So DH and I have been together for three years...his kids are now 15 and 20. I have two kids...17 and 20.

Our families have never blended..I would have to say partial blame is ours in trying to rush things in the beginning...our motto was "us presenting a united front" when it came to things dealing with each other's children...and the rest is due to both ex's sabotaging any attempt on our part to form any sort of relationship with each other's kids. At the moment neither of our children live with us. BM demanded full custody of the SKs from the beginning and DH has never challenged BM for custody or living arrangements..willing to accept that the kids were old enough to choose where they wanted to live. Child support is based on income...BM makes more than DH and I combined.

So from my point of view here are my issues (mainly with the 20 year old)

1. I get that child support has to be paid... DH should be and is a part of their lives..from giving rides to attending events..whatever. We always made a point in inviting them to join us when hiking, camping, going for drives etc. BM makes every decision for the kids...from school trips costing thousands of dollars to what cloths they wear (and it's not appropriate as far as I'm concerned), which again is fine...but she also expects us to pay extra. She never goes to court over it but always has a dig to make about me "wearing the pants and controlling the purse strings" and not providing for the SDs. So here is where the issue comes in as an example...my 20 year old is working..living on her own...paying her own bills. His 20 year old is living with BM, driving BM car, working, and expects DH to pay for her bills. After discussion we decided that because the two were working and not in school they could pay their own bills. another example...I couldn't afford a tutor for my kid but we were expected to pay for one for his..again we said no. SD20 flunked out of University (of which we were paying half of her tuition) and we said that her next attempt will have to be funded through loans...again the bad guys. Every thing SD said to her father is an exact repeat of what BM said. There are many more examples of this.

2. When we first got engaged last September SD20 threw a fit because "according to facebook" he asked me at 4:30 PM and he didn't tell them until 8 PM. And when she tried to look at my page I had her blocked. She told her father that she didn't like me and would never like me. She didn't care if he got married just as long as it wasn't to me. Ok...I get that she is acting out as a child...but she was not..she was 19. She didn't live with us..has no intention on living with us. They attended the wedding because most of the family was there...but it was very fake..It really bothered me when she said that to her father because to me if she really felt that way..why pretend to be happy for us?

3. When we all do go somewhere together I get ignored. They do not speak to me unless I speak first..do not look me in the face..basically I'm non existent. Neither SK has ever made a step in forming any sort of relationship with me. DH doesn't want to see it.

4. I am very uncomfortable talking around them because I know that everything we say and do goes right back to BM. Should I care? Probably not....but I cannot relax if I know that everything I buy or say or plan is being reported. I would just prefer to not be around that drama and stress. And this I think is the biggest issue for me...

In the beginning I was upset with their attitudes because I really did try with them. But nothing I did was ever good enough. I'm at the point now where I feel better when I'm not around them. It's hard because DH's family is very close and he does't understand or don't want to see how his kids act toward me.

I'm trying to avoid situations where I have to be around them..but I really don't want to hurt DH. At this point in time I'm ok with him doing things with his kids without me but he doesn't see it the same way.

Any ideas on how I can gently create distance without hurting DH? He is very loving toward me and I would never want to put him in a position where he feels that he has to choose between me or his kids.

Sam