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Discipline

GARDENPARTY's picture

Submitted by GARDENPARTY on Thu, 10/29/2009 - 10:47am

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General Discussion

I am new here and I have a question. I am a stepfather who has been with my wife and her kids (15,10) for three years. I have bonded deeply with her/our son but not with her/our daughter. For example he listens to me, comes to me, we do homework together - when I say no it means no. Cool. But with my stepdaughter it is a nightmare. She is failing most of her classes (10th grade)/ Here's my dilema her mother - my wife - and I don't see eye to eye on how to discipline her. My wife always gives in to whatever my stepdaughter wants. I truly believe this is harming her. However if I push too hard my stepodaughter ends up coming in between my wife and I. SO what do I do? back off? be compeltely hands off? and what if my wife asks my opinion what do I do? Where is the middle ground here? HELP

Storm76's picture

Submitted by Storm76 on Thu, 10/29/2009 - 11:01am

Nice easy question that! It's going to be impossible to discipline without your wife's support, and as you're not the bio dad she's unfortunately always got the trunp card. I would say initiate a discussion about the positive things you want for your stepdaughter - whether that's going to college, being confident in herself, having a good career, having a family of her own etc. Then you can show that your concerns are based in you wanting the best for her, not that you're just being nitpicking. You may need to let your wife suggest ways forward, whether it's house rules on homework, TV/internet time, chores etc but agree between you the consequences of breaking these rules & agree that you will stand firm on these together.

If that doesn't work, then you may need to disengage, and if you do & are asked for an opinion explain that you can't give one.

Purpleflower09's picture

Submitted by Purpleflower09 on Thu, 10/29/2009 - 1:43pm

I agree 100% with Storiesbysteve...stay out of it. Remember although you care about the welfare of your SD, remember one thing..SHE IS NOT YOUR CHILD YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER. Let you wife deal with her, let your wife deal with the consequences disciplining her. If she can't agree with you that she needs guidelines then she better not come to you for help when she can't control her. Let your wife take this one by herself and let her learn as a parent on her own.

Purpleflower

GARDENPARTY's picture

Submitted by GARDENPARTY on Thu, 10/29/2009 - 1:46pm

Hey thanks. I think when you wrote, "If she can't agree with you that she needs guidelines then she better not come to you for help when she can't control her," that really said it all for me... i think sometimes my wife wants it both ways... she wants my help but if I disagree she tosses me aside. and you're right I guess I am not responsible for them - that is hard to admit actually....

GARDENPARTY's picture

Submitted by GARDENPARTY on Thu, 10/29/2009 - 1:44pm

Thanks Steve,
I sometimes have a hard time disengaging - mainly because I think my stepdaughter is tossing her future aside but also because I think I'm right (LOL)... but I think you are correct... appreciate the help

GARDENPARTY's picture

Submitted by GARDENPARTY on Thu, 10/29/2009 - 4:42pm

seriously wow! everything you said is right on the money --- my wife IS a guilty parent (she feels guilty about a lot of things with my step daughter) and she has ABSOLUTELY given her adult spousal status.... you are all right I need to disengage... believe me I have tried to talk to my wife so that we present an united front with the kids... it works with my stepson but not my step daughter...thanks

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Sat, 10/31/2009 - 1:52pm

You and your wife need to be a team. Family counselling would go a long way to helping. Good luck.