Sounds like the perfect time for you to go do your thing. Take your own vacation n let hubby deal with the situation he created.

Skeeter, while I personally agree that a perfect house isn't necessary for a happy existence, I do think this situation is about much more than the "mess" that comes with skids and grandskids.

This situation is about consideration and respect for one's spouse and your joint home. Her DH obviously has the SD on a pedestal and can't/won't say no. Taking solo vacations with, financially supporting adult SD, and letting her drop off gskids for a week without discussion and agreement from his wife is a problem. Especially if just.tired has protested it. Sounds like DH does it anyway.

In essense, just.tired seems to be relegated to the "second tier" or is invisible whenever the skids wants and desires are involved. The messiness of their visits is just symptomatic of a bigger problem.

Being upset over that kind of situation has nothing to do with whether she has ever had her own children or not. There are plenty of people on here who have their own biokids and are still treated this way by clueless Disney Dad husbands and selfish skids. So I think pointing that out was a bit unfair - coming from a childless person myself.

My first question would be why do you put up with this? And please don't say because you love him...I mean, deep down, why would you allow someone to completely disregard your feelings? I'm a childless SM too so I know the "go along to get along" thing and maybe you're minimizing your feelings because you feel guilty because you think you don't know what it's like to have kids so it's hard to judge his choices? Idk, but you deserve more!!! Please go see a therapist so you can get to the root of why you would tolerate this behavior. I believe you deserve more but until you believe that also, nothing is going to change. {{hugs}}

Why would you tolerate a marriage to a partner that does not put your marriage first and treat you as an equity partner in his life?

I think it is time to put your foot up your DH's ass and give him clarity on what marriage means. The marriage comes first, the spouse comes before the children. That is doubly so with adult children.

That said, you should be more welcoming to your husband's grandkids even if you detest the mooching adult step daughter who spawned the grandSkids. Time for your DH to quit wasting your joint marrital assets on augmenting the adult daughters lifestyle with vacations and new cars. Better to focus the resoiurces on funding the grandSkids college funds.

IMHO of course.

I agree with 2tired that there are several issues here. To deal with them, you may need to go back to serenity prayer.

1. Time of the visit: has to be coordinated with you, for sure. How can SD just declare that you will be baby-sitting Johnny and Jessica June 30- July 7th? She needs to ASK if it is going to work for both you and your DH. If it does not, say so.

2. Money your DH gives SD: are your finances joint? Separate? Can he do as he pleases without direct repercussions for you? He is enabling a lifestyle his daughter cannot afford, so there is nothing healthy there, but if he is in charge of his money, it is his to do with as he pleases. If it creates financial stress for you, speak up.

3. SGkids' at your house: behavior: you need rules (i.e. no eating in the living room) that will be posted and/or communnicated to the kids. You have a right to expect good behavior, and to have things your way at your house - bedtime is at 9, not midnight. BUT: having them there will hopefully create good vibes and a loving relationship that will MAKE UP for the mess they produce - with a vengeance! They can enrich your lives, and you can enrich theirs. If they are only there one week a year, count your blessings, if you do not like children. They are your "bonus" grandkids - no responsibility outside of that one week, but potentially rich rewards - warm fuzzies, etc.

As a SD, i can tell you that my father has NEVER had my children at his house, largely i think due to the fact that his wife does not have grandkids, and does not want him to have too much to do with his family overall, and it is a huge LOSS for all those concerned: him, my sons, AND her - she could have have benefited from having young loving souls in her life.

So I would say, relax your house cleanliness standards, do not do the total rehaul, and re-think the whole thing. This could be an opportunity for personal growth for you. And after they are gone, you will still have 51 week a year to cherish your uncluttered existence.

As Suze Orman says, first people, then money, then things.