move in for college and completely trashes the place, who's the baddie for kicking her out? The evil stepmother. The right thing would've been for the dad to firmly step in and say "no, this isn't happening" right from the start. 

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you think what they're asking is reasonable, I guarantee you'll resent him so much for picking the holy first family over you that it'll kill any emotions you originally had. If they want to meet up elsewhere, that's on them. Your home is untouchable. But if you rush him into moving in with you and the girls spit the dummy, you'll be stuck with at best a moody moping husband and at worse a resentful one who'll blame you for making him choose. 

He needs to put his girls in counselling ASAP. And he needs to go too. I've been there, married to a man who couldn't say no to his daughter's outrageous self entitled demands. And I watched as he bent over backwards to keep her happy, furthering the dynamic where the world was her fantasyland. I lost so much respect for him and the brutal truth for me was that he wasn't in the right place to be in a new relationship. People shouldn't put themselves back on the market until they have their previous family shit sorted out. But more often than not they don't, they throw themselves into the next relationship dragging along all the dysfunction of the last one.

shamds's picture

Change and are being all kinds of ridiculous and his relationship with his spouse is a priority  but sadly not enough have the balls to lay this down on their kids that what they say goes. 

my husband was divorced from his ex already 9+ years and bio mum had remarried to ger affair guy days after divorce was finalised, turns out she was having an affair before even separating from my husband whilst in court playing the poor innocent wife traumatised her husband was divorcing her. 

it was perfectly acceptable for bio mum to remarry and call stepdad daddy and sing him praises when he kicked you 2 out of his home so he & your mum could pretend you didn't exist but how dare your bio dad whom you abandoned 5+ yrs remarries and has 2 kids with his loving caring wife, how dare he!! 

its the same hypocritical bs. I guarantee when the bio mum is dating or remarries, there are no issues, the issues with op that skids are creating are likely bs biomum has brainwashed non stop 

SeeYouNever's picture

Your fiance is with you on this, that's great. BM and the SDs are emotionally blackmailing him to see what they will get away with, don't let them get away with anything.or they will keep.pushing for more ridiculous things. 

My SD started insisting that my DH take her to resorts and hotels instead of our house after a similar thing got started. 


TheAccidentalSM's picture

My BIL's girls kicked off a massive fit when he started dating following the divorce with their mother.  (Note:  I think my BIL is an idiot.  His two grown up professionally employed daughters live with him rent free with zero obligations to keep the house running.  They are fairly feral after a childhood with an alcoholic mother, witnessing her attacking their father physically and having constant scream arguments with everyone in her vicinity.  So BIL is Mr Disney.)

My MIL spoke to the 2 daughters and asked them how they would like their father to decide that they too couldn't have relationships.  MIL is annoying but she seems to have hammered some sense into the pair.

However, BIL's GF is not moving into his place.  She is a smart woman and can see that BIL is ok to date but not marriage material with the two girls as a huge amount of baggage.

Gimlet's picture

Hey OP,

I won't link to them, but I subscribe to AITA on Reddit and I saw your posts there.  I hope it's OK to give the posters here some additional context because I think it's important.   Even most of Reddit, which has little love for stepparents, said NTA by the way.

OP's fiance still spends holidays and birthdays at BM's house with the kids, arriving in the early morning and not leaving until the evening.  He also attends dinner and watches movies with them at BM's house 3 times a week.  BM has explicitly stated that OP was not welcome.

Fiance had agreed to stop this, but is now backtracking on that promise.   He says he is not ready because it's important for the kids to feel like a "real family".  No wonder BM and the kids feel entitled to ask you to leave your own home.  This is completely your fiance's doing.

OP, I am going to echo some of the folks here and on Reddit.  This relationship is going to bring you nothing but misery.  You are being treated like a mistress, not a legitimate fiancee.  Your SO is still emotionally attached to his ex wife and that is not going to change.  

The youngest child isn't biologically his, BM walked out on him and came back with the child and he has raised her.  It sounds like if BM wanted him back, she could have him.  He has zero spine with her. Honestly, I think he's probably still involved with her.

The kids have been in counseling for 4 years, but it probably isn't doing a lot of good since nothing in this scenario is pushing them to move on.  They've told the fiance that since their mom isn't happy, that he shouldn't be either. I can't believe OP has made it this long, honestly.

OP, you need to cut your losses, grieve, and move on. You can do so much better than this.

shellpell's picture

After reading the additional background info, I 1000% agree with this! He's still playing happy families with Bm and skids?? No wonder. I don't doubt that he would go back on his backing of you and will blame YOU when he can't have his girls over.

safyre745's picture

I had someone message me on reddit suggesting I try this site. I don't get these kids. They've been around me when Sam has them. I've spent time with them, cooked for them, taken them places, played board games with them, done hair and makeup, etc and it's gone great, or I thought it did. Kids told San they think I'm awesome and they really like me. Until he asks me to marry him and when he told them we were getting married they flipped a switch and flipped out. Suddenly they felt like Sam is abandoning them, there's no more family for them, that Sam is writing them off and he should have gotten their permission before asking me and they feel he did not put them first in this situation and they are not coping well at all. Especially the younger one who is not Sam's bio child and is freaking out feeling like she's being ditched by 2 dads.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

We've all been through the wars and give advice from the heart.

Gimlet's picture

The problem here isn't the girls.  The problem here is Sam.

You commented that he isn't very good at discipline (sorry, if you want me to leave your Reddit content out I will, there was just a lot of good information there) and he's bent over backwards here.  He's divorced, but not really.  Not when he's still acting out the fantasy that he and their mother are still together, because his kids are getting a heavy dose of that.

His marrying you and trying to stop playing the happy family is a huge threat to the delusion.   Until then, you were/are just sort of hanging around on the side, doing nice things for them but not threatening their "real" (and I will use that word since BM does) family unit.

Now they think that is going to change and they are freaking out.  I mean, of course they are.  BM doesn't like it either and she is very used to your fiance being available when she wants him.  

If he pulled a bait and switch on the thrice weekly dinners and holidays, he's going to do the same here.  It's not like he's miraculously going to grow a spine and set boundaries. 

I really think you need to think about the kind of life you're going to have with this man.  He's really enmeshed with his ex, OP.  And those kids aren't going away and at this point, they don't have healthy expectations either.

safyre745's picture

I never asked him to give up his dinners with the kids. I'm asking him to start new holiday traditions as a blended family because imo, the kids are old enough to accept the divorce and move on. I'm not worried about Sam and bm doing anything. He's repulsed by her and her multiple affairs from their marriage. I do think bm wants to be with Sam tho, as she sometimes texts him pics of them together or from their wedding talking how it was the best times of their lives. Sam deletes it and tells her to sod off with that bulletin. He rips into her big time over the phone but never around the kids, he refuses to fight in the presence of the kids and I get it, they are team bm.

Gimlet's picture

OK, then he's backtracking on the holidays.  Personally, I think the dinners are an issue because they contribute to this idea that he and ex and kids are a "real" family with no room for anyone else.

I'm sure some of the others will have some insight, but no way could I live with this.

Best of luck to you.

Winterglow's picture

Dinners with his kids are one thing but he shouldn't be having them at his ex's place! He can have dinner with his kids anywhere he wants but not there! Why do you think they can't accept you and your place with him? Because he's created and is maintaining the illusion that he and his ex are a simili-couple - good grief, they've been divorced for six years. Of course the kids hate you - you're interfering in their idea of family life

These pretend family dinners have got to stop! For his kids sake if not for yours. 

Mamabearof3's picture

Him and BM have a very inappropriate relationship. I would tell him to cut all contact with her. 

ndc's picture

With the additional background laid out by Gimlet, I would say this man is not ready to date, let alone become engaged and move in with OP.  I would not let him move in, and I certainly would not marry him until he got counseling and cleaned up the mess that is his first family.  If that wasn't done fairly quickly, I'd move on.  He simply hasn't done the work post-divorce to be ready for another relationship.  Without that, the new relationship is going to be misery for his partner. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

This is a mess and will only get messier.

Everyone with blame the OP for the change in the family dynamics.  For 6 years post the divorce they were stilling playing happy families and then bam: In arrives the step witch to ruin everything.

Of course they are all deluded but this will not stop you being the whipping boy.

[Some of this reminds me of a friend from college.  She used to go on "family" holidays, etc with the ex.  But she had a slightly different delusion.  She she couldn't understand why the random GFs of the ex (who were in it for the $$$$) didn't kick up a fuss to spend time with her kids.  She wanted them to love her children as much as she did.  I had explain that would never happen.] 

Dogmom1321's picture

I agree with all of the above. If his kids have a problem with you being at YOUR house, they can go elsewhere to see their dad. Coffee, lunch, whatever. But that will be THEIR choice. 

Delilah's picture

I am going to be brutally honest with you. Your OH is backtracking on already agreed upon conditions in your relationship, that he cease his absurd playtime with the first family (who are teens btw, not toddlers) and his "dates" with the ex...why do you think the same scenario will not play out when he moves in with you and he ends up insisting you cease your attempts to interfere and control his relationships?!!! If you don't believe these preposterous demands and game playing will esclate then watch and see your already spineless partner crumble to the trauma you will be accused of compounding. Meltdown in t minus ...

You have dated 3 years and in that time what drastic changes have been made and sustained?!! What is SO attractive about this man child, that you allow him to disrespect you like he has and is? imo just sucking you in further to get his feet under your table, a warm body at night to use (hence the current yet momentarily fake disgust at sd's absolutely ridiculous demands). He is lying to you , and the fact you are  frantically burning down all those red flags while your OH is just as quickly erecting them through his screwed mindset is going to eventually destroy you. You shouldn't be moving him in let alone shackling yourself further through matrimony, but I would bet $$ you will ignore me and everyone else who has learnt through bitter painful experience. You can't say you haven't been warned. 

safyre745's picture

I kinda get it, it's not my first sm rodeo, it's just completely opposite from my other one!! Sam is a doting dad and caters to his kids while my ex tried to act like his didn't exist and expected me to do everything for them.

Delilah's picture

They may be at different ends of the spectrum however you have picked individuals who are extreme within these brackets - one with neglect through indifference, the other who is ruining his teens with SUPER worship and coddling. Your OH is stunting his DD's growth with his next level indulgence , it's not nurturing in a healthy capacity! Can you not see that? So many men will say anything just to get you to shut up and so they get what they want.

I am betting your OH desperately wants to move in and get married, you are literally handing away any bargaining power you may have by letting him in your bed, house and accepting a ring (I am sceptical he will change even if you said no to the sex, moving and marriage as he sounds committed to this destructive path).


Esperanza's picture many red flags here ! I would run if I were you.

you are being so disrespected in so many levels! Your SO is has zero boundaries and zero consideration.

no, just no 

Merry's picture

Oh boy. This is a mess.

I had a girlfriend who thought it was so great that her ex came to her house and made a pancake breakfast for her and their teenaged kids every Sunday morning, just like they used to do when they were married. And then she'd call me Sunday evenings crying and crying about how he left her and things are so good while he's there and why can't he just come "home." Seriously, those pancake breakfasts were a terrible idea that prevented her from moving on and gave the kids a false view of their parents' relationship and false hope for the future.

Your Sam needs to END IT with BM. And his kids need to accept that their parents are no longer together, and they no longer do family things together because they are no longer a family. Doesn't mean the parents don't love the kids. This has been going on so long that those kids are going to need some serious therapy so they can accept the reality of the world and not this fantasy that their parents have been showing them.

As for you, I'd not be moving forward with him moving in OR a marriage until all of this settles out. And that will most certainly take time, far beyond an October wedding date.


hereiam's picture

Are you being unfair for not giving in to the demands of two spoiled brats and leaving YOUR home? Absolutely not.

Sam needs to stay in his own place.

His kids are like this because he has catered to them and played happy family with them and BM for the last 6 years.

Is divorce traumatic for kids? Yes, but these parents are not helping them deal with it properly. Why get divorced, then pretend to be a family?

Why have you put up with this for 3 years?

There is no way in hell I would marry this guy.

Ispofacto's picture

Holy Hell.

This guy has some serious mental health issues.  OP, please get some therapy to explore why you would try to commit to a man who is not emotionally available to you.


simifan's picture

The fact that they would even ask for you to leave is a HUGE red flag that your SO is a Disney dad. The information with from Gimlet makes it even more so. He already has a wife & it ain't you. His children believe they run the show and can tell him what to do. He spends three days a week playing happy family with the ex? OMG. Why is he dating much less engaged? As soon as you found this out you should have run away screaming.  

Is your SO prepared to lose his children forever to marry you? What if they don't visit? In 6 months will he give in and allow his spawn to make your life hell? Will he resent you if he loses his children? Are you supposed to spend holidays alone while he plays happy family with his ex?

At the very least, I would suggest pre-marital counselling to hash out a host of items such as parenting and expectations - rules, chores, respect. Although, I agree with just about everyone else here. He is already in a marriage & they simply no room for you - no wonder they think they can ask you to leave the home YOU Pay for. You deserve so much better then a man who gives you crumbs from the first families meal. Find someone who wants to build a life with you. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

Nothing we tell you is going to change your mind about marrying this guy. However, at least be mentally prepared that this is going to be HELL on earth for you. Please don't enmesh your finances, don't share bank accounts, or credit cards, keep your finances separate from DAY ONE, it will be easier to walk away if the finances aren't all mingled together.

Harry's picture

Do not let SK control your home. You are the king of your home.  
let your SO take his kids to Motel 6 to do his dadddy kids visit.   Put your food doen. If SK come over they must respect you.  You are part of the family or to Motel 6 they go

SteppedOut's picture

I am not a "huge" therapy person - it is not something I think everyone needs. (JMHO)

That being said, OP... girl, you need to see one to help you come to terms with the fact you DO have self esteem deficiencies. No way in hell you should be accepting this from a bf, much less a "fiance" that has moved into YOUR home. 

You definately do not need THIS man to be happy. You do not NEED any man to be happy. 

Misstepped's picture

BM and his princesses are still trying to manipulate him and see if they still hold the power over him. They have for 6 years so they are going to try it on.

I'm glad he has seen the light and decide to put an end to this shit. Not all men do. He is willing to take a stand for you which shows he is willing to put you first. My father did this to us (his bio's) and refused to speak to us for years. Now we are all okay with the situation and I don't mind my SM. But I also now live in the same situation as a SM and my partner constantly caters to the requests of BM (the queen) and the skids (princes) 

I dream of my DH taking a stand like this. I think support DH in supporting you. And yes there will be kicking and screaming until BM and skids realise they can't control him anymore. He may get the guilts and you may be able to help him not feel guilty. But I can tell you that eventually the skids will adjust and BM will go back into her hole. They won't do this any other way without DH standing firm. Good on him! He's one of a kind.


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'd you move forward with this man things will not end well 

BM and SKs gave already stated thier position. BM is the puppeteer and SKs are her puppets. Up until this very moment your SO was willing to comply with BMs demands. BMs belief and confidence is her ability to control your SO isn't going to change. 

You already know BM has created these ridiculous traditions and rules in hopes of reuniting with your SO. Her intentions aren't going to change because you are in the picture or your SO is attempting to set boundaries.

All that is going to do is result in BM experiencing injury and rage. She is going to work harder to maintain her control. You can guarantee that if your SO follows through with moving in with you and marrying you. BM will PAS the kids. SKs will believe that SO hurt BM and broke up the family because if you ou will be enemy number 1.

Your SIs behavior up until this point has been to cater to BM and SKs. So in reality you are the driving force in his decision to set boundaries. But that is obviously not his nature.

How long after SKs stop seeing and talking to SO do you think it will be before he breaks under the emotional blackmail and starts to give into their demands in order to see his kids. How long before he starts to blame you? 

Findthemiddle's picture

Hope this works out.  You've been given a lot of good advice. Good luck.  

Rags's picture

than a long relationship with a subjugated pussy who caters to his X and their failed family progeny.

With  your backbone and support, Sam may just have a chance to live up to the expectations of a real woman who will tolerate nothing less than an equity life partner with confidence and the testicular fortitude to prioritize their relationship and defend their relationship and mate to the ends of the Earth.

If...... I were a woman. 

As a man, my incredible bride knows that there is no one and no situation that I will not have her back, or more accurately, be at her side to deal with.  Ditto for her being at my side.

Stand your ground.  A quality equity life partnership between confident, capable, committed viable adults is absolutely a hill to die on.

As for his X and their failed family progeny, they learn the new reality... or they forfeit their X/father. My parents would laugh me into the sunset if I tried to pull the shit with either of them that Sam's crappy kids perpetrate against him.  As for his poor choice of womb donors for his children, who gives a crap?

Most likly, X will be completely cut off and irrelevant in the next 5 years once both of the spawn are 18 and have aged out from under the CO.  The girls only have that same horizon to extricate their heads from their young asses and be held to a position of respect for their father and his marriage .... or .... they can figure it out on their own time and own dime. Once any support from daddy is no longer COd they will have to earn every Cent of support from daddy, and from you.  Use this time to set the message absolutely firmly and as painfully as neccessary to drive clarity and proper and respectful behavior.

IMHO of course.

IMHO of course.

nappisan's picture

it wont and doesnt matter what or how much you do for these kids,, you will still get the same result with these skids!  dont even go down the road of trying to please their every whim , it wont work !!!  and DO NOT leave your home becasue they are requesting it ! stand your ground now as you are going to be in for a bumpy ride.  sounds like this BM and skids dont want you marry their dad and are going to do anything in their power to cause stress for you. 16 & 13 years old have the potential to make your life misery and they are going to for years to come !!  stand your ground now 

Disillusioned's picture

His kids need to suck it up, especially at their ages. 

If they can't, maybe he should not move in

Or maybe he can take them out for dinner or somewhere other than your home during their weekends so they have some alone time with him, but have to grow up and accept you as part of the team for the rest of the weekend

Skids like this so make me sick, been through it with my OSD and it's so unfair

She insisted she only see DH without me, and for awhile they tried that outside of our home (DH's & mine) but DH got sick of her constant complaining and trashing me and whining. He also just didn't think it right that he could only see his daughter if I was not allowed ot be a part of it. He finally told her no, that was not happening any longer. She has walked out of his life on again off again since. She doesn't want to not see her father, she loves DH (very much a mini-wife wanna be LOL) but she has never been able to get over her problems with me

She also insisted that her BM's partner (OSD's SF) leave their home whenever she visited BM. This was not when she was a kid (she gave BM an ultimatum as a teenager and lost - BM moved her in with us - don't get me started on that) but as an adult married woman with children, insisted BM's SO leave his own home when she visited at Christmas time to boot. When he rightfully refused, she withheld SGS from his granmother BM

Now BM's marriage is over, she sees her grandkids all the time, and DH is excluded from seeing OSD and her family

So disgusting!