People with children should not marry. Because...when the trouble comes, the absolute LOVE for that child is ALL that makes it worth it. For us 'outsiders', that deep bond; that pure, 'no matter what love' is not there. And it is NOT worth it. We see the 10 yr old, 16 yr old, 30 yr old as they are. They still see that 'child' as that sweet, innocent baby. And that is normal. That is the hard, cold truth. Be very careful before letting yourself get into that situation. You will be used, you will beat your head in the wall, you will give and try. And it will still be the same...YOU are the outsider. You are not as important as the original family. You actually broke up and finished the original family. Even if you weren't around when the stupidity began. You are living in a world, much like Alice in Wonderland, where nothing makes sense. And ask yourself this, 'why did spouse marry you?' And be honest with your answers.

Don't say anything. It's not worth it and all it's going to do is frustrate you more because no one listens.

My parents were sticklers about grades and so we all did well except my brother, no punishments worked so he flunked most of his classes. SS a lot of the time doesn't do his homework or "forgets" to bring it home. DH still lets him play video games and watch tv. It used to drive me insane. DH has TWO degrees a bachelor's and a completely unrelated Associate's and it just drives me up the wall that he isn't after SS more about his grades (you'd think he'd want his son to be just as educated as he is some day). He b*tches and moans and then does nothing.

I promise SS something at the beginning of the school year. If he does well and stays out of trouble, when school ends in June, he gets it. He's been begging for an Xbox 360. But his grades went down the toilet last year and he was always talking in class so when June came he didn't get an Xbox and everyone was mad at me. My response was he didn't keep up his end of the bargain so I'm not going to spend 300.00 of my money for a gift that isn't deserved. So sorry.

The same thing goes with his weight. The doctor has told BM, DH and me that he is overweight, that he needs to eat better. I tell the doctor I try to make him eat vegetables and I kick him out of the house when he's home with me so he can run around and play with other kids. I can't do anything about when he's home alone with DH and BM. They let him sit on his butt and watch tv and play video games.

I gave up. Not my kid, not my problem. If he fails, well it'll be a damn shame because he scored extremely high on the entrance exam for the private school I want him to go to, either way it won't be my fault. MY son will not fail. If he ends up looking like jabba the hutt like the sea donkey welll...not my fault.

I've been down this road. SS8 is left-handed. He is in 3rd grade but since Kindergarten he has struggled with handwriting. It's now at a 1st grade level. When he was in 1st grade, I purchased all kinds of left-handed tools --paper, notebooks, etc to make it easier for him and to help him learn. I created worksheets and handouts and so on. We talked to BM about the plan, she was onboard and so we sent the stuff with her because she had him more than we did back then. (Well not really, I was just unaware at that time how very little she did have him). Anyway, when he was with us, we'd go over it for 30 minutes and still it didn't seem to get better by much. Eventually we learned she wasn't doing anything with it--no practice at all. If she reads with him for 5 minutes and tells him to write in his school journal (which she doesn't check), that was her idea of practice. That was not the agreement which was 30 minutes per night on top of his regular work.

DH would try but that's not his forte so I worked with SS8 as much as I could but 1 person, a half hour per week is not very much practice. I tried to get DH to talk to her but he is not one to rock the boat, even when it needs to be freaking capsized when it comes to that kid. (It's not his kid so she holds all the legal power in visitation, etc). Before long we had him most nights of the week so we asked her to return the stuff I'd purchased so we would not have to get more tools to work with without buying it all again. Somehow she claims to have "misplaced" them and would buy them again and "share" them with us. Do you think we ever saw it again?? So here we are 2 grades later and he still struggles -last week was first Grade Assessment and as usual, first thing there was handwriting critique which impacts his abilities in other areas as well. I gave up on mentioning it at all.

But what I really struggle to keep my mouth shut about is the fact that DH is not ss8 bio father. The kid is always asking why his skin is different (they are different races) and why he doesn't look like other biracial kids. It's sooo not my place but I'd love to just end the lies and answer him honestly before he demands to know and it all gets ugly.

@ stepmom31: I can totally relate! I'm not married but considering it. Been dating for over 11 months, and I've spend a ton of time trying to help my BF with his boys. I too come from a family where good grades were expected and the parents were involved. All 3 of BF's boys are behind in school. Their mom doesn't seem to do much with them but plop them in front of a TV. There is little discipline over there. She tries to undermine the good things I've done for her kids. BF insists that I do not talk to her anymore as it only inflames things. He doesn't say anything when she's out of line, just tells me she is like a child and it's not worth it. I think he is so right, but I have such a hard time keeping my MOUTH SHUT!! I so badly want to correct the boys when they tell me something their mom has said that's totally untrue. She bad mouths their father and me (no surprise!). To top it off the youngest is hers but my BF has raised him since birth so he is the only dad this kid has known. She knows my BF has no legal rights and uses the kid to get what she wants by threatening to take him to live with her. The oldest is a teen. He once asked me, "Mom said [youngest brother] has a different dad. Why does my dad always have [youngest brother]? Why doesn't he live with mom?" Not that this teen didn't want little bro around, he was just asking. I had to bite my tongue to not tell him the whole truth on that. She abandoned her kids after the divorce, so for many years they did not see her. I was told by the family that they could not find her. She saw the kids for a total of about 2 weeks' time in YEARS! Well, as of the past year and a half, she has helped and even done overnights. I entered the picture about 6 months after she reentered their lives. BF wishes he had never called on her to help because she has made it a headache for all. She is not dependable childcare and this creates a logistical nightmare! Seems the only reason she wanted kids around at all was to qualify for more public assistance. I know she must be lonely and probably has low self-esteem. All I want is for these kids to have as normal a life as possible! I have two girls myself and often wonder if it's worth the risk to them if I marry this man and take on all the problems. We would likely live in my house. The situation is a breeding ground for resentment! So glad I found this website!! I will be thinking long and hard about how much I can handle and what it will mean for my girls and everyone else.

@ WTHDISUF: I would like to chat with you regarding your SS8. I am seeing a man with a child who is the ex's, and I have many, many concerns about his situation and the other kids. I have two myself.