Today i reminded him his ex in-laws think he is a narcissistic prick!
So, when you're a step mum some things seem like you're constantly being petty but hey petty as it seems these things still bother us step mums.
so last night my partner had a skype call with his kids holidaying in Europe. He will be paying for the annual holiday till SD4 is 14.
Anyway, the calls have been a source of stress for him as the kids would ignore him or not want to talk to him on Skype but the recent calls have been really good and both SS6 and SD4 are more interactive which means I don't have to comfort their dad and listen to him 'disowning' them.
We've been together 3 years and till this day he doesn't know my family's names even after they have come to stay with us. i'm not talking extended family but siblings. We have a 6 month old daughter together and he can't be bothered to learn at least one name of her little cousins. Just one name, not asking him to memorise all 6 names.
So I'm listening to him talking to the kids and asking them about aunt Jennifer, cousin Joss and Matilda and asking if the box of toys is still in the chalet in the Alps...BM has super rich parents who have holiday homes across Europe(won't lie that not jealous...LOL)
Anyway, today I asked him what's my older sister's name, remember her she stayed with us and we've visted her...he couldn't remember.
Is it so unreasonable to ask that of your partner? I understand hsi known the ex inlaws for longer but my daughter has a family too.
I got pissed off and reminded him how his ex FIL threatened him and called a narcissistic prick. When he complained to BM about it - her response was , "I agree". Every skype call hie's had with the kids no one from BMs family has even said hello to my partner including BM. She just lets the kids operate the computer.
I'm ok with that but I really enjoyed rubbing it into my partner that these people have no love for you anyway.
That's kind of mean rubbing
That's kind of mean rubbing it in his face, but then again - he sounds like a real dip shit. I was married to a woman who's family is about as redneck as it comes, and I know their names. Seriously, if he can't be bothered with that, I am willing to bet he can't be bothered with a lot of other things as well.
By the way, if the BM is single and a problem, feel free to introduce us. I am exhausted and need to work less.
Seriously, his ex-FIL is probably onto something.
You can have her but you have
You can have her but you have to be a super duper step dad so the skids never say they want to live with us coz they don't like their step dad. I can't wait for her to move on.
i realise it was mean rubbing it in but he knows there must be adults in the background listening to the conversation and it's like he is talking to them as well. I know these people will always be his childrens' family but i don't get why he sucks up to them so much. Then again my partner is a major suck up and is always telling me I should learn from him. If the ex in laws cared one bit for him they would have at least said hello but no one cares and that's what i'm trying to show him.
I do so much for him and hsi family. His elderly father is coming over in about half an hour so I can help him prepare a CV coz he wants to apply for a job. Not sure what happened to the CV I prepared last time!! I'm super nice to his sisters, i always ask about their kids...FFS I even know his eldest sister's ex husband name and i've never met the sister and she divorced about 15 years ago!!!
Therefore, it just annoys me when he shows zero interest.
Showing no interest in your
Showing no interest in your family (rude, annoying, but somewhat forgivable if he's good to you) is different than showing no interest in you? Does he do the latter?
He is good to me. but he's
He is good to me. but he's generally self centered and needs to be reminded about key things. last week I tripped and fell on a pavement while holding our 6 month old daughter. As i was falling i could see the fall happening in slow motion and imagined dropping my daughter on the concrete falling on top of her and her having serious injuries to her head/face. Luckily my left arm caught her fall and my other arm and knees felt the force of the fall and scraped my knees so babdly my tights tore. I picked myself up, bubs was ok, cried a little. I carried on to my appointment and they saw the state i was in and gave me band aids for my knees. When I told my partner about thsi later his response was to show me a bruise on his arm from a minor accident earlier that week...LOL. Never mind I almost got hurt and more importantly hurt our daughter in a nasty fall. That's just the person he is.
It's taken a lot of work to get to this stage though. I come from a very family oriented background and perhaps struggle more than others to deal with his attitude towards my family. Yes, I realise they are secondary in our relationship but some improvement would be nice?
It just annoys me how is still trying to prove himself to his inlaws even after the break up. He walked out on her when she was expecting their second child and they have zero love for him and have tried to get him to let her take the kids back to Europe where she's from. Even if the court said he didn't have to pay for the trips to Europe anymore he would still do it because he has never wanted his rich father in law to think he can't provide but my point is they already think he is a loser. The kids granddad gave each kid 15 000 Euros when they were born so they can afford to take care of their daughter and the grandkids 10 times over - it's not that they need his money but he will forever be trying to prove a point to them.
He can take care of his ex and his ex in laws and i'll look out for my family and
I get your point but i just
I get your point but i just thought you don't know me enough to go on the attack like vthat. I think we all have detestable moments in us.
I was feeling awful today but your reply didn't do much for me at all.
That reaction to your injury
That reaction to your injury was seriously abnormal. I was in one relationship like that in my very early twenties, that whenever I had a problem, the other half had a much worse problem -- even down to competing over headaches or feeling a bit low. I don't care what his personality is called technically -- he's a big fat baby who doesn't give a shit about others -- even his own partner and child. If he doesn't show concern when you crash onto the pavement on top of an infant, when will he show concern?
I really would stop
I really would stop remembering the names of his family btw. And see more of yours. Fruit never falls far from a tree and you sound really caring.
Some people have a mental
Some people have a mental block when it comes to names unless they have been in his life for a long time and there is a lot of interaction. Also on the important list is people who have power over him such as his supervisor at work.
I know because I'm one of them. I know its a psychological hang up but hey there it is.
Haranguing him doesn't help and will only piss him off. It's like teasing him he can't climb Mt. Everest. He simply can't do it.
You be the keeper of names and when he stumbles you are the helpful mate and give him a hint.
yup, I realise throwing the
yup, I realise throwing the narcissist comment at him was a low blow. His FIL wrote him a very strong email which my partner showed me.
And to sueu2, it's the first time i have thrown something like that back at him. I knew what i was doing and did it deliberately but doesn't mean i feel good about it. I have never used other facts about his break up against him and I know he is narcissistic to some extent but still didn't like his FIL calling him that early this year.
It's the constant disappointment of having the people who care least for him holding his attention. Everytime I speak with my family they ask about him and his kids. When they visit they always ask about his kids, his dad etc.
It's annoying and our relationship revolves a lot around his pleasing his kids, the ex and her over bearing parents. I can understand the kids but the way he bends over for the ex in laws just aint right to me.
Some families are closer than
Some families are closer than others are. My DH's ex wife was local, she had a big family and they always had a lot of big family gatherings constantly. DH grew close to them while married to them, particularly one of her brothers, but still knew the names of extended relatives because he was regularly exposed to them.
My family, however, lives about 45 mins away, I try like hell to only visit on holidays and they aren't really close anyways. Cousins I'll go years without seeing sometimes, he's still learning names I think but he's getting it down. It took longer than BMs side though I'll guarantee it. What I did was I started talking about them more. Telling stories about my cousins growing up, aunts, brothers, etc.
He should be taking an interest in learning these names for the sake of simply being polite in his interaction with them (referring to them by name), showing you he cares, and very importantly, so your child knows he cares about your family and encourages relationships.
You should try talking to him. Or better yet, plan a get together and grow a closer connection between him, your child and family.
The ex family all live in
The ex family all live in Europe and we're tucked away on the other side of the world. That's a good 20 hour flight away and my family are a 1 hour flight away. I visit them but he doesn't come along because they live in a boring city. But that's where they live and we would only be going there for a weekend. We went over to where my family live last year for my brother's wedding. We stayed in a motel, I picked up the bill for the accomodation, flights car rental etc as I thought he's the one accompanying me and i can't make him pay.
Anyway, on the last day i went to say bye to my mum. She lives in a little flat which she is very proud of. He refused to come in with me and insisted on staying in the car.
Oh well. The skids are coming back in a week's time from the big trip in Europe and that's definitely affected my mood and reaction to most things. Stomach churning already.
Oh now that's just wrong.
Oh now that's just wrong. What did you say to him? You were together 2 years at that point I guess, I still would have killed him. It's time to talk!!!!
I'd tell her he doesn't care
I'd tell her he doesn't care much for her and the future is bleak.
I see what you're saying. I
I see what you're saying. I would have a talk with him. Outline exactly what he's been doing... Trying to please the in laws, etc etc etc. And tell him this is not going to work for your new family, and now it's time for him to let go of the past and focus on his current family. You, baby, his side of the family and your side of the family. Tell him you would like strong connections within that family unit, including the skids, minus the ex inlaws and BM. Loop it all back into how this is best for your family.
Or how it works for you. You just have to try to communicate openly. You may have done it before and you just have to keep doing it and work on your approach each time..
His dad came over this
His dad came over this morning, helped with his CV and job application. this man will talk your ears off and i know what pleases him most - talking about his family. And I'm very pleased that over the years I have gathered information about his family through conversation and nothing pleases granddad more than me asking about the other grandchildren and daughter who I've never met at all since we started dating.
i apologized (stooping really isn't my style) to my partner for throwing the narcissistic comment back at him but made it very clear that my being upset about his sucking up to the ex in laws should oin no way be invalidated by my apology for the comment. I also reminded him that none of her family in the last few weeks while the kids have been in France have bothered to say hello no matter how much sucking up he does. His ex won't even acknowledge the kids have a new sister. He gets it and sees why I'm upset and has offered to make dinner tonight as a peace offering...it's a start. It's made me feel better and lets hope he will pull up his socks with my family.
I am super close to my family and feel my daughter is closer to her cousins who've met her once only than she is to her half brother and sister who used to refer me/my daughter as petite vache(little cow in French).
Why suck up to people who poison young kids to call a baby nasty names??