I'm new here and I need help.
I just joined, this is my first post, and I haven't even really had time to lurk, I just need help trying to make sense of my life right now. I really hope you all can be part of that.
For the past decade I have had the priviledge of calling the two most wonderful people I've ever met, my children.
I had been granted an even bigger priveledge of having them refer to me as their mom, and consider me an equal amoungst their two bio parents. As I'm sure you can imagine, it has not been an easy road, there have been fights, and so many difficulties trying to come to understandings between us all, but it's all been worth it.
So please try to understand how heartbroken I am when I say that the past few months have been so filled with pain and hurt that remembering that worth has been incredibly difficult. In fact, Right there was the first time I've been able to say it "it was worth it".
My 14 year old son, who used to be kind, concientious and accepting, has turned to a love of social status, self importance and being a condescending jerk. To his dad's (my husband's) side of the family. His mom's side may as well have hung the moon. I suppose I can't blame him, we're the weird arty types and have been going through major financial difficulties for the past 18 months. It's been hard and stressful at out house. That's my best guess as to why he left. He still insists that everything is fine and nothing is wrong, but refused to come home. His mom won't press him to try and work things out. She has told us repeatedly that she would prefer to be a single mom, and we do nothing but make things difficult for her, so it comes as no surprise that when he decided to stay with her full time she refused to press him about it and just says she will support his decision. His staying over there so much finally resulted in our needing to pay child support (and fair enough, we're not looking to shun responsibilities, we just miss our son) but having to pay that and then my husband getting downsided just tipped us over the edge. In our province we're in a major economic decline. There are no jobs. My job can't cover our bills, let alone child support. The only job he could find is an apprenticeship. 3 hours away. We've already had to leave our home, sell half of our belongings and he's down there starting the job and I'm staying with a friend working at my job so we can make ends meet.
Eventually I will be moving down to be with my husband, but it feels like we're giving up on the chance to try and work things out, that our son may one day come home. And my poor daughter, who had no desire to be at one house, now doesn't really have a choice.
That all being said... Their mom has always been better at maintaining schedules, keeping organised and getting all the details done. Not that we can't or haven't, but it's certainly her forte, where we do our best, but we struggle. Their friends, school and activities are all here.. We wanted to disrupt their lives as much as possible, while still giving them the life they want (yes we sat down and spoke with them about it). Even after all this, all our sacrifice to make sure they had the life they wanted, our eldest is angry and thinks we didn't try hard enough to stay in they city. I know that they can't really understand the sacrifices we just made, but my god does it ever hurt.
But, if this is what's best for them, should I just suck it up and get on with my life? Figure out how to deal with my new position in their lives? If so, how do I resolve that so my heart can stop breaking?
I've been crying for weeks over this. I feel like a failure, but I also feel abadonned by my eldest. I'm not ready to let them go, but that's not a choice I get to make. I feel hurt and lonely and like the most awful parent. I've given my life to these children and it feels like it means little that we're no longer around like we used to be. I feel... Expendable. Their replies to my phone calls and texts have dropped to virtually nothing, phone calls feel forced and they can't seem to end them fast enough.
It's been a really hard adjustment period and things haven't been as scheduled as they could, we're all trying to find a new routine. I'm already meeting resistance from bio mom trying to stick with the every second weekend visitation schedule because isn't always able to make it. It should get to be more regular, but we're still in a state of flux.
I don't know anymore. All I know if that I'm struggling to understand any of it. I'm hurting so very much. I have dedicated my life to these children and have never looked back and have been magically rewarded with their love and then to suddenly treated like I'm expendable?
I hurt so much right now and I'm just at a loss of what to do.. Please help me.
And yes, I've thought of councelling, but we can't afford it right now.