My SS doesn't listen to anything I say! Help!
Hi everyone. A friend of mine told me this site was helpful for her. I have 2 kids (4 and 6) my husband has 2 (6 and 9). We don't have any together. In the beginning I viewed his son's 
behavior as typical toddler behavior. He is 6 now. He doesn't listen to ANYTHING I say. He has meltdowns easily if he doesn't get his way. I have him in school for the summer times that he is with us (expanded standard possession order/ mother primary) and I get bad reports daily. I also have been getting bad reports about my own son who attends the same school, because they act poorly together.
I have to constantly remind him to do anything examples: sit in your chair while you eat, don't smack your food/ don't throw things/ say please and thank you. (Instead of just coming up to me and saying "water" when he wants a drink). He is mean to my 4 year old, tells her she's ugly, that he doesn't like her etc. He tells me "no" when I ask him to do things (occasionally)Has called me stupid. He bites other children (mine included) he scratches. He's gotten kicked out of his school (for the day). He walks up to my kids and takes toys from their hands. He cries a lot when he doesn't get his way. When he is around, my own kids start behaving poorly. He's loud. It's chaos when all 4 kids are together. He basically acts like a 3 year old but can be aggressive. When I ask him to do something, it's like he literally doesn't hear me. My husband and I punish his poor behavior by sending him to his room, but the behavior seems to be getting worse. I do not want my children behaving this way. What else can be done? If I spanked his bottom every time he didn't listen I would spend my entire day doing it.
Whatever he wants, he usually gets. I think that's a huge part of this problem. I think this is a behavior problem as well but his mother won't accept it. She literally treats him like a baby/ baby voice included. I'm exhausted and don't know how to deal with a child who won't listen to be.
Your reply doesn't make sense
Your reply doesn't make sense to me.
Sounds like he might be
Sounds like he might be having some issues with behavior as you mentioned. It could also be ADHD related. I would suggest getting an evaluation by the school psychologist. My SS (12) had issues when he was younger, still does but not as bad. Unfortunately, my DH didn't think it was an issue and never asked the school for help. At one point the school suggested some extra supports which did seem to help. If your husband can request an evaluation, I would suggest that.
You certainly don't want to have all your interactions negative (spanking constantly). Maybe look for some books on how to work with defiant children. Really wish you the best as it sounds like you have your hands full!
The problem is that his
The problem is that his parents (BM especially) don't see this behavior as a problem. She even goes as far as to switch his schools when the teachers try to "label him." He'll be starting his 3rd school this fall.
Go see a behavioral
Go see a behavioral therapist. (Bring the school records too.) They can help give you ways to address the behaviors that maybe you haven't tried, and they can also tell you if there are any "red flags" there that would warrant more extensive evaluation.
I will say that SOME of that is pretty normal for 6. Sounds like your SS6 is a bit behaviorally delayed though, and a good therapist can help.
Just off the top of my head, when he comes up to you and says, "Water", you say (totally calm) "Try again." Then keep doing whatever you were doing. Don't prompt him to say please, he KNOWS. I'd also look into a "Social Skills" group (just google those 3 words, you'll find stuff) to help teach him some empathy and...well... social skills.
If he's biting people (age 6 is WAY past when this is developmentally normal!) go get the book "Teeth Are Not For Biting" and read it daily until he stops. But seriously, get the therapist, they'll be able to give you LOADS better advice because 1. that's what they're trained for and 2. they can meet him and tailor advice to your particular situation.
Agreed re: behavioral
Agreed re: behavioral therapist. Hard if your husband does not seem to think that there is any issue/problem. My SS had some serious issues (hitting, getting into fights) and I suggested over and over that he see a counselor and that they work on this behavior b/c it is one thing as a 3rd or 4th grader and something else entirely as a middle school or high school student. My husband and BM balked at counseling (BM had said she felt he improved enough w hen he went before and so took him out of it) but to me they have always missed teachable moments. Example-he hit someone on his football team at the last game of the season. Guess who STILL got to go to the football team party (AR EYOU KIDDING? I would have NOT allowed him to go-teachable moment that BAD decisions have consequences, but then again she is in legal trouble for making REALLY stupid decisions to he apple does not fall far....)
Sorry, I got off on a tangent. It is so tough when we are left to parent b/c the actual parents don't do their job.
See if you can get some support from the school when he has an incident so you can get the parents or at least your husband convinced of the need for behavioral therapist. ugh.