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Anybody go thru this too? Being "dumped" cause his kids and ex hate you

pamela3b's picture

I wrote before on this topic but can I get more feedback from someone who went thru this too?
Ok.....Met his kids, things were good until his ex and I had bad words on fb. I called her a bitch, said she was much heavier than me and her boobs hang to her kneew. That's all. She always checks my page and comments and looks at the pictures of me and her ex. She made a nasty comment so I didn't shut my mouth which I should have. Anyway, she showed her kids the comments and now kids told their dad they can't/won't ever want to be around me. We lived together. He broke it off with me and moved out cause "I will always put my kids first." He said.
Anyone have this happen to them and what did you do? Thanks

tofurkey's picture

I have not been through this exact situation, to where the point of my guy leaving me. BUT if i hadn't bit my tongue about a zillion times and was a lot more saucy in the beginning, I have no doubt that he would have. We came close about a dozen times to splitting up, all over drama with him BM and kid.

I heard a lot in the beginning "I won't compromise for anyone" when it came to me trying to talk to him about the skid and bm thing in reference to me. I often felt like my feelings were put on the back burner which I got in turn "yes they are because I will always put my kid first no matter what" Before we "officially" lived together but I had things here and was staying here more often than not, and I was having issues with the bm and sd, he told me "maybe i shouldn't live with him if i was going to have such a negative outlook on the situation"

He was very defensive, still is from time to time but better than before. It seemed like anything and everything i said about the situation was a personal attack against the three of them, which it wasn't but of course he took it that way. So with us both on the defensive all the time, I had to wonder how it would ever work out. He would also tell me that I had no say in what happened with the skid situation, that was up to him and bm ONLY. emphasis on the only.

So, while we managed to work things out to being bearable with the skid situation, we had a VERY rocky road along the way. I'm sorry about your situation. Sad

Minnow's picture

Look for a man that doesn't have kids....that's your best bet and life will be so much easier!

Most Evil's picture

I completely agree that you are better off without this 'friend' in your life, if that is how he feels.

You deserve someone who will listen to your side too and support you, and work with you and not expect you to know immediately how to act in such a crazy situation.

I would wish him luck being married to his kids, and move on to the million other fish, in the sea. !!!!!

StepMadre's picture

This is his loss!!!!! If he won't back you now over something so little, he won't back you later with more serious things.

No one is perfect and being in these kind of relationships where we aren't just dating one person, but instead two or more PLUS the ex, stressful events are inevitable. I too, have lost it with the BM and said some nasty things (all of which were true, however) that I wouldn't normally say. My mom raised me to be a good person, be kind to people and forgive my enemies, but I am not perfect and have most definitely done and said things i'm not proud of! Everyone does and in high tension relationships with an ex involved it is really easy to get very upset and lash out at the BM. I have moved past a lot of the things that got me worked up in the past and no longer stoop to BMs level with nasty back and forth fighting (by email or face to face), but I definitely had my share of awful interactions with her in the past and at my most angry I said (true) things that I knew would hurt her the most and get at her vulnerable spots. It may not have been the best way to handle it, but it sure felt good at the time! I handle her differently now and stop myself if I think I am verging on pettiness because she is not worth getting upset over. I still do get really pissed off, but I have better ways of dealing with it now and am continually struggling to disengage (this website has helped me sooooo much!) and not let her get to me.

That being said, early on it was really hard on me and my husband. He is, by nature, very sweet and hates conflict. I am way more aggressive and am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in or to protect those I love. His coping method was head in the sand, ostrich style, hoping the problem would go away naturally. My approach was to fiercely defend my relationship and family and set very clear boundaries and enforce them aggressively. He has come a long way and is way, way more assertive now and I am calmer and less likely to get irate with BMs crap. But, in the beginning, it was really hard on our relationship because BM and I would have a petty fight and H would be terrified and just want it to stop. He wasn't used to the way I did things and of course, BM, being completely delusional, would try to get him to side with her (as if!) and told him every single thing I said in an attempt to turn him against me. She was too stupid to realize that I told him everything I said and had him read my emails to her before sending them. She did threaten to show the skids the emails and I told her to go for it, but that all it would do was hurt them by dragging them into an adult conflict and adding extra stress to their lives. She didn't end up showing them anything, mostly because she realized I didn't care and had nothing to hide. If she thought that my behavior and actions could possibly break H and I up, she would have been all over it! H didn't like the conflict, but he stuck by me and was loyal to his wife and the woman he loves. A few times, BM threatened to take legal action to keep the skids away from me, but her claims were so ridiculous they would have been thrown out of court and I didn't give one inch and wasn't intimidated at all and she finally gave up.

Kids in high stress situations with split up parents are extremely impressionable and want their parents to be together. This BM was very inappropriate in bringing her kids into an adult conflict and she made the choice to be a bad parent. Who knows what would have happened with the kids down the line, but it sounds like they were under a lot of pressure from their mom and your ex was too spineless to understand the dynamics of splits and how they affect kids. My skids desperately wanted their parents to get back together, but once they bonded with me, they would have been devastated to lose me as a parent and they are now perfectly happy with the arrangement. If H had asked them early on if they would rather that he left me for BM, they absolutely would have gone for it, but my husband does not let his kids dictate his life and made the choice that he knew was best for them in the long run. Your ex should be angry with the BM for dragging the kids into an adult conflict, not angry with you for saying those things in the first place. Would he like someone to catalog all the mean and petty things he has said in his life and tell his kids all about it? How would he feel if someone told him that he was unfit to have his own children and how would he react if his kids were angry with him for mean things he has said in anger in his past? All adults say and do things that are mean sometimes, it's the nature of being a human! He is being extremely hypocritical and obviously can't see the bigger picture.

I'm so sorry you went through this! I think you are better off without him and thank your lucky stars that you have escaped the curse of being a step-parent!!!

PoisonApples's picture

Lot's of men claim they will always put their kid's first. It is what they are supposed to say (they think). That doesn't mean that having them read a copy of Stepmonster wouldn't bring them around.

He shouldn't have dumped you just because the kids/bm don't like you...

however...

... maybe that was just his excuse? Maybe he saw a future full of unnecessary drama and juvenile insults being slung back and forth if you remain the picture and decided to cut his losses right now before it got worse.

I called her a bitch, said she was much heavier than me and her boobs hang to her kneew.

Maybe when he saw how childish and shallow you were capable of being he lost all respect for you and decided that you weren't the woman for him after all? I would have.

Seriously, how old are you? 12?

I have no problem with confronting people FACE TO FACE if necessary. I also have no problem using the word 'bitch' - again FACE TO FACE and in PRIVATE when warranted. But, to write something like that on facebook and then to add shallow remarks about her weight and boobs just screams trailer trash.

I'm with him. I would cut you out of my life completely too. Who needs the drama?

Oh, and to blame the BM for showing it to her kids MORE than you blame the person who wrote it is just stupid, in my opinion. If it hadn't been written there wouldn't have been anything to show. No, BM shouldn't have shown it to them (unless they are older teens - then I could understand) but that doesn't absolve the author of the ultimate responsibility of acting like trash in the first place.

So, bottom line, I don't think you were dumped because his kids and ex hate you, I think you were dumped because you were adding negativity, drama and strife to his life unnecessarily. If HE were posting and told this story I have no doubt that the near unanimous advice to him would be to dump you.

pamela3b's picture

Ouch to this last comment but I appreciate the honesty. I also thought the same thing....that he wanted out and this was the perfect excuse.
To the others who commented....THANK YOU for the advice. What a wonderful bunch of people on this site. You all have helped in a way that is unexplainable. thank you thank you.
To StepMadre.....You are the BEST.