Breaking point...am I being reasonable?
This is long, but below I have posted a copy of a letter I gave to my bf last month...I wrote it because I wanted to get everything out, not be interrupted, and I just figured it'd go better. There is a lot of anonymity between us right now and my resentment towards him about the actions listed below are coming across to the SS (Bob), which upsets me. Bob is 17 and will be a senior in high school next year.
Given what you read, would I be unreasonable to end this relationship? We've lived together for two years, been dating almost 3. I have no bio kids and don't want any. Counseling is scheduled in the near future for the two of us.
The letter:
I get no joy from writing this letter. But I am at the point where I cannot, and will not, keep my mouth closed anymore. As you may assume, this has to do with Bob’s recent driving event. When we talked last month, or whenever it was, and as I have said before, I do not question your parenting decisions, nor do I say anything about them. I stay out of the parenting, out of respect to you. However, I can no longer agree to disagree. Please understand first of all, I write this letter out of concern for Bob--this is not an attack on you.
These following reasons are why I am concerned for him, and his future:
· He has no responsibilities. Yes, he cuts the lawn and does the weed-eating, but only when asked. There is no initiative from him. You know that this has been an issue with me, but I have stayed quiet. The reason this is an issue to me, is that I don’t feel he is going to be prepared to survive next year when he is supposed to leave the house. I realize kids leave the house, and usually return after the first departure. But he is not even prepared to do that in my opinion. No it hasn’t happened yet, and no I cannot see into the future, but I see kids with more responsibilities fail the first time out. I cannot expect it to go well with him.
· The consequences he receives for his bad decisions are not really punishment in my eyes. When he got caught driving without a license the first time, you told the judge, yeah, I will work him plenty hard while building the house, this will be his punishment. Well, he was going to have to help with the house anyways. And then you give him your truck, which is cool, I get that. But the punishment and reward mixed together, it’s almost like nothing really happened. What did he learn from that? You know a day or two after that happened, we went to the dollar store, and he ran into a friend, and he was laughing and bragging about what had happened. No consequences just equals a brag story, like, look what I got away with.
· He had his phone taken away while we were at the other house. He got caught with one and you took it away. While in the camper, he disobeyed you again, and had another phone. This time he was able to keep it, with no punishment for disobeying you.
· He stayed out late earlier in the year at his gf's, he was ‘grounded’ for a month, yet he was still able to have friends and his girlfriend come over daily. That isn’t punishment.
· Now this most recent event, with him driving his gf's mom's car, again with no license, and no adult in the car. You said you told him that if the car was wrecked, you would be responsible, and gf’s mom would still have had to pay for the car. I think that is the minimal issue that could have happened. What if he had killed someone? What if an unlicensed teenager had killed one of our family members??? That would be horrible, but it is a possibility. What if he had killed himself??? Or someone else?
Before I moved here, and while we were discussing our relationship, you stated you were strict. I am sorry, but I fail to see that. I fail to see where he has had to really, and truly, take ownership for his actions. What kind of message is this sending to him about the real world?
I know you told me before that you are a little easier on Bob because of all that he has been through, with your ex-wives, and having a crappy mom, and sticking by you. But that is no excuse to let him get away with this kind of stuff. There has to be a limit, and there doesn’t seem to be one.
Bob has a lot of potential. He is a smart kid, and bright. But at this point, in my eyes, I see him on the path to self-destruction. And with this most recent event, I got to thinking, heaven forbid he did kill someone in that car, or injured someone, I too would have been sued, because I didn’t stop him, and I knew about it. It’s one thing when it only affects you or him, but I want no part in being held responsible for his actions, especially when I have no say in the parenting of him.
I was at a loss for words last night when you said he would not be punished for that driving situation. I was absolutely floored. I am not exaggerating. I went outside and cried and smoked because I was so overwhelmed, that is no lie, and I don’t say that for dramatic effect. It’s the truth. Have you really put yourself in my shoes, and tried to view this from my eyes? If I had a son, and you saw the same pattern of actions, wouldn't you be concerned too? Wouldn't you be frustrated by the silence?
Honestly, I don’t see anything getting better either. I look like a complete ass now by telling you about the driving incident, and no consequences coming from it. If I were him, I’d be like, haha she told my dad, but he doesn’t care, she should just stay out of my business. That would be my thoughts as a teenager. I would see myself as a joke. Someone powerless, which is what I am. I am a part of this household, but it doesn’t feel like that. I know I am not a parent, but you don’t even ask my opinion on stuff. I mean, I’m not an idiot, but I know I’m not being unreasonable either. I am not perfect, no one is, I realize this. But what place do I hold in this house??? I have to wonder, have you really put yourself in my shoes, and tried to view this from my eyes? If I had a son or daughter, and you saw the same pattern of actions, wouldn't you be concerned too? Wouldn't you be frustrated by the silence you had to keep?
I realize that you cannot go and give him punishment now, nor would I want you to, and I am not asking you to. But I am at my breaking point. It may seem silly, or irrational, that I would potentially let this end our relationship, but I am so overwhelmed by the pattern of behaviors and lack of action about them, that I am ready to quit. I don’t say this as a threat, I say this is how I feel…I am emotionally maxed out. I love you both dearly. But I am looking ahead, and given the path he is on, I honestly don’t see it getting better, and if that’s the case, if I am this stressed now, it will only get worse, and from there our relationship will deteriorate. I want to get couples counseling like we had discussed before, as soon as possible. That will be the only saving grace at this point I believe.
I am more than willing to talk to you about this tonight. I do not say this so it can be one-sided, I want to hear your opinions on everything. The main reason I wrote this, instead of just talking about it, is because I wanted to be sure I relayed everything that was on my mind, and in my heart. You are a smart man, and a loving, wonderful father. That is what blows my mind, where is this strictness you speak of? When Bob's gf stayed the night, three times, the last time they slept together in his bed--if Bob was your daughter, would she have been allowed to have a guy stay over? I am afraid it is a matter of time until his gf is pregnant. That is just my guess.
I consider myself to be pretty good at putting myself in other people’s shoes to really try to see their point of view. But all of the above, the pattern of events, this is all above my comprehension. I know I am not crazy or delusional on this. These are legitimate concerns. I am not mad, I am just frustrated, and again, truly concerned for Bob. I don’t enjoy seeing him get in trouble, but I firmly believe in consequences for your decisions. The world is unforgiving, and when he gets out in it, he is in for a rude awakening.
That’s all I have to say. Again, I am more than willing to talk about this, or if you prefer to wait to discuss it in counseling, cool. Whichever is better for you. But please get that counseling scheduled; the way I see it, our relationship depends on it at this point.
Thank you. I tried to say it
Thank you. I tried to say it in a way that was non attacking, yet conveyed my feelings, and concern for our relationship as well as his son.
A reasonable letter.
A reasonable letter.
Very well written and very
Very well written and very valid points of concern. If he doesn't smarten up and change he is a fool, you seem like a good woman.
Thank you everyone. I was
Thank you everyone. I was very naive getting into this relationship, so I sat and observed...I'm no longer naive. I appreciate your input and thoughts. It's good to have my feelings validated, and to know that I'm not overreacting.
I have examined this angle
I have examined this angle and I understand what you're saying. I have definitely tried the chill pill, disengaging, all of it.
However, this whole submissive role is killing me. I've never lived with a man before this, and have made all the sacrifices, no exaggeration. I'm at my wits end, and maxed on my stress level. I think it's more the situation of feeling powerless, like the other person said, no sense of value or say so in the home. This is so not my style...I was willing to make compromises, but I feel this is too much. I drink every night to unwind...like one beer, two at most, but when I get home, it's the only way I can tolerate being in the presence of Disney parenting as it's called. It is becoming toxic to myself...which is another reason for concern. I'm just so frustrated by trying to make it work, but conflicted with the feelings of failure that I can't do this. Grrr :O
I appreciate your point of
I appreciate your point of view on this. I dearly miss living alone. I am an independent, rely-on-myself woman, and have never been in a situation like this. I have to agree with you, moving out is what needs to happen. I broached this topic in January when I had a little meltdown...I tried to end it a couple months ago...this last incident was just the last and final straw. You are right, I cannot deal with this situation. It's no one's fault, so and ss are great people, but not a situation I am personally cut out for. Until I found this forum, I had no idea how not-alone I was in this.
As for his response to the letter, it's been about 3 weeks or so, he has not said ANYTHING about it. We were set to have our first counseling appointment yesterday, which was confirmed, but somehow the clinic said it was Thursday, so we missed it.
The last final, final breaking point just came a little bit ago today. SS is obviously not trustworthy. SO has another son, who is 20, just got kicked out of the army, has recently stolen a bottle of xanex from his grandparents house...well he is working with my SO in his shop behind our home, a small side business of SO's. He is not allowed to have a key to our house. The ss (17 yo) does have a key. We will be out of town on vacation for a week, next week. I asked if the ss would be allowed to have access to the home while we are gone (which I don't believe he needs to). SO says yes, of course, he will need to get clothes. IMPORTANT NOTE: this kid has not stayed at home for the past 3 weeks, and never comes home for clothes! He has NO NEED to have access to our home while we are gone. Much less, he stays with his older brother, the one who is not allowed to have a key. So basically, two mischievous, untrustworthy brothers have access to the house.
Once we return from vacation, I am letting SO know I am moving out. We will figure out the dating situation later. I personally just need an alone break right now.
I really appreciate all of your support everyone! Many of you have hung in there so much longer than me, and I give you all credit and recognition. You are strong and awesome women, who have big caring hearts, yet suffer through all this mess. Hugs to you all!
You said something in one of
You said something in one of your responses that has struck a cord with me.
You have made all the sacrifices.
I get it. In my relationship with H, I have also made all of the sacrifices and adjustments. H would make decisions and the expectation was I would suck-it up and deal with it. It's exhausting and I no longer have anything left to give to this person, he has drained me dry.
Both you and I set a precedent early on in our relationships, of being the ones to adapt and change. While they stay the same. We have formed a pattern for them to follow.
In my honest opinion, unless you have seen past evidence of your SO making conscious changes, no amount of counseling is going to make him see your point of view. No matter how nice you are or the fact you're trying to help his kid get ready for this big, bad world, he will see you as the bad guy. He will protect his son first, you second. He may change for a short time, but it will not last.
You see, my H and I had been in counseling for two years. And the first year or so was good, because it wasn't a sure thing I would be moving here to join him. And he kept up the promises during my move here and for a few more months. Then, because in his eyes I'm a captive audience, he went back to his old ways. When I blew up and told him I was done, he got upset with me because I told him I no longer trusted him. When things weren't getting better between us, he said it was my fault because I didn't trust him. He said it was too hard to win my trust back and he completely stopped trying to work on things.
Now I'm ending my marriage and working to saving enough money to move back to the mainland.
Be smarter than me. Do not marry this person. And if you feel it's time to end things, end them. Do not stay in a relationship where you don't feel valued by your partner.
I wish you the best.
"Both you and I set a
"Both you and I set a precedent early on in our relationships, of being the ones to adapt and change. While they stay the same. We have formed a pattern for them to follow." -------> this is a VERY excellent and valid point. One I had not thought of in that light. This is why I love all the input, I love to hear different angles and observations, ones that I may be blind to, or misinterpreting.
I plan to heed your warning...marriage has been discussed, but the word itself makes me queasy...much less the thought of tying into this thing FOREVER, which is what I take marriage to be. So no, marriage is not happening. I will consider dating while living in separate domains for now, but there is no guarantee that will last either. Couples counseling will do no good...he is very set in his ways. This is his last kid out of the house and he's not going to change now...example listed above in my most recent reply.
It's so frustrating. I knew it was a risk to make this move, but I felt it was worth it. I do not curse myself, I will just chalk it up as another expensive life lesson. But no, life is too short to be miserable. He tells me he has never been happier in his life...well I have never been more anxious and miserable in mine. Enough said.
I wish you the best as well...I hope you make it home soon and will be liberated by your new found freedom...albeit lonely at times, it beats being miserable!
Thank you for your opposite
Thank you for your opposite view point. There are some good things to consider. But I think that I am over trying to make it work within the household. Mainly because I cannot get myself to disengage from the ss situation. I have told myself, why should I care, he isn't my kid, whatever. But that's not me. I do care, but I have gotten to the point where I no longer care, and that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in. I have become a doormat, it disgusts me. If someone was telling me my story, I would say get out...what are you doing to yourself...it's not worth your own sanity. I was afraid to end this too soon, because I told myself, well I just have to adjust to all this. Other people can do this, I can too. But I can't. I can work on a car, fix a toilet, tile a shower, but I cannot be a live-in step mom. (for the record I am 34). I realize the pool of single men with no kids is VERY slim, but if this relationship ends, I will die a lonely spinster before I go here again. I came into this relationship because he said he was strict. "and the lie detector determined, that was a LIE!" to quote Maury lol
But I know this is no joking matter. I have a decent ability to look at different views, but I hadn't thought of the innate tendencies of the alpha male as you had pointed out. I have said little to him about parenting, because I knew he would be quick to point out that I am not a parent...but that doesn't make me stupid. I have read that many times a step parent can offer constructive input because of their outsider view. But that's ok, I am done trying. I am drained and exhausted. Like the other member posted, I will be in my apartment, with my cats, enjoying the fireworks, and house-burning from afar.
But really, thank you again for sharing.
I did appreciate reading your
I did appreciate reading your thoughts on the matter...I actually just re-read your original post to absorb some more of it, because I do like to really try and understand other view points. I guess I see things differently also because I grew up in a divorced home...I was raised by my father, but by no means did I have the freedom ss does...yet again, females are almost always treated differently than males while growing up.
As for the part about talking about leaving, but never doing it...I've battled this for months. Weighing out pros n cons...I didn't want to leave without really and truly trying. I don't take it lightly to exit the home, because my decision impacts all parties involved. But by me being miserable, and it oozing out onto them, it's not fair to anyone, and life is too short.
Granted, in comparison, no my situation is not that bad...But I am not as strong and capable as others on this forum. I realize that for me, I've reached my point. This discussion in this thread has helped me see a lot more angles...I like that. I like to make well educated decisions...which is hard on something where there is no actual how-to guide. So although it will be sad, it's no ones fault, but it's for the best. Perhaps we'll continue to date from separate residences, but first, I'm taking some 'me' time for a while, to reevaluate myself and my life. No one is any good in a relationship if they aren't at peace and content with themselves first.
Thank you again...I'll post an update once the deed has been done.
By all means, if this is
By all means, if this is bothering you enough to impact your relationship with SO, then perhaps it's time you left or lived separate. I think previous posters who suggested you try disengaging are a little off the mark. Disengaging is for step kids who are disrespectful to you or for SOs who believe you should take a more active parenting role than you're willing to take on.
You can't disengage from something you were never invited into in the first place. From what I have read, your SO has no expectation that you parent his son - you seem to be assuming that role yourself. Neither the parent nor child are imposing this role upon you.
You are there to have a relationship with SO. It is incumbent upon you to be polite and reasonably nice to his son in order to have that relationship. I agree that if SOs parenting style impacts you in a negative manner that it is appropriate to remove yourself from the situation. However, the actual parenting of said son, and your opinions on how that should occur, are not part of your roles in this relationship.
I'm sorry for what you're
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think you hope writing this letter will make your SO sit up and pay attention. But you've said all of this before, and he heard you then. He just doesn't want to pay attention.
I think you need to look to your actions. Seek what actions you can take to make a change. Your letter is basically asking him to take action to make a change - as though you're giving away your choices.
"But you've said all of this
"But you've said all of this before, and he heard you then. He just doesn't want to pay attention.
I think you need to look to your actions. Seek what actions you can take to make a change."
I like how simply you said all of this...it does really sum it up...during our last two talks, I told myself, if one more thing happens, I'm done....well it has. The other day, another household decision was made without any inclusion or consideration of me, non-parenting related...that was it. I will not live in a home where his word is the bottom line. Your comments drive this home, his actions are a reflection of what you said...now the time has come for me to leave. I have kept making excuses in the past, thinking things will change, but no...I'm kidding myself. So up and away I go!
Thank you again for your kind words.
Too reasonable IMHO. I find
Too reasonable IMHO.
I find that far too many people try to make these situations far more complex and in depth than they really are.
Great letter. Good message... however I do not believe that he will get much out of it other than his panties will be in a wad and he will be insulted and miss the point entirely.
Here is the message I would have sent rather than the heartfelt dissertation you wrote.. "Your statement that you are a strict parent was patently false. You will never again put me in the position of supporting your continuing failures as a parent to Bob. You either start to apply actual consequences or you and your spawn are gone. Take his phone, take his access to a car, and let him know that to get any of those things back will take a major investment of time and stellar behavior from him. If either you or Bob ever again treat me in any manner other than with absolute respect you and your spawn are gone. If you so much as scowl regarding this message pack your shit and leave with Bob in tow."
Simple, short, sweet, to the point, and with clear expectations and specific consequences for non compliance.
You say you do not question
You say you do not question his parenting and then go on to criticize everything about his parenting. And you are not going to get sued because someone else's kid drove someone else's mother's car. If you want to get out of this relationship get out. Or you could just disengage and let your partner parent his kid as he sees fit. Honestly,I didn't do much in the way of chores and such when I was a teen and did just fine once out on my own. It seems like you are wanting to micromanage your bf's parenting when it really isn't effecting you all that much. Since you don't want kids with him how he parents is not going to effect you all that much only that you let it bother you. Just my 2 cents. Good luck either way.