At the end of my rope... need advice from those who disengaged themselves
Hi, I'm new to this forum. Ended up here to get advice before I speak with my husband tonight. Married 1 1/2 years (together 5 years) and I have a 16 year old step-daughter from his previous marriage. SD recently came to live with us. I was in favor of it because she and I have always had a good relationship and gotten along and I wanted to help her and be able to give her the things she needed. Her BM got $1,100 a month in child support and used it to live on even though my husband also paid half of the house payment. Basically there wasn't much left over for SD and she has needs like sports, braces, car, and college that we cannot afford to supplement. She came to live with us 8/2010. Now I've seen the side of her that she always complained about with her Mom (they did not get along and was always at war with one another). I felt for her, because I was always at war with my Dad when I was her age. I'm finding out that even when I'm nice to her and don't treat her the same as her mother, she is disrespectful just the same. I now see why her and her Mom fought so much- it takes a saint to not let her rub off on you. I need help because this is now causing problems in my marriage. I'm at the point where I'm done with her and am going to completely disengage myself from her. Then it is up to her Dad to take over and that will determine how the rest of our marriage plays out.
For example, the straw that broke the camels back, she is a t.v. head and has taken over our living room which is right next to the master (even though there is a 32" flat screen in the bonus room- it doesn't have unlimited netflix from the wii). All day on Saturday, I'm slaving away cleaning. I want to take down the Christmas tree that is still up, but she and her Dad are watching the complete season of Bones and The Closer from Netflix (what did I do when I signed us up for that???) On Sunday, she gets up and immediately starts another season of must watch t.v. I told her I would be taking a shower and she had 1 more hour of t.v. and then I wanted to take down the Christmas tree and watch something else while I did the work. Over an hour later I come out and she is engrossed in a show (I pick up the remote to see how long she has left thinking that if it is 15 min. or so I'll let her finish it.) I see she is only 19 min. into the show so I know she watched another instead of finishing the show like I asked. I point this out to her and she says "Well what was I supposed to do for 20 min.?" I suggested she could clean her room that she has avoided cleaning all week even though she missed a complete week of school due to snow here in the South. She stormed out of the room (and surprised me by snatching up her dish and noisily pitching it in the dishwasher- hey she picked it up! No complaints here!!) and stomped up the stairs muttering under her breath. Her Dad asks whats wrong and she mumbled something (that's all I get- mumbling or barely audible replies). He proceeded to say loudly that he is sick of walking on eggshells between the two of us and we had better figure this out because he is tired of it. Like, what??? I'm a teen too and not the 41 year old step mother that has bent over backwards for her? WE need to figure this out. No, SHE needs to figure out whether she is going to be respectful to ME or she needs to go back and live with her mother! I have asked him if we can leave the house tonight to take a drive to have a talk. He asked if I was breaking up with him (or something to that effect, although we are married). I said no, but I'm done with your daughter, not you.
After reading this forum, I feel lucky our only problem with SD is her attitude, laziness and lack of respect for me (and I should also mention she suffers greatly from "sense of entitlement" issues). I also see a bit of manipulative behavior and possessiveness of her father (like she knows he is siding with her). Other than that she is a pretty good kid with a good heart.
But yet, I have failed and now comes the disengagement (didn't even know that was what I was wanting until I saw the term here). All I know is between yesterday and this morning I decided I was done. I will not take her anywhere, buy her anything, take her to school when her Dad is traveling, make her lunch, buy her special stuff she likes to eat, take her out to eat, do special things with her, buy her clothes, all of it- I'm done until she can treat me with some respect and do what I ask of her (she basically ignores me and does what she wants). I will grocery shop and make dinner just as I did before, but without thought to her wants.
Part of me is scared this is one step towards divorce (BM was pissed SD came to live here and trash talked about me so I'm sure she would be thrilled if it led to divorce!) But, I will not let her take control of MY home and that is what has happened in the last 4 months. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
tjlo, I was in the same place
tjlo, I was in the same place you were 20 years ago and I made the mistake of letting it continue. Now SD is 36 years old and it is only worse. DH and I are attempting to do 'damage control' on our marraige - I hope it is not too late. And FINALLY DH 'gets it'. What I did was print out the blog Rags wrote and had him read it. http://www.steptalk.org/node/38480. Progress is slow but still, there is progress. Make it plain to DH you are NOT asking him to make a choice between SD and you - but, as Rags wrote, the marriage should be the prime focus.
Disengaging is tough, but
Disengaging is tough, but worth it. I just keep reminding myself not to take anything personal. It is easier to do with SKids than with DH. It is tough, but it makes the awkward and uncomfortable situation more tolerable.
It's tough to disengage when
It's tough to disengage when she is living in your house..However she needs to fit into your life..she cannot sit on her butt all day and just watch tv and not expect to help, she is not on vacation, she is part of the family and needs to chip in. Listen speak with your husband and tell him your wants and then figure out a plan. Your husband and you need to be united on this front and set the house rules and enforce them together..SD needs to see the two of you are on the same page..
Z
Disengaging is hard, but
Disengaging is hard, but worth it! Maybe, if you're lucky, she'll catch on and shape up! YOU have to stay strong, though. Don't waver one little bit. Let her father do everything for her. Trust me, things will change! Do your laundry, leave hers for someone else to do. Cook what you want, let her fend for herself. If DH doesn't like it, he can lump it! If he doesn't straighten her out pretty soon, you will be gone and he'll be there raising HER kids while she's out running around.
I disengaged from SD24 in August. Best thing I ever did. She doesn't live here, so I don't have to see her too often. But, the two times I've seen her since then, I just pretended she doesn't exist. She tried to speak, I didn't hear a thing. I didn't pay attention to her baby daddy or her spawn, either! I know she wasn't pleased, but...I don't care. Don't want to hear it.
Now, DH isn't pleased because that's his "little princess", but he can get over it or get out. I refuse to put up with her crap simply because she's his child. When she can act like a mature person, work for a living, pay her own bills, and STOP reproducing irresponsibly, MAYBE she'll get a little respect. Until such time, I do not have the time of day for her.
I didn't know what
I didn't know what disengaging was until I came here either. All I knew was that for eight years I was disrespected, taken advantage of and felt like a visitor in my own home. And now, I'm an awesome wife and the skids can take a flying leap. I simply couldn't let them ruin my world anymore.
It's very hard. Check some of my earliest blogs for a taste. I have a real hard time letting anyone anywhere feel bad or have hurt feelings..... Well I used to.
I wanted the big happy family where everyone got along and helped each other and loved each other. Then figured out if the brats won't play then neither will I.
Thanks for all of the advice.
Thanks for all of the advice. I told my husband how I felt and that it was contributing to me feeling resentment towards him which was ultimately effecting our relationship. He had a talk with daughter yesterday about expectations and that she needed to shape up or he was going to ship her back to her Mom's. We are going to have a family meeting and discuss those expectations and put some rules into place. It is all about being a united front because kids can sense when it's not and take advantage and manipulate the situation. I'll keep everyone posted on how it goes. This isn't the first time and it goes right back to the same behavior. I think he was a bit more stern this time b/c he knows I'm serious.
I guess I am disengaged. I
I guess I am disengaged. I am not a confrontational person at all. Maybe I should have been tougher. Maybe that's why I haven't given an ultimatum. I just don't care and just tolerate. Tjlo, you seem to have it handled in a good way; strong but reasonable. I think this willbe a great place for me to vent and it sounds like a lot of people do. But I am hoping for good results in my situation and not just a place to let off steam. And I have a LOT to get out.
Its just the typical stuff of me not being able to or feeling strong enough to confront the issues and my husband. Wow, you guys are tough but in a good way. I think I need help with the rules and expectation setting. Any suggestions or experiences would be great. I just don't think being nice all of the time and hoping for change is working for me any more. Does it ever work???? Thanks so much.
loverNOTfighter, I haven't
loverNOTfighter, I haven't been confrontational in this situation either, until now. Weird for me because I usually have no problem sticking up for myself and saying what I think. I learned after our talk that my husband kind of feels the same. You want the kid to like you, not hate you. It's hard to have this new person living in your household and it be one person's biological child and not the other's (she listens to him and ignores what I ask of her). Not to mention the added dynamic of an Ex in the mix (especially one who trash talked you). It has been difficult to be disrespected. I wasn't expecting it because back when she visited we had a great relationship- and we didn't have Disney visits either.
I just got to the point where I was fed up and didn't care if I lost everything over my pitching a fit. I guess I got his attention since his first sentence to me after I asked if we could talk was if i was breaking it off with him! Duh, we're married.
You also have to get to the point where you don't really care much if the step child likes you. It hurt my feelings that I was getting treated differently. It is also hard to want to keep doing nice things for SD when getting ignored, dissed, and disrespected.
The one thing I read about being nice all the time (wasn't quite working for me, especially if she didn't get her way), is to find a good quality or something nice and compliment them on it every day.
We are going to try to set expectations and do a family meeting and I plan to hold them BOTH to it! I'm sure my husband just thinks he's dodged a bullet and things will go back to how they were and I won't press the issue. But, I'm not giving in. We WILL sit down and talk about expectations and sign contracts with each other. I'll keep you all posted on what happens!
Good luck, loverNOTfighter- maybe something will set you off like what happened with me to make me so MAD that I was ready to kick some booty. I think my husband needed to see that I was fed up and the game was over in order to truly lay down the law with his daughter and have MY back.
You sure sound like the kind
You sure sound like the kind of person who can stand up for herself. Good for you! I hope he works with you and things get better. You sound like a nice person and he should take care of you and support you. I am 45 and don't think I want to be single again. BUT if he can't take care of me and US, then maybe I should get out before I suffer much longer. I will take the advice, and be tough and toughER. Who knows, you guys may have helped create a monster! lol
I had a very emotional talk
I had a very emotional talk with my DH over the weekend. I was complaining that whenever he talks to his mum on the phone he says how fed up I am, or that I'm not happy about things. He never mentions all the compromising I do, or how I've made suggestions about how we can all live together (SS16 moved in with us a couple of weeks ago, without anyone asking me of course). He said it was upsetting for him and his mum to think I didn't want him living with us.
I don't understand why he's upset, he knew I didn't want kids and I just put up with the situation because I love him. Surely the fact I DO put up with it all shows just how much!! But he said how he wondered if his only choice was to get BM to sell the house so he can get his share and buy somewhere else for him and SS to live!!! I couldn't believe it. I'd never once suggested we live apart, I've done my best and always been the one to compromise. I was very upset he could suggest such a thing. He said he was just tired and stressed as even though I said I'd just get on with the situation he could feel vibes off me that I wasn't happy about it.
What does he expect?!?! Have I got to go round pretending I'm happy my world has been turned upside down? I've never said to my SS he wasn't welcome, in fact I've gone out of my way to say that it's his home. What more can a person do?! I even said I was spending more time with him, playing on his x box and such like. And he said he knew all that.
I know it's not going to be easy but it seems to me that not only do I have to put up with everything that happens, no matter what it is, without getting a say, I have to pretend I'm happy about it all!!! They're planning on going to family counselling, when I said to him the counseller might mention me and my role he looked totally bemused as if to say, but what's it got to do with you?! Says it all really. :?
One thing he did say though was SS is 16 and in a couple of years he may move off and he'll hardly ever see him again. OK to me that would be bliss - lol. But I can understand that he will miss him so I have to take that into account.
I do feel like our whole relationship I've had to put up with crap and be the one to compromise, I wonder if there will ever be a time when I might be an important part of the equation!! I feel my DH just looks at things from his perspective all the time and never tried to imagine what it's like for me.