And here it is... the most jacked up Step Situation ever...
Came back because it looks like I will now be a sParent.
Sort of.
In order to get the divorce done, not have to go to court and defend all my antics, and the OnAgain GF's antics, and fight for custody, the GF is going to agree to the stbEx's demand that I not be around the children. And the divorce will be agreed to and signed tomorrow. Final by mid-next week.
And we're going to get married.
And I can't be around the sKids.
She's going to have week on/week off joint custody. When it's not your week you get them Wednesday night. So, we're going to buy a house in the next few months and when it's her time with the kids, I'll be in an apartment...
We're gonna do that for a year or so and then go back to court and duke it out, figuring we'll have a solid chance to win if we've been married for a year and the relationship is stable.
So there it is. The StepDad who wasn't. Weird eh?
DH's ex tried to do that to
DH's ex tried to do that to me. We told her she could try it. She did, it didn't work. Especially after we got married.
My antics were varied. Once
My antics were varied. Once her Dad approached me when I was in my car. He stuck his finger in my face, yelled at me, and despite my initial politeness didn't let up. Well after I'd had about enough I started to drive away and he yelled at me again. I have a concealed carry license and stopped the car, rolled down the window and said "one of these days you're going to assault somebody with less to lose than I have, and you're going to end up on side of this," and I showed him my .45.
So that was one bad thing.
Her husband had also told the entire community that she wasn't cheating with me, we never saw each other, and that I was a crazy stalker. So, I told him I'd be glad to show the entire community dirty videos and naked pictures that she and I had made together to clear up the fact that he was a liar.
That's really about it but he's trying to paint me as unstable. Which may or may not be true, but according to my shrink isn't
I would hold off on getting
I would hold off on getting married or buying a house until she shows you that she is committed to you. Don't sell yourself short. Take your time and see if this is really what you want.
You are basically separating before you are married. It doesn't sound right.
Anyhow, whatever you decide, good luck and I hope you find happiness.
LOL...I thought my life was
LOL...I thought my life was confusing...if you are happy that is what matters
I am. Both of ours. I am. You
I am.
Both of ours.
I am.
You are correct
Agreed....I am confused, from
Agreed....I am confused, from your previous posts, it sounded like your gf treated you terribly. Why would you want to marry someone who treated you poorly or would agree to never let her HUSBAND be around her children. I really hope you take some time and a good long look at the situation before you tie the knot. If you decide to get married, I think you should get a prenup (and I'm NOT one to usually advocate for that!).
IamConfused.. even if we
IamConfused.. even if we don't delve into your psychological aspects of what you have proposed above (which I agree with DPW, by the way)...
did you stop to think that what you and your fiancee are considering could actually be used AGAINST you in court? There are plenty of scenarios that could come out of what you are stating, the first one being that the kids are seeing an unhealthy, unstable relationship in their mom's home.
Kids aren't dumb and to get married and then not live together because they are there will only do one, some, or all of the following..
1. Give the ex ammunition against you... he doesn't want you around kids, and BM agrees!
2. Make the kids feel like they have control over where you are in your relationship with your new wife
3. Flip side - make the kids feel like you don't care enough about them to live with them, or care enough about their mother to live with them while she is there
4. Even though it is none of their business, you are going to be taking $$ away from your family to have a separate apartment. Money issues are stressors enough. Can you see it coming up in an argument?? "If you would stand up to X, then we wouldn't have to have 2 homes" OR... "If you cared about me, you would do X"...
What does this say about relationships to your skids?
I think this is a BAD IDEA. And the fact that ex is running the show forbodes even worse things for you / your marriage.
I hope you seriously reconsider this. It's not the ideal solution. It's a gateway to more issues.
Sorry... Really...
Don't sell yourself
Don't sell yourself short...
I can't imagine a marriage being "stable" with this sort of arrangement. Marriage in itself is hard work. Throw this situation in and well...I think you should really give this ALOT of thought. Whose best interest is this serving?
At first I though you were
At first I though you were kidding, right?
Their is not a chance in hell you will be a happy blended family if you do this for a year.
By the time you can spend time with the kids, they will be filled with negative feelings for you. " This is the lady that might hurt us. " per BM " "this is the lady that didnt want to live with us"
Why Oh Why? would you agree to this?
I think you are going to resent the kids also, in time.
BM tried to get my then
BM tried to get my then boyfriend to get paternity tests as soon as I had our baby, she said that if the baby was indeed his then she would drop it, but if it wasnt then I was to NEVER be around "her" kids.. and she would get a protection from abuse order on me to keep me away from her kids.. and until I had the baby I was not allowed around her kids..
(she is a moron) anyways she couldnt even get a lawyer to draw up the papers.. not that DH would have signed them..
HER lawyer (free legal aid lawyer) called our lawyer and told him that he wasnt willing to do the papers cuz no judge would sign them and its wasting his time, our lawyer said that unless I have done something criminal and was a danger to the kids she has no right to tell him I can not be around the kids, it was completely out of jealousy, and trying to make his life miserable.
I agree with everyone else.
I agree with everyone else. You need to run away - fast.
This woman has NO respect for you and you will not have a moments happiness with her.
She's using you and playing you for a fool.
Find someone else. There are plenty of women out there who won't treat you like crap. You deserve better.
I completely agree! you can
I completely agree! you can do better dear
Well an update is that he
Well an update is that he caved on the kids.
We really let him stick it to her on the money part of the divorce in order to get him to stop the BS with the kids. I make more than 3 times what he does so the truth is that the 30 or 40 grand he cheated her out of doesn't make a difference in our lives and if he's willing to sell out for 40 grand I'm willing to buy for that. He knew I was never going to be anything but good to those kids, and that she wouldn't let me be anything but... He was holding out trying to keep us apart so she'd end up back with him and when he realized we'd do a week on and a week off and he wasn't getting her back he just said screw it... with the payoff of course.
They've agreed gotten the paperwork to the lawyers and we can do a regular step-family and not have to be apart.
We also had our first joint counseling session yesterday and I was a little relieved that the counselor told her she needed to bend and get it together if she wanted to have a reasonable relationship.
It's going to be hard but at least now we'll have a fighting chance.
You seem to be a very
You seem to be a very kind-hearted man. She's a lucky woman to have you. As important as it is to be kind to others it is EQUALLY important to be kind to yourself. Compromise is good, but it's only compromise if both sides are bending.
Her late-night packing with her STBex drew many questions for you & those of us here. Of course, we don't matter in your situation. Be certain you ask her the questions you need answered by her. Be certain you really trust her. Know deep in your heart that this is the right thing for YOU before you get married.
I really hope things work out for you.
just a little bit ago wasn't
just a little bit ago wasn't she packing for camp at all hours of the night with STBX??
IAC ~ i don't know what you find about yourself that is so undeserving of a mutually respectful relationship......but i think you need to do some serious soul searching before you enter into this new marriage and living arrangement....
i don't know your gf, but from your posts i conclude she's a selfish gold digger... if you are so successful, i hope you're smart enough to get a prenup and don't plan on procreating with this one, b/c she will more than likely clean your financial clock given the opportunity.
i do wish you happiness, but this does NOT sound like a good idea.
When we sat down with the
When we sat down with the counselor yesterday the counselor actually said to her "well for one I don't think it's a good idea to be in his home at all. For two it's confusing to the kids. three it's confusing to the ex. And most importantly it's important to BF here so if you respect him and want this to work that sort of crap needs to come to an immediate halt." It felt good to have a licensed counselor tell her that sort of crap needs to end. She apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. We'll see but I think she saw the light.
And we discussed a prenup last night. It basically boils down to this: If either one of us cheats the other gets everything other than the cheater's car and their clothes. All assets, community property, everything, become the property of the non-cheater.
I like that a lot.
so she dpesn't see the light
so she dpesn't see the light by the pain it causes you (or skids) only if a 3rd unbiased party tells her she is fing up??? so, will you need to stay in counseling forever?
cheater/non cheater?? are you serious, that's the basis of your prenup?? how much is she bringing to the table other than baggage, mistrust and probably one hell of a blow job to keep you so wrapped up in her?
i'm sorry IAC, i really think you should slow down and truly weigh the pros & cons of going into marriage with this chick...
Oh, I Am Confused, this
Oh, I Am Confused, this relationship has pain and failure written all over it.
PLEASE get away from this woman.
There is no trust, there is no respect. What is it that you DO have with her? Is it just sex?
It depends on how it is
It depends on how it is written, he he. we did the same thing. It was written in way that IF we were married she couldn't say a word! It was written something like this, No one of the opposite sex that is not related or not a spouse of the parents are to be around the skids when either parent has the kids.
No one of the opposite sex
No one of the opposite sex that is not related or not a spouse of the parents are to be around the skids when either parent has the kids
You've got to be kidding!
Who in their right mind would agree to something like this?
Talk about a document written by a control freak!
I once dated a guy who had
I once dated a guy who had this put into his divorce docs, cuz he didnt want his exwife having random overnight "guests" when the kids were with her, BUT it then posed the issue of being in a serious relationship and the period of time that you date each other (and yes, eventually spend the night!) but it could NEVER be on a night he had his kids! And he had them a LOT. So he was all gung ho on getting remarried Really Quickly! Me...I'm thinking not so much...so we ended, and I heard he was MARRIED 2 months later!! That was a few years ago, and yah, approx 9 months into that marriage, they started their nasty divorce, which took 18mos+ to complete. Ugly. Bad idea. So this guy, who thinks marriage is so sacred (supposedly) is now divorced 3 times. Real smart.
I just went and read the
I just went and read the paper work and it says something like while a single person no one of the opposite sex not related by blood or marriage shall be at the home while either parent has the kids.