Uhm - I could be writing this myself. I have spent so much time thinking about what it is I don't like about my SD, feeling bad because I just can't bond with her. I'm not a psychologist, but I believe we feel this way because of biology. We are naturally tuned to protect our own - it's a function we've had since cavemen days. We are not programmed to look after another's offspring. We can fight nature - but sometimes a a child's personality makes this difficult! I wouldn't feel guilty. It sounds like you respect her and acknowledge her relationship with her father by encouraging them to see each other.

Unfortunately one of the big problems with the whole skids thing is that SM is left to do all the domestic work when they come to visit. Some people don't mind this, but it bothers some. When we don't get the appreciation we feel we deserve, we feel put out. I made SD a full-on three course meal the other week and she sits down and says to me "You'll have to make me another salad. I don't like this one!" I replied "This is not a restaurant. If you don't like it, don't eat it". But I felt put out and I thought about this for a long time and realised that it was probably because if my own child said it I'd have control to discipline and change the behaviour. Disciplining and changing behaviour of a skid is another matter.

My SD used to visit us for the whole weekend every second weekend. It didn't work. I ended up being a domestic servant the whole time and the girls fought. SD is being brought up in a household with very different ideas and hubby's sleeping in with his corporate job and I'm making breakfast and being told that "I don't eat this at home", "you shouldn't have bought me a watch for my birthday because my mom gave me one". You find yourself reverting to childlike behaviour thinking - "push off!"

Eventually, I told my hubby that I would rather have SD every week for Friday night and Saturday and that I expected him to take SD out and spend time with her when she came. It's working really well and the minimal contact between SD and me is keeping the conflict at bay.

I understand it. I don't think you like being that way. So how do yo change it..
First, I do feel bad for the child...
I think that a child at age 9 wearing a woman's size 12...probably would have some serious self-image or self-esteems problems. Kids at school can be cruel to overwieght kids....

Children of divorce may also have attachment/abondonment issues as well...

The 'look what I got' or 'look at me' statements she makes all the time...sounds like shes looking for some serious 'positive attention' or affirmations...

Can you change the way you see her? Instead of annoyance can you try see life through her eyes....feel sympathy or empathy for her. Find ways to buid her self esteem...to curtail the 'look at me''s..and find other ways for her to get some postive recognition.

I'm sure the idea that "your fat and your Dad left you and your step-mother can't stand to be in the same room with you..." doesn't do much for this child's soul....her sense of self-worth.

ANd she's just a little girl.......

...I really feel for her.

Do you think that could be where the 'showing off' stems from....?
Would it help yopur tolerance level to look at things from this perspective?

Listen, we have a neighbor kid.....drives us insane. The kid has no social skills..he's loud, interupts..never, ever ever shuts up!! has the most annoying sounding voice...fingernails on a chaulkboard...
So I get the 'how to be in the same room'....with this kid thing.
But I also have sympathy for him....his home life isn't the greatest..he is hassled and bullied everyday at school. ANd my home is this kids only sanctuary.....
When I look at him through those eyes..what his day to day life is...I feel so bad for him...and my tolerance for the 'little annoying crap' improves....

They're just kids...

But expressing it outwardly is something else, in my opinion. When I married my husband, my skids were SS6, SD9 and SD10. The two youngest are exceptional, SD9 was mildly mentally handicapped and SS6 was moderately mentally retarded. SD10 had her own set of issues, being that she was conceived during an adulterous relationship and had two dads, along with a stepfather and two new stepmothers. Oh, joy and rapture! Even an actual day at the beach was no "day at the beach" with our entourage.

I knew this going in, however, and I knew that there would be times that my patience would be tested and that my sanity would be on the verge of slipping away. I have sacrificed a lot for those kids, even when I didn't want to, but I made the sacrifice for HIM as well as for THEM. Trust me, there have been countless moments over the years when I wished they just didn't exist. But I dearly love my husband and his children are a part of him, so I love them, too, and I treat them accordingly. I accepted them because they are a part of him and rejecting them would be the same as rejecting him. Yes, they are aggravating, but so are my own kids. All kids are.

I found something in each of my skids that I could relate to and built individual relationships with each of them from that. With my SS, it was helping him with reading. With my oldest SD, it was just giving her extra attention, letting her follow me around "helping" me. She didn't get that much attention, having two exceptional siblings at home, she was at the bottom rung of the attention ladder. With the middle SD, it was helping her with girl stuff, like hair and clothing. Once I bonded with them, it was easier to dismiss some of the annoying stuff, as it is with my own kids.

But I don't think that separating the family is the key to eternal happiness. I mean, we have five altogether - definitely a yours, mine and ours family - but we don't ever try to piecemeal ourselves out to the kids based upon biology. Sometimes you do need time to yourself and there's nothing wrong with walking outside to get some air, to take a breather and to get your head screwed on straight. There's nothing wrong with having a juvenile thought or two pass through your head, as long is it doesn't slip out of your mouth. But I wouldn't pack myself and my kids up and leave whenever my husband had visitation because WE ARE A FAMILY, all of us. For better, for worse and all that. We do stuff together because that's what families do and because that's what we want. If we wanted to keep our respective families separate, then we'd have never gotten married.

As for income, whatever the court paperwork says is what HE has to pay, period. If it's not in the court paperwork, then he doesn't have to pay it and you are not legally beholden to pay for anything, so I'm not sure why that would be an issue for you. BM can't come after YOUR money if you marry him, so are you worried that he'll expect you to contribute financially to his child? I don't think the finances are the reason you SHOULDN'T marry him right now, I think your problem accepting his child is the reason you should hold off. Until you can find a way to welcome her into your life and your heart, then it probably isn't a good idea to get married. Once you've done that, that financial aspect won't even be an issue anymore.

Is there nothing that the two of you could do together to try to set some kind of foundation for a relationship? Surely you can find one thing that you have in common or something that you could do together to promote some kind of a relationship between the two of you. For starters, let him bring her home. It's his home, too, and she's a part of your family. Why not trying getting closer to her instead of pushing her away?

~ Anne ~

First off, I agree that before he pays all that money for private school he needs to be saving up to by a house for goodness sakes! Even if he weren't in a relationship with anyone at all, that would be important!

Aside from that, it sounds like it may be possible that you don't actually resent his daughter; you may resent what she represents to you. Just a theory, but do you think you may actually resent being in a relationship with your BF? Do you think you think that his ex may have gotten the "better end of the deal"? In other words, that they were together, created a daughter, & now she's "living the high life" with her new hubby & new money, & now you have your BF, are not as financially able, & have to take care & provide for their daughter as well? Maybe it isn't about the daughter at all but deeper than that. You said you are hesitant to enter into marriage because you don't want to entangle your finances with his (which makes sense). I think you should ask yourself some deep questions to figure out if this relationship is what you really want. I felt like I was in a somewhat similar state once, & I had to find the true root of my resentment. You aren't a bad person at all for having these feelings, just think it through...

first, imo, I don't think your issue here is really with sd. You have problems with what the ex wife has in her life (the luxury items), and you are struggling with the fact you don't have those same luxury items in your life. And from what I am reading, you are taking your issues out on a little girl, which is totally unfair.

You made some personal choices in your life...your career, the number of children you have, who you have them with, and no one is responsible for those choices but you. You may not yet be able to afford buying a home, or taking a vacation, but that doesn't mean you will NEVER have them. I think you need to take some time and think about the choices you have made, and if you don't like some of the decisions you have made, and the road you are currently on, then you owe it to yourself to make some changes to get you on the path you want to be on.

Do you need more education to get a higher paying job? Is a vacation out the door b/c your children are too young to leave them with family?

Your bf has a child that he has financial obligations for, whether you like it or not. You didn't say she was raping him financially, you just stated your resentment for sd being in private school and sporting camps. I need to ask you, why would you have a problem with your bf spending money on his daughter to go to sporting camps (activities that are going to get her to burn calories and possibly reduce her body fat)? The lifestyle that sd had with her two parents being married is the lifestyle she is entitled to, to reduce her activities due to divorce when her parents can afford it, is unfair to the child. I would never support the idea that your bf must financially support his ex wife and her lifestyle, only the lifestyle that they had when they were married for their daughter, without of course making him live on the streets.

Do you feel that you are financing your bf to live with you? If so, then you need to reconfigure his financial obligation to your household. He is not repsonsible for your two children that you have from a previous relationship. And if he is contributing financially to your house, then he is entitled to bring and visit his daughter in his home, without receiving punishment from you.

I'm seeing so much frustration in your adult agenda, and I really don't think the issues are with sd at all, yet is pains you to even see her.

My suggestion is to sit yourself down, and ask yourself, what is it that you want? A home, nicer vehicle, vacations...whatever. See why you can't have those things yet. Is it b/c you are financing two children by yourself? Do you need to make changes in yourself to get a higher paying job? Is your bf not fairly contributing to your household? Or is just having 3 full time kids so costly, that you cannot afford the things you want? Once you have the answer, you need to change what is going on so that you can do the things you want to. Or perhaps, those things will come when your children are older.

From what I am reading, I see a little girl being punished for things she didn't do. A 9 year old does not have the insight to understand adult issues, or make changes in the adults around her. I hope that you take the time to make changes in how you feel, and make changes in your life so that you are happier.

Good luck,
Candice

I agree with all of the comments supporting a change in attitude toward the little girl. Uhm, good for you for thinking about it hard enough to ask the question. It sounds like you have a lot of anger, and perhaps some of it is getting displaced. That happens to me too. The anxiety attacks and frustration prob. stem from a complicated mix of things -- the money issue, the fact that the girl is the connection between the ex and the BF, and from that, the fact that her existence in your BF's life divests you of some degree of control over yours. I'm not belittling that--one of the constant sources of tension and anxiety in my life is that the ability of the BM/ex to come along and pull the rug out at any time makes me angry. I hate that she has control. This feeling can be esp. strong if one has had a lifetime of challenges, and the only way you've survived this far is because you were in control. And now someone comes along and takes that control away. That's not a small thing.

(People on this site say, prob. rightfully, that what is BM really controlling, she can't control your reaction and that's all that matters. Yes, I know. But. Still working on that.)

I do feel for you on the money issue. I feel that when you have a baby, both mom and dad should be equally financially responsible for raising the child, unless they reach a different agreement based on their values--as a couple during a marriage, as co-parents after. If both the girl's mom and dad made these choices for the girl, then they should each pay half. The fact that his half is harder to pay may be (in my opinion understandably) hard to deal with, and it may make you angry, but I don't think it is okay to let that anger affect how you feel about the little girl. If the girl's mom is making these choices unilaterally, there's a real problem on a number of levels, not the least of which is that there is no co-parenting going on.

Whichever way it is, this situation is the reality you are being presented with, and you have a choice to make. Being a partner isn't just about love, it's about deciding whether you want to tie yourself to this person financially, family-wise, structurally. Ask yourself the hard questions about whether this is the right situation for you. Can you learn to treat the little girl with respect, and some form of affection, if not love? (isn't she your child's sister?) If not, then please consider moving on. If you decide to work hard on this relationship and make room in your life for this little girl, please keep coming back to vent the icky feelings. It's okay to have those feelings as long as you don't act on them, and having a place to get them out helps one rise above them. Good luck.