Yes, it's icky and no one wants to think about it. But you know what? We've all made stupid mistakes, we've all made bad choices, we've all trusted the wrong people and we've all done things we wish we hadn't done. It's hard to look at the skids and not see their mother, sure. We all know where babies come from, after all. But I don't think it matters much who had him first, as long as I know I get to have him LAST!

Obviously, there was something lovable about my husband's ex at one time, otherwise he wouldn't have married her, but it didn't take her long until she showed her true colors and the marriage started going downhill. Today he admits he was wrong to stay in the marriage and try to make it work "for the kids" for as long as he did, especially when she cheated on him so many times and ruined him financially. It was a mistake and he chalks it up now to lessons learned. There's no love lost there... he views it as a mistake in poor judgment, with the children being the only good thing that came out of it.

It isn't the quantity, in my view, it's the quality. We've now been together longer than they were together, which makes it easier, now that I have quantity on my side. But we also have QUALITY on our side, too, and that makes all the difference. We have the stronger bond, the better marriage, the more meaningful intimate relationship. They had make-up sex that resulted in unplanned (by him, anyway) pregnancies designed to keep him financially liable forever. Try not to think of it in terms of what she had with him, but what you now have with him and all that you could have with him in the future if you can get past this.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been a SM for a little over 2 years. We have decided to put an end to the marriage. I do admit that we rushed into this relationship and our foundation was not nearly as strong as it should've been. But the issues with his son and his ex and HIM were all too much for me. Maybe a stronger woman can handle it, but I cannot. I definitely see his ex when I look at SS. Not only does he look like her, but STBX has always commented on how gorgeous his son is, what a great-looking child he has, barfbarfbarf, and in the same breath he'd make some kind of comment about how he looks just like his mom. I mean, really, why not just TELL her when you see her next how beautiful you think she is, or maybe we can blow up some pics of her and hang them around the house and we'll light candles and sing hymns and sacrifice small animals to the altar of her beauty.

UGHHHHH. It doesn't help that STBX refered to her as the love of his life "back then" (yeah, right)...when I asked what he saw in her after hearing about the shit she pulled, he'd say that, in addition to pretending to be everything he wanted, she was "so super gorgeous". Okay...I was totally WRONG for barking up that tree in the first place, and I know now that what went on there is NOT my business. Hearing about how infatuated he was really just got to me and I think added to my rage--especially when he wouldn't defend me to her. I even had his SiL ask me once what I thought of her, and when I answered that I did think she's a pretty girl, she started ranting about how beautiful she is, how great her skin is, etc. And she even asked about BM's new husband, what he looked like etc., and when I said that he was good-looking, she was all "Oh yeah I expected that considering how beautiful BM is." And then of course I have sat through hours upon hours of stories that, again, I brought on myself when I would ask why she did this or that, and the same thread seemed to be woven through every story--as STBX so vomitously put it, "All men love her, all women hate her". I'll just let that one sink in. Oh, and did I mention that the first night STBX and I slept together, he sat on the bed and for TWO HOURS straight talked about her??? When we first met, he told me that hs ex was nuts and he had such a crazy story. Well, that night for some reason it came up (I guess we were sharing history lessons) and what should've been a 10 min. story literally took 120 min.+. I should've realized then that he was still infatuated. I believe that he still is.

So...I admit, this definitely colored my feelings about SS because I believe that STBX's feelings for his son stem from his obsession with his mother. I don't think I've ever said that out loud (or typed:) but I really believe it. And no, that's not SS's fault. Likewise, I have never treated SS badly or differently because of this. But...I am human. And it doesn't help that BB has made our lives miserable for 2+ years, nor that I bend over backwards (or I DID) to help STBX deal with her, deal with court, deal with the lawyer, deal with the documentation, deal with educational research for SS (deal with=I DID IT ALL), etc. and STBX will still not defend me to her when she is an outright asshole to me.

Wow...sorry, that went off the rails quickly. But it felt good to get it out. I think it has always made me feel inferior, that I wasn't good enough, but I guess it's not about that at all and more about STBX's pathetic nature. But, to answer your question, yes, I have looked at SS and have seen the two of them fucking "conceiving him in love" (if you classify love as forcing the woman who cheated on you to have a kid with you as the only way you'll take her back).

ESCAPE is so close!!!!!!!!!

Well guys I really had to soul search to get to my feelings on this one!! I never really thought of DH having sex with BM when I looked at his kid, I just thought of how she did not disapline him or take the time to teach him manners or any of those important things in life. I felt sorry for him that if he were mine he would have had a better life. It was a little odd for a while as BM is 'coloured' (don't want to be politically inncorrect) and DH and myself are white. Now don't go all tearin me up girls I am certainly not racist or have a problem with her being colored!! But it does remind me often as he is very brown, that he was hers and not ours, even for that weekend! Everyone comments on his coloring and asks me where he gets it from...oh it can't be from your side of the family your so white!! They would say!! LOL just enough to piss me off, I used to explain where is mum was from, in the end I just said 'he gets alot of sun'!! LOL I have to laugh or it would just piss me off.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

What's interesting to me is that I never gave it a thought that, yes, they had sex. I mean, obviously they had to have sex at LEAST once to have this child... or more for children... but unlike you, I just don't think about it that way.

Instead, I see DH in his children... not the BM. It just doesn't bother me. Now, I showed a picture of my SD to my mother, because she hasn't met her yet, and she immediately said 'Oh, does she look like her mom?' I guess she didn't see much of DH in her, but it threw me off, because I totally can see DH in her. LOL. SD also got the genius gene passed on to her through DH's family, because his brother is a certified genius and this little girl is extremely smart and quick, just like DH's brother. She is smart for her age. My mother laughed and said, well you know she didn't get it through us! LOL

I just don't ever think about them having sex, and it won't bother me, because really, I've had sex with my ex's, I just don't see what the difference is. To me, it's hypocritical. I don't have to be my DH's first- just his last...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

I guess I am also extremely arrogant! I think that my SD would be so much better off if she lived with us...It would probably drive me insane for a while but then she would learn how we live and be part of our lives. We both work, my kids appreciate what they have because they see how hard we work and that we love them and want to give them things. She sees her Mother "working" things to get what she wants...she constantly "wants" with me, my DH, his parents, she works everyone to get what she wants just like her mother...she has not been taught the "work" for what you need or want. And sadly she has never felt that feeling of pride that comes with it. If I suggested that she work for something I get the look like she thinks she is Paris Hilton and who the hell do I think I am??? I am with Blueberry I think that she is her mother, mind you I really never think of my DH and BM having sex or any of that. That was the past and we all have a past and we need to move forward and make something of a bad past. I don't know how you women can take control of your homes and not let BM's run it...I try so hard to have a normal life with this situation but honestly BM will always be there, she will always teach her daughter things that make me ill. She thinks marrying a rich man is her goal in life, not work?? Who teaches a little girl shit like this in 2007???????? So if she went to live with her mother and never vistited it would not break my heart. My life would go on quite happily....honesty is aweful...

Especially when I would watch the kind of men she dated - and how many she dated. She was open 24/7, just like the 7-11! She would have men stay overnight and SS didn't even know their name!! (We tried to do something about that, but DH apparently didn't have a legal right to interfere in her personal life, however it affected SS) It grossed me out to think DH went from THAT to me!!!

Luckily, it also grossed out DH. He now insists that SS was conceived via immaculate conception. He doesn't want to admit, even to himself, that he was ever with her *that* way. lol! We know it's denial, but hey, denial is better than fretting about the true past.

When I see my STBH kids i see him in his son and his daughter doesn't look anything like either one of them. I have a hard time loving them also. BB makes it hard for me though. NO one can fault you for having real feelings. Atleast you are not being untrue to yourself by pretending that you feel one way when you feel another. So just exhale and to thy self ALWAYS be true

*HUG*

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

My BF and his ex were together from 16 years old on...that's alot of music.

Just have to throw something in ladies. I am 6 years older than my DH and am 10 years younger than my first husband. Age is just a number. I never dated younger only older men my entire life, and I was kind of uncomfortable at first. My ss's will sometimes bring up my age and joke about it or ask questions. One day the youngest asked did I date daddy in highschool. I was a senior when he was in the 6th grade,ewwe... I always respond back with but who looks & acts younger, me or daddy. They always respond back with you. I always smile back & tell them, that's what matters kids. ( plus & look younger than his ex who is 4 years younger than me, so who cares)

On a serious note I know that when DH would say to me that "she is the mother of my children" used to break my heart. Especially after we lost our baby & I had a hard time getting pregnant again. I wanted that title!!! Both marriages I have been the second wife and although it would be wonderful to not live in another womans shawdow, both times I know I was & am the best wife. ( my ex's first wife was a criminal so what can I say. )

My Dh always tells the boys & me that I am the love of his life. I guess that is way better than being the first. ( cuz that didn't work out so hot )

I know that I am the kind of wife I am today because I was married before and that was my practice marriage, I try to think of DH's the same, except he has something possitive to show from it other than an old stinky cocker spaniel.

I'm 12 years older than my BF, and it doesn't seem to bother him or me. I was 18 years younger than my ex! So I've gone both ways - you might say :)!

Two years ago, I wanted the "Mother of My Children" title SO badly that it hurt. I was nuts over it. Everytime I saw BB I would feel pangs of jealousy but I know that in my case she was the love of his life and I was not. I guess I thought that if I had his baby, it would level the playing field somewhat, but now I know that all it would've done was bury me deeper into a bad situation. And the fact that STBX was SO into his son and all about the "he will always be first" I eventually realized that even if we did have a child, SS STILL would be first because he is BB's kid. It's so gross. I guess the botom line is that we love[d] these men and to know that they shared something so intimate and joyous with another woman is very hard to shake off. I do feel that it's their job to alleviate that stress if we as the second wives make it known that we're hurt by it. For me, all it would've taken was a little assurance, but I never sought it because I knew that the answer was not one I wanted to hear.

It was held in another province so I did not go due to teaching and working in the ICU today. However, at the event, his daughter wanted pictures of he and his ex together like one big happy family. So, to make his daughter happy, he did. His other daughter had photos done professionally at her wedding in this way too. No including the step parents all. This makes me feel unformtable...like they are still falsley together. And I feel hurt. I have never been asked to be in a photo...not even by my husband of this nature. Interesting that before we were married, they didn't do this...photos were done separately. Right now I want to poke out his eyes I am so mad at all of them!!! The ex always gets what she wants! My feelings of being disregarded or invisible are irrelevent to him as long as everyone is happy! I am sick of it. He is away right now and I am wondering if I really want him back!

Ya know, You ladies are soooo where I am at right now and I guess that I just need an outlet to whine and rant today. Thanks for being here! Well, here goes...
Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite when I get this way because my Dh is a good guy and we get along great.(Better than my ex and I ever did)I would not trade him for the world and really do treasure him, but the truth is, sometimes I too feel like running away, even though it is not what I really want. I guess that I get so frustrated and fed the f*%k up that I just don't know what I should do or what the f*&k my role is here.
It's funny, I have never been shy about where I stand or expressing myself. While I am not a screamer, I am not a shy violet either. I managed to support my kids, make sure they did what they were supposed to, made my bills and my ex's and managed my own life all by myself while going through an awful three year divorce and stayed sane all the while. So why the f*%k do I feel so powerless when it comes to the goings on in my own damn house?

My dh, sweet as he is, is also one of those guys who bend over backwards for the bm because she gave birth to his spawn. Like you Msniceguy, I DO NOT worship my ex or his "pole" because he is my children's father. I used to feel like my Dh and I had a pretty solid connection. Now, I feel like everything is so f$%#ing tainted by the bm on the pedestal and my spoiled sd. It also makes me feel insecure. Like I wonder if maybe he still has feelings for her or something or maybe that he misses his old life, family etc...

Step family life can be so damn tough. I feel like I was rather naive about the whole thing. I read about it, knew it would not be easy, but I felt that if the adults were united that they could work through things together, support each other and deal with the kids fairly and equally. And most importantly, I felt my Dh was worth it all. Boy did I f*&^ing have a huge pair of rose colored glasses on!!!I still feel like he is the one for me, but I guess I never took into account that people just get funky about their kids and other people parenting them. And that some parents believe that their kids can do absolutely no f&*^ing wrong. It also seems that some guys are so hooked up on the fact that they need to constanlty kiss their ex's ass that they don't realize that they are hurting their partner. I wish I understood the whole psychology behind this, but *sigh* I do not.
In my case, it makes me feel like the playing field is not level and that somehow I will always be second, no matter what. I know I should not feel this way, but I do. I cannot "compete" with the fact that they have children together nor do I want too. But when he says the whole "mother of my children" bullsh*t, what I hear is "Although I may love you, you are second to her and my kids." This may not be what his intent is, but it is what I hear. I hate drama and I do not want my feelings to be the main topic of conversation all of the time, so I do hold quite a bit in. Thank God for this site!!

At times, I wish that we shared at least one bio. Not because I feel that it would even me up with bm, but because it is something that I truly want and wish we could share. I would never want too though because I think that it would just take too much to do that and that it would just make things worse and be tainted as well. Can you believe that when we first moved in together and had announced that we were getting married that my sd used to ask me, on a regular basis, if Dh and I were going to have children? She was so worried that we might. Mil also said that we had better not have any etc... My Dh had a vasectomy-not an option.

It all just makes me so crazy sometimes. I hate it when his ex calls about nothing. I hate the little tricks that my sd has been pulling lately. I hate that he is blind to it and acts as if she can do no wrong. I hate feeling like we are two seperate families living under the same roof. I hate that he never wants do do any family things, unless his kids are at our house. (my daughter lives with us full time) In my perfect world in my head, LOL, we would have some sort of a parenting plan and hold ALL of the children to the same standard no matter who's they are. Maybe he would even just care about my daughter and her feelings a little too. That in itself would be huge.

*big sigh*

It's Friday. Maybe a martini is in order...

We should have a ciber happy hour! Hang in there Georgie Girl, I have some of the same feelings and issues to work on myself. I think I have to learn to be patient with myself for a change insted of trying to be patient with everyone else. I came into this not realizing what changes being a "step" would make to my realtionship with my DH. My eyes are wide open now but I think alot of these things will take time. Have a martini for me and I hope your weekend is drama less!

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

Yeah. Try coming home to your house where STBX is not even staying at and finding BB and her crazyass DH lurking outside of your front door, then telling STBX to warn them NEVER to be there again only to have him puss out after asking her why she was there and actually APOLOGIZE for bothering her. When I asked why the hell he would apologize to that stalking, lying bitch, part of his response included the dreaded "she's my son's mom" excuse. I all but vomited on my shoes.

The one thing I envy about BB is her Angelina Jolie lips (used to be her boobs too, but since baby #2 they are on her knees, so HAHAHAHA). She has squinty eyes and an ugly schnozz but her lips are really pretty. Anyway, because what else could happen to make me feel insecure, SS of COURSE has the same lips, and do you know that STBX commented on those things every fucking second??? "SS, you have the best lips" or "Look at how big and red his lips are, he's so handsome". All to be followed by some variation of STBX reminding all of us "those are your Mommy's lips". HHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLL. Talk about fucking reminders. Thank GOD those nutbags are on the next boat to GETTHEFUCKOUTOFMYLIFE, PA.

Stamina--I'm sorry for how you're feeling. I agree that the picture situation is totally inappropriate. My BiL''s parents are divorced (both remarried) and for he and my sister's wedding there was not ONE picture of BiL with both BM and BD. They took pics with BM and her family, and BD and his. That's how it should be. Why in hell does there need to be friggin photo-documentation of the three together? Doesn't everyone pretty much know how the kid came about? Isn't that what a birth certificate is for? I don't get it at all. It's weird, it's fake, and it's insulting. I'm sure your DH just has a DERRR moment with that one, trying to please, but...you are not wrong to be upset.

Krissy

Evil, do you prefer them dirty, straight up or flavored? I love that. cyber happy hpour. Count me in!!