I don't care if it's a "RULE" or "SIN" of being a Stepmother. I will bad mouth BM ALL DAY EVERYDAY
In front of kids, friends, family, DH. I do it and I don't care. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut to shit that is appalling, wrong and down right STUPID of BM.
Why the hell should I be judged and expected of every damn day and her daughters have to watch what they say or what they ask for from her because she's "mom" I'm sorry, but just because you gave birth to those 2 doesn't make you anyone special in my eyes.
I call that women out when I've had enough, to the kids, to my DH and even have to her. I told her on the phone she is one of the worst mothers I've come across. Unapologetic. I'll say it again.
Just a little bit of back round, she's 36, has a 4 year old from another man, lives at home with her mommy and doesn't give us one dime or help with her kids. I have fully taken over at this point. Both SD's live with me and DH and we take care of everything. Up until my SD17 became pregnant, now she is "stepping up" by taking her to her doctors appointments and buying a few things for the baby.
So when I hear that she just got a brand new phone that requires internet service ($30 a month) and then hear the kids discussing how they are only asking for one thing from her for Xmas and they shouldn't ask for anything else because it was a whooping $60 total for the both of them I will point out that internet service for a cell phone costs $30 (a month!). I don't care. I'm sorry, when you live at home with your mommy and you don't help support your daughters, internet service on your phone should be the last thing you have. That is a luxury and NOT A NECESSITY. Funny how she hasn't once since the girls have been with us full time asked if she could help with ANYTHING and she does crap like this all the time. Not to mention she has a car that is out of her league when she doesn't have a PLACE TO LIVE TO HAVE HER DAUGHTERS. UGH!!!
Why should I have to watch what I say, what I do, make sure things are "fair". I pay their cell phones, SD17 car insurance so she can get to school, so on and so on and then it's always, poor mom doesn't have a lot of money and they never ask anything of her and she never offers.
The reason I have no kids of my own is because this women has left raising 2 teenagers to me for the last 3 years and 5 years prior was in and out. Job, no job, apartment, no apartment. Never stable. So everything always fell on me and no way I was ready for a baby! Now, I'm pissed. SD17 is having a baby in my home. I get to see her experience something I want so bad and have to deal with BM more AND I have to rearrange my home to accommodate yet, another child that is not my own. So, I think I have a right to rant about BM today! 
You have the right to rant
You have the right to rant all year!!!
Ughhhh. Maybe we have the
Ughhhh. Maybe we have the same BM. My husband's ex-wife doesn't contribute one dime to her kids. She might see them twice a year. Maybe.
Yet somehow, they think she is great! I try really, really hard not to speak about her at all. But even after all these years, I still slip up. My stepson is mad at me right now because I inferred that his precious mommy is a lousy person. It's just so hard when you do all the work and the kids still give her all the praise.
I agree!! You can go on and
I agree!! You can go on and on!!
I wish I had the guts to speak my mind about BM and SS more often!! I get tired of always being the better person!!
I am currently getting texts from BM about SS grades. Why is she texting me you ask?? Well because she sent DH a text and he told her to ask me!! WTF??? I guess I need to tell DH whats on my mind right now!! LOL
Rant away, dear sister!
Rant away, dear sister!
bebegirl22, rant on!! You are
bebegirl22, rant on!!
You are the skids' MOTHER - their biomother may have given birth to them, but that's about it.
How PATHETIC these types of BMs are - using their money for LUXURIES for THEMSELVES instead of raising and supporting THEIR OWN CHILDREN!! Shame on them - vile and disgusting poor excuses for human beings.
I agree with you 100% how these "mothers" get to play "victim" and their kids feel so badly for them that they have NO EXPECTATIONS of her as their mother ("oh, she's too poor to buy us gifts"). Totally ridiculous and their behavior should absolutely be CALLED OUT.
Please....
So, it's ok to PAS the kids
So, it's ok to PAS the kids and speak bad only because you are the stepmom right...that's what everyone's saying?
But if a BM PAS she should have her kids removed from custody, thrown and jail and is a child abuser...right?
Did the hackers from
Did the hackers from wikileaks out of Sweden shut down ivillage? :O
Does anybody know? Thanks.
Talk all you want about their
Talk all you want about their mom but don't be surpirsed when it bites you in the ass.
So be it. It is what it is.
So be it. It is what it is. I'm not perfect. But thanks for the advise and I realize that it just might happen. Can't be any worse then what I go through now....
You're right. Nobodys
You're right. Nobodys perfect. It might not be any worse than what you deal with now but it could be a whole lot better.
The only time I ever ranted
The only time I ever ranted about BM in front of the SSs was when she tried to take our cat away. There have been so many others times I wanted to say things but bit my tongue. DH and I try really hard to not say anything-but it is hard!
Background on the cat thing: we got a cat. Bm decided that "everytime SS10 comes back from your house he is sniffly and he is allergic" Um, nope, everytme he COMES TO US he is sniffly and has the longest, dirtiest, nastiest fingernails I have ever seen, do you think THAT might be making him sick??
She was actively trying to get the cat removed and I just lost it one day. This was a cat who had no home and a psycho decided for whatever reason we should not have a cat so she targets it. Get a life! I blew up at DH in front of SSs- I couldnt help it! Its been a few years but I think I said something along the lines of "What is she doing? This is crazy, hes not allergic, tell her to mond her own business! She has to target an innocent animal??" I know my older SS was not happy about my blowup but I dont care! Its the least I could have blown up about after the years of hell that psychopath has put us through!
Crazy thing is, 3 years later
Crazy thing is, 3 years later we have THREE cats and a dog and BM has a dog yet no mention of alleged "allergies" Um, what happened to that?? Stupid biatch
Oh, my, god. Same
Oh, my, god. Same issue.
Long, dirty fingernails. It disgusts me. I trim them up the night they come over. & then I paint SD3's nails. I let her pick the color and what not. (I swear, I painted her nails a pretty pink once, she went to BM's house, and came back the next week with glitter nails. I had never seen her nails painted prior. It's like BM thought "Oh shit, better one up (me) with glitter!)
I think it's ok to bash bm
I think it's ok to bash bm privately.bashing bm to the skids is really bad though even if you are the person raising them.when we don't bash bm to the skids we aren't doing it for the sake of bm.we are keeping our mouths sealed for the sake of the skids.it's tough hearing what an awful woman gave birth to you from the woman who is raising you.definitely rant here all you want all day long but my advice for everyone is to keep it separate from the skids.rantings about bm are not for skids ears to hear.
Butterfly..instead of
Butterfly..instead of accusing or insinuating...why not answer the question. Is it easier to distract the topic this way?
Are you saying a double standard on PAS and badmouthing is OK because she's the stepmom or do you want to just hurl insinuations my way?
By the way...I dont' frequent ivillage.
I think she had a right to rant here, of w/her gfriends, maybe even her dh...but the kids should be OFF limits....
There can't be but a handful of people here who disagree with that...but somehow nobody is calling her out because she's a stepmom-so interesting.
I agree with overit on this
I agree with overit on this one. I try really, really hard not to say bad things about the kids' mother. The key word for me is "try". I have slipped several times. But I recognize that it's not healthy for me or the kids. I am the adult. I am held to a higher standard. And no kid wants to hear someone bad-mouth their mother no matter how well deserved.
I agree. DH's mother hates
I agree.
DH's mother hates BM, so we will bitch about how shitty she is in private.
I must say, there ARE times when the kids see something (say it a shirt I have) and they will say "That's like Momma's!". I say "Oh, yes! It's a pretty shirt!" or "Momma has this shirt too? .. Oh, ok!", but what I really want to say? "I really don't give a shit!"
But I hold my tongue.. badmouthing BM in front of skids is a no-no in my book.
I agree in that it's fine to
I agree in that it's fine to rant here, but I agree with smommy1 in that sharing your personal feelings & opinions toward BM with her children will likely bite you in the future.
Our BM is pathetic. She abandoned her kids to "experience life" & came back when she was ready to play mommy again. She's too lazy to work & believes the world owes her everything because her life is hard. Her mother pays her bills & what her mother can't pay for she'll expect someone else to. She's a sorry POS. However she is still their mother. Perhaps not in action, but they know they came from her. I can't imagine it being anything but damaging & hurtful for them to hear those things come from you...or anyone else for that matter.
*
*
Agreed Spunki. I hear more
Agreed Spunki.
I hear more from my husband though. It takes him two days to recover. Not once have we ever said anything in front of SD6-ever. BM badmouths us all over the city but we refuse to stoop to her level.
Like my own mom told me when I grew up, "I never said anything to you about your dad because I wanted you to make your own decisions in time."
I did.
I never said anything to you
I never said anything to you about your dad because I wanted you to make your own decisions in time
That's almost word-for-word what I told my son. His "dad" last saw him when he was 6 months old and first talked to him when he was 18 (via My Space!). No birthday or Xmas cards, EVER. My son has been raised to be a strong man. He can decide for himself what to think of his absent father.
OK, that's my BM side, now to my SM side:
It is VERY tempting to bitch about someone who has such a huge role in making your life as much hell as they can. HOWEVER, it is STILL the child(ren)'s other parent. They will most likely always feel loyalty even if that parent is horrible. Out of concern for the children, it is best to BITE YOUR TONGUE until they are not in earshot.
Best Case Scenario: wait until they are out of the HOUSE so that there isn't anyway possible that they would accidentally overhear.
Ditto*
Ditto*
I think you have a good point
I think you have a good point but the difference is when Dh tells sd the facts about the situation it's fact.not his personal opinion about her mother and how terrible she is.it isn't bashing.it's just the bare bones truth of the situation.in my opinion it's ok to sit the skids down when they're old enough to talk about how life works and what role their mother plays in the situation.
setting things straight is totally different from bashing just because one is angry.
There is a difference,
There is a difference, though, between sharing the facts & ranting. I have no issues with sharing facts when a child is old enough to understand. But even when a child is old enough, I don't think spewing hate & badmouthing is helpful at all for anyone...except BM. That's why we are here. This is where we get that release.
If BM is a POS, the kids will know it. They may or may not acknowledge it. It has to be painful to admit. But deep down, they know. They don't need others to throw it at them.
I carry a few extra pounds. I know it. I see it everyday. For someone to tell me I'm fat, like I don't already know it...it just pisses me off.
I would caution him to do so
I would caution him to do so carefully-and as their stepmom I think it is wise to not say anything at all.
How old are his kids? I know at some point they are ready to hear SOME things. But it's a very thin line and I think sadly most people in divorce cases do not adhere to this.
I think BM's, SM's, SD's, Dads...all are just as guilty at badmouthing as the other. It is hard to bite your tongue-and sometimes you have a slip up...but one should never really rant and badmouth or alineate kids from their other parent.
I don't think there is ever a
I don't think there is ever a time to lay it all out to stepkids. They will figure it out on their own. And when they do, they need adults in their lives that they can trust to help them through it. If you bad-mouth their mother, no matter how much she deserves it, you'll be the last person those kids will come to for support.
I know what I'm talking about on this one. My stepkids chose to move in with us after years of severe PAS by their mother. We never told them what a horrible person their mother is...we just let them figure it out on their own.
I've actually made a personal
I've actually made a personal file for DH to give if need be in the future to his daughter for evidence of all of the crap that has spewed from BM since day one. That way, there will be no way BM can ever lie to her when SD6 grows up. (the file is huge- BTW)
If BM ever decided to get therapy and calms down and becomes "human", the file can be trashed and never spoken of.
I have been known to rip BM
I have been known to rip BM apart in front of her kids. I have however toned it down a lot. I know it's wrong and as they have gotten older they have seen for themselves what a nut case she is. Every now and then I'll throw an underhanded dig but at the end of the day that is their mom and I don't want the Skids to hate me because I badmouth their mom. Kids are very protective of their moms no matter how much of a basket case they are. So try and tone down the remarks, because as one poster said it will bite you in the ass later on. Save the remarks for ST. We won't give you shit about it.
The book 'Divorce Poison'
The book 'Divorce Poison' suggests some creative ways of letting the children know the truth about bad mothers (and others I suppose) without coming across as a bitter, vindictive, jealous bitch. The philosophy is that kids should know the truth. I happen to agree.
I never badmouthed my XH to
I never badmouthed my XH to my son, but it didn't take him long to see for himself. He loves his dad, but also understands what he is. Hopefully, this works with the crazy BMs, too.
UMMMM you haven't heard my
UMMMM you haven't heard my SD14 and SD17's mouths!
and they are not little... if SD17 is having sex and getting pregnant she is an adult and SD14 can dish it out like no other.
I'm not a mother yet so I guess I don't know and wont know and I will regret the things I've said and done.
One thing I do know that someone who has given up so much (one thing is having babies of my own) to make sure these girls were given a REALLY GOOD life and putting them first because guess what? They were her first, which A LOT of women do not think of when they marry a man with small children and what affect it does have on them, waiting till they were almost adults and this women, the women that gave birth to them, is supposed to be selfless and give everything she has to them, just let them go. She gave them up and decided that it wasn't so important to be a good mom. I didn't even give birth to them and I have always tired to put them first, but she couldn't be bothered to do that. Puts a really bad taste in my mouth, ya know?
I'm curious about how your
I'm curious about how your husband feels about the things you say to his children? I can't imagine having someone hurt my children that way & not saying something.
My DH has said somethings
My DH has said somethings himself and not to mention BM every chance she gets tells the kids how my DH wasn't around when they were little (which he was always) and took off running around and left her all by herself. The things I've said really were not that bad where he ever said anything to me. He is so frustrated too.
Okay, okay. I know it sounds
Okay, okay. I know it sounds horrible. I'm sorry, I'm tired and have been dealing with this crap for years and years and you know what? These girls are almost adults. They are not children anymore and they really don't need me to point things out to them. They grew up and realized some of these things all on their own.
Now I don't say your moms a horrible b*itch or a bad mom to them. I just have pointed out somethings that seemed flighty and wrong. Like when she hadn't seen her kids in months really and hadn't help with anything in quite awhile, bought a car and a PS3 while I was bearing the hole burden of HER kids, she took a trip to Vegas. Come on. I didn't really say anything, just shook my head in disapproval and made a comment about how that must be nice, I can't afford to go to Vegas right now. Wrong or not, after 8 years of her bulls*it, it's hard to keep my mouth shut and I'm not perfect.
What kind of example are you setting for your kids and especially your 17 year old pregnant daughter when you have 3 kids and 2 you do not support and while still living with your MOMMY you deserve a nice cell phone and a nice car. Really WTF, I'm sorry, I've had enough. So SD17 is going to think that she deserves a nice car and expensive cell phone while she's still living at home with a child at 17? Or 36? Riddle me that.
When the kids were little I didn't say a word and bit my tongue while she ripped me apart to her daughters, made them feel sorry for her and caused me to cry every night, loose sleep and made my home a nightmare at times.
Seems unfair that they can bash us all they want but when we do it it's SO wrong.
I'm scared that even though she hasn't raised them over the years as much as me, her bad behavior is showing in there outlook on life. This is my life too and I live with them everyday and you know what? The majority of the burden is going to fall on me and effect my life!
I'm not a bad person, just at the end of my rope. I just am so bitter and tired that it's gotten the best of me.
Is preggers SD17 going to
Is preggers SD17 going to stay and live with you? So now you have a grandstepbaby too? THAT would make me like go kill myself.
Oh she sure is and due in
Oh she sure is and due in January. And by the way I'm 29 years old with no kids of my own yet. BM36 still lives at home too, so not much help there.
bebegirl22, I don't think you
bebegirl22,
I don't think you are a terrible person, I just think you have had enough.
"I didn't really say anything, just shook my head in disapproval and made a comment about how that must be nice, I can't afford to go to Vegas right now." ---- Something like this I dont think is out of line. You have every right to be frustrated, and in this instance you wrote of, you weren't name calling or being derogatory.
Now, there are certainly boundaries that can be crossed, though. I complain about BM to DH, my friends, certain family members and complain like hell on here lol. But I don't say anything about BM infront of SD and really I dont talk about BM at all infront of SD. BM has given her share of verbal lashings in regards to me to other people and infront of SD. I don't need one more thing for BM or SD to use against me, so I keep my mouth shut.
let the hoe have it!!! i
let the hoe have it!!! i have always had restraint and self control....and where did it get me? deeper in their doo doo pile. sick of it, and we have done without so much because she needs this and that, just to call me a worthless psycho.....for helping her stupid offspring. some people ARE born stupid, i'm pretty sure there isn't a shortage of them either.
one thing tho, i know in my heart i tried to do good, be patient and help. i'll always be a good person, she'll always be a stupid _ _ _ _!
oh, well 2 of my skids came
oh, well 2 of my skids came over with lice 3 different times. and not one time did the bm treat it or pick it out like it has to be done. all my kids and i got it from them twice. it was lice hell and she refused to wash anything. 7 people with lice. nasty freakin bm. and these lice were on steroids. she claims she never saw them....uh, try lookin at your kids once in a while.....and clean those waxy ears....ew